Dear diary, 09/24/10
This is the first time I’ve written something like this, nobody writes diaries anymore. But they keep telling me it’ll help in the long run. They want me to “help them understand me better”, and the only rule is: I can’t make all of this about “her” but ever since she started, that’s all any things been about, supposedly everything that happened was just “set off by her actions” and had she not started “something else would’ve set me off”. They’ve told me I have to start from the beginning, and pretty much write my life story, but I was told that me it was for my eyes alone, I don’t have to share it with them, that’s the only reason I agreed to do this. So for the record I am not trying to “finally be cooperative” with you people, it’s just to get you off of my back, and have time to pretend to sleep while you think I’m writing. They said all they had to do was check if I’ve written so in reality I could write anything I wanted and they can say nothing of it. But, I’m a girl of my word and I promised so here I go: my name is Clarity Vanderwood and “I’m an alcoholic”. Ha! Okay so that’s not exactly realistic, lets try this again: my name is Clarity Vanderwood I 'm the younger sister of a drug addict. That’s right; the reason I’m here has nothing to do with me at all. Would I have done anything had she not totally ruined my life? Nope! But too late now, it’s not like I can go back in time, and even if I could I couldn’t make her decisions for her. Sorry I got a little off topic, I get a little distracted like that at times. I was born like everyone else, I'd rather not go into the gruesome details and I doubt you'd like to hear them anyway. I had a normal childhood I guess, actually that was a lie, I had the perfect childhood. In all truth looking back, I can't think of much to complain about. My mom, god bless her heart, she was the best, there for me when I needed her and I almost never did, for me, everything always fell into place. My dad and I were so close we always did stuff together, I’ve always been a daddy’s girl; god I miss them. I almost forgot I had a sister too, once again that was a lie, I wish I could forget her, my older sisters name was Aeryn but, now in my heart she no longer exists in any place. All she has become is someone who’s taken her jack hammer called stupidity and drilled it through a place in my heart that my family used to inhibit. Yup if you haven’t already guessed it Aeryn is my drug addict older sister and sadly enough she and I are all that’s left of my family. But we’ll revisit this topic later, hopefully much much later. I don’t know why I’m still writing I have to rip out this page and write it again anyway, stupid tears. Don’t you just sometimes wish that you couldn’t remember all the painful stuff? Ignorance is bliss. Alright back on the topic of telling about myself here I go; Not to sound all conceited but I've always been naturally pretty, I mean not "gorgeous" but pretty enough to get by in the world. And I'm smart, not brilliant but who needs to be brilliant to get through school these days? All you have to do is memorize all the crap they throw at you, and then forget it the second the test is over. Most people don’t see things the way I do I still don’t see how people can be failing all of their classes and yet still sleep through them but hey, most other people wouldn’t understand why I’d try and kill myself, truthfully, I don’t really get it either. Anyhow, I had the best friends Des and Brent, they were the greatest, and we grew up together. I love them so much, I regret us growing apart more than anything. I guess most of it was my fault though, I guess since childhood I imagined me and Brent getting married one day, his dark brown hair cropped and hanging over the tips of his ears ever so slightly and his tall, strong figure covered in his stunningly black tuxedo. I imagined Des as my maid of honor wearing some bright dress making me feel drastically tall, her light blonde hair sparkling under the sunlight, and my mom sitting in the first row tears glistening in the corners of her eyes and yet she’d still be smiling; looking strikingly like me. The music would play and I’d gather the bottom of my flowing dress and walk carefully across the grass, the wind would blow just enough for my lengthy black hair to surround my face. My dad would then walk up and take my hand in his and look at me with pleading and yet joyous eyes, we’d walk down the isle and deep inside I’d get this deep sense of perfection in life; that feeling of everything once again falling in to place. I was in the 9th grade when things started to crash down around me. I was the average 9th grader I guess I had amazing grades and an amazing family, my sister and I were so tremendously close. We went everywhere together, parties’, friends’ houses, she took me for rides in her car, and we even ate lunch together. My friends were her friends and her friends were mine, we were inseparable, then the first say of the second marking period came along, I remember it like it was yesterday; this day forever etched into my memory. I woke up that morning just like any other: wishing to go back to sleep, I grabbed my phone right away and clicked off my alarm to get rid of that monotonous beeping sound. After finally getting up about five minutes later and grabbing the first set of clean clothes I could find I jumped in the shower and did my best to wake up. My bathroom was connected to my bed room so it was mine and mine alone; I miss not having to share a bathroom. Mom ran up the steps like every morning yelling at me and Aeryn to get up and as usual, Aeryn was still sleeping, she hadn’t been feeling well the past couple days ever since she got back from her friend lexi’s house we’d had a big fight the day before she left and I still don’t really know what exactly I did to make her mad. All I was doing was sitting with her in the living room and I wanted to watch some show that she didn’t want to watch; you know the common sibling battle right? Well it got bad she started yelling at me and I just sat there confused I remember her screaming, “Why don’t you care about anyone else but your self? You’re such a child! You need to get a life of your own and leave me alone!!!!!” Then she stormed up the stairs locking her bedroom door behind her, and if you know anything about our family you’d know that no one, I mean NO ONE ever locked their doors; it was just something we didn’t do. It was like everyone’s doors were always open to each other that was just the kind of family we were back then. I walked up to her room that night when she didn’t come down for dinner, her door was still locked and not a sound was coming from her room.
