Around the Campfire

The inspiration for this story actually came from a fire I was sitting by yesterday night. As I was watching it flicker, I suddenly got the urge to write, and this is pretty much what came out of that.
I wasn't quite sure what people on here would think of this story, but I hope that you guys like it. It's definitely different from what I usually write and out of my comfort zone, so I'm interested to see what everyone thinks. Thanks for reading and please comment. -Jane


A large fire grew bigger under the shadow of the distant moon, its embers shining brightly while wild sparks shot straight up, out of the fire pit. One night, this fire provided warmth for two people: Calvin Farmes, a naturalist, and Greg Collins, a sixteen year old boy who had run away from his home. They stood around the campfire as the wind whipped steadily around them, making the trees in the dark forest shake. Greg had his numb hands in the pocket of his windbreaker, while Calvin rearranged pieces of wood in the fire with a long stick. He backed up as the flames started to die down. They stood in silence for a long period of time, watching the fire crackle and spit out ashes.
“You come here much?” Calvin asked, his gruff voice echoing through the woods, interrupting the silence.
“No,” Greg uttered quietly, “I live in Illinois, by Chicago. We don’t really have wilderness there.”
“So you wanted to come here to explore the Wyoming wilderness?” Calvin sat down on a partly charred log behind him.
“No,” Greg looked into the fire, dazed by the orange flames consuming the firewood.
“Then why’d you come?” Calvin’s old Midwestern drawl seemed to come out when he said this, but he didn’t care, he was only around a kid that he barely knew.
“I had to get away.”
“From what?”
“More like from who actually.”
"Well then, from who?"
“My parents.”
“Fighting or divorce?” Calvin remembered these two subjects well.
“Divorce.”
“Nasty.”
“I know.” Greg suddenly stopped staring at the fire and turned his head towards Calvin. “Did your parents divorce?”
“Yeah, they split up when I was four.”
“So you know how it feels?”
“Yup.”
“Well my mom, she’s getting remarried.”
“Do you like her fiancée?”
“Not one bit.” Greg looked back at the fire again and started to laugh, his chortling coming out in uneven breaths. “In fact, I have this desire to run him over with my car, but I don’t think that’d be good for me, especially since I just got my permit two weeks ago.”
The two broke out into a quiet fit of laughter, until there was once again silence surrounding the campfire. The fire crackled, and more bits of ash spewed out of the pit like volcanic ash. Cold started to settle into their little part of the forest, surrounding the men in a rough blanket. Greg tried to warm himself with the little fleece that was inside the windbreaker, but he felt goose bumps rise on his arms and his hairs stand up on end.
It was finally Calvin who started another conversation. “So how’d you get here?”
Greg took a shaky breath before answering, his arms folded across his chest. “My mom owns a car dealership. I broke in, found her keys to one of her cars, ripped off all the stickers, and set off at midnight a couple nights ago.”
“Wow, sounds like something a master spy would do.”
“Ahhh…it wasn’t that hard. My friend made me a fake I.D. so I haven’t gotten pulled over by the cops yet. This is just a side trip.”
“Where are you driving?” Calvin tried hard to understand this boy. It was intriguing how a boy would just steal a car to rebel against his parents. He should’ve tried that when he was a teen and all angsty, but with a smile, he quickly pushed that thought out his mind.
“I don’t know yet, I’m just driving. I’ve always wanted to see the world, and I’m doing a pretty good job of seeing America so far.”
“Where’ve you gone?”
“I went to Minneapolis and St. Paul the first day, then Mt. Rushmore yesterday. I’ve spent the whole day here in Yellowstone. I saw Old Faithful, and tried to take a bath in one of the lakes.”
“How well did that work out?”
“Well I don’t smell as bad as I did, but I should probably buy some deodorant the next time I pass a pharmacy.” They both laughed again, and then Calvin said something that surprised Greg.
“Well shouldn’t you get going?”
Greg suddenly froze, his gaze intent on the fire. “I guess I should.”
“You know, if you wanted, I could come with you.”
“What?”
“No really, I know the west coast like the back of my hand. Of course if your parents find you, they’ll wonder who the heck I am, but I felt the same way you did when I was a kid. But I need you to drop me off in Phoenix after we’ve traveled the west coast. ”
“Well, I guess you could come. But I…I barely know you. I just asked if I could sit by your fire.”
“I’m Calvin Farmes, now you know me.”
“Ok, umm..I’m Greg Collins.”
“Hello Greg Collins.”
“Hi,” Greg reluctantly answered back.
“Well shouldn’t we get going?” Calvin got up off the charred log and started towards the dimly lighted trail only a few feet away.
“I guess so.” Greg started walking towards the trail, and together they made their way up the steep hill.
Calvin wasn’t quite sure why he decided to go with the boy, but he knew what it felt like to just want to get away from it all and started anew. He also decided that the boy would need someone to being the car with him if he got pulled over. Either way, he was tired of studying white tailed dear in Yellowstone for so long, he needed to get away himself.
Greg wasn’t sure why he was letting a strange man come with him, but he knew that he would’ve rather had company with him then had to travel across America alone.
But together they knew that until they got to Phoenix, Arizona, they would travel the country together.

