Deception--Chapter 1

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So this is a story I wrote last night, and I thought I'd post it so here we go. Please review and I'll give you...a...hippo! <-- Cannot resist the hippo now can you? :D

Chapter 1: Deception

Black hair swathed his dark red eyes, a small quirky smile pressed across his good looking face. He blinked at me, “What are you doing in my house!” I screamed loudly, fear coaxing my words and coiling around my beating heart.

I looked back over my shoulder hoping my Mother would come out of her bedroom wielding a gun or some sort of weapon that would scare this guy off. The boy closed his eyes and opened them slowly; the moon’s light catching on his long, elegant lashes.
He looked beautiful! I clenched my fists together when he wouldn’t answer. Opening my mouth to say something he stepped forward, too quickly for me to register. He pressed his long finger to my lips silencing me, the hairs on my neck stood on end at his warm touch.

He stepped back, bringing his hand up to his head he grinned. Winking he made his hand look like a gun, pressing his two fingers to his temple acting as if it were a barrel.
“What are you doing?” I asked shocked, my eyes searching his for an answer. He moved his hand into his mouth mechanically his eyes glazing over. I felt my shoulders tense and the world slow, straightening himself up he flicked his hair out of his eyes with one single movement.

“Bang.” He said softly, his voice sounding as if it had come from far away. I felt the coolness of his voice vanish as the sound of blood spraying against the wall passed over. The sight of the boy falling to the floor, his beautiful face marred with blood and destruction made my own blood run cold.
My heart caught in my chest and sobs began to grow into racking cries, jumping forward I hit the floor sliding through the blood which painted the carpet.

“No, no, no...” I cried loudly, my screams echoing down the hallway. My mother stumbled out her door scratching at her eyes groggily. Her hands flew to her pursed mouth when she saw the carnage. She rocked towards the wall her knees buckling from out under her. She fell with a thud, her beautiful blue eyes rolling back into her head.
I began to scream hysterically my heart faltering, this couldn’t be happening. He hadn’t even brandished a real gun! It had been his hand, his own real, alive hand! My sister rushed out of her room, the padding of her small feet was hidden under my loud cries.

“Brea!” She screamed. I looked up to see a shadow looming above me, I screamed out my heart racing. A hand grabbed at my own pulling me to my feet. I gasped; the boy pressed his face to mine his handsome features turning sinister. The blood and bone was gone; it was as if he hadn’t ever been shot.
“You will die!” He screamed in my face, his hysterical laughter ringing in my eyes.

Trying to get out of his grip I began to howl, kicking out in any direction.
“Calm down, young lady!” A voice snapped. I looked back to see the boy wasn’t holding me, instead it was an officer in a deep blue uniform. I looked down horrified at the dead body; a droplet of blood flecked my cheek.
I fell into the officers warm arms and began to scream, fear coiled around my lungs restricting my breath.

“It’s alright,” The officer cooed, smoothing my ruffled brown hair. “Everything will be fine. Rufus, get these people out here!” He added more hastily.
I felt thin hands take my elbow and begin to pull me towards the front door. The wide open frame showed a series of police cars and ambulances parked out on the front lawn. People screamed over the howling sirens as they saw me emerge.
“Your time will come Brea!” A haunting voice howled in my mind. My eyes widened in shock, I stopped mid step. “And when it does I’ll be there to drive the knife through your puny little heart!”
I spy!




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Hello Apple! I will be reviewing you today and you don't have to give me a elephant-er hippo if you review my work as well. (Nudge nudge wink wink)

First off I would like to say, "holy cow!", simply because I had simply not expected the story to go like that. Good job with the twist, I must say. However, did she just have a dream, or did this really all happen? The story so far is so fantastical that I am having difficulty knowing what is going on. Perhaps you should clarify on that a bit more.

Black hair swathed his dark red eyes, a small quirky smile pressed across his good looking face. He blinked at me, “What are you doing in my house!” I screamed loudly, fear coaxing my words and coiling around my beating heart.


Since you have such an obvious idea on how he looks, describe him to your readers rather than just saying ,"good looking face". Also, start a new paragraph every time a different person speaks. Put a period after, "He blinked at me".

Good job sweetie. This was solid. Looking forward to more.
Last edited by Esther Sylvester on Wed Apr 07, 2010 11:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
It's writing prompt week on my blog a very random pickle!:
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Heya Apple, my storybook buddy :wink: :lol:

Don't take my review too seriously, by the way. I'm terrible at reviewing. I thought I'd warn you. I have no idea what Esther meant with the whole elephant thing... but yeah... I need no elephant either 8)

Anywho! Onto the review. I completely agree with Esther on the twist in your story. It was seriously immense! The whole thing with the police caught me off guard, well done! I really love your use of descriptions, you use description very effectively.

Although, I do also have to agree with Esther on another thing. It was slightly confusing. Was the MC dreaming the first part? Or was she remembering something? Or what? It doesn't actually bother me too much though because I think that the mystery in it suits the piece. As long as you clear it up in the second chapter, that would be fine! :wink:

Black hair swathed his dark red eyes, a small quirky smile pressed across his good looking face. He blinked at me, “What are you doing in my house!” I screamed loudly, fear coaxing my words and coiling around my beating heart.

I loved your opening sentences! I especially liked the last one, fear coaxing my words and coiling around my beating heart. J'adore! Woop, I'm going all French on you 8)

Overall, as you can probably tell, I really liked this! You clearly have talent and there were no obvious grammar mistakes either! I'm not too good when it comes to grammar though...
I can't wait to read the next part!

Keep writing

xoxo Skins

Oh yeah, one more thing. That guy in your story seems like a really nice boy :smt001
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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I loved this, it was awsome *clicks LIKE button*. It was great and very much unexpected. Thanks for the read.
"I became insane,with long intervals of horrible insanity."

"Their ideology is that human nature is fundamentally evil.In other words, humans are evil from the day they are born."

"Human is beatiful. Perfect is boring."




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Thanks for the help! It's not a dream, though, hehe maybe I should make it more obvious. :D
I spy!



Surround yourself with people who are serious about being writers, and who will tell you, ‘Hey—you can do better than this.’ Who will be critical of your work, but also supportive. And who will not be competitive in a negative way.
— Isabel Quintero