The Nobodies

Chapter One: I' Dead? No Way!



Dead! You can't be serious? How can I be dead. Wait, but if I'm dead how come I'm still thinking. Surly dead people couldn't think because then the wouldn't be dead, right? Man when did my life turned upside down. I mean only the other day I was dealing with your average teenage life, hanging with friends, thinking of ways to get out of doing my homework. But just this evening I was being pulled out of a coffin by a coco skin women called Zaphirna who told me that I was the technically dead. How could you be technically dead? Either your dead or alive. She wasn't very talkative about what had happen and what was happening for a mater of fact. But she had assured me that everything would be explained when we reached this place called The Cytadell. What in the world is The Cytadell and who the hell where these people who had come along and dug me out of my grave. And another thing, how did they know that I was just 'technically dead' and not completely dead. Hopefully somebody will explain this to me soon or I think I'm going to lose my mind.

So here I am now, sat in the back of a big Mercedes-Benz which to honest was travelling way faster than the speed limit. We must be going at least seventy, maybe even eighty miles an hour in a built up area. I guess this is what it must feel like to be on the Knight bus from Harry Potter, only I'm in a car, not a bus and there is definitely nothing magical about it. Or at least I don't think there is, as at the moment I'm not too sure about anything as apparently I'm supposed to be dead. So I'm currently in a state of confusion as I sit here being whizzed around though town not knowing really where I am going except that the placed we are headed for is called The Cytadell. Peering out the window everything is a blur, rushing past me without a second look. It's like nobody could see the car storming down the street, as if we aren't even here, like we don't even exist. It is a if we're ghost, nobodies, just passing by invisible to the human eye.

To Be Continued....

This looks like it could be an interesting story. Can't wait to read more, watch out for spellings

The story develops rather quickly, without much explanation and handwaving the past events. Although there will probably be references to the past events later on in the story, a little more information on the character's death would be .... well, informative.
Good sense of confusion for the newly awakened dead, but suddenly arriving in the Mercedes with little details as to how is a bit too fast. Don't try and rush it, because it is a reasonable idea and your quality of writing is above standard. Keep it up.

yes i agree with the others, somehow seems a little rushed to me even though you might have wanted to keep it short for the first part you posted. also noticed some spelling mistakes also some typing errors. take care to go over it again before you post it. other than that its fine. just look out for what i mentioned. but its going good. seems very intresting where the story is headed.

good luck!!

Hey there DustyDust.

You definitely have an interesting premise on your hands! The whole being dug out of the grave, and being unnoticed by the human eye. Quite interesting.

One major thing that could really improve this is description. What does the graveyard look like when he/she(there was no specification of gender that I could tell) is dug up, what do these 'nobodies' look like and sound like. What does the car look like? What's it like riding in the car as it speeds, what does it feel like to be with these nobodies? Remember the five senses when giving descriptions, and try to appeal to them. It will make the reader more involved in the story.

Also, dialogue. Dialogue is a great tool for establishing characters, events, and ideas. When Zaphirna dug him/her out of the grave, put in some dialogue and have her actually say that he is technically dead.

This could be a really great chapter, just try to slow things down and put in the description and dialogue. These two things are two big things that make reading enjoyable.

Keep writing! If you have any questions, or ever want another review from me, feel free to PM me.

-Lauren-

So here I am now, sat in the back of a bi Mercedes-Benz which to honest was travelling way faster than the speed limit.

Hey guys thaks for all your comments there really helpful and will encourperate mos of them inthe the post. The reason it's not too detailed yet is because I'm going to have a flash back of how he was dug up in a the next paragraph or two and also more detail about the car on the end of the last paragraph maybe even a whole new one two. So stay tunned as I will be updating the top post soon and Posting Update in a post below.

Hi XxXDustyDustXxX
I like this post and I can't wait for more.
I think you should re-read it as there a couple of spelling mistakes that a spell check wouldn't have picked up.
Can you pm me when you post more?
midnightread

Corrections in red.

XxXDustyDustXxX wrote:


Chapter One: I' Dead? No Way!



