Un-Beautiful

I don't know when
I first thought
I was un-beautiful.

Maybe it was when
He chose her
Over me.

Maybe it was when
my dad
called me a slut.

I feel un-beautiful.
My stomach aches
As I push the bowl away.

Pain erupts in my throat,
As I touch the reflex
Releasing the "poison".

I even began
to make myself
what they called me--
ugliness brought on by metal-slices.

I don't know
When I first thought
I was un-beautiful.

Hello, FQ! First off, I thought this poem had a *nice* fragile nature to it. Howevere, there were some spots that were cliché.

Maybe it was when,

Don't need the comma.

My stomach aches,

Once again

Pain erupts in my throat,

and again.

As I touch the reflex
Releasing the "poison".

I like these two lines because it shows your writing ability. Poison meaning that the narrator thinks food is a poison/making them un-beautiful. Nice job.

My wrists hurt,
As blood rivers
Flow over the pale skin.

This is where it becomes too cliché. This has been used in many angsty poems about a million times. If you want to give us that information about someone self-mutilating...intertwine it in secretly, kind of. Like, "I even began/to make myself/what they called me --/ ugliness brought on by metal-slices." (You can use that if you want.)

I don't know
When I first thought
I was un-beautiful.

I love how fragile this ending is. However, you manage to make it a strong ending while having that fragile effect...interesting!


Keep writing; polish this up.


-Jon

It's rare to find a poem that involves family problems, eating disorders and self mutilation, that doesn't scream out emoism. This is actually quite far from emo.

I like the phrase un-beautiful. It's so odd that it makes the whole poem stand out.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but based on recent conversations on YWS is sounds like this is something written (at least partly) from experience. The genuinity shows, and I think that's what makes the whole thing so brilliant.

Well done
-Ten

Hello there!

That was nice. I liked the thought of "Un-Beautiful". It was a totally an exceptional title. Even if there were no rhyme scheme to it, the flow had it good to make it nice.

Pain erupts in my throat,
As I touch the reflex
Releasing the "poison".

Good line.

Anyways keep writing!

peace out!

Your poem was really good. I loved the tittle.