Mouse Traps and Love Lines

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The best night of my life was one of the most average, and strangest nights ever. Like all my best stories it took place at camp. It was my night off and James, Allie, Justin, Kristen, Emily, Colin, and I were in the staff lounge.
As usual James was being a goof. He was playing with a mouse trap. I was paying no real attention to it; I was at the bottom of a bin of gummy worms – we don’t get to have candy in front of the campers, so we eat it on our nights off – and then I heard James scream. Everyone one looked and began to laugh hysterically. He had the mouse trap trigger on his nose.
It was one of those laughs where it’s late and once you start you just can’t stop. I had finished the gummy worms with Justin’s help, so I moved my attention to my i pod; I plugged in and started to listen to Better Things by Passion Pit. It was only 9:00 and I had ‘till midnight to kill and I’d rather not go back to my cabin just yet.
As I let out a loud sigh as if telling destiny: “kill me or give me something to do.” My good friend Alyssa walked in. As always she grabbed me and dragged me to the kitchen.
We always spend our nights off together I’ve known her since I was 11. I grabbed my two gigantic bottles of coke from the fridge and two glasses. She made popcorn. We went to our usual place – the canoe docks. We loved it because it’s the best spot on sight to star gaze.
We talked for hours as always. Sharing counsellor tips, tricks, and secrets. We always reminisce of our camping years together. She also teaches me about stars, a lot! But strangely that night we didn’t. Our minds were somewhere else, on our future. And our past.
The present seems so trivial to us. She told me she wasn’t applying back next summer she’s going to University. It definitely depressed us, so I told her she had to keep in touch or else we’d have some very angry words. I didn’t know it then but that was the beginning of my camp life’s unravelling. Then she told me something I’ll never forget. She said I was like a brother to her, and that she’ll always keep in touch.
Then she had to go because it was 11:50 and her cabin was a 13 minute walk away. Mine was a three minute sprint so I stayed and watched the stars. I’ll never forget that night: all the stars and our last canoe dock chat forever.
ATreeah was here




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I welcome allcritiques but I was wondering if all of you could keep it refined and kind because this is a close peice and it is very sentamental thank you very much :D
ATreeah was here




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That's so sweet :)

I can't really pick out anything wrong with the piece. It's quite wonderful, the only thing I'd suggest is to add a bit more description to drag your reader in a bit more. Was the staff lounge bright or dimly lit? Was it a stone room or a log cabin? Think back to anything that stood out at the time, and throw it in there.

Another minor tip: Add your comments onto the end of the piece, not as a separate comment. That way if nobody replies you'll still be in the 'works with 0 reviews' catagory, and someone will get round to it.

This is good, keep it up :)
-Ten
We were born to be amazing.




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well written I like your piece b/c it stays in onne place and doesn't have you all over the place losing the spot or trying to figure out who is who. If you have the time and I know this is going to sound selfesh of me but can you take a peek at my pieces I could really use the critique. Thank you. Oh and the part about the mouse trap was pretty funny. :D



We always talk about the "doers" and "dreamers" but I'd like to give a big shoutout to the "tryers".
— Hannah Hart