Dead! You can't be serious. How can I be dead? Wait, but if I'm dead how come I'm still thinking? Surely dead people couldn't think because then they wouldn't be dead, right? Man when did my life turned upside down? I mean only the other day I was dealing with your average teenage life, hanging with friends, thinking of ways to get out of doing my homework. But just this evening I was being pulled out of a coffin by a cocoa skin women called Zaphirna who told me that I was the technically dead. How could you be technically dead? Either you're dead or alive. She wasn't very talkative about what happened and what was happening for a mater of fact. But she assured me that everything would be explained when we reached this place called The Cytadell. What in the world is The Cytadell and who the hell were these people who had come along and dug me out of my grave? And another thing, how did they know that I was just 'technically dead' and not completely dead? Hopefully somebody will explain this to me soon or I think I'm going to lose my mind.

So here I am now, sitting in the back of a big Mercedes-Benz which, to be honest, was travelling way faster than the speed limit. We must be going at Here you'll have to put a double at, meaning we must be going at at least seventy. Which is ugly to look at, so I suggest you reword this sentence. least seventy, maybe even eighty miles an hour in a built up area. I guess this is what it must feel like to be on the Knight bus from Harry Potter, only I'm in a car, not a bus and there is definitely nothing magical about it. Or at least I don't think there is, as at the moment I'm not too sure about anything as apparently I'm supposed to be dead. So I'm currently in a state of confusion You don't need to tell us she's in a state of confusion as you already showed it to us. as I sit here being whizzed around though town not knowing really where I am going except that the placed we are headed for is called The Cytadell. Peering out the window everything is a blur, rushing past me without a second look. It's like nobody could see the car storming down the street, as if we aren't even here, like we don't even exist. It is a if we're ghost, nobodies, just passing by invisible to the human eye.

To Be Continued....

Okay, final comments.

The voice is insanely strong. Excellent. It's chatty. Not so good. You might want to cut out some of those questions as they're overwhelming. However, you do bring a very light-hearted tone into a story that might otherwise be somber.

I like the concept and I love the voice, except for the whole chatty part. Try to delete some sentences that are just repetitive. Also, read through your story. There are things that spellcheck didn't catch.

If you found this review offensive, I'm sorry.

Yours truly,

Kara

Hey guys if any of you other there like to rolepay I've set up a sit similar to my book so help give me some idea's for what to do when I get to the cytadell and the characteristc's of sme of my charcters. If your interestd here's the link and I'll hopefully have more story for the weekend.

http://thenobodiesrp.proboards.com

Okay, your story seems to be going somewhwere and I'll follow you for the ride if you PM when you add more to the story. I agree with the others it looked to be rushed and had little description. But I'm guessing all of that will be in the next chapter.

Your picture is awesome! How did you do that?

Hello, fellow newb!
Your story is very fast paced. I like that! Something, however, reminds me of playing the introduction quests of an Undead in World of Warcraft...
*waves hand airily* No matter, no matter. We have to get our inspiration from somewhere!
Anyway keep up this story, watch your spelling and grammar, and stay tall! Unless your short. In that case... get taller!
P.S. Where's the picture from?

Ok for you guys asking about the pic I made it myself by combinding different photo's from the interent and sticking them in photoshop.

Alright, this is not something I would read. Not enough paragraphs, and it's obvious you didn't even care enough about it to read it through and fix mistakes. Obviously you don't actually think "they" is spelled "the", and the phrase "to be honest" is really "to honest".

Why are these errors and plenty more like it strewn throughout your work? Because you didn't bother to read it when you had finished it. If you had, and paid attention, these mistakes would have jumped out at you and you could've fixed them. As is, it's a pain to read. Also, use spell check. It'll catch a few of the mistakes you might miss.

Anyway, aside from the errors, what these two long blocks of text (again, split them into more paragraphs) basically are is a big info dump. This is bad. What you want to do is show, not tell, as in don't make your writing a speech about what happened/is happening, actually show us this. While something like this isn't absolutely bad, execution is key. What you've done is write a big long article about what happened before, and it bores the bejebus out of the reader. You could've just started the story at the beginning of all this action, instead of the middle.

Take it into consideration.

~Aet

Hello! I really like this story and can't wait to read more of it! But as the others said next time, check for your spelling and also try to add in a bit more details. I just had a question: What is a cytadell? Because I know that in french, it will be something like a clinic.Anyways I can't wait to read more of it!

Lolo