Daughter of the Underworld-Prologue and First chapter(Draft)

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Okay. So in most mythology, it states that Hades can't have children...And I've given it away... Oops. o.O Anyways, this is basically about a girl called Casilda, Greek Gods and a lot of violence, drama and perhaps even a few scenes that'll make you cry....but that all comes later. For now, the prologue and the first chapter. Oh, I should warn you in advance. You may not like some of what's in this later on... Note: The title is only a working title and most of this still needs a bit of work. And I appologise about the length. It's long. :xd: Anyhow, I shall shut up now and let you read it. Proceed...

Prologue: Complicated.

Who would have thought that I'd be famous? No, not famous in the sense that I had cameras watching my every move. I'm famous in another sense entirely. You remember Hades, and Poseidon and Zeus? Yeah, those guys, the Greek gods. Well, they're real. No, I'm not crazy. They are real. And Hades, well. He's my dad and for some crazy reason my mother forgot to mention that tiny, little fact...

Unfortunately for her, I woke up one morning and went to school, and when some stupid kid pissed me off, I turned him into dust. Talk about detention. I was expelled. Apparently, I had scared my Principle half to death along with the Deputy.

Well, that got me in trouble. Especially with my mother, who has since—... Well, I don't really want to talk about that... It has everything to do with her boyfriend and nothing to do with said boyfriend. It's complicated.

Anyway, the day after I turned that stupid kid into dust, four guys followed me home from school and cornered me in an alley. They were War, Famine, Pestilence and Death... I have no idea why they decided to ‘talk’ to me but they ended up on their arses in the rubbish.

That sure did startle them.... And then they asked me whose house I belonged to, which confused me. I yelled at them, they yelled back and then War started talking about my little turning-some-boy-to-dust thing from the day before. And then Pestilence started talking about sky, sea or underworld.... Famine yelled at him to shut up.....but not before Death said ‘Underworld’.

A moment later and with a foggy memory, the four men were gone. But an hour later this huge monster attacked me. All I know is that it was huge, black and ugly.

* * *

Chapter 1: Cerberus & the Crazy Snake Lady.

It was a foggy Friday afternoon in L.A. I’d just had an encounter with these four weird guys who called themselves War, Famine, Pestilence and Death. And I was cranky.

I was just about to leave the alley and go back to home when something stepped into my path and growled. I looked up in time to see three heads, a large dog’s body and get a mouthful of the smell of rotting flesh.

The damn thing was ugly and huge, and it was a dog.

“Ugh,” I muttered and recoiled. The three headed dog took a couple of steps back and crouched down, bringing its heads down to my level.

I stared back into dark, blood red eyes and frowned. Not much frightened me but this thing was definitely freaking me out.

“Okay, Fido,” I muttered, backing up a few steps. “Please don’t jump on me.”

Suddenly something knocked my legs out from under me and I was looking up into the face of one damn ugly woman. My head hit the ground hard and I blinked.

“Who the hell are you?” I snapped but she just frowned and gave me an experimental poke.

“Why aren’t you stone yet?” she muttered and drifted away from me.

I sat up, wincing as I rubbed the back of my head.

“Who are you?” I asked and then stared at her. Her hair, which I had first mistaken for wig was made of living snakes and they were wriggling and hissing at each. As I watched, one bit its neighbour and the pair of them started a full on war, right there on her head.

“Can’t you tell?” The woman asked sliding on a pair of sunglasses. Her hair hissed and the snakes disappeared, turning into a mouldy, old green wig. “Or don’t you study Ancient Greek at school?”

I frowned, thinking and then it clicked. Snakes for hair, the whole stone comment.

“Medusa!” I gasped and scrambled upright. I swayed and had to grab the alley wall for support.

“Aren’t you the genius,” she hissed sarcastically.

I shot her a glare, which the damn serpent lady ignored, and leaned against the wall.

“Why didn’t you turn into stone?” she asked and glided closer. I looked down and noticed that her legs, were indeed, replaced by a serpent’s tail.

“How the hell should I know?” I shot back sourly and pushed away from the brick wall. This time I didn’t get dizzy.

