Cursed By Life

The air is thick with temptation
she feels it flowing through her veins
sharp and pure.
Her stomach twists,
her lips forming a thin line where they meet.
Teeth clenched,
battling the urge to react
nothing following but pain
that of her own,
and that of the rest of humanity.
She bites down tight on her lip;
breaking skin.
Concentration,
Consumption,
Coruption,
Combustion,
there is no pain.
wishing for distraction;
from loss,
from fear,
from hate,
from life,
thoughts of the end.
A flick of the wrist,
"over,"
a twitch of the hand
"the end."
What to do?
Cursed by life
What to do?



I know it's rough but I just started it.

I really like this. I think that one thing you could do to make it better is at the part where is says from loss, from hear, etc....I think that you should lose the from except on the first one. I think that it would make it look a lot better. Anyway other than that I really like this.

Keep Writing

-Flower-

Well, this flowed well enough, so it wasn't difficult to read, but there were a couple words that made me go "What?" and the ending of the poem struck me as very meh.

Concentration,
Consumption,
Coruption,
Combustion,

Concentration make sense, but consumption of what? Corruption (watch your spelling) of what? And what does things burning have to do with anything?

wishing for distraction;
from loss,
from fear,
from hate,
from life,
thoughts of the end.

These lines, written out in prose form, make no sense. What is wishing for distraction? Is there supposed to be a "from" in front of "thoughts"?

What to do?
Cursed by life
What to do?

How is the narrator cursed by life? Why are they wondering about what to do? This all just comes out of nowhere. You need to show or at least explain earlier on in the poem these two things.

Overall, it's not the worst poem I've ever read, and I realize this is still very rough, but it definitely needs a lot of work. I also don't think taking a second look at the punctuation would hurt. Punctuation in poems is generally the same as punctuation in prose, and I saw some rather iffy uses of punctuation, with the semicolons, in particular.

xxbwiismexx wrote:The air is thick with temptation
she feels it flowing through her veins
sharp and pure.
Her stomach twists,
her lips forming a thin line where they meet.

Something's either causing great pain or pleasure. Sometimes it's both sometimes it's nothing. But it's twisting her stomach, there's a thrill in there. Fear too, something she's afraid of?

Teeth clenched,
battling the urge to react
nothing following but pain
that of her own,
and that of the rest of humanity.

Who's hurt her? Who took her control? A battle comes from two sides a beginner and a finisher who started throwing the punches?

She bites down tight on her lip;
breaking skin.
Concentration,
Consumption,
Coruption,
Combustion,
there is no pain.

It takes skill to cute deep but not murder deep. Amazing there is no pain, until the last moments where everything comes together.

wishing for distraction;
from loss,
from fear,
from hate,
from life,
thoughts of the end.

Is she wishing for the final step, giving up?

Heya xxbwi!

Alright, I didn't really like this. I'll tell you why. This started off as a poem with great potential, and turned into a rant, a sad path many poems take.
When you're looking for flow, dumping a bunch of words that sound nice together isn't the solution. Find your meter. Know what that is? A pattern to your lines, such as 5,7,5; or 2,4,6,8. It needs to be either repetitive of flowing, such as the counting by twos example I gave you. Your current meter is!

8,8,3,4,9,2,8,7,4.....

You get the idea. There's no repetition, no order at all. You need to choose a flow and stick with it! Combine your lines so they fit together nicely.The one exception to this rule is some rhyming poems (note: SOME).

Word "rants" like you had here completely mess up the meter. Choose on nice one that makes sense and work it into a line if you must.

Get it?Got it? Good.

This has a lot of potential-- work on it!

Cheers!

-Dreamy115