The Night Bird - Chapter 1

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*Is rated 12 and up because of references to murder and death.
This is relatively short first chapter, but I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for reading, please review and rate. :elephant:

Chapter 1
It was a dark night, as most nights are, when Lissa received a knock at her door. She ran down the stairs in her long lace nightgown, through the kitchen and into the den. The large, wooden front door was creaking, and the wind was whipping so hard that she felt a draft coming from uder the bottom of the door.
Another knock on the door echoed through the room and Liss swiftly opened it, interested to see who was waiting for her.
There stood a scruffy old man in a black overcoat and gold bifocals, holding a cage containing a black bird in his hand. He looked at Lissa quizzically before holding out the oddly shaped cage, with the bird perching on a rung of the cage inside.
“My name is Mr. Colliver. I moved into Kelsey Manor just a couple days ago. I was wondering if you could take care of this raven for the night.” The man’s voice sounded like the mix of a broken record and the engine of a new car, that could sound soothing to some people, but Lissa wasn’t quite sure what to think of the man. People knew no one had lived in the Kelsey house ever since the incident fifteen years ago. Even though she was only five at the time and had very little memory of the incident, the tale of it had been told to every citizen of her little New England town.
Samuel Kelsey was a successful banker and owned many stocks in the oil industry, so at the time he was considered the wealthiest man in town. At the age of twenty-three he started building his own house on Cherry Lane, the same street Lissa currently lived on. When he was finished, Kelsey Manor was the largest house in town, and the only house that featured elaborate architecture, Greek pillars, and a veranda.
It was told that even though Kelsey had everything most people could possibly want, he was a very depressed man. He had been raised in an orphanage in Boston, so he had never had a family of his own. He had always dreamed of having a wife and children he could take care of.
For the first four years after he had built Kelsey Manor, Samuel was a very social man, who attended all the parties and gatherings in the area. After awhile though, he stopped attending events and suddenly closed down his bank, a sure sign that something had gone wrong in his life. However, no one ever found out what was wrong with him, because no one saw him anymore. It was recognized that he never left his house for years.
Instead of looking impressive, Kelsey Manor started to look dark and deserted, so most people avoided getting near the once grand mansion. Many urban legends were spread through the neighborhoods; many people thought the house was surrounded by ghosts, or that Kelsey had already died and his corpse was being eaten by thousands of cockroaches.
Kelsey was only seen once after his disappearance, thirty years later on his front porch. He was hanging from the top of one of the pillars holding his house up, a rope tied around his neck. No one had seen if his death was a suicide or a murder, or if he had a killer running on the loose. But one thing was true; Samuel Kelsey was dead as a doornail.
Lissa looked back at Mr. Colliver, the tale of Samuel Kelsey still fresh in her mind. The only part of the incident she had the unfortunate remembrance of? The sight of Kelsey’s dead body hanging off a bloody rope in midair. That was a site she was sure she’d never forget.
She tried to muster a smile despite the nauseous feeling she felt in the pit of her stomach. “What’s your raven’s name?”
Mr. Colliver arched his eyebrows and smiled. “He doesn’t have a name.”
“Really? The raven isn’t your pet?”
Mr. Colliver’s smile turned into a grimace, and he lowered his gaze to the raven in the cage, who was pecking at one of the silver bars. “No. I don’t know what it is.”
Lissa instinctively stepped away from the man, suddenly aware that she had let a strange man in her house. “Look, sir, I can’t keep your bird company. I don’t even know how to take care of birds. I’m more of a cat person and..”
Mr. Colliver quickly interrupted. “I’m sure this bird won’t be much trouble. It’ll find its own food.” He paused and then winked at Lissa. “Trust me.” He then set the cage down on the hardwood floor, and walked out the door.
“But Mr. Colliver…” Lissa picked up the cage and ran out the door into the cool night air. She looked for any sign of the old man, but she could see nothing moving in the yard. He was gone.
She walked back inside the house and locked the door, promising to herself that she wouldn’t let any old men back into the house ever unless she knew them. This was all too weird.
She suddenly heard a throaty rattle, and turning around, she saw the raven fly right out of the cage.
Apple of my soul,
Eats me whole,
Take one bite,
No delight,
Rotting hole.




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Ahhh!! Bird on the loose!! :shock:

Nice first chapter. I noticed a couple grammer issues, and I think one spelling issue in the first paragraph ("Under", not "uder"!)

Very nice. Is this your horror story you were talking about? If so, you have a very nice, ominous start. I'd love to read more!

- G




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Welcome to YWS, it's a superb writing site.

If I were asked to take a big red marker and divide this chapter into parts, I'd know exactly where to put the lines, and how many of those lines there would be. Two parts – or one, really, with space for a big interference inside. Illustration:

I. A
II. B
I. A

I'll start out with that middle part, what I called an interference. It's not the current running story, is it? It's basically one big info dump. We leave what's happening now (forget about it totally!) to get to know the backstory. It's not subtle at all, and it's this big, bulky thing that takes up most of the attention of the chapter (transfer's very nice, though). I don't think that can be justified...

I know it's an intergral part of the story, that backstory. That's it's important, and that we must know it. But cannot we get it in smaller doses? I felt a bit overwhelmed, you know, by the time we got back to A and Lissa. This is a story, not an essay! Weave it in :)

Make it so I can't make that division. Is there absolutely no other way than to throw all that info at the reader? IIB is interesting, yes, but it's what happened in the past, not now. We're more interested in now. Details pf IIB I want, not the whole thing! This is not a seperate story, it's not even a story running parallel to IA. So, summing up: I want to know what is told in IIB, but not at the cost of it barging up and taking air time.

Part I, it's not sufficiently developed and is hiding under a rock, the rock being IIB. We have a character, Lissa, about whom we know what? Nothing. She's just a name. She opens a door, meets a neighbor (but this character I really did like), takes his raven (adored the raven). Cool. Now, expand. This is first plan. This is what's most important! And it's overshadowed, so terribly overshadowed by II B!

Ha I have to say I adored the raven again, I just have to – and the title's lovely. Beginning (about night) matches it perfectly. Night's mood-setting and fantastic, and because of that, maybe give a few more details about it? Atmosphere! Eerie, creepy, I wanna be a bit scared :) That would help Lissa too, I think (the reader would start feeling for her, feeling through her).

Ravens! Night Bird!




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Thanks for the comments on Chapter 1. I just posted Chapter 2 and it would be so nice if you two could also read that. Thanks again!
Apple of my soul,
Eats me whole,
Take one bite,
No delight,
Rotting hole.




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I personally really like it! It's really mysterious so far, which is always good in a piece of writing. You've definately got me interested! I also love your character's name "Lissa" it's great names are important in a story in my opinion. Can't wait to read more!
~ Bri



Stupidity's the deliberate cultivation of ignorance.
— William Gaddis