As I walked up to the door the first thing my pride told me to do was walk away and let her sulk in her own self pity, Can you blame me? I mean really why should I apologize when she’s the one that flipped out on me? But I swallowed my pride out of love for my sister and clenched my fist; tight enough that my nails were biting in to my skin, and knocked on the door a bit harder than necessary but I couldn’t help it! I was trying really hard to keep my cool and for once, be the bigger person. I heard her slip out of her queen sized bed, and slide the chains on the inside of her door unlocked. It was then that I panicked,”What if she hates me?” My inner voice asked; Aeryn and I had never had a fight like that and I’d never believed that we would. But I stood my ground and she looked at me like she normally would, as if nothing had happened and I’d just interrupted her while she was studying.
“Hey,” I said nervously.
“Hey!” she replied seemingly almost happy to see me. She opened the door further, so I took that as an invitation to walk in.
“Ummmmm…” I said awkwardly as I sat down on her forest green comforter and looked up at my sister whose dyed read hair was neatly straightened, so right form the start I knew something had to be up “What’s up…?”
“I’m actually going my friend Lexi’s place,” She replied not looking me in the face and turning her back on me like she’d gotten distracted by something she was supposed to be doing.
“Oh…” It was then that I realized that I wasn’t going to be going with her for the first time ever since I was in like the second grade.
“Yeah I’m going alone this time,” She said awkwardly; like she actually had to tell me, like I couldn’t already tell. She stood up and walked across her room and looked out the window. I just looked down at the fluffy bright green carpet she had our parents put in a couple years back, she’d worked all summer to pay for it and I’d always admired her for her dedication.
“You wouldn’t want to go anyways, Lexi isn’t the kind of person you’d want to be around,” she’d said still looking out the window. She looked as if she would do anything to get out of that room right then, even jump out of her second story window.
“Alright,” I said, “well I need to go I’ve got to study, night.” I got up and left before she could say bye. That night, I cried myself to sleep, and every creak of the steps I’d heard I made myself believe that she was coming back to get me and that she’d apologize for not taking me and everything would be okay again. It didn’t happen; looking back I don’t really see how it was such a big deal, I mean she was aloud to have friends that both of us didn’t share I wasn’t that shallow that I’d forbidden her to go anywhere without me, It just bothered me because I didn’t have any friends that we didn’t share, but at the time I wasn’t really thinking that maybe, Aeryn didn’t want me hanging around Lexi for a reason. Maybe she was actually looking out for me? Maybe she just didn’t want me to see anything and tell someone? Maybe she cared? Or maybe she was showing a complete disregard for me. I don’t know which it is, and I think things are better that way. She came back that Sunday night and headed for her room almost immediately she didn’t say hi to a single person just walked upstairs and locked her door once again. My first thought is that they were out partying all weekend and that’s why she went to bed as soon as she walked through the door. Then I started to think that maybe her and her friend Lexi had some huge battle, I just threw it off as that and went to bed not a worry in my mind. That was mistake number one; as time went by she began looking more and more tired. I never would’ve guessed that she’d been at Lexi’s on the street, selling herself to get money to blow on drugs. Do you think I ever would have thought that my sister would become a drug addict? The same sister I looked up to for my whole life? Looked up to for her good behavior, natural taste for people and just devotion to making changes for the better? Never in a million years, I loved her and now, now in my mind she is no longer related; I now have officially disowned my older sister. Why did Lexi have to corrupt my older sister? Why did she have to take her from me? Maybe it wasn’t Lexi at all. What would I do if I one day found out MY ex-older sister destroyed not only mine and her own, but another girls life as well. You know what I don’t really care. That’s all I want to write for today this is kind of depressing. Oh look here they are with my meds! Ahhh can’t wait for the sweet sweet darkness, the intense intoxication of nothingness. Nighty night world!
