nameless story

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This is just the first part of something I started writing and I want to see if its OK. reviews would be helpful, cause I don't know whether I'm going to continue this story or not.

I pulled my hood down lower as I peeked out of the narrow alleyway in Port Taylon. The buildings were tall and narrow on either side of me and it was drizzling lightly, the moisture soaking into my woollen cape, making it heavy and damp. I longed to push back my hood and feel the rain wash away the perspiration and grime on my face, but I reigned in my desires. No one must see my face. The streets were dark, but that wasn’t going to help me if the watch found me. I tried to run lightly and quietly from the feeble protection the alleyway afforded and fell in the shadows by the edge of the street, but exhaustion dulled my movements. I was clumsy and fatigued. Seven months of being on the run did that to you. The sea, wild and angry foamed beside me. The chilling waves lashed violently against the stone walls that kept it at bay on nights like this. I felt the icy droplets land on my face, so cold, it was blisteringly sore. I wiped them away with a long sleeve, but could still taste salt when I licked my thin lips. It was a miserable night. No sane person would be out tonight. Well. Sane was the crux of the matter, wasn’t it? The smell of blood, salt and dirt assaulted my nostrils and I gagged quietly. I had forgotten the ugliness of the place. Most importantly, the stench.
Suddenly, I heard shouting behind me and turned desperately for something to hide behind. Footsteps and the sound of hoof-beats echoed down the streets; I was frantic now. I leapt behind a pile of empty wooden crates ungracefully, making a loud clatter that could thankfully not be heard over the sea’s crashing. I put my eye hurriedly to the sliver of light in between the piles of boxes. My blood went cold as the sea at the sight I saw. Two men on horseback, four on foot. The dawn watch. Easily recognizable from the bright crimson and gold uniforms they wore. Their pretty gold medals jingled on their chests and the pikes they carried gleamed in the weak light. They looked absolutely ridiculous, yet they were the ones to be feared. I knew from experience that there would be at least on magician in the group. They stopped for a few seconds and I desperately tried to see what they were doing, or if they were speaking. The wrath of the sea masked any noises they might have made and the rain blurred the scene. I pushed my eye harder against the crack to see well. The boxes wobbled lightly, threateningly. . I tried to leap forwards to seize them, but in my exhaustion, aimed badly and lunged clumsily straight into the crates. They tumbled to the rounded cobbles with an ear-splitting crack. I was frozen in terror. I must have looked like an animal to those soldiers, crouched down, blood and grime all over my pale face. They stared at me for a moment, faces frozen in the same mask of shock and fear. Then it registered on them that I was only a child. That I was smaller than them and unarmed. And that it was my face that was plastered all over the Port on wanted posters. In a second I was up and pounding down the street, rain and wind lashing my face. I already knew that I couldn’t outrun them. Two were on horse-back and they were fit adults. I was an injured child. I ran faster, tears welling up in my eyes, taking ragged breaths. The hoof-beats were louder now. I skidded on the cobbled, grazing my legs, pushing myself up, wet hair flopping in my eyes. Faster..... I forced my legs to work harder, burning, aching. I was sprinting down, arms pumping furiously, face drawn and pinched, eyes welling with tears. My throat was burning and I gulped furiously. I was just about to stop, let them catch me. At least my cell would be dry. As these thoughts crossed my mind, there was a shove in the small of my back and I went flying. The ground was hard and twice as unforgiving. I heard a sword being unsheathed and I stayed still, sobbing into the ground, cheek against the wet stone. My limbs were cramping up. I didn’t want to move. Ever again. A rough boot caught my waist and I rolled over obediently. My eyes were too blurred to see properly. I curled up in a ball, closing my eyes.
“So it is you.” The voice was rough and grated against my frayed nerves like sandpaper. I peeked out of my fingers again. A man, towering over me like a giant.
“Well, you’ll bring us in a pretty penny. An earldom apiece, very nice! Wouldn’t you say boys? And for such scum. Street rat.” I was too tired to feel angry. Just bring me in please. What happened next was so vivid and sudden, it would haunt my nightmares for weeks after. The man leant in closer, to tie me up, I think. I screamed and scrambled back, eyes closed. There was a pause. Then several shocked yells and weapons being unbuckled. I cracked my eyes open. This time it was my scream that shattered the night air. The man was impaled on an arrow. His body was slumped on the ground. Another man in black grasped my wrist in his vice-like fingers and pulled me bodily from the ground.
“Get up Vivien. “ He was dragging me along, me stumbling behind, sobbing wildly like a puppy on a leash, tugging me each time I lagged behind.
“I...don’t....want....to....” I tried to wrench my wrist free so I could just lie down. Sleep was all I wanted.
“Stubborn little thing, aren’t you?” He scooped me up in his arms like a baby. I screamed and thumped his chest with my delicate wrist.
“Put me-” I stopped. He called me Vivien. No one knows my real name. No one. Vivien Scarlett was long-dead now. Only a few people had known me then. Even less were alive to remember...
“Scott!” I was so surprised I stopped crying. “Scott! What..How...” The man threw back his hood. Scott Handel’s pale hard-angled face came into view.
“Shut up.” Scott said gently, adjusting the position of his arms. “You need sleep, Vivi. Just be quiet and we’ll be home soon.” I was too fatigued to ask where home was. I drifted in and out of sleep, the streets spinning and trailing in front of me. I registered being put down on a soft surface eventually, but my dreams refused to leave me. Wraithlike figures in violent splashes of colour danced around the room and I tossed and turned, crying out and muttering strange words. Everything was blurry and disoriented. Exhausted as I was, sleep wouldn’t come until the fresh lights of dawn peeked over the tree tops.
Last edited by Aquareed on Sat Mar 19, 2011 10:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hello!

