How to Seduce Money [1]

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Hi! So I haven't written anything in a while and just thought I'd try something new.
Comments and reviews are appreciated! :)

~Pink

___________________________________________
Chapter one

I calculated the amount…with the original twenty percent off and add the other fifty percent off clearance this dress would be…
“What? Seventy-five dollars?” I yelled a little too loud that the other customers looked at me. I flashed my eyes back to the tag. There was no possible way I could afford this without having to eat ramen for the next month. Yes, Eve, you’re that poor, I said to myself. I hung the dress back in its rightful place and strode out of the store. I didn’t even know why I decided to come to this mall. Every store that inhabited this place was ripping people off, a two hundred dollar shirt? What kind of people would buy that?
Oh…that’s right, those kinds of people who have money to waste. Maybe I should marry a rich man but then again rich men only married rich women and then their wallets go slapped together to form some mega-rich category. Those kinds of people who drive BMW’s and live in mansions with swimming pools and go overseas when they vacation. I wish I didn’t carry this debt with me. . .
My phone vibrated on my way to the parking lot and looked at screen. ‘Elizabeth Westmore’ was written in white. I shivered at the letters and tucked my phone back into my purse. I opened the door to my six year old Honda Civic and gunned the engine. I shifted to reverse and pulled back only to hit an oncoming car.
I instantly braked and blinked as the vibrations ran up and down my spine. Terror coursed through my veins as I realized what I had just done. I parked the car and looked back. It would have been nice if the car I hit was a shitty looking Chevy or maybe an ugly Ford but it was a shiny black SUV with silver trims. God, I was in for it. I thought about the car insurance plus the repair fees plus court and plus everything else I probably didn’t know about. I closed my eyes and contemplated my options carefully.
1. I cry and beg for forgiveness.
2. Faint in the car and argue that the impact had caused me to lose my consciousness. No matter how much that sounded like bullshit, I would have to put up with it.
3. I would ram his car right now, make a path and flee. I could go to Puerto Rico, no one ever checks there. They always think criminals flee to Canada first!
I watched as a tall man exited the car. He was wearing sunglasses and a thin bronze jacket that people only wore to look cool and not because it was cold outside. He walked up to my window and knocked. My hand went for the gear as option number three ran back into my head but I buried it away and finally rolled down the window.
“Miss, I think we have a problem here, can you please come out of your car?” he asked.
I studied his face because my father once told me you could tell what kind of person someone was if you looked into their eyes. I was planning on lying to him but that depended on his eyes. But unfortunately I couldn’t tell anything from pitch black. He had some nice facial features, besides his hair. His hair looked like it had been struck by lightning or he had just woke up. I noticed a small mole underneath his lip and another on his neck. If I wasn’t totally freaked out about my bank account I would have thought he was cute but in this circumstance he looked like the Devil to me.
I stepped out and faced the damage; obviously it was my fault since I hadn’t checked my mirrors. I glanced at the symbol in front of his car and dang, Mercedes. I hadn’t even realized how bad I had hit his car, it had a scratch running up the bottom bumper and it even had a dent at the corner. The left headlight had also been cracked.
“I’m going to call my Insurance agency,” he said, taking out his iPhone.
My eyes widened and reached for his hand without thinking. He gasped and even with the glasses I could tell he was looking at me as if I was crazy.
“Please, don’t call!” I dropped to my knees. My aim was to be dramatic and embarrassing, people naturally didn’t like to be next to someone who created big scenes in the middle of a mall’s parking lot.
“What?”
“I have six children! My babies!”
***
I curled the Chinese noodles around my fork, unenthusiastically. My phone rang and I picked it up. “Hello?”
“Eve?” The venomous voice of Elizabeth rung on the other line.
“Oh…yeah,” I answered, shocked. Why didn’t I look at the caller ID? I didn’t have this month’s payment with me.
“I didn’t receive this month’s payment. Do you perhaps not have it with you?” She asked, a smile behind her words.
“Oh no, it’s not that,” I answered hastily. “I’m just running late. I’ll have it to you by next week, I promise. Just give me one more week.”
“Well I trust you with that. I know you don’t want to lose the deed to your father’s house.”
Bitch. My hand fisted underneath the table and I felt like calling her bad names and swear words but I held back. “Thank you,” I said instead.
Alice, my best friend, had slid into the seat in front of me and pointed to the phone. “Who was that?”
“Elizabeth.”
“You know I could give you money this time? You were fired twice already and…”
“Alice. I don’t want your money. This is my debt and I’ll pay it off with my hands, alright?
“But as I friend, I can’t just watch you suffer. You’d help me if I was in your place so why won’t you let me help you?” She reached over and took a bite from my noodle dish. She licked her lips at the taste and she reached back for another bite.
“Because you’re saving money for your wedding and I don’t want to get in-between that. Plus I’ll figure the whole thing out, okay? I told her to give me another week.”
Alice sighed, dropping her shoulders. Alice had planned to get married by the end of the year, to her boss. He was the owner of some small store and he wasn’t that rich but she loved him so I didn’t care much. Alice had always wanted one of those fairy tale weddings so she’s been saving up for her wedding day since she started high school. I really didn’t want to put my hand in that savings account, nor did I want that pure money to be put into my tainted hands.
Money is clean, its people’s hands that make it dirty.
“So did you buy anything?” she asked while pointing to her own bag with the word ‘Macy’s’ on it.
“Uh…no,” I smiled. “I don’t think I want to go to the High School reunion.”
“What?” she spit some of the noodles on my face when she shrieked and I quickly wiped it off my cheek. Gross.
“You have to go!” She whined. “My fiancé’s going out of town so he can’t come but you have to come with me. Anyway it’s the last time you can see all our old friends again.”
“But-”
“No buts. I’m picking you up at six tomorrow. Wear a dress or come in slacks, I don’t care.”
I sighed. “Hey, you know what happened today?” I asked, leaning over.
“Hmm?”
“I hit a Mercedes in the Mall parking lot.”
