Everything

The air is cool, hanging in sheets over a quiet field, doing well in hiding your carefully positioned body. There is a shout in the distance, a crack even farther down, and a lark calls somewhere in the trees.

Your heart is thumping into the soft earth and you can almost feel the Earth thumping back. Hysterical sobs can be heard from a distance, rising from yellow-green bushes and technicolor leaves.

A sudden flash engulfs the field, a sphere of white light and noise. The wind halts abruptly; the leaves seem to have frozen in a graceful dance pose; and suddenly, you can feel every blade of grass beneath your body, every particle of soil, invading upon your thoughts and your senses, so that your mind can think of nothing else.

Everything is silent. Everything is still.

Your heart feels lighter; your head is cleared from all worry; and for some inexplicable reason, everything feels right. A moment of clarity, pure absolution like no other. The universe is in perfect alignment with the stars in your eyes, rid of all emotions other than joy. You are in a place where love is law and language. And you know: this is gravity in reverse. This is God. The universe is perfect.

This is everything.

And everything is silent, everything is still.

Everything is dead.

A bullet whizzes through the air, shattering perfection, putting a halt to joy, love, and the sobs in the distance.

And you know you're alone now, your entire world shattered from a bullet made from somewhere in Germany. Your helmet is heavy against your head, reminding you precisely where you are: hell.

Everything is gone except for the soft murmuring of your heart.



*note* I've always wondered what life in the battlefield was like. Hence this very short piece I wrote a few weeks ago. This is my first submission on this site by the way

It's really good, you should keep going. You use a great amount of detail and I don't really have anything to nitpick at. Good work!!! PM me if you add any more!
~ Bri

It hooks me as soon as I read the first line. The intensity, the drama, the mystery is heightened by the use of 'you.' HOwever, the beginning would benefit from less pretty-poetic and more dark-poetic description. I don't think the line 'Earth thumping back' works as well, actually, although it would definitely belong in a poem. The first three paras actually make war seem...beautiful, pretty, something we should relish. Was this the effect you were going for?

'Everything is silent. Everything is still.' --> This line did not work for me. It did not heighten any sense of drama you had already created. It did not make me feel anything. I wouldn't have it at all, actually; your first three paragraphs function just fine without it.

I do not understand why everything feels 'right' for a split second in the middle of war - I would think it terribly wrong, and in some PARADOXICAL way, the total 'wrongness' is the right way for it to feel. What I do understand is the idea that the universe is in alignment with the stars - which actually encapsulates that same idea. Hence, I would rewrite that line so it is less direct, and so it ties in with this paradox you have created. As a science student 'gravity in reverse' just sounds totally off. And the last two lines in that para seem unnecessary, when you have so succintly summed it up before.

I definitely think that:

This is everything.

And everything is silent, everything is still.

Everything is dead.

A bullet whizzes through the air, shattering perfection, putting a halt to joy, love, and the sobs in the distance.

The three lines before the last ARE needed - just not in that form. It seems like you are trying a little too hard to create atmosphere. A word of advice: you have ALREADY done a fantastic job of creating it, so why go overboard? Replace them with something different, because I think we DO need a break between that 'moment of perfection' and that 'breaking of the moment.'

Usually, I jump excitedly when the writer tells me where they are, and who they are. When you mentioned that you are in Germany, it sounded almost too...predictable. Cliche. Research on the net other wars - I'm sure you'll find countless others. For some reason, even then, I don't think that that nugget of information belongs in the story, although the story is not complete without it. Maybe a bit of a compromise? Maybe something like: 'Germany, 14 July, World War Two,' - except replace the Germany with another country - and have this at the very top of your story? Have a play around with it.

The ending, I felt, was weak as compared to the beginning, which is tight and coiled and coherently put together. It rung no bells for me; no sudden burst of enlightenment. I reckon this story could do with a few more paras...or pages Definitely well-written, and I want to see where it will ultimately end up, and where it started, if you're up for a flashback. Put some more guts into it.

PM me when you have done a rewrite, or if there is anything else you would like me to look through. You are a strong writer, and I'd be more than happy to read the rest of your pieces.

This is an amazing piece, i actually imagined the scene in Saving Private Ryan, when the guy gets shell shocked on pearl harbor. This small section of writing creates a most amazing image in my head, and i can feel the bliss that you describe the soldier feeling. Im not gonna write a long review, as Navita has said everything that is to be said

this is only a personal preference, but at the beginning where you describe the cool air, like sheets in the air, i dont think this works well. Sound's a bit like you were just TRYING to make a metaphor, not it being as if it just sprung up, and explained it perfectly.

But still, well done I love it!

Navita wrote:Usually, I jump excitedly when the writer tells me where they are, and who they are. When you mentioned that you are in Germany, it sounded almost too...predictable. Cliche. Research on the net other wars - I'm sure you'll find countless others.

Hm. I actually didn't mean to say they are in Germany, or meant to make any sort of association with the war being there. I kind of wanted a feeling of smallnes/insignificance; therefore, I associated the bullet, a small weapon of destruction, as being created from somewhere far away, where no one even knows you exist. I should probably have used a different country, but that was the only one that came to mind.

Just felt like clearing that up, but other than that: thanks for the feedback, guys Definitely helpful.