Collections

It probably won't make much sense to you. Again, not about suicide. It's not a goodbye, more of a memories. If you care enough to ask, I will gladly explain.

Paper scraps, tatteredand ripped by
The vicious attacks of
Skeletons in my closet.
Supposed to decay, held in by my back... Trying to keep them OUT...
Thrown away the key. Fetched by the dog curled at my feet.
Chewing it's bone happily. Rekaxing...
My coffin is built by
remorseful sticks, bleached by the sun.
Fingernails on the floor, wishing to
SCRATCH SCRATCH against
the pale skin and flesh of my face.
Maybe, gently, I sleep soft and die,
or, BLEEDING MAROON DEATH,
Screaming and wishing,
IT
WOULD
ALL
GO
AWAY!
A me, that should have been?
Time is ticking.
FIND ME,
Before...
Rocking chairs
Fruitcakes
Daytime television.

"It probably won't make much sense to you. Again, not about suicide. It's not a goodbye, more of a memories. If you care enough to ask, I will gladly explain." I know this wasn't a part of the poem, but to be honest with you it fit quite well.
The poem's a little morbid...I believe some of it may have been a little unecessary but I understand where you're coming from. The beginning was good, the middle seemed more like jibber-jabber and the ending was okay, but I feel it could have been different. Overall, it's a dramatic poem about pain and insome ways, you had portrayed it well.

Chevy's Critiquing Scale
far left colon - not so great
far right colon - excellent
Title ..... | - - : - -|
Flow ..... | - : - - -|
Creativity ..... | : - - - -|
Imagery ..... | - - : - -|
Vocabulary ..... | - : - - -|
Consistency ..... | - - - : -|
Meaning ..... | - - : - -|
Ending ..... | - - : - -|
Overall ..... | - : - - -|

I did not understand but I still liked it.

heh heh, cool. does it make sense to you, or is it just ramblings of complete and utter randomness?

Hm. I personally am not a fan of the morbid, "I hate my life" kind of poetry (I'm not a fan of poetry, in general), so I guess my critique of this will be incredibly biased. Still, I can understand that writing to vent, to put anger and frustration into words is important--so thought I'm not a fan, I can still respect the emotional value this poem holds for you.

Speaking from a critical point, however, I've seen a bunch of stuff like this. Sharing the same general idea with other poets isn't necessarily bad but, I'm looking for something different about your poetry that will set it apart from the norm, you know? And anyhow, what writer hasn't used the standard emo expressions such as a "bleeding marroon death"?

The ending, I suppose, is what disappointed me most. The ending line should be the most profound, something that closes and completes the poem for the reason. A connection between fruitcake and daytime television to the rest would be helpful.


Otherwise, I do see potential here. You can write, that much is obvious. The thing to do now is to develop that and mature it so that it isn't just anger and self-loathing on a page. Save that for your own personal writing, and publish what will hold universality and meaning for the reader.

Good luck.