“You did what?!” She shrieked. “Are you insane? You can barely afford your own groceries, why are you going around hitting expensive cars?”
“I didn’t do it on purpose, stupid,” I retorted.
“Well, what happened?”
“I told the driver I had six kids and he let me off the hook.”
She barked a laugh. “You did what? How did you even pull that off?”
I grinned. “I just made a scene.”
Alice shook her head. “Darling, I don’t know how you’re able to keep your cool after embarrassing yourself over and over again. You did it in High School, you do it now and I’m pretty sure you’ll create a scene the day you die too.”
“Well, that’s a nice thing to say,” I muttered.
She laughed. “Oh, you know I love you!”
***
I looked in the mirror and combed back my brown hair into a bun and clipped in a silver flower that I brought from the dollar store. I even re-tailored my prom outfit to fit the 2010 trend. This way was a lot cheaper than buying that seventy-five dollar dress, I spent less than half of that. The soft pink reminded me of flower petals and my silver jewelry dangled elegantly down my ears and neck. Wow, I was pretty glad that the money my father borrowed from Elizabeth paid for something.
The door bell rang and it was Alice, in a very sexy looking black mini dress with shiny black heels to match. I gave her smile and we were off. Once we arrived at our old school, I caught another Mercedes SUV in the parking lot and I shivered. We went straight to the girl’s bathroom and reapplied our make-up. Just in case.
“Wow, Eve, you looked cute. But I can’t help but say I’ve seen this dress before…” Alice said, tapping her lip.
“Yeah, it’s my old prom dress, remember?”
“Oh my god! I do remember. Hah, I can’t believe you didn’t buy a new dress,” she laughed. “But this one looks good too. It’s a good thing you went to fashion school. At least it paid for something,” she said sourly. “I can’t believe you still fit in your prom dress…I’m too fat,” she muttered under her breath.
“Actually…I altered it a bit,” I confessed even though I didn’t want to.
She laughed. “Come on, sweetheart.” She pulled me out the bathroom and we walked into the gym. The gym was decorated in a sweet elegant theme with maroon colors and the tables were set evenly with light colored drapes and nice looking chairs they probably brought out only once a year.
We walked over to the drink table and looked around at the few familiar faces that we recognized. There was Tim the nose picker and Alissa the whore. Mac, he always cried in the boy’s bathroom. There was fat Jessica, we used to be friends in Middle School but when I made new friends in High School, they didn’t like her because she was an outcast. Although even if they didn’t like me seeing her or talking to her, I never really ignored her presence.
I locked eyes with her and she smiled, giving me a small wave. I waved back and she returned to her other friends.
“Ew, look. It’s Brittney,” Alice pointed.
A tall blonde was standing near the cake table with another guy. She had on a white thin dress that cried to be ripped off, it was so revealing! She had platform heels and sparkling jewelry that shined at every damn angle. Brittney was that two-face girl who said rosy words to you but her thoughts were thorns. That bitch stole my first boyfriend and smiled at me and told me she was sorry. I think I remember that she cried a little too. What a fake.
“Hey…isn’t that Pace Elwood?” Alice asked, now pointed to the guy she was standing with.
I stared at him. Tall, dark fuzzy hair and a black suit that said “I’m rich and I know how to dress”.
Pace was one of the norms’. He was just so regular you forgot he even existed. I had him in my science class and I know for a fact he was a genius, well in my mind anyway. There wasn’t much to say about Pace back then but I remember he had moles on his face. There was one under his lip and another on his neck and cheek bone… wait…
Alice elbowed me. “That is Pace! See those moles? Oh my god, he’s such a hottie now,” Alice squealed. I swear she almost started drooling on my shoulder.
“Quiet, Alice,” I hissed. I took another peek and then it hit me like a freaking rock in the face. Mr. Mercedes was…Pace. I grabbed Alice’s arm with full strength.
“Ow, what?” She squeaked.
I leaned in. “Pace…Mercedes…Pace,” I whispered, keeping my eyes on him.
“What!” her eyes shot open and she began shaking her head. “And you told him you had six kids? Oh shit, you’re in for it,” she laughed. “How do you plan on explaining?”
“I’m not,” I retorted, facing the other way. There only two options on my mind right now.
1. If Pace recognized me as the crazy chick who hit his car, I would have to explain that I lied and by the looks of it, I’d have to pay for a least half the damage. A Mercedes vehicle wasn’t a cheap fix.
2. Or I would have to go with my lie and confess that I have six imaginary kids waiting for me at home and that, I really didn’t want to do.
There was only one thing to do if I wanted to avoid both outcomes. Escape.
“I have to get out of here,” I whispered.
“Wait, you can’t just leave me by myself!” Alice hissed.
“Look, this is the only option I have, I can’t just go around and tell-”
Someone tapped my shoulder and Alice held a frozen look. I turned around to see Brittney and Pace standing behind me with wide smiles.
“I knew it was you!” Brittney cooed, giving me a big hug. I felt her breast stab my chest and I cringed. I only hoped they were fake.
“Oh…hey,” I tried to sound delighted.
“It’s been a long time, how have you been?” She asked with wide eyes. Did she honestly think after all this time we could still be friends? I hated this girl even if we were the only two humans left on earth I wouldn’t talk to her. I’d probably knife her and die alone.
Pace stared at me and I tried to hide my face from him by looking the other way. Please, I begged, you don’t know me. You don’t know me. Better, you don’t even remember who I am.
Last edited by Shearwater on Mon Apr 12, 2010 2:39 pm, edited 3 times in total.
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
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Oh no! I must say, I didn't see that little twist coming. (Perhaps I wasn't looking hard enough?) Anyway, you have a nice start of something longer here I think. Although, the way Eve talks about loving money gets a little bit redundant. Perhaps you can give some modern day examples of things that are expensive. Here you have the Mercedes. Eve went to fashion school, maybe give some examples of types of fashion or designers that she loves or that she sees others wearing at the reunion. Tell us what her prom dress used to look like and how she tailored it to make it more contemporary! Details like this will camp up the story and give Eve more credibility. I also want to know about how she was raised - where she lived and where she lives now. Why is money so important to her? This could be something that you touch on in a later chapter. All in all, good start.
"Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass." - Anton Chekhov