If Rowling had only started and not finished off - we'd all be terribly unhappy, wouldn't we? Writing for fun and practise and whatever else without finishing is fine, but try! Try else you'll find yourself with so many folders of uncompleted works it will make your head hurt. Throbbing will crack your skull, even. Finish! Finish!

Alright, so the first paragraph - it's terribly descriptive. Those descriptions, they're well-worded and interesting (icy droplets, salt taste). But there are so many of them and the reader has to make so many turns. Are they all truly needed? I'd stick to the essentials: paint a very nice picture with chosen phrases (a varied one you have, with some very nice specimens. which reminds me: buy the red or blue sandals? can't decide...).

See, the beginning is exactly what it sounds like - a beginning. It decides whetheror not someone will continue reading on usually the first paragrapoh's merit, sentence maybe! Descriptions are usually not a good way to start because they don't pull the reader in. For that reason, action is normally chosen. Something that just grabs a reader's attention and doesn't let go.

Second paragraph! Ah! See that dark splotch, over there, behind the horizon? That's me, fleeing. This paragraph, it's just so - big. Bulky. Someone here on YWS once said something along the lines of steaks being very good, but having to be chopped into bite-size first. That's exactly what I'd like to see done here. And it stands out, this paragraph, doesn't it? Looking at the length of all the other ones?

Demeter wrote a wonderful article on dialogue punctuation, if I wrote: other ones. My mind's cluttery and works on association-basis, as you mind have noticed. But here's the link: topic44898.html

That was the visual aspect (first impressions - and refers to that bulky thing and yes, punctuation too!). Elbowing this aside, I really liked the MC. Personality peeked through the paragraph's heavy curtains. Throughout the whole piece, the reader knows what's happening, there's a sense of place (so, plot), but most importantly - s/he can relate to the character. Little sentences showing us this character are very greatly appreciated: worldview through the MC's eyes does a lot to the story. And while I did harp about too much descriptions in the beginning, I did enjoy them :)


Thanks for posting,
Esme




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Wow! I can't wait to see if you continue this!!

I'll get the bad things out of the way before I go on about all the things I like :wink:

The sea, wild and angry, foamed beside me.