I stalked past the crazy woman, picked up my bag and hesitated when I saw a huge stone, three-headed dog blocking the entrance.

“Oh great,” I muttered and rolled my eyes. “Hey, Snake Lady!” I yelled and Medusa turned around. “What are you going to do about him?” I jerked a thumb over my shoulder at the stone dog in my way.

“Oh, yes. I forgot about that,” She said and clapped her hands. The stone dog cracked and thousands of stone shards flew all over the place. I turned my face away to avoid getting a face full of broken stone.

When I turned back, there was no dog. It had vanished and all that was left was a pile of rubble.

“Thanks,” I muttered and left the alley at a run. Medusa the crazy Snake Lady didn’t follow me but I saw plenty of other weird things, like the homeless guy standing on the corner wasn’t human, he was seven foot tall and only had one eye.

I decided to ignore that and quickly made my way back to my mother’s apartment.

When I got there and pushed opened the door, I heard my mum and her damn boyfriend in the bedroom. I tuned it out. I so did not need to what they were doing.

I stalked past their room and into mine, slamming the door behind me. It didn’t block out the noise though, so I turned my radio on and cranked the volume.

I fell asleep to the sound of Evanescence blasting down the hall.

* *

The next morning I woke up to silence. My CD had played out and I couldn’t hear my mother moving around making breakfast like she normally would.

I rolled off the bed and staggered over to the window. A taxi sped past and then the street was empty again. I frowned and made my way back down the hall and into the lounge and kitchen.

Nothing, there wasn’t even a TV still running or a radio blaring. I frowned and checked my mother’s room. The door opened easily to reveal....an empty room.

I figured mum had gone to work or something so I went back to my room, climbed into bed and went back to sleep.

Well, I tried to go back to sleep but someone started banging on the front door and I groaned.

I climbed back out of bed and stumbled back down the hall, into the lounge room and yanked open the door.

A boy stood on the landing. He was around my age, had brown eyes and dark brown hair, and a black cap sat backwards on his head.

“Casilda Draven?” he asked. I was about to slam the door in his face when he stepped forward and lodged a dagger in the door just above my hand.

I stepped back in a hurry, forgetting about keeping him out, but he didn’t come in.

“Yeah, I’m Casilda,” I snapped, glaring at the dagger sticking out of the door. “What the hell do you want?”

“You summoned to the old manor down the street,” he said and turned to go. “And keep the dagger.”

I yanked said dagger out of the door and stepped out into the hall.

“Hey!” I shouted. The kid turned back and frowned. “Who the hell are you and who ‘summoned’ me? I don’t take orders well!”

The kid turned to me and smirked. “You’ll find out soon enough.”

“That is not an answer,” I told him and he sighed.

“Fine... You’re dad summoned you,” he called over his shoulder and took a couple of steps down the stairs. I froze, staring at him. My.....dad? Impossible! My dad was dead. “You’re real dad,” he added, “Remember. The Manor,” He called and took off.

I considered following him or throwing the damn dagger at him but he’d vanished into thin air as soon as he hit the bottom of the stairs.

* * *
"With friends like you, who needs a medical license?"
- Paimon, Aether's Heart


“It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission.”
- Grace Hopper.




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I like this story, it's realy interesting, it makes you want to read more:)
I seriously can't wait for the next chapter. This story is brilliant :P
Could you PM me when the next chapter comes out?
Ikafe :P
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"How do you escape from yourself?"
"...open your eyes, and see..."

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Hm.. I have to say, I've read a lot of things like this. Personally, this isn't something I'd read- I'm into reading from authors like J.R. Ward, and so to me, this bit of writing seems better suited for someone who's either twelve or thirteen. The main character seems a bit Mary-Sue(ish) which can be annoying. I recommend tuning down her power a bit. I'm not saying it wasn't well written, just not something that quite inspired me. But keep writing, it's not bad, and can definitely be improved.
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Scar! I love this. You MC is great.... :D :D :D :D

Some bits really cracked me up.

Write more,

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Ikafe, no problem. Hopefully I'll have chapter 2 done soon. I'm just having a little trouble with a certain scene... Hmm..