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I just thought I'd inform you that I am attempting to review your piece on my iPod Touch, and if there are any spelling errors, it's this stupid keypad, along with the massive crack on my screen. :D

I really just noticed some spelling errors, the formation is good and the text is really well written. There were a few places where you could use a word change as well.

…even though that dress looked and felt so smooth!

You could use the word 'if' here. It seems more fitting.

... married to rich women so in the end their wallets get slapped together to form a new category…

You could use the word 'joined' instead of 'slapped'. The latter gives me a mental image of someone who has a wallet in each hand and is actually slapping them together.


I walked out of the mall and found my six year old silver Honda civic.

Civic should be capitalized.

cringed at the thought of loosing so much money.

Should be 'losing'.
He was wearing sunglass’s that were as black as his car...

Sunglasses, no apostrophe, just an 'e'.

...cradling his hand which held his venomous iphone.

The 'p' should be capitalized, making it the iPhone. My iPod informed me of this. :D

If I was on the computer, I would finish it but my iPod is annoying the crap out of me. I really liked the story, and am looking forward to chapter two.

XOXO,
Wildest Temptations :elephant:




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Hey!

This was just okay. I can't really tell where it's headed, though. It just seemed like a story of teenage angst where you shove your views about money are shoved down then readers through. The second half just consists of encounters with students who fit various school stereotypes. You introduce the name and appearance of your character quite late and it just doesn't seem natural.

If you want to continue with this story, you should look for a way to make it interesting and engaging. Why does Eve hate money? Why are her friends so rich? What is she going to? You've got an interesting conflict and you don't have your character do anything about it. The implied romance at the end is kind of cheesy.

I'd like to see an edited version of this.

-Elinor xo

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

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Priceless. I love this. I love your character's voice, and I love Alice's character. I love the plot - I love it all. Gresat job. No, sawesome. Pm me for the next chapter. Please.
Ofir
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Hey Pink!

Welcome back friend! Here's a few nitpicks,

So…if I calculated correctly, the total amount of this fine looking dress, with the twenty percent off, plus the extra fifty percent off clearance sale, would still be…
This part should be in italics. I was going to point out that you hadn't put quotation marks to it, then noticed the next sentence did and this was in fact a thought. It was distracting and removed from the flow.

But it wasn’t my fault, she was loaded and she could spare a few dollars.
What wasn't her fault? That the lady was rich or that Eve short-changed her? Maybe you could say that there was a rush of clients and she was losing her cool and short-changed, you know?

Just as I moved out, the back of my car hit and upcoming car
an

I felt the vibrations run up and down my spine, even if the collision didn’t feel that bad. They were sending instant messages to my brain. Car insurance plus repair costs plus court plus everything else out there that I probably didn’t know about. I cringed at the thought of losing so much money
I like this. Beautifully descriptive.

My father once told me that you can instantly tell what kind person someone is by
missing a word, I think. KInd of?

The reason why I was so caution around the dollar bill was all because of this woman. . .
cautious . .

So Instead I lied and told him I had six kids and I cried
the 'I' is capitalised.

I don’t care what you think; I’m coming to get at 6:00 pm sharp tomorrow night
Missing another word; you, maybe?

[quoteI went to the door, slipping on some heels I brought from another bargain store][/quote] bought, maybe?

Oh my, I wanted to tell her that I had altered the dress to fit my current size but I thought I’d let her know later.
Ok, why would she wait? If her best friend is feeling sour, wouldn't she want to comfort her?

Brittney was that girl that was a two-face.
This sentence is wrong but I can't find the right words to correct it here. I know what you mean, that she's THE girl, the two-faced one that everyone's known in high school, but it's a little awkwardly said.

I had him in my science class and I know for a fact he was a genius, well in my mind anyway.
Huh? I don't get this. How can she 'know for a fact' but 'only in her mind'? Maybe give an example? Maybe he had helped her out or something?