Just needs a comma there to break it up =]

I pulled my hood down lower as I peeked out of the narrow alleyway in Port Taylon. The buildings were tall and narrow

Find another word for narrow? Maybe a different way to describe the alleyway with dark connotations to carry on with the atmospheric tension. =]

The streets were dark, but that wasn’t going to help me if the watch found me.

You don't need the first 'me' here, it just makes it a bit clunky to read.

Some suggestions of where to break up the huuuge paragraph in the middle:-
-When the dawn watch are introduced.
-Some time during when the crates fall down ... possibly while they are all paused and stunned?
-when she runs

--

I really like how you don't tell the reader everything at once - in the beginning, we don't know who the enemy is; later we still don't know why she's hiding/wanted. So I'm super eager to find out!

Keep writing!!
Elizabeth: "There will come a moment when you will have a chance to show it. To do the right thing."
Jack: "I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by."




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Hey, Aquareed.

This is story did a nice job of drawing me in in the first paragraph. The opening lines could use some work, but you present enough information for me to want to continue reading: I know there is a person, on the run, in a port town that she doesn't seem to like and she is questioning her own sanity. Probably the thing that drew me in the most is that one line that questions her sanity. Among everything else, it seemed the most unique. It made me want to continue.

What I didn't get in the first paragraph (and I really wanted to have) was a sense of location and a gender/age for the character. You mention an alley in a port town and you mention the angry sea. Ports are usually built so that they open onto a bay or coast that is protected in some way. Rough waters tend to tear a ship up. You don't want to moor your ship in a port that's likely to do damage to it. Also, alleys are supposed to run between buildings traditionally. I don't know how you would see the ocean from an alley.

Later, it becomes important that your main character is a child. Why not present that to your reader at the beginning? That way, we can get a better grasp of the character. As it is, I was already forming the image of a woman in my mind before I got to the point where ou explained that she was a child.

Further on it becomes confusing as to who is chasing her. Are these city soldiers? Do they know who she is before they catch up to her? If they don't, than why are they chasing her in the first place?

"Well, you’ll bring us in a pretty penny. An earldom apiece, very nice! Wouldn’t you say boys? And for such scum. Street rat.”

Be careful of calling anyone a "street rat." It has been used so often before that it doesn't hold a lot of power anymore.

As these thoughts crossed my mind, there was a shove in the small of my back and I went flying.

This seems implausible. When running after someone, it would be difficult to get enough momentum to both catch up with them and shove them forward. Imagine playing tag as a kid - which was easier? Shoving another player forward or grabbing them and pulling them back. Try having one of her pursuers grab her at the elbow or even the ankle if you really want her to fall.

Your last paragraph is confusing as well. The character had been so coherent before, and then suddenly drops away into not knowing anything about what is around her. The transition between the two states of mind is too quick. Also the paragraph seems to contradict itself... we are told that she drifts in and out of sleep for a long time... then that she can't sleep until almost morning.

Remember to check your grammar, spelling and formatting to make sure it is as easy to read as possible. The clearer the language and the pargraph spacing, the more likely someone is to be able to focus on your story and really enjoy the tale you spin. :)
Last edited by Duskglimmer on Mon Apr 19, 2010 12:34 am, edited 1 time in total.
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
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Great job on this!

The buildings were tall and narrow on either side of me and it was drizzling lightly, the moisture soaking into my woollen cape, making it heavy and damp.

Woollen- woolen

This sentence stood out to me because it felt so long. Try breaking it up into separate sentences. “Tall, narrow buildings loomed over both sides of me. The cold, driving rain pelted my woolen cape, making it heavy and damp.” Just find a way to break it up, because when you read it, it drags.

I didn’t notice any other major mistakes. I really enjoyed it! I would really love to see you continue this story, and if you need any motivation, PM me whenever you post more and I’ll read them :D
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk



Believe only half of what you see, and nothing that you hear.
— Edgar Allan Poe