Jokesters Threat--Chapter 2

Thanks to all those who comented on my last post (Deception--Chapter 1). This is the following on from that, please review...and...I'll be your bestfriend!

Chapter 2: Jokesters Threat

Black and white dots danced frivolously before my eyes. The loud ringing of the machine beside me began groan as more readings spilled forth and onto the black and green screen.

“Darling!” A startled voice called lovingly to me. Moving my head systematically I stared up at a large bosom being pressed to my face. Screaming I threw myself back gagging in horror. My Aunty, Loraine, loomed over the hospital bed pressing a white napkin to her tear stained face.

“You’re awake! Oh, I just knew you’d get out alright, my little Brea.” I blinked stunned at Aunty Loraine’s sudden appearance. My mother walked into the hospital room holding a bouquet of roses in her shaking grip.

“Brea,” she said in a less ecstatic voice, “You’re awake.” I cocked my head to the side, what was I doing here? A few cards were propped here and there, a bear pressed next to me. Its stony black eyes stared up into the pale white ceiling above my head.

“Mum, what am I doing here?” I asked pulling the blankets off of me. Aunty Loraine came around to the other side of the bed playing with my brown hair.

“Don’t you remember darling? You fell outside…” My mother grunted silencing Aunty Loraine from her babbling. Loraine looked away from her sister, fiddling with the blankets I had thrown off of myself.

“I fell outside? I cannot remember-” I stopped, the image of blood and the black haired boy screaming his death warning at me. I felt my hands begin to shake, and fear tug at my already swollen heart.

“Get out Loraine!” My mother shrieked; her wide blue eyes were blood shot from lack of sleep and tears.

“I was only trying to-” Loraine began, stuttering slightly. My mother stepped towards her threateningly, an ugly grimace covering her face.

“Get away from daughter! This is all your fault and you know it! You let this happen to us, you stupid little witch!” Hospital care workers rushed frantically into the room tyring to calm my mother down. Their pale blue clothes clashed against my Aunts pink and orange floral dress.

“You nearly had us killed!” My mother threw herself at Aunt Loraine anger swirling in her eyes. The care takers grabbed hastily at my Mothers arms pulling her back before she could attack Loraine.

Loraine stepped back her fists clenched, her mouth wide agape in horror. I stared in shock as my mother was nocked to the ground, the care takers holding her down fastly.

“I am going to kill you, Loraine! Smear you blood into the dirt and drive a knife through your puny heart…” I gasped. Those same words had come to me last night. I felt tears begin to brim in the corner of my eyes.

“Mum,” I gurgled my heart faltering. Loraine edged around my screeching mother, rushing clumsily towards the door. I watched her drop a piece of paper behind her before closing the entrance, leading a shadow in her frantic wake.

I stared at the fluttering white paper, my heart skipping a beat. A drop of red smeared the side, the paper fibres crumbling messily towards the middle.

“Let me go! Let me go!” My mother shouted her sobs racking into loud howls.

“Ma’am please restrain yourself!” The Male care taker said in an annoyingly calm tone. I stepped out of bed and onto the cold tiled floor. Walking slowly towards the piece of paper, I picked it up smoothing the crumpled edges.

“Tonight be the night the jokester comes to play!” I read aloud my heart quenching. My mother stopped screaming, a deathly silence running through the room. I looked at the corner of the note to see a jokesters head, mouth wide with murderous teeth barred menacingly.

“Brea!” My mother howled, “Let that note go now!”

Wow. That was creepy--in a good way . Hi I'm Earthfire!

Mostly what I could find were nitpicks, so I'll just talk about those. Just remember to add commas in their proper places. I'll just give you a small example:

Screaming, I threw myself back gagging in horror.

Add commas after "screaming" and "back", or you could say "while gagging in horror."

Really, the only other thing besides commas was one sentence:

“Get away from daughter! This is all your fault and you know it! You let this happen to us, you stupid little witch!”

Do you mean to say, "Get away from my daughter?"

This is a great story so far. It keeps my attention and again, it's creepy. PM me when you post more!

Thanks Earthfire!

Here to review as requested!!

One quick note first. Jokesters Threat and Deception are chapters in the same book, right? So the novel page should have the novel's title, and each chapter can have it's name, and all of the chapters should be together on the novel page. Does that make sense? Because this way it was kind of confusing figuring out to read Deception to find out exactly what was going on. Anyways, on to the review.

Red = Corrections
Blue = Things I like
Bold = Comments

Apple wrote:Thanks to all those who comented on my last post (Deception--Chapter 1). This is the following on from that, please review...and...I'll be your bestfriend!

Chapter 2: Jokesters Threat

Black and white dots danced frivolously before my eyes. The loud ringing of the machine beside me began groaning as more readings spilled forth and onto the black and green screen.

“Darling!” A startled voice called lovingly to me. Moving my head systematically I stared up at a large bosom being pressed to my face. Screaming I threw myself back gagging in horror. My Aunty, Loraine, Neither of those commas were needed. loomed over the hospital bed pressing a white napkin to her tear stained face.

“You’re awake! Oh, I just knew you’d get out alright, my little Brea.” I blinked, You do, however, need them here. stunned at Aunty Loraine’s sudden appearance. My mother walked into the hospital room holding a bouquet of roses in her shaking grip.

“Brea,” she said in a less ecstatic voice, “You’re awake.” I cocked my head to the side, This should either be a semicolon (;) or a new sentence altogether. what was I doing here? A few cards were propped here and there, and a bear was pressed next to me. Its stony black eyes stared up into the pale white ceiling above my head.

“Mum, what am I doing here?” I asked pulling the blankets off of me. Aunty Loraine came around to the other side of the bed, playing with my brown hair.