“How do you plan on explaining?”
“I’m not,” I retorted.
I think 'I don't' would be a better reply to her question.

You guys were friends before and plus, he looks like he loaded.”
he's

Okaaaaaaaaaaay, I'm done! Pink, I have to agree with pretty much everyone here. The story is good but right now it seems to be really cliché. I'm normally ok with clichés but what doesn't help is your MC isn't very likable. YOu did not make her feel for her, love her. The opinion I have of her so far is that she's a sleeze; she short-changes people, lies to a complete stranger about the accident she really caused, harps about money constantly, doesn't try to comfort her best friend and she admits to having dropped a friend in high school because her friends didn't like her. It makes me want to punch her stupid; not like her.

What could really help is if you gave us some background, make us feel for her, make us cringe when she hits the expensive car. Don't TELL us she has a love-hate thing with money, SHOW us.

Anyway, that's my opinion, hope it helps, pm me if you need any clarifications and please pm me for edited or next chapter :D

Tanya




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Interesting story..I did not see the part where she tells Pace she "has 6 kids" coming..however, I think this story is a bit predictable.
Spoiler
By the title, you can tell that Eve will probably try to seduce Pace, so he doesn't charge her for hitting his car, but she starts to fall in love with him? Anyway, that's just what I think will happen, but a lot of romantic stories are predictable but pretty good.

There were a lot of spelling and grammatical errors in this story, so make sure to go over it a couple times before publishing it on here. The story is very chiche, but I do like where your plot may be going. Also, next chapter can you give us a reason why Eve hates money so much, and describe the characters a bit more?
But overall, a pretty good story. Can't wait to see where it goes.
-Jane :elephant:
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Corrections, suggestions and comments are all in red. ;)

