Witches of Algernon (Part 1 of chpt. 2)

I Didn't have time to write the rest of chapter two since I am currently working on another story (Revenant, with Natalie Fletcher) for a dear friend of mine...Hope you like this little exserpt!

Chapter two

Mairi was aware that Clifton Sykes was probably still prowling about so she covered herself in a dark black cloak and covered her face, holding her rucksack to her chest. Not knowing exactly where she was heading, she began to wonder what she should do with her life.
She was heading down Baiter Street towards Celeron Circle. Two women walked by suddenly, both holding a torch lit with a purplish flame. It was then she thought of the idea to do her fire tricks for money down at Celeron. It was risky, but if she hid her face well, she might be able to make a few silver and catch the next ship off to another country.
Mairi watched the Witches and Wizards dance with each other, drinking bottoms up and courting one another. There were sparks of magic flying everywhere, in an arrangement of different colors. It was bewildering how many of them there were. Some of them were dressed in long cloaks others in regular civilian dress. Mairi instantly recognized one of the Witches as Mrs. Kingsburry from Market Square. She was sitting outside of a small carriage that was unhitched from the horses, large letters splashed on the side in golden hues reading: Physic Reader. Placed at a small table, Mrs. Kingsburry looked diligent in reading something out of a large worn book, her gray hair sticking out every which way.
“Mrs. Kingsburry?” Mairi said, walking up to her. Mrs. Kingsburry looked up, confused.
“Mairi Mallard? - what in blue blazers are you doing here?”
“I should ask you the same thing,” Mairi retorted.
“Fair enough, I’ve decided to get back to my physic powers- give them a spin again…”
Mairi nodded slowly.
“Now tell me Doll,” Mrs. Kingsburry said. “Why are you here at a time like this?”
“I’ll only tell you if you don’t turn me in,” Mairi said. Mrs. Kingsburry shrugged reassuringly and prodded Mairi on. “I’ve decided to run away.”
Mrs. Kingsburry cocked her eyebrows upward, an expression that read: I don’t believe you.
“Mr. Mallard has decided to marry me off to Clifton Sykes, a no good, rotten-”
“Son of a gun,” Mrs. Kingsburry finished. She smashed her book shut and slammed it on the table wrathfully. “He will do you no good…plus your children will be awfully dreadful looking.”
“So I decided that the bakery hasn’t been doing much good to me either,” Mairi said. “And so now I have come to think that showing off my fire tricks will get me enough money to get me on a ship away from this place.”
“Very well,” Mrs. Kingsburry said. “But those tricks must be awfully good if you’re planning on getting any money here. These are all Witches and Wizards here, might I remind you. They see this kind of thing every day.”
“Alright, so I’ll try my best,” Mairi said.
Mrs. Kingsburry smiled and pushed Mairi forward into a circle of other Witches and Wizards. Mairi swallowed hard before she began to form a small dwindling flame on her thumb. Only a few people turned to look her way, but didn’t mind her too much, since they quickly went back to talking amongst each other. Mairi noticed that Mrs. Kingsburry was the only one watching her.
“Show me what you can do,” she called over the loud voices of the crowd. Mairi shied away for a moment and then made the flame in her hand grow larger and larger until it was the size of a large coach wheel. She then made it burst into a million different shades of purples, greens, blues, and oranges. In the epicenter of the blast a large dragon emerged roaring loudly. This made a few heads turn, making even a few more people walk over. But just as they stepped up to watch, Mairi faltered and withered away.
“What is it Doll?” Mrs. Kingsburry asked. “That was quite well of you. And you haven’t any training have you?”
“No Ma’am,”
“Well why don’t you go and have some fun out there Doll,” Mrs. Kingsburry said. “You look like you could use a glass of beer.”
“Beer- but I don’t-”
“Nonsense child,” Mrs. Kingsburry chimed. She slapped her hand down hard and a small boy with a goat head instead of the regular pompous face of a child appeared with two foaming beers.

