Rain, Summer,and Ice Cream: Chapter One

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Um... so this is my first story, so no bashing! But if there's any grammatical errors, or if I mess up my tenses, let me know. On to the story!
Meep meep. Meep meep. Mee-

"Shut. Up." I growled at my iHome, flipping over to face it. I swatted the Alarm Reset button impatiently, ready to catch another half hour or so of blissful sleep. As I sank back into my bed, I caught a glimpse of the date. June 2nd. There was a moment of thought as I searched my mind for the significance of the date, and then: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yeeesss! I tried to leap out of bed, like they do in the books. In the books, however, they do not remind you to remove the comforter from your body first. Nor do they say that landing on the hardwood floor in a heap, with your body entangled within a fluffy comforter, is rather painful.

Note to self: Think before you leap. I snickered at my thought's cheesiness, then detached myself from my comforter and scrambled to the closet just outside of my room. I swung the door open smoothly, grabbed the pile of clothes in the third compartment of the hanging organizer, and swiftly reentered my bedroom. I tossed the comforter back onto the bed and changed into my preselected outfit. I grinned; black skinny jeans, neon purple socks, and a black based Gryffindor tee were an absolutely perfect outfit- to me, at least. All the black made my mom think that I was going goth. (My much changed taste kind of scared my mom.)

I slipped my feet into my weathered-and-worn purple low-tops, fiddling with the laces for a bit. I straightened out my bed and walked to the kitchen, grabbing a chocolate toaster pastry. My eighteen year old sister Lily half-stumbled in sleepily, her corkscrew curls frizzed up.

"Last day of school," she yawned. I smiled. She did too, then walked into the wall. "Ow," she said blankly-she was even less of a morning person than I was. I smiled again and headed past her to my room. I basically texted and IM'd the few friends I had that were awake until seven, when my mom called, "Codianna! Let's go!" from the living room.

"Gimme a sec!" I yelled back, shoving my iPod into my pocket. I shouldered my backpack, barely noticing the pressure. Middle school does that to a person. It was a cheerful ride to school, what with the Message, the only Christian radio station I listened to, playing each and every good Christian hard rock song I knew. How awesomely coincidental is that? We pulled up to Bern Middle School- a long, white building with blue on the edges and coverings for the sidewalk.

Throngs of teenagers, most dressed with questionable taste, swarmed the sidewalk, all chattering incessantly. Following a tradition I had set months ago, I said, "Live long and prosper!" just before I left, to which my mother replied, "May the force be with you!" I climbed out of the car and jogged to catch up to my best friend Rose, who looked ready to burst with joy. Her mocha skin was practically glowing, her black hair loose over her shoulders.

"Did you bring your iPod?" I asked her as we crossed the threshold into the Front Foyer, as I called it. We usually crossed through here or the lobby on the way out of after school rehearsals.

"Yup," she answered, flashing the radiant blue device.

"Me too. " I grinned, tugging my saturated purple one up for show. As we strode down the Far West Hall (again, a name I created), our absolutely hilarious friend Nero winked at Rose, who blushed to a shade worthy of her namesake. We chatted quite a bit in the forty five seconds to a minute it took to get to my locker, where we parted. I quickly slid items into my locker, dropping the ones I had to use immediately on the gray tile floor. After finishing the daily task, I shut my locker, grabbed my books, and hurried off to first period.

Somewhere along the hall, someone called, "Wow, Campbell! Looking good!" I whipped around, expecting it to be an idiot from theater, in which case I would feel perfectly fine smacking or slapping the idiot upside the head. Instead, I found myself facing Seth Fletcher, the only guy I would ever consider as a best friend, who I would have felt perfectly fine smacking or slapping upside the head in any other situation. In this one however, I found myself unable to make my hand make contact with his head. I refused to blanch entirely; though I felt myself take a step back.

With no witty comeback in my arsenal, I shouted (for the din of over excited preteens allowed nothing else), "Thanks!" and ran the remaining ten steps to Mr. Anderson's room.

"Well, someone's in a rush," Nadia said, slightly sardonically. She was sarcastic, tough, abrasive, cold, violent, harsh, slightly reserved, and occasionally flat out mean- and she was one of my two best friends. Her olive skin was etched lightly with scars where she had been hurt on the field, or gym, I suppose. She was controlled enough to not start a fight, but that didn't stop her from poking, tripping, and performing other miscellaneous hurtful actions. I noticed the black wire trailing down from her ear into the silver and black swirled iPod. I grinned as I heard a snatch of the hard-hitting Korean rock she loved so much.

I pushed my books onto the desktop and hastily unwound the Skullcandy earbuds from around the body of my iPod. I jammed the buds into my ears, playing whatever song had been playing last. Turns out, it was a Three Days Grace song, prompting me to glance at the door to ensure Mr. Anderson wasn't coming, take off my necklace, and flip my hair back and forth in the most head banging-ly way possible. Both Nadia and Rose had cameras trained on me, neither removing their own earbuds.