NikkiLow, how is she Mary-sue-ish? And her power is pretty tame at the moment.

And Anger, glad you like it.

Thanks for the reviews guys. As I said before, it needs a bit of work. Anyway, thanks again for the crit and the reiews.
"With friends like you, who needs a medical license?"
- Paimon, Aether's Heart


“It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission.”
- Grace Hopper.




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Comments in red, Scar.

ScarlettFire wrote:Okay. So in most mythology, it states that Hades can't have children...And I've given it away... Oops. o.O Anyways, this is basically about a girl called Casilda, Greek Gods and a lot of violence, drama and perhaps even a few scenes that'll make you cry....but that all comes later. For now, the prologue and the first chapter. Oh, I should warn you in advance. You may not like some of what's in this later on... Note: The title is only a working title and most of this still needs a bit of work. And I appologise about the length. It's long. :xd: Anyhow, I shall shut up now and let you read it. Proceed...

Prologue: Complicated.

Who would have thought that I'd be famous? No, not famous in the sense that I had cameras watching my every move. I'm famous in another sense entirely. You remember Hades, and Poseidon and Zeus? Yeah, those guys, the Greek gods. Well, they're real. No, I'm not crazy. They are real. And Hades, well. He's my dad and for some crazy reason my mother forgot to mention that tiny, little fact... Pause. Telling, not showing. Fix.

Unfortunately for her, I woke up one morning and went to school, and when some stupid kid pissed me off, I turned him into dust. Talk about detention. I was expelled. Pause again. Wouldn't people just have thought he disappeared? People don't tend to believe in a supernatural explanation right away.Apparently, I had scared my Principal along with the Deputy half to death.

Well, that got me in trouble. Especially with my mother, who has since—... Well, I don't really want to talk about that... It has everything to do with her boyfriend and nothing to do with said boyfriend. It's complicated. Ellipses. Careful of overusing them.

Anyway, the day after I turned that stupid kid into dust, four guys followed me home from school and cornered me in an alley. They were War, Famine, Pestilence and Death... I have no idea why they decided to ‘talk’ to me but they ended up on their arses in the rubbish.

That Careful with italicized words too. sure did startle them.... And then they asked me whose house I belonged to, which confused me. I yelled at them, they yelled back and then War started talking about my little turning-some-boy-to-dust thing from the day before. And then Pestilence started talking about sky, sea or underworld.... Famine yelled at him to shut up.....but not before Death said ‘Underworld’.
Wait. Wait wait. She's pretty crazy powerful. And how could she not go into some sort of trauma for what happened? Isn't there any reasoning on her part? Any attempt to justify herself, to think that it wasn't possible for the whole thing to happen because the supernatural isn't real?
A moment later and with a foggy memory, If her memory is foggy, then why does she remember it? the four men were gone. But an hour later this huge monster attacked me. All I know is that it was huge, black and ugly.

* * *

Chapter 1: Cerberus & the Crazy Snake Lady.

It was a foggy Friday afternoon in L.A. I’d just had an encounter with these four weird guys who called themselves War, Famine, Pestilence and Death. And I was cranky. Lol. I like this last sentence.

I was just about to leave the alley and go back to home when something stepped into my path and growled. I looked up in time to see three heads, a large dog’s body and got a mouthful of the smell of rotting flesh. The last part is awkward and wordy. Try revising it.

The damn thing was ugly and huge, and it was a dog. No screaming? It's a freaking three-headed dog. At the very least she should have told herself she was hallucinating.

“Ugh,” I muttered and recoiled. The three headed dog took a couple of steps back and crouched down, bringing its heads down to my level.

I stared back into dark, blood red eyes and frowned. Not much frightened me but this thing was definitely freaking me out. Then show me her panic.

“Okay, Fido,” I muttered, backing up a few steps. “Please don’t jump on me.”

Suddenly something knocked my legs out from under me and I was looking up into the face of one damn ugly woman. Haha. This is pretty funny. My head hit the ground hard and I blinked.

“Who the hell are you?” I snapped but she just frowned and gave me an experimental poke.