This is a great story! Some of the sentences are run-ons, so you should change them... There is too much dialouge, but its a good writing form.

I think the dialogue is fine - you seem to have an ear for it, and the short sentences work well. You say you were inspired by a campfire you saw, so it might be nice to extend that image: what does the fire represent? What effect does it have on your characters? Also, at the beginning you introduce your characters very abruptly, especially Greg. A teenage runaway is quite a surprising thing, so you need - maybe not to explain it further, because you do it later on - but to elaborate on it. Greg is a teenager who's run away from home... he's tired, cold and needs somewhere to rest. His hair is matted and greasy, he's wearing an old raincoat, his shoes are scuffed and he's scowling. Just do something to show the reader that you know it's not an ordinary situation.

The main phrase I had a problem with was your "One night" at the beginning. I don't know, it seems like the sort of thing a little child would write in their story, not very sophisticated. Also, it implies that the fire has been going for many nights before that, which doesn't seem right. I think you should start by introducing the night you're writing about, rather than mentioning it like an afterthought.

I liked your story: it was out of the ordinary but believable, well written, and I sympathised with your characters. Thumbs up!

The thing that bothers me is...I was waiting for that "wow" factor the whole time. Like I was expecting something exciting to happen. There was also too much dialogue, I didn't think it was descriptive enough to really bring me into the story. Also, I have to point this out --

white tailed dears

White-tailed deer. No 's' and an 'e' not 'a'.

I think this has potential. Just work to draw us in, and give us something that really makes this stand out, maybe even surprise people.

Hi there! Classy here for a review.

Realistic-ness

So, this story isn't very realistic. I like the plot, but there are some things that just don't make sense.

He should be caught by now. Every highway, freeway, street, whatever has police. Police have these things where they can research license plate numbers. For one, if he stole a car from the dealership, it shouldn't have a plate on it. After a we weeks of buying a car, you need to put a license on it or you can be ticketed. Then there's the whole thing that if cars are stolen, police and highways patrol are always notified of the cars appearance so they know what to look for. And when you go into new states, you have to pass through checkpoints, where each car is stopped and the drivers are questioned. You have to make up excuses for all of these things! You're working with a hard concept here!

Characters

This part of your story you did quite well on. Though I must say that your characters are pretty common. With most stories like these, the two main characters are exactly like yours. It's not a bad thing, just be careful!

Since Calvin is a really cool character, play him up! Since your other character is kind of shy, Calvin will probably introduce all the adventure and excitement, so don't forget that!

Plot

You for sure have something going here, just don't forget the realist aspects of this! This is a story, I know, but it isn't fantasy. You need it to be realistic, you need people to believe that it can happen, because that makes the story all the more interesting!

Keep writing, Classy.