Hungry

A hunger felt by no man, I feel for you each day.
Like a ghost, my brain evaporated into grey smoke
along with the ropes that bound me to this world.

I was trapped in your inferno.
A cage of ice I dare not smash, into a thousand pieces
like the remnants of my cold heart.
I am just half a human, with half a brain it seems as well!

I try to speak but words I long to say die before they leave my lips.
The music to my ears, my sacred hymn, my favorite song.
My heart falls apart beat by beat.

I am lying here now.
I can feel the slow decay, the worms of your ignorance
wriggling about my heart, eating it out
slowly.

My body is a machine.
Programmed for pleasure. A computer no one else could operate.
Like a surgeon, take out what is bad, but leave me hollow?
Due to your absence, wandering hands may do the trick.

You lie beside me, covered in gold like the sun.
Your smile draws from me a single tear.
I catch my breath, but it already escapes, forming a dark shape
as I whisper the immortal words...

"I am in love with you".

Terrific poetry! Something fresh indeed, a dark twist on a love poem. Please excuse me I'm going to try out a new format for reviewing your poem.

+ I absolutely love your metaphors/similes and truly expressive imagery.
+ The free verse felt very true to the subject and really made the monologue more human.
+ You had a lot of great moments in this poem, "I try to speak but words I long to say die before they leave my lips. / The music to my ears, my sacred hymn, my favorite song. / My heart falls apart beat by beat.
+ The end really put the nail in the coffin in a good way! It was partly a revelation since the theme of love is not totally blatant and remains subtle until the last stanzas.

My body is a machine.
Programmed for pleasure. A computer only you could operate.
Due to your absence, wandering hands may do the trick.

#FF0000 ">- I can see how this stanza is in tune with the subject, but conceptually it travels off course a bit and may seem random when read the first time through.
- The bold lines (sorry) are verging on a pick up line. Every time I read through it that line seemed corny and not as well said as your previous stanzas. Revise this stanza though because I love where your going with it.


All said and done your poem is very well written and polished. I enjoyed reading it and look forward to seeing more.

This poem has some wonderful lines in it, and your use of simile is absolutely astounding.

My favorite lines were:

I try to speak but words I long to say die before they leave my lips.

My body is a machine.
Programmed for pleasure. A computer no one else could operate.

Due to your absence, wandering hands may do the trick.

My only negative criticism is that you should try to make your lines connect more. Right now they are disjointed, although they do lead onto each other in a logical, stream-of-consciousness way. You should try playing around with the order, put the "I love you," quotation somewhere in the middle, etc.

These are great beginnings. Keep writing!

-Ina