Of Wild Flowers-chapter 2 part 1

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chapter 2

Saturday 14th of August 2005, 1:00 am

I tried to scream but no sound came