Somehow, I managed to swing my head back with enough force to actually throw me down on the carpet. The students who had been watching exploded with laughter, myself included. I was still giggling when Mr. Anderson peered down at me, not angry, but... miffed.

Of course, Tatianna Gomez chose that exact moment to fall out of her seat with a "Whoa!" I pulled myself into my seat. This was going to be a very strange day...
Last edited by NinjaCookieMonster on Wed May 19, 2010 2:24 am, edited 3 times in total.
hey, Jude, don't make it bad
take a sad song and make it better
remember to let it into your heart
then you can start
to make it better.

~make books, not war~

"Not vampires, fish from space."




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Wow this is really good! You should seperate it into paragraphs but who cares! Greta Job!!! :D
I spy!




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Yeah, I'm REAAALLY bad with paragraphing, but I'll work on it. Thanks!
Last edited by NinjaCookieMonster on Sun Feb 20, 2011 11:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
hey, Jude, don't make it bad
take a sad song and make it better
remember to let it into your heart
then you can start
to make it better.

~make books, not war~

"Not vampires, fish from space."




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This looks like a good story. The only thing I would like to comment on is first: paragraphs. When all of your story is in one big chunk, it makes it hard for people to concentrate. I kept getting lost. Remember, there's a new paragraph every time someone new speaks. Keep writing!




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Aghhh!!! It's a reviewer's nightmare to come across a piece like this with one block of text (as the others already pointed out). Please fix soon, 'kay? :wink:
But even though this was one thick block of text...
KD read it anyways, and loved it! The first few sentences made me want to read more so badly that I didn't care about the paragraph format, which says a lot. Here's my review for you.

Things I Like/Things You Did Well On:

-Narrator's voice. Very entertaining. Great job!
-Nice title.
-Overall, this is very well written. Hardly any grammar, spelling, and cap. problems.


Things I Didn't Like/Things You Need to Improve On:


-Paragraph organization, as pointed out in the beginning.
-This is just my opinion, but I think there is way too many exclamation marks in this piece. Generally people only use one exclamation point to express excitement, etc., and more than one seems...unneeded to me. If you already have someone shouting something in all caps and with already one exclamation point at the end, I feel that you don't need another to show ( as I said ) the person's excitement. But that can be part of your writing style, so it really isn't anything you need to change.
-Quite a few hyphen problems here, but that's mainly it.


ninjacookiemonster wrote:I swatted the Alarm Reset button impatiently, ready to catch another half hour or so of blissful sleep.
Don't capitalize 'alarm reset'.

ninjacookiemonster wrote:I tried to leap out of bed, like they do in the books. In the books, however, they do not remind you to remove the comforter from your body first. Nor do they say that landing on the hardwood floor in a heap, with your body entangled within a fluffy comforter, is rather painful. Note to self: Think before you leap.
I like this whole part. Very funny! It gives the narrator's voice personality.

ninjacookiemonster wrote:I grinned; black skinny jeans, neon purple socks, and a black based Gryffindor tee were absolutely perfect- to me, at least.
You should say 'I grinned; black skinny jeans, neon purple socks, and a black based Gryffindor tee were an absolutely perfect outfit. To me, at least.' (Bold font only used for correcting.)

ninjacookiemonster wrote:I slipped my feet into my weathered-and-worn purple low-tops, fiddling with the laces for a bit.
You don't need any of those hyphens.

ninjacookiemonster wrote:My eighteen year old sister Lily half-stumbled in sleepily, her corkscrew curls frizzed up.
Shouldn't be a hyphen here.

ninjacookiemonster wrote:"Ow," she said blankly-she was even less of a morning person than I was.
Replace the hyphen with a period, or semi colon.

ninjacookiemonster wrote:It was a cheerful ride to school, what with the Message playing each and every good Christian hard rock song I knew.
Is 'The Message' a radio station? It isn't obvious, you should point it out. And if it is, capitalize the 'the'.

ninjacookiemonster wrote:How awesomely coincidental is THAT?!
Again, this is just an opinion: I wouldn't use the exclamation point at the end. Generally it's used in comic books. But if it's part of your style, once again, it's another story.

ninjacookiemonster wrote:We pulled up to Bern Middle School- a long, white building with blue accents.
'Blue accents'? I think I know what you mean, but please explain more.

ninjacookiemonster wrote:our absolutely hilarious friend Nero winked at Rose, who blushed to a shade worthy of her namesake.
Very clever way to say that she's blushing. Like it.

ninjacookiemonster wrote:I quickly slid items into my locker, saving some and dropping them on the tile.
'Saving some and dropping them on the tile'? Huh? What is 'the tile'?

ninjacookiemonster wrote:I whipped around, expecting it to be an idiot from Theater, in which case I would feel perfectly fine smacking or slapping said idiot upside the head.
Don't capitalize 'theater'. What is the 'said' doing there?