“Why aren’t you stone yet?” she muttered and drifted away from me.

I sat up, wincing as I rubbed the back of my head.

“Who are you?” I asked and then stared at her. Her hair, which I had first mistaken for wig was made of living snakes and they were wriggling and hissing at each other. As I watched, one bit its neighbour and the pair of them started a full on war, right there on her head.

“Can’t you tell?” The woman asked sliding on a pair of sunglasses. Her hair hissed and the snakes disappeared, turning into a mouldy, old green wig. “Or don’t you study Ancient Greek at school?”

I frowned, thinking and then it clicked. Snakes for hair, the whole stone comment.

“Medusa!” I gasped and scrambled upright. I swayed and had to grab the alley wall for support. You're straining my suspension of disbelief. She doesn't laugh at them, doesn't think she's crazy, nothing. :/

“Aren’t you the genius,” she hissed The words "said" and "asked" are your friends because they're invisible words - the reader often skims right through them without noticing. Hissed, muttered, shouted and the like draw the reader's attention and actually jar the reader if used too much. sarcastically.

I shot her a glare, which the damn serpent lady ignored, and leaned against the wall.

“Why didn’t you turn into stone?” she asked and glided closer. I looked down and noticed that her legs were indeed replaced by a serpent’s tail.

“How the hell should I know?” I shot back sourly and pushed away from the brick wall. This time I didn’t get dizzy.

I stalked past the crazy woman, picked up my bag and hesitated when I saw a huge stone three-headed dog blocking the entrance.

“Oh great,” I muttered and rolled my eyes. “Hey, Snake Lady!” I yelled and Medusa turned around. “What are you going to do about him?” I jerked a thumb over my shoulder at the stone dog in my way. Suspension of disbelief broken.


I stopped there and I'll be honest and frank. No offense, but I agree with NikkiLow. Your character's reactions, her powers - they kind of broke the whole story apart for me. She's too powerful too early in the story, and she's not scared of anything. In fact, she's odd because normal people won't react that way, no matter how brave. Unless of course they're kooky. But that's a different story.

Scarlett, this could be improved by tweaking the main character alone. Everything else is fine. In fact, you could leave her powers alone if you show us a bit more of her personality. Right now she seems like a cardboard cut out, and a fairly annoying one at that.

I'm sorry if this review is offensive. Also, this is entirely my opinion so I could be wrong. You know what's best for your story.

Yours truly,

Kara
"The moral of this story, is that if I cause a stranger to choke to death for my amusement, what do you think I’ll do to you if you don’t tell me who ordered you to kill Colosimo?“

-Boardwalk Empire

Love, get out of my way.


Dulcinea: 2,500/50,000




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Thanks for the review, Kara. That's why I said it needs work. I was thinking that my MC needs a bit of work myself. Well... Looks like it's going to need a lot of editing.
"With friends like you, who needs a medical license?"
- Paimon, Aether's Heart


“It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission.”
- Grace Hopper.




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Nice, I really am not in the mood for any serious review but I am a classical history nut, having studied it in school and I must admit that this is not that actuate but then again i don't know the whole story. On the Whole its sound a little Percy Jacksonish but in a good way, I love how you used War, Pestilence and Death a really nice touch. Is her mother Persephone? or someone else because according to myth Hades, unlike his brothers, actually stayed very faithful to his wife and when he did get tempered she had the habit of turning his potential lovers into plants. Check out the myth behind Minthe or Mint as we now that unfortuante nymph.

Hope to see more of this!
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I have read it from start to finish, and have the sense that you were making a demigod- or demi-goddess in this case. I would like to put in a character of my own in your story, if you like. Let's say... offspring of Morpheus, god of dreams. Twin children Silver and Sandy- Sandy as a son, and Silver as a daughter and the youngest of the pair. Silver reads nightmares and causes them when angered, while Sandy reads sweet dreams and causes daydreaming. You think about it. Call me when you have an answer.
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Look down, look down, upon your fellow man.

~~~Les Miserables




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Well written! I must say, mostly I found it humorous but that is just because I have demented sense of humor! :)

Your main character is great and very amusing!

~FW~
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