___________________________________________
Chapter one

So…if I calculated correctly, the total amount of this fine looking dress, with the twenty percent off, plus the extra fifty percent off clearance sale, would still be…
“What?! Seventy-five dollars?” I yelled a little too loud and the other women around all looked at me. I gave a weak smile and stared back at the tag. This was too expensive for me. I couldn’t afford it. I don’t even know why the hell I came into this mall. Every store that inhabited this place was ripping people off. Who in the world would wear a two hundred dollar shirt? What the hell?
I turned around and walked out of the shop, keeping my head up. I wasn’t like those other women who were wasting money on petty fabric…even if that dress looked and felt so smooth! I guess my last option was to marry a rich man and live a luxurious life. But then again, all rich men were married to rich women so in the end their wallets get slapped together to form a new category…mega-rich! I want to be a mega-rich woman someday.
I walked out of the mall and found my six year old silver Honda Civic. I climbed in and gunned the engine. I was fired twice, once because I put up a tip jar when I wasn’t supposed to and the other time because I cheated the customer out a few bucks. But it wasn’t my fault, she was loaded and she could spare a few dollars. Anyways, I was helping the business; it wasn’t like I was shoving the extra bucks into my pocket. I love money but I won’t steal.
I shifted to reverse and pulled out of the parking lot. Just as I moved out, the back of my car hit and upcoming car. I felt the vibrations run up and down my spine, even if the collision didn’t feel that bad. They were sending instant messages to my brain. Car insurance plus repair costs plus court plus everything else out there that I probably didn’t know about. I cringed at the thought of losing so much money. I looked back after shifting back into park.
Okay, it would have been better if the car was a shitty looking Chevy or Ford, but it was a sleek black SUV with shiny metal trims. Ouch, that’s gonna hurt. A few thoughts crossed my head it could be just me, but that didn't sound quite right... you could change 'head' to 'mind,' or change the wording ;), first I would pretend to be mentally shocked and pass out so maybe the driver would feel bad and let me out. Second I would cry my eyeballs out and apologize or third, I’d ram into his car, make a path and run away. Maybe I could hide in Puerto Rico, no one ever looks there. They always suspect criminals flee to Canada first.
The door to the shiny money-killer car opened and out stepped a tall man. He had this crazy black hair that looked like it got struck by lightning a little bit. He was wearing sunglasses that were as black as his car and a one of those fancy looking thin jackets that you wear just to look cool and not because it’s cold outside. He walked over to my window and knocked on the glass.
At first, I refused to look at him and the third thought came running back into my head but I eventually rolled down the window.
“Excuse me, Miss,” he addressed me. “I think we have a problem here, can you please get out of your car?”
I stared at him, trying to see through his black force field. My father once told me that you can instantly tell what kind person someone is by looking into their eyes. Unfortunately I couldn’t draw much from pitch black. He skin was a bit tan but smooth looking and his had a nice jaw and facial structure, and there was a mole under his lip. If I wasn’t totally panicked about my bank account, I would’ve thought of ways to seduce him and get a ring around his finger. He looked mighty rich to me!
“Ah…yes,” I replied nervously. I stood outside and faced the damage. Obviously it was my fault, I didn’t check my mirrors. I checked the symbol in front of his SUV…great, a Mercedes…I’m in for it big time.
“I’m going to call my insurance company,” he said, pulling out his cell phone.
“Wait!” I reached for his hand. He returned giving me an odd what-are-you-doing-look. Without thinking, I dropped down to my knees, cradling his hand which held his venomous iPhone. “Please, I have six kids!”
***
Nearby my little house there was this Chinese restaurant. I sat inside, twirling the wooden chop-sticks in my pile of noodles and chicken. The restaurant was small and owned by a short Chinese women. Of all the places to eat, I liked this one best because it had a homey feel to it.
My purse began to vibrate and I pulled out my cell phone. ‘Elizabeth Westmore’ was on the caller ID. I gulped and threw the phone back into my purse, zipping it shut. The reason why I was so caution around the dollar bill was all because of this woman. . .
“Hey,” my best friend, Alice, slide into the seat in front of me. “Spill it, did you even buy anything?” She held up her own plastic bag with ‘Macy’s’ written on it.
“Nope…” I smiled, taking a huge bite of my slippery noodles. “I don’t see the point why I need a new dress. once again, it could be just me, but that didn't sound...natural... maybe 'I don't see the point in getting a new dress,' instead? Anyways…I don’t think I want to go to the high school reunion.”
Alice shook her head. “No, you have to go, Eve. This is the last time you can see all of our old friends.”
“But I promised them the next time they saw me, I was going to be filthy rich! I can’t show up telling them I’ve been waiting tables for the past ten years! I’ll lose face,” I whined.
“Oh come on, I bet they’ve forgotten all about that bet, even though they have different meanings, try to avoid saying 'bet' twice. Replace the first one with "They've probably" or something. ;)” Alice replied, shoving back her brown silky hair and taking a bite of noodles from my plate. Her blue eyes widened at the taste and reached out to grab another bite.
“Hey, guess what happened,” I whispered leaning over.
“Mmm?” She said with her mouth still full.
“I hit a Mercedes in the mall parking lot.”
“What!?” She screeched. Some of her spit and food went flying onto my cheek and I quickly wiped it off. “Oh my god, what happened?”
“Well…” I started. “At first I thought about running away but I couldn’t you know? So Instead I lied and told him I had six kids and I cried and gave him some crap about me being too poor and no insurance and all.”
“Six kids? Are you out of your mind!” She tried to keep serious but I could see the smile behind her eyes. “And then what happened?”
“I don’t know, at first he was surprised and eventually he said it was okay and let me off the hook.”
“Just like that?”
“Well, I guess so.”
“Do you think he knew you were lying?”
“No one ever catches my lies…except you,” I added quickly. “I made it seem believable.”
She smiled. “Whatever the case, be glad you got out of that mess. And,” she said, lifting her bags. “I don’t care what you think; I’m coming to get at 6:00 pm sharp tomorrow night. Get a dress or come in slacks. You’re going, period.”
***
I combed my sleek brown hair up into a bun and stuck in a cheap glittery looking clip I got from the dollar store. I was wearing my prom dress that I had worn the year I graduated high school…of course with a few little adjustments so it looks 2010 and not ten years old. I went to the door, slipping on some heels I brought from another bargain store. At least I looked alright. God bless my ability to tailor clothes and pick colors. I honestly didn’t look that bad and I spent less than seventy five dollars on it. Go me!
The doorbell rang I opened it only to see Alice in her black mini dress and high platforms, looking totally sexy and available. Alice wasn’t married and she swore to herself she’d get married in the next year because she was afraid that after she turned thirty no one would want her. But she was still young. Being twenty-eight wasn’t so bad. Although she always argued she wanted a different birthday so she could be twenty-seven like me. I think she’s a bit sensitive about her age. She once yelled at the delivery boy because he addressed her as “Mrs.”.
Once we arrived at our old school, I caught another Mercedes SUV in the parking lot and I shivered. We went straight to the girl’s bathroom and reapplied our make-up. Just in case.
“Wow, Eve, you looked cute. But I can’t help but say I’ve seen this dress before…” Alice said, tapping her lip.
“Yeah, it’s my old prom dress, remember?”
“Oh my god! I do remember. Hah, I can’t believe you didn’t buy a new dress,” she laughed. “But this one looks good too. It’s a good thing you went to fashion school. At least it paid for something,” she said sourly. “I can’t believe you still fit in your prom dress…I’m too fat,” she muttered under her breath.
“Stop it,” I patted her back. She wasn’t fat, just jealous. Oh my, I wanted to tell her that I had altered the dress to fit my current size but I thought I’d let her know later.
Once we entered the gym which was decorated in an elegant and refined theme with nice draped tables and dim lights, we instantly floated to the drink table. I took a sip of the drink, even if we were all old enough, the school still decided not to serve alcohol, such party poopers.
I recognized a few faces, like Tim the nose picker and Alissa the whore. Mac, he always cried in the boy’s bathroom. There was fat Jessica, I think she had a fat heart too but I had to stop being friends with her because my high school friends didn’t like her and thought she wasn’t ‘our’ material. But I still talked to her – secretly that is.
Fat Jessica was still fat but she lost a couple pounds now. We locked eyes across the gym and waved my fingers at her and gave her a quick smile. She smiled back. I guess we’re still cool. I laughed to myself of how stereotypical we were back in High School and I wonder whether or not today’s kids are the same. Ack, they’re probably worse then us!
“Ew, look. It’s Brittney,” Alice pointed.
A tall blonde was standing near the cake table with another guy. She had on a white thin dress that cried to be ripped off, it was so revealing! She had platform heels and sparkling jewelry that shined at every damn angle. Brittney was that girl that was a two-face. She pretended to like everyone and threw roses when she walked the halls. But she had thorns. That bitch stole my first boyfriend and smiled at me and told me she was sorry. I think I remember that she cried a little too. What a fake.
“Hey…isn’t that Pace Elwood?” Alice asked, now pointed to the guy she was standing with.
I stared at him. Tall, dark fuzzy hair that begged to be touched and a black suit that said “I’m rich and I know how to dress”.
Pace was one of the norms’. He was just so regular you forgot he even existed. I had him in my science class and I know for a fact he was a genius, well in my mind anyway. There wasn’t much to say about Pace back then but I remember he had moles on his face. There was one under his lip and another on his neck and cheek bone.
Alice elbowed me. “That is Pace! See those moles? Oh my god, he’s such a hottie now,” Alice squealed. I swear she almost started drooling.
“Quiet, Alice,” I hissed. I took another peek and then it hit me like a freaking rock in the face. Mr. Mercedes was…Pace. I grabbed Alice’s arm with full strength.
“Ow, what?” She squeaked.
I leaned in. “Pace…Mercedes…Pace,” I whispered, keeping my eyes on him.
“What!” her eyes shot open and she began shaking her head. “And you told him you had six kids? Oh shit, you’re in for it,” she laughed. “How do you plan on explaining?”
“I’m not,” I retorted. There was no way I was going to pay for his car. There was no way I could say I had six kids in front of my high school peers. I decided to leave; I figured that would be the best choice. I wouldn’t have to confront anyone about my past life, no one was approaching me yet but that was a sign. It was a sign that I should leave while I had the chance.
“I’m leaving,” I said to Alice.
“What? You can’t just leave me!”
“Come on, Alice, think about it. I have no other option.”
“But he could forgive you for lying and all. You guys were friends before and plus, he looks like he loaded.”
“I don’t care. I don’t want to deal with that humiliation. I rather not meet him and explain the reason I can’t-”
Someone tapped my shoulder and Alice held a frozen look. I turned around to see Brittney and Pace standing behind me with wide smiles.
“I knew it was you!” Brittney cooed, giving me a big hug. I felt her breast stab my chest and I cringed. I only hoped they were fake.
“Oh…hey,” I tried to sound delighted.
“It’s been a long time, how have you been?” She asked with wide eyes. Did she honestly think after all this time we could still be friends? I hated this girl even if we were the only two humans left on earth I wouldn’t talk to her. I’d probably knife her and die alone.
Pace stared at me and I tried to hide my face from him by looking the other way. Man, why did these embarrassing things only happen to me? I only hoped that he didn’t recognize me as the woman who damaged his car…[/quote]