ninjacookiemonster wrote:I refused to blanch entirely-though I felt myself take a step back.
Replace hyphen with comma.

ninjacookiemonster wrote:Her olive skin was etched lightly with scars where she had been hurt on the field- or gym, I suppose.
Hmm, maybe an ellipse would work better here? I dunno.

ninjacookiemonster wrote:She was controlled enough not to start a fight, but that didn't stop her from poking, tripping, and performing other miscellaneous hurtful actions.
The 'to' should be before the 'not'.

ninjacookiemonster wrote:I jammed the buds into my ears, playing whatever song had been playing.
Should be 'had been playing last.'

ninjacookiemonster wrote:Of course, Tatianna Gomez chose that exact moment to fall out of her seat with a "Whoa!" I pulled myself into my seat. This was going to be a very strange day...
This is strange and confusing. I don't know if the last sentence quite works/is appropriate, but...

...overall, well done! Most of these nitpicks are minor. Hope I helped! Keep up the good work-

KD

PS Pssst...If you fix the paragraph format...there might be some 'Like' button clicking action going on... :wink:
Perfect things in life aren't things.
Spoiler
*_______*




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To Kaedee: This is going to sound wird (maybe), but THANK YOU! CRITICISM!
hey, Jude, don't make it bad
take a sad song and make it better
remember to let it into your heart
then you can start
to make it better.

~make books, not war~

"Not vampires, fish from space."




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Lol, no problem! Any time. :D
Perfect things in life aren't things.
Spoiler
*_______*




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I really don't think the paragraph thing needs to be repeated,
and I personally liked your exclamation marks just because I saw it as over expression of emotion which I thought fit the main character so it just built up on that.
other then that the best criticism I have to offer is why'd you make it so short? Very likable character I want to spend more time with her, keep this story going.




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Yay, finally a novel that's got my complete interest! The title made this irresistably tempting to read...and from the first couple of sentences I was hooked on your characters' personality. I think everybody already did a good job of picking on you (not saying that in a mean way--it's a reviewer's job, right?) so good job. :wink:
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket




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Wow, I'm glad I came across this. This is really good. You painted it so well I saw it like a movie, which can be difficuly for people to do. Even some published authors can't do that!

The only critisism I really have is that you do overuse exlimation points. But this is fine since your character is a very excited up-beat peron and I hadn't even noticed unitl i read other people's critiques.

Overall, let's just say I'm glad I read this.
Live, Love, Laugh




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Hey ninja :)
Here to review!!!

I've got to be honest, I'm not really going to point out any nit-picks. Kaedee has given you a really, really good review and has pointed out anything that I would have! I will mention what I liked, what I didn't like and what you need to improve on though!

Beginning with things I wasn't to keen on. Like others have pointed out, you do like them exclamation pints, don't you? Especially when people are speaking. Although your piece is very upbeat, an overuse of any specific grammar points can be annoying. For example -

I went to the park today; it was exciting and there was loads of things to do; like go on the slide. Jeff, Alice and I were the ones who went to the park; Linda didn't want to come. Jeff went on the slide; Alice went on the spinning wheel; I climbed on the climbing frame. Do you want to come to the park; it's fun!

Don't you just want to kill the next semi colon you see? It's the same with exclamation points; overuse them and they begin to get on people's nerves. Maybe you could tone down on the exclamation points a little bit? :wink:

I haven't really got anything negative to say now... :( Which is actually a really good thing, but it makes me sad! I'm really sorry that I haven't been very helpful!

Overall, I really liked the idea behind this and I love your writing style. I haven't got much else to say! Just keep writing! Please!

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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Ok, here to review as requested!

Now, a lot of what I was going to say has already been said. ;) So, here is what I have left:

What I liked:

The characterization was excellent. It's incredibly difficult to show that in first-person, but the MC had a very clear voice, so kudos.

You have no problem with the writing itself. There were a few typos (I think Kaedee got to them) but it is just so refreshing to see someone with a basic grasp of grammar. :)

What I didn't like:

Caps. It's the same as the exclamation point thing, really. You shouldn't need to capitalize something for us to know it's important, and besides, it starts to feel like you're screaming at the reader.

Conflict. This was my biggest problem when reading this. Stories are based on conflict; what the mc has to overcome to reach a goal. (But you already knew that...) Anyway, when there is no conflict for a long period of time, people start getting bored. I'm not saying I was, but for a long piece, in this case the first chapter of a novel, you need some way to hook your readers.

In your case, because this is more of a character driven than plot driven novel (I think)you don't need a huge action scene, but I have seen WAY too many book beginnings that show the MC getting out of bed in the morning. This may sound harsh, but it's boring. It may be an easy way to show character, but it has been done before.

In a nutshell:
Though I loved your characters and writing style so far, I would suggest starting at the first instance of conflict, when the story starts, and not here.

On to the next chapter!

See you around,

Lupis

P.S. Only forty nine to go! Thanks for helping me on my quest. :lol:



Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it.
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein