Clay

This is something i wrote when I was bored. It doesn't really have a purpose just something that came to me one morning. Let me know what you think
__________________________________________________________________________________________

What very few people realize is that our lives are like clay. When dried and dropped it shatters, but when it is not dropped it is stronger than anything you would have thought. It is molded to fit an idea and if not the right shape, disregarded. It can be painted over but the cracks just below the surface remain. The beautiful and the ugly are in clay. In the beginning it the murkiest gray but as it is shaped and dried and painted, in the best hands it will be beautiful.
I take the most out of life through art. I paint it, I capture it through photos, I sing to it, I dance on it, I write of what it is and is not. I dream of the sun and the moon being one. I dream of the stars and the streets being together. My insane way of life is what keeps me so alive. I send wishes to the water and sorrows to the sky.
It felt like any other day. The grayest of grays laid itself out before me. I greeted it like a yellow. It was warm. I knew today would be the best day ever because of the great start I was off to. I closed my eyes and spun around three times. I stopped with my index finger and pointed at my blue scarf that was draped on my vanity mirror. I took it and paired it with a blue blouse with white flowers around the colar, and my navy blue jeans. I slipped on some blue flats and bent over. When I stood back up my red springy hair laid itself behind me. I left my hair down. I turned on my radio and danced to an unknown song.
I opened the fridge and took out some eggs. I hummed a little tune in my head. While the eggs cooked I painted. I was working on a painting called “Nothing”. It was a picture of literally nothing. It was a ball of clay on a sheet of paper being molded into nothing. The reality and truth of the picture was that it showed that there was something. It was a picture of life through a artists eyes. That nothing is always something and that something can be nothing at all. I smelled the eggs burning so I abandoned my painting. I set my charred eggs on the dinning room table.
In the middle of the table was a sculpture. It was line on top of a line that was on top of another line. It represented the social status of people. That there is no top our bottom of the food chain; nothing ever really dominates. I finished my eggs while I reread a song I was working on. My songs were my private work. Everything else was out to share. I took out a journal that was cover in moons and stars. It was my dream journal. I opened it and jotted down my dream from the previous night.
"Don’t worry I am here. I am waiting for you to see me. I am here I can’t wait to see you. Don’t worry I am here, I know all about you. Don’t worry I am here. I care for you. The voice you hear is me. The person you seek is gone. Red roses are really white with bloodshed and white rosees aren’t clean they are ugly blossoms. Dreading this thing you seek will only make you weak. Crying for him wont make it better. I hope you know that I am here. I always have been. Have you seen me. I am all around you. Let me in. Let me be there. Let me care for you. I see the way it is. Well if you aren’t going to let me in I will wait… and wait…. I will always be waiting. Please open up and let me in."
The entry was by far the hardest thing to write. It scared me into thinking the voice was right. I have had many conversations with the voice. We talked about the weather. We talked about the world. I never talked about me or who I was. I didn’t talk about my family who hated me because I live my life with freedom. I don’t ever talk of the real world I talk of my dream world and the things in it. I want to know what the voice looks like but I am afraid if I let it in, it will never get out.
I clean up form breakfast and grab my blue coat. I greet the California fog like the best friend that I never knew.

rough start but it was needed and the second paragraph kept me reading.
overall, not really my thing but it held my interest which is ment to be a compliment.
only criticism is that you switch from really flowing diction in a childlike sentence, which i liked, to more what just any kid would say. stick to one or the other.

I very much agree with abake's criticism. The first couple paragraphs I read through were all right. Your words and sentence structure were interesting enough, though I didn't really see where you were going with the comparison between life and clay. It just didn't ring true and felt pretty contrived.

When dried and dropped it shatters,

Yeah, what? Our lives can be dried and dropped?

It is molded to fit an idea and if not the right shape, disregarded

This sentence confuses me. "If [the idea] not the right shape" maybe? Or "If [our lives] are not the right shape"?

In the beginning it the murkiest gray

What?

In the beginning it the murkiest gray but as it is shaped and dried and painted, in the best hands it will be beautiful.

Use commas, sentence breaks, etc as necessary. "In the beginning, it's (?) the murkiest gray. But as it is shaped, dried, and painted, in the best hands, it will be beautiful."