“Don’t you remember darling? You fell outside…” It should be a dash (-) instead of three periods. The voice is not trailing off, it's being cut short. My mother grunted, silencing Aunty Loraine from her babbling. Loraine looked away from her sister, fiddling with the blankets I had thrown off of myself.

“I fell outside? I cannot I don't know how old this girl is, but most people, of any age, don't say cannot. You should change this to "can't." remember-” I stopped, the image of blood and the black haired boy screaming his death warning at me. This sentence feels incomplete, like you just decided to stop without finishing. You should do it something like, "the image of the blood and the black haired boy screaming his death warning to me filled my mind." Without that ending we don't know what is happening to the image. Even though we can easily guess, stopping to think about it takes readers away from the story. I felt my hands begin to shake, and fear tug at my already swollen heart.

“Get out Loraine!” My mother shrieked; her wide blue eyes were blood shot from lack of sleep and tears.

“I was only trying to-” You went on to say that she was stuttering a little. If so, you should write it something like this: "I-I was only tr-trying t-to help." Loraine began, stuttering slightly. My mother stepped towards her threateningly, an ugly grimace covering her face.

“Get away from daughter! This is all your fault and you know it! You let this happen to us, you stupid little witch!” Why is this her fault again? And a minute ago the mother was tolerating her, then she kind of blew up. Maybe this was the effect you were going for, but it seems kind of rushed. Hospital care workers rushed frantically into the room tyring You meant "trying." It's a simple typo, easily fixed. to calm my mother down. Their pale blue clothes clashed against my Aunt's This is possessive, so there should be an apostrophe. pink and orange floral dress.

“You nearly had us killed!” My mother threw herself at Aunt Loraine anger swirling in her eyes. The care takers grabbed hastily at my Mother's Again, possessive. arms pulling her back before she could attack Loraine.

Loraine stepped back her fists clenched, her mouth wide agape in horror. I stared in shock as my mother was nocked Another typo, again, easily fixed. to the ground, the care takers holding her down fastly. One: fastly isn't a word. Two: you probably mean "firmly."

“I am going to kill you, Loraine! Smear you blood into the dirt and drive a knife through your puny heart…” I gasped. Those same words had come to me last night. I felt tears begin to brim in the corner of my eyes.

“Mum,” I gurgled, my heart faltering. Loraine edged around my screeching mother, rushing clumsily towards the door. I watched her drop a piece of paper behind her before closing the entrance, leading a shadow in her frantic wake.

I stared at the fluttering white paper, my heart skipping a beat. A drop of red smeared the side, the paper fibres Fibers. crumbling messily towards the middle.

“Let me go! Let me go!” My mother shouted, her sobs racking into loud howls.

“Ma’am, please restrain yourself!” The Male Why is "male" capitalized? It's not a name. It's not a proper noun. It has no other reason for being capitalized. care taker said in an annoyingly calm tone. I stepped out of bed and onto the cold tiled floor. Walking slowly towards the piece of paper, I picked it up smoothing the crumpled edges.

“Tonight be the night the jokester comes to play!” I read aloud, my heart quenching. My mother stopped screaming, a deathly silence running through the room. I looked at the corner of the note to see a jokester's Possessive. Apostrophe. head, mouth wide with murderous teeth barred menacingly.

“Brea!” My mother howled, “Let that note go now!”

Grammar

OK, so most people have a problem with commas. Most people use way too many of them, placing them in unnecessary places--myself included. You have just the opposite problem. You don't use enough of them, which is almost worse than too many because it makes some sentences incomprehensible. My favorite saying thing towards this may just be useful in your case. "Let's eat, Grandpa! Let's eat Grandpa! Proven--grammar saves lives."

Characters

Brea:

OK, so we don't really know much about her at this point. Be sure to give us details about how she looks early on, because that's when we form a mental image of her and we don't want to go on thinking she's a four foot tall blonde and find out ten chapters in that she is a six foot burnette. Also, we don't know much personality wise, and while that's something that's built as the story goes, we do want to know what kind of person the MC is.

Mom:

OK, (yeah, I use the word OK a lot) this could just be me, but she seemed to go kind of ballistic on Aunty Lorraine. She probably has a good reason that we find out about later on, but maybe a little back story on them would work.

Aunty Lorraine:

She seems... interesting. The way she went all motherly, hugging Brea and everything. Then about leaving that note. I'm a little confused as to what side she's on, though that may be the intended effect. Still, all that does make me want to find out more.

Description

All though you don't outright tell us what they look like, I get a pretty good feel for the characters. Same for the setting. The one thing I think is a little weak is that you don't give us much background information, such as things like the aunt and the mom's relationship. How old Brea is. How they usually act, what hobbies they do. You know, the stuff that makes up a person. Having a character is not just knowing what they are like now, but what got them there, personality wise and simply location and with whom.

Overall

I think this has a lot of potential. I think your biggest problem is laying everything out in a non-confusing way. Maybe making it more clearer as to what is going on. I mean, I know when something--say when the mom lunged at the aunt--but it seems kind of rushed. Like on thing happened, then another. You don't necessarily do a lot of telling, but it seems that you go from one thing to another really quickly. In a book people expect little breaks in the action for you to tell them something about the character and their background or similar stuff. Here you don't do that.

So, while this does have a lot of potential, you are going to have to work really hard to live up to it. If anything, when you've edited and edited and decided that your work is perfect, set it down, go to sleep, and after a day--or maybe a few--recheck it. Something that you once thought was a work of brilliance you might decide is horrible, and vice versa.

I hope this has helped.

loveness, ultraviolet