It was pretty well written and I didn't find too much to correct. Good job!
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

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Corrections, suggestions and comments are all in red. ;)

___________________________________________
Chapter one

So…if I calculated correctly, the total amount of this fine looking dress, with the twenty percent off, plus the extra fifty percent off clearance sale, would still be…
“What?! Seventy-five dollars?” I yelled a little too loud and the other women around all looked at me. I gave a weak smile and stared back at the tag. This was too expensive for me. I couldn’t afford it. I don’t even know why the hell I came into this mall. Every store that inhabited this place was ripping people off. Who in the world would wear a two hundred dollar shirt? What the hell?
I turned around and walked out of the shop, keeping my head up. I wasn’t like those other women who were wasting money on petty fabric…even if that dress looked and felt so smooth! I guess my last option was to marry a rich man and live a luxurious life. But then again, all rich men were married to rich women so in the end their wallets get slapped together to form a new category…mega-rich! I want to be a mega-rich woman someday.
I walked out of the mall and found my six year old silver Honda Civic. I climbed in and gunned the engine. I was fired twice, once because I put up a tip jar when I wasn’t supposed to and the other time because I cheated the customer out a few bucks. But it wasn’t my fault, she was loaded and she could spare a few dollars. Anyways, I was helping the business; it wasn’t like I was shoving the extra bucks into my pocket. I love money but I won’t steal.
I shifted to reverse and pulled out of the parking lot. Just as I moved out, the back of my car hit and upcoming car. I felt the vibrations run up and down my spine, even if the collision didn’t feel that bad. They were sending instant messages to my brain. Car insurance plus repair costs plus court plus everything else out there that I probably didn’t know about. I cringed at the thought of losing so much money. I looked back after shifting back into park.
Okay, it would have been better if the car was a shitty looking Chevy or Ford, but it was a sleek black SUV with shiny metal trims. Ouch, that’s gonna hurt. A few thoughts crossed my head it could be just me, but that didn't sound quite right... you could change 'head' to 'mind,' or change the wording ;), first I would pretend to be mentally shocked and pass out so maybe the driver would feel bad and let me out. Second I would cry my eyeballs out and apologize or third, I’d ram into his car, make a path and run away. Maybe I could hide in Puerto Rico, no one ever looks there. They always suspect criminals flee to Canada first.
The door to the shiny money-killer car opened and out stepped a tall man. He had this crazy black hair that looked like it got struck by lightning a little bit. He was wearing sunglasses that were as black as his car and a one of those fancy looking thin jackets that you wear just to look cool and not because it’s cold outside. He walked over to my window and knocked on the glass.
At first, I refused to look at him and the third thought came running back into my head but I eventually rolled down the window.
“Excuse me, Miss,” he addressed me. “I think we have a problem here, can you please get out of your car?”
I stared at him, trying to see through his black force field. My father once told me that you can instantly tell what kind person someone is by looking into their eyes. Unfortunately I couldn’t draw much from pitch black. He skin was a bit tan but smooth looking and his had a nice jaw and facial structure, and there was a mole under his lip. If I wasn’t totally panicked about my bank account, I would’ve thought of ways to seduce him and get a ring around his finger. He looked mighty rich to me!
“Ah…yes,” I replied nervously. I stood outside and faced the damage. Obviously it was my fault, I didn’t check my mirrors. I checked the symbol in front of his SUV…great, a Mercedes…I’m in for it big time.
“I’m going to call my insurance company,” he said, pulling out his cell phone.
“Wait!” I reached for his hand. He returned giving me an odd what-are-you-doing-look. Without thinking, I dropped down to my knees, cradling his hand which held his venomous iPhone. “Please, I have six kids!”
***
Nearby my little house there was this Chinese restaurant. I sat inside, twirling the wooden chop-sticks in my pile of noodles and chicken. The restaurant was small and owned by a short Chinese women. Of all the places to eat, I liked this one best because it had a homey feel to it.
My purse began to vibrate and I pulled out my cell phone. ‘Elizabeth Westmore’ was on the caller ID. I gulped and threw the phone back into my purse, zipping it shut. The reason why I was so caution around the dollar bill was all because of this woman. . .
“Hey,” my best friend, Alice, slide into the seat in front of me. “Spill it, did you even buy anything?” She held up her own plastic bag with ‘Macy’s’ written on it.
“Nope…” I smiled, taking a huge bite of my slippery noodles. “I don’t see the point why I need a new dress. once again, it could be just me, but that didn't sound...natural... maybe 'I don't see the point in getting a new dress,' instead? Anyways…I don’t think I want to go to the high school reunion.”
Alice shook her head. “No, you have to go, Eve. This is the last time you can see all of our old friends.”
“But I promised them the next time they saw me, I was going to be filthy rich! I can’t show up telling them I’ve been waiting tables for the past ten years! I’ll lose face,” I whined.
“Oh come on, I bet they’ve forgotten all about that bet, even though they have different meanings, try to avoid saying 'bet' twice. Replace the first one with "They've probably" or something. ;)” Alice replied, shoving back her brown silky hair and taking a bite of noodles from my plate. Her blue eyes widened at the taste and reached out to grab another bite.
“Hey, guess what happened,” I whispered leaning over.
“Mmm?” She said with her mouth still full.
“I hit a Mercedes in the mall parking lot.”
“What!?” She screeched. Some of her spit and food went flying onto my cheek and I quickly wiped it off. “Oh my god, what happened?”
“Well…” I started. “At first I thought about running away but I couldn’t you know? So Instead I lied and told him I had six kids and I cried and gave him some crap about me being too poor and no insurance and all.”