I take the most out of life through art.

What? That sentence makes no sense.

I greeted it like a yellow

What? This also makes no sense. I think I know what you're trying to say, but you'll have to be more descriptive than that.

I knew today would be the best day ever

Very elementary phrasing.

I closed my eyes and spun around three times

Need we know exactly how many times you spun around?

I took it and paired it with a blue blouse with white flowers around the colar, and my navy blue jeans.

Collar. Unnecessary comma. Read up on the usage of commas. Here, the proper usage would only be between two complete sentences coupled with "and" or "but" etc..

That was about as far as I made it before I lost interest. The reason being the unimaginative, short, choppy, boring sentences you fell into. Writing is just as much about aesthetics as it is about content. The words you chose were plain, and the sentences were rarely over 10 words. Practically every sentence read
"[Subject] [Verb]ed [Direct object]" "[Subject] [Verb]ed [Direct object]" "[Subject] [Verb]ed [Direct object]"
Nothing more, nothing less.
"I opened the fridge." "I hummed a tune." "I worked on a painting." "It was a picture of nothing" (By the way, it was not literally of nothing as there was something on the canvas. Literally implies the word-for-word truth without any inferred/colloquial meaning. i.e. "I literally fell apart" means the narrator's body broke into pieces and scattered on the ground in little bits of arms, legs, fingers, and hair). "I smelled the eggs" "I set them down." "There was a sculpture." "It represented social status." "I finished my eggs." "My songs were private." "Others were shared." "I took out a journal." "It was a dream journal." "I opened it and wrote."

...You see what I mean? Because of it, I glazed over and skimmed the rest. Something about wanting to be something to someone and admitting it to herself is difficult. I dunno, really.

Thank you very much for the review. I am sorry that you did not like it sargsauce. As for your quotes i have some answers or I guess arguments. Before I start on that i would like to let you know why my senteces were choppy. I had reacently read a book like that not the plot or the characters, but the style. I wanted to give it a try. So far i can tell it is not my fortay. Now as for the senteces you picked at. Your first qoute is my refernce to our heart. No, not the blood pumping heart, but our love heart. It was about how when we fall for something that doesnt want us or hurts us we tend to break down. The second qoute is more on the social standards. Like how in order to be a model every one thinks you must be skiny. (Not always the case though) It was more about how if someone doesnt think your beautiful you are not worthy. The third qoute. I guess i probably should have put the clay but it tends to be true that in life the beginning of everything is so vauge. Number 4 sorry about such little comma use gramatical error. As for the Fifth qoute, it was meant to mean that she loves any type of art and she likes to look for life in art too. Qoute six is my opinion of the color yellow. I think it is a warm color. I porsonaly like the elementery phrase I used. It adds a more childlike view of to her point of view. I dont think it matters whether or not we know how many times she spun around but i thought it would be cool to add it in. As for you last pick, Once again gramatical error. I apprecitate your opinion.

Your first qoute is my refernce to our heart. No, not the blood pumping heart, but our love heart. It was about how when we fall for something that doesnt want us or hurts us we tend to break down

Well, I figured that much. But what I meant was there are some generally accepted metaphors. We can be "dropped," okay, that makes sense as rejection. But "dried"? There is no precedent for drying as a human being and so the metaphor weakens.

And as for the rest: I hope you don't just stop at an explanation, because I could extrapolate a general idea of what you meant while reading. What I meant is for you to actually say what you're trying to say. In literature, you can't get away with saying the bare minimum or leaving out critical parts of speech like you do in poetry. Your words have to convey what you're telling the reader and the grammar has to be correct on some level.

For example: "It is molded to fit an idea and if not the right shape, disregarded"
The second half of the sentence, you are unclear about what is supposed to be the right shape (the vague "it" or the "idea"). And "idea" is not an adequate word. When you say "idea," we don't think automatically social standard. There are numerous ways this could be interpreted (developing an outlook on life and rebelling against the norm, developing and being rejected, forming a personality like the hands of a clay shaper (in a good way or a bad way), working towards a goal and failing, etc).

Thanks. I get what you are saying. The only arguement i have to make is that I left out some information on purpose. I left the info out so the reader can determine what "it" is. That is all i have to say thanks for the imput