Sneak Peek: "Hate"

This is just a excerpt of the series I pride my self on. Comment if you want me to post every single story, EVER, on YWS. 'Cause I can. Probably.

She hated him.
A lot.

He was arrogant. He was cold. He was ignorant. He knew her weak points, and exploited them shamelessly. He was one of the extremely few people who could make her cry, and she wouldn't admit that to anyone, even herself. He wasn't afraid to use a spell or charm to find out her darkest secrets, her worst fears, anything about her. He had that stupid sword, the Vapulus Blade, as he called it, that he used with as much skill as she did the Bellator Gauntlets. There was always a glint in his silver eyes that made want her want to punch him extremely hard, or.... something else that she refused to think about. Anytime she looked at him, he would smirk, like he knew exactly what she was thinking. Even without blades or magic, he was just as good a fighter as she was. It infuriated her. He had a way of pushing her to the edge with just a few words, and when he was in a bad mood, he would lash out and crush every happiness she felt, or just wear an annoyed sneer.

But there was another reason she hated him, a reason that made her want to kill him even more.

She loved him.



So, what did you think? Tell me! Also comment on if you want me to post the whole series, or just snippets like this. PEACE!

It sounds great! It sounded just like one of those teasers that you read on the back of books. You should definitely post it, I'm very interested! PM me when you do!

Yay! Clippets or actual series?

Hey, Ninjacookiemonster! I'm Heather, and I'll be your reviewer. =D

Okay, a couple things before I get on to your piece.

1. For every piece of your own you post, you should critique 2 or 3 other things. I recommend you do some reviewing before posting any more of your work.

2. I think it would probably be better to post in full chapters instead of by each paragraph or two.

Okay, when it comes to the beginning, I really think you should only say 'A lot.' once. Maybe twice, but no more, and not in full caps. It really takes away from the piece and makes it seem more immature in a way, if that makes sense?

When it comes to the overall of the piece, it's alright if it is the start of a story, but you shouldn't keep writing it with what I call 'Dead Sentences'. A dead sentence is where the sentence is really short and tends to be cut off quickly, and also seems to have unimportant meanings or no interest. Make the sentences more interesting, and more descriptive and such!

Another thing with the overall is that I could easily predict what this was going to be. I've seen several pieces near identical to this, where it is talking about someone they hate and who is terrible, and then the final line is saying they love him/her. It is quite overused and boring, and it just seems like another one of those teen or abuse romance/drama stories. I'd also work on the name a bit. 'Hate' is also well used, and it doesn't really catch someone's attention.

When you don't have dead sentences, you seem to write decently. If you could find a more interesting plot then you could end up with a really good story.

Good luck and keep writing. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or if you want any help or reviews.

~Heather

Oh...goodie this sounds good. You should definitely post the rest.

I really liked it! Truly though it sounds like a really good story. One thing I am currently unsure about is whether it is a romance, fantasy or general because obviously it is about romance, but it has that bit about magic and weapons. So which did you plan/have made it? (Just wondering)

I agree with Earth, it does sound just like the preview from the back of a book. Although I didn't read heather's comment I was wondering how someone could post something that long for this bit.

Well thanks for the good read please PM me if you update.

If they ask, I shall give

Amazing, NCM!

I love your work~ This is an amazing piece, and even though im'ma boy... (ya wouldnt guess ) I can totally relate to this!



I love the way that it all sums up to that final sentence I like it when it constructs itself like that ;D

Keep writing!~



REVIEW MY STUFF, you evil stealthy-biscuit, you!~

Comments in red.

ninjacookiemonster wrote:This is just a excerpt of the series I pride my self on. Comment if you want me to post every single story, EVER, on YWS. 'Cause I can. Probably.

She hated him.
A lot.
A LOT, a lot. The flow of the last two sentences is kind of awkward. Revise. Maybe cut the a's.

Mind showing?

He was arrogant. He was cold. He was ignorant. He knew her weak points, and exploited them shamelessly. He was one of the extremely Personally I would rather you don't put extremely, but that might be just me. few people who could make her cry, and she wouldn't admit that to anyone, even herself. He wasn't afraid to use a spell or charm to find out her darkest secrets, her worst fears, anything about her. He had that stupid sword, the Vapulus Blade as he called it, that he used with as much skill as she did the Bellator Gauntlets. There was always a glint in his silver eyes that made want her want to punch him extremely hard, or.... something else that she refused to think about. Haha. I like the way that sentence ended. Anytime she looked at him, he would smirk, like he knew exactly what she was thinking. Even without blades or magic, he was just as good a fighter as she was. It infuriated her. He had a way of pushing her to the edge with just a few words, and when he was in a bad mood, he would lash out and crush every happiness she felt, or just wear an annoyed sneer.

But there was another reason she hated him, a reason that made her want to kill him even more.

She loved him.

YES I LOVE THE ENDING. I just love villain/protagonist relationships.

So, what did you think? Tell me! Also comment on if you want me to post the whole series, or just snippets like this. PEACE!

Wait. This part is actually in the story? It better be an epiphany moment or else it'd be infodumpy. And those things you mentioned? They better be shown in the story.

So yeah. Post it. And PM me if you want me to review them. I like this.

Yours truly,

Kara

Don't worry, they will!

I thought it was great, first of all. A true work of art.
Since it's a preview, I won't say too much about this, but note- you might want to add more detail. It's an alluring preview, yes, but we want more to really get into it.
Other than that? Loved it!

Hey ninjacookiemonster!

(And yes, I love that name.)

I think this isn't really an excerpt as much as it is a query! Which is fantastic, really... I'm attempting to write a query now and it sucks, so it's lovely to see you so gifted at this!

Anyway, the series definitely looks fun. You might want to post the first couple of chapters on YWS to see if you're on the right track.