“Six kids? Are you out of your mind!” She tried to keep serious but I could see the smile behind her eyes. “And then what happened?”
“I don’t know, at first he was surprised and eventually he said it was okay and let me off the hook.”
“Just like that?”
“Well, I guess so.”
“Do you think he knew you were lying?”
“No one ever catches my lies…except you,” I added quickly. “I made it seem believable.”
She smiled. “Whatever the case, be glad you got out of that mess. And,” she said, lifting her bags. “I don’t care what you think; I’m coming to get at 6:00 pm sharp tomorrow night. Get a dress or come in slacks. You’re going, period.”
***
I combed my sleek brown hair up into a bun and stuck in a cheap glittery looking clip I got from the dollar store. I was wearing my prom dress that I had worn the year I graduated high school…of course with a few little adjustments so it looks 2010 and not ten years old. I went to the door, slipping on some heels I brought from another bargain store. At least I looked alright. God bless my ability to tailor clothes and pick colors. I honestly didn’t look that bad and I spent less than seventy five dollars on it. Go me!
The doorbell rang I opened it only to see Alice in her black mini dress and high platforms, looking totally sexy and available. Alice wasn’t married and she swore to herself she’d get married in the next year because she was afraid that after she turned thirty no one would want her. But she was still young. Being twenty-eight wasn’t so bad. Although she always argued she wanted a different birthday so she could be twenty-seven like me. I think she’s a bit sensitive about her age. She once yelled at the delivery boy because he addressed her as “Mrs.”.
Once we arrived at our old school, I caught another Mercedes SUV in the parking lot and I shivered. We went straight to the girl’s bathroom and reapplied our make-up. Just in case.
“Wow, Eve, you looked cute. But I can’t help but say I’ve seen this dress before…” Alice said, tapping her lip.
“Yeah, it’s my old prom dress, remember?”
“Oh my god! I do remember. Hah, I can’t believe you didn’t buy a new dress,” she laughed. “But this one looks good too. It’s a good thing you went to fashion school. At least it paid for something,” she said sourly. “I can’t believe you still fit in your prom dress…I’m too fat,” she muttered under her breath.
“Stop it,” I patted her back. She wasn’t fat, just jealous. Oh my, I wanted to tell her that I had altered the dress to fit my current size but I thought I’d let her know later.
Once we entered the gym which was decorated in an elegant and refined theme with nice draped tables and dim lights, we instantly floated to the drink table. I took a sip of the drink, even if we were all old enough, the school still decided not to serve alcohol, such party poopers.
I recognized a few faces, like Tim the nose picker and Alissa the whore. Mac, he always cried in the boy’s bathroom. There was fat Jessica, I think she had a fat heart too but I had to stop being friends with her because my high school friends didn’t like her and thought she wasn’t ‘our’ material. But I still talked to her – secretly that is.
Fat Jessica was still fat but she lost a couple pounds now. We locked eyes across the gym and waved my fingers at her and gave her a quick smile. She smiled back. I guess we’re still cool. I laughed to myself of how stereotypical we were back in High School and I wonder whether or not today’s kids are the same. Ack, they’re probably worse then us!
“Ew, look. It’s Brittney,” Alice pointed.
A tall blonde was standing near the cake table with another guy. She had on a white thin dress that cried to be ripped off, it was so revealing! She had platform heels and sparkling jewelry that shined at every damn angle. Brittney was that girl that was a two-face. She pretended to like everyone and threw roses when she walked the halls. But she had thorns. That bitch stole my first boyfriend and smiled at me and told me she was sorry. I think I remember that she cried a little too. What a fake.
“Hey…isn’t that Pace Elwood?” Alice asked, now pointed to the guy she was standing with.
I stared at him. Tall, dark fuzzy hair that begged to be touched and a black suit that said “I’m rich and I know how to dress”.
Pace was one of the norms’. He was just so regular you forgot he even existed. I had him in my science class and I know for a fact he was a genius, well in my mind anyway. There wasn’t much to say about Pace back then but I remember he had moles on his face. There was one under his lip and another on his neck and cheek bone.
Alice elbowed me. “That is Pace! See those moles? Oh my god, he’s such a hottie now,” Alice squealed. I swear she almost started drooling.
“Quiet, Alice,” I hissed. I took another peek and then it hit me like a freaking rock in the face. Mr. Mercedes was…Pace. I grabbed Alice’s arm with full strength.
“Ow, what?” She squeaked.
I leaned in. “Pace…Mercedes…Pace,” I whispered, keeping my eyes on him.
“What!” her eyes shot open and she began shaking her head. “And you told him you had six kids? Oh shit, you’re in for it,” she laughed. “How do you plan on explaining?”
“I’m not,” I retorted. There was no way I was going to pay for his car. There was no way I could say I had six kids in front of my high school peers. I decided to leave; I figured that would be the best choice. I wouldn’t have to confront anyone about my past life, no one was approaching me yet but that was a sign. It was a sign that I should leave while I had the chance.
“I’m leaving,” I said to Alice.
“What? You can’t just leave me!”
“Come on, Alice, think about it. I have no other option.”
“But he could forgive you for lying and all. You guys were friends before and plus, he looks like he loaded.”
“I don’t care. I don’t want to deal with that humiliation. I rather not meet him and explain the reason I can’t-”
Someone tapped my shoulder and Alice held a frozen look. I turned around to see Brittney and Pace standing behind me with wide smiles.
“I knew it was you!” Brittney cooed, giving me a big hug. I felt her breast stab my chest and I cringed. I only hoped they were fake.
“Oh…hey,” I tried to sound delighted.
“It’s been a long time, how have you been?” She asked with wide eyes. Did she honestly think after all this time we could still be friends? I hated this girl even if we were the only two humans left on earth I wouldn’t talk to her. I’d probably knife her and die alone.
Pace stared at me and I tried to hide my face from him by looking the other way. Man, why did these embarrassing things only happen to me? I only hoped that he didn’t recognize me as the woman who damaged his car…[/quote]


