The Seperation 1/2 of chap 1

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The sun shone down warmly on a quiet summer’s day. The only presence in the silent streets was a fat tabby cat lying in a flowerbed, basking in the sunlight in amongst some tulips. The cat stood up and lazily stretched its legs, then abruptly darted away as a boy came hurtling around the corner and along the footpath.

Sean Clark raced down the street, his oversized shirt flying behind him like a cape. “Lilly!” he screamed, running a sweaty hand through his shaggy brown hair to shift it from his eyes.
“Sean?” a thirteen year old girl appeared from out of a quaint old green Queenslander, her long blonde hair swinging in her face.
“Lilly,” Sean was gasping for air as he took the steps two at a time and threw his arms around Lilly’s waist. Tears stung in his brown eyes as he looked up at her, his lips quivering.
“What’s wrong, Sean?” Lilly raked her fingers through his hair, trying to soothe him. “Whatever it is, we can deal.”
“No, we can’t, Lil,” the ten year old’s voice hitched in the middle as a sob escaped him. “They’re taking you away!”

Four words. That was all it took to make her die inside. Like mountains of rock crumbling and crashing down, her spirit was broken. She wouldn’t live through being separated from her brother. They weren’t blood related, but their connection was bone deep. They didn’t hate each other like real brothers and sisters did, but they loved each other like real ones did. It’s not that they wouldn’t be separated, just that they couldn’t.

Later that night, Lilly sat in the lounge room with her foster family and her social worker. Sean sat with his arms folded tightly across his chest, a scowl carved permanently into his brow. He stared unseeingly at the coffee table, refusing to say a word.

“There are people claiming to be you’re auntie and uncle,” the social worker told Lilly. “They want to adopt you.”
“No!” Lilly cried. “I want to stay here. I don’t know them, they could be pedophiles!”
“We’ve ran a background check and they seem like lovely people. Since they are blood relatives, they have more of a claim to you than the Clark’s. I can’t stop them from adopting you, and the Clark’s have expressed that they no longer wish to foster you-”
“What? Why!”
Mr. Clark looked away uncomfortably. He was the nice one, he’d always liked Lilly. Even when she went from being a cute kid to a hormonal teenager, he liked her. That was when Mrs. Clark stopped liking her. “You’re a bad influence on Sean,” she snapped,
Sean jumped to his feet. “No she isn’t!” he screamed. “She’s a great sister! I want her to stay, she always helps me with my problems even when you won’t!” that was directed at Mrs. Clark, who thought she had no time for dealing with childish matters.
“See,” Mrs. Clark said smugly. “Before Lilly came he would never yell at me.”
Sean was about to yell some more but Lilly was about to speak also and Sean waited, hoping she’d say something to save the day, just like she always did. “Sean, please go to your room,” she said quietly, fighting back tears.
Sean opened his mouth then closed it, like a fish silently gasping for air. “I hate you, all of you,” he growled, then dashed outside and into the night.
“Sean, you get back here right now!” Mrs. Clark screamed.
“Leave him honey,” Mr. Clark patted his wife’s hand and she rolled her eyes childishly and turned back to the social worker.
“When’s the soonest you can take her? We wouldn’t want to prolong the separation.”
“Of course not. Um… I think the Johnsons can take her next Friday.”
One week. Lilly had one week to say goodbye to her friends, her brother…
“I’ll still be able to visit, right?” Lilly asked.
The social worker put on a sympathetic face. “Your auntie and uncle live in Tasmania, darl.”
Lilly nodded, like she completely understood why in six days she’d be leaving and never coming back.




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Hello Randomer!

Okay, this was very good. There were barely any grammatical errors. I like some of the characters, while others don't make as much sense to me. Here are some little nitpicks that I would like to point out:

Mr. Clark looked away uncomfortably. He was the nice one, he’d always liked Lilly. Even when she went from being a cute kid to a hormonal teenager, he liked her. That was when Mrs. Clark stopped liking her.


I quite personally do not think this is a good reason to give away an adopted child. If Mrs. Clark was so cold hearted, one would think that she disliked her own son as well. Perhaps give her character a little more motive.

They didn’t hate each other like real brothers and sisters did, but they loved each other like real ones did.


I personally love every single one of my brothers and sisters, so I don't think this is a very good line to relate to your audience. The flow is off as well.

Four words. That was all it took to make her die inside. Like mountains of rock crumbling and crashing down, her spirit was broken. She wouldn’t live through being separated from her brother. They weren’t blood related, but their connection was bone deep.


I like this little paragraph a lot!

OVERALL

Excellent work! I liked it a lot so far. The characters were nice and enjoyed it. I have noticed that you haven't gotten many reviews. I don't get a whole lot either, but the more you review the more reviews you'll get.

Keep up the good work!

Esther Sylvester
It's writing prompt week on my blog a very random pickle!:
http://veryrandompickle.blogspot.com/




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I really enjoyed this - I'll look out for the next part.
This may not make much sense, but I felt like you were describing them as what you could see, and then you mention their ages. It didn't really fit for me. Maybe you could slip that in somewhere else?
I agree with Esther about this paragraph:
Four words. That was all it took to make her die inside. Like mountains of rock crumbling and crashing down, her spirit was broken. She wouldn’t live through being separated from her brother. They weren’t blood related, but their connection was bone deep.

Especially the last sentence.
I felt like your description was good in the first paragraph - I could really see the children. But in the conversation with the social worker, I couldn't visualise the adults.
I hope some of this helps!
Sophie
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