Hello,

We have the MC in a Situation. The character then quite properly Mulls It Over and reaches a certain Conclusion – because honsetly, how long would anyoen put up with an angsty/contemplative character. This character's Conclusion happens to be, from the reader's and author's perspective, Plot. Plot is thought out by you, the author, who knows all about it. But! Here reader goes south and author west. Goals differ.

Meaning, the author is very wise and knowledgeable and wants to pass on info. Reader basically goes with whatever is thrown at her – but is sometimes unhappy and feels malnutritioned. Since vitamins sitting in the reader's head (details of the story, information as to how certain things happen, why, setting and all that jazz) are just not presented in an interesting way (we don't come to conclusions with the MC, but are presented with sthing done, ready - the vitamins, etailss just aren't there!).

We get the conclusion reached from the author's perspective. Author knows what will happens, plainly says it! No! It has to be done through the character, with reasons, with thinking (it has to be done for the reader, through the MC, so that the reader thinks parallel through the MC). Mulling It Over must be there – but presented in a fantastic way. Silvers were mentioned – very cool, superb (reader thinking); very appropriate (author thinking). But more!

In Witches it was just too abrupt. Those are terrible Circumstances she's under. They deserve some at least contemplation, because what might have been shed a negative light on at the beginning, in proper doses is truly fantastic. It slows down the pace, gets the MC into the reader's bloodstream and the reader, in turn, into the MC's head.

The circumstances:

1.Mairi's running away
2.She's being searched for
3.She has nowhere to go to and she has no money

Again, terrible Circumstances. For Mulling Over to be better, show us e.g. emotions. This can be quite easily done to all of them. How is she feeling? Is she scared? Panicked? If sensible and levelheaded, still show us how she's dealing with this (and not through two sentences that with a snap of the reader's fingers get us to conclusion!). Mulling Over must take some some, and the main reason why this one is bad os that it's, yes, abrupt.

Under Mulling Over are, apart from feelings, descriptions, Decision-Making Factors (thinking):

1. Women walk by (they have purple flames)

It's a fine one step, a logical one. One is all it takes, sometimes. But it's gray, it's plain – spread a red rug before it! Weave the rug. Do you know how? Add details. Add the layers of rock that actually make a step: how does Mairi make this rather big though-leap? Show us this process! It's of the sort: see blue, think of sky. Show show.

Conclusion: fire tricks down at Celuron. Which is a fine Conclusion and resolution, yes? Make the getting to it just as fine. Two pidgeons down by one stone, since characterization would enter here as well.

Ah! Charazterization. Loved Clifton's - „prowl” absolutely shows us what to think about him, and no more has to be added. Lovely.

Kingsburry – I like her, I really do. Both actions and words do her justice, although I would like to see more of the chasm between what she looks like (dilligent?) and what she does (like, offering beers). The MC goes to her – trusts her, to some extent? I'm guessing and what answers

Setting: setting was a bit of a dissapointment. We know that there are many people, OK. They're witches and wizards and whatnot. But more! More! This is an awesome place, no? So many things are happening. What does the air feel like? Is there anything particularly exciting going on while the MC enters? Kind of like a cafrnival this is – create a similar atmosphere? How is it in an amusement park? Fun! Magical! Atmoshpere!! More of:

quote:
a small boy with a goat head instead of the regular pompous face of a child appeared with two foaming beers.

Ah. She doesn't know where she's heading, but she's heading toward Baiter Street?



Esme

Hi Skittles.
As I have said this before, I am loving each and everything of your story. The setting, the weird characters and the MAGIC.
here are two mistakes I could come across in the whole passage which is definitely an improvement.

It was bewildering how many of them there were.

Use were there for bold text.

Some of them were dressed in long cloaks and others in regular civilian dress.

It was not easy to read that Mairi would tell such a big thing to someone like Mrs. Kingsburry unless she has a lot of faith in her and who's a good lady(witch). You need to tell the reader this.

And dear we need to know how she's feeling. after all this is a weird world so she might be having some awkward feelings and besides she has just left her house.

KEEP WRITING and do PM me more! Really interested to read more.