It was pretty well written and I didn't find too much to correct. Good job!
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

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Oops...sorry, it double posted for some reason! I don't know how to delete it though...
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?




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Thanks for the reviews and comments guys. I've edited this chapter and hopefully it sounds better. I changed her personality but I wanted to keep her realistic, most people aren't always good so I'm trying to get her bad side to show too. Maybe in the next chapter she can feel more 3-D.
I know writing Romance is hard, especially since almost every story is predictable but the real challenge is writing the story and creating the feelings and problems that the main characters face together.

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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Hey Pink!

I was stalking this thread and discovered you had edited. Great job! I much prefer Eve in this version. I would advise, though, that you go back and read, there's missing a lot of words. For example, read the last sentence. You wrote 'you don't me.', twice.

LOL Great work on this version!!!

Tanya :D




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Because this is a first chapter, I've moved it to Romantic Novels. ^_^
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.




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I agree with the others that your main character is a bit unlikable. The part that really put me off about her was when she was describing all her old classmates in such a harsh way. I mean, the way she talked about ‘fat Jessica’ was just horrible. And if she knew Pace would grow up to be a genius, wouldn’t she have tried to be better friends with him during high school? She seems like someone with no friends, and that hasn’t really moved on after high school.

While this can leave room for major character development later on, it doesn’t help with our first impression of Eve. And yes, the romance with Pace is pretty much inevitable.

It was pretty entertaining, though, and I had a good time reading it. Good luck with your next chapters!
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk




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Pink! I loved it :3
But I'm guessing you stopped this novel to? D=
But seriously though, I loved it :D It was different, and your right about what you said, Not everybody is nice. But I do love your characters though xD

Keep on writing!

~Book Person~
I won't run when the sky turns to flame
and I sure won't budge when the earth does shake
when the flood comes up, I will dance in the rain
'cause it's all the same to me



You never really know how much of you takes residence in other people... We all exchange bits and pieces of ourselves with each other until we're big sparkly collages of everyone and everything we've ever loved
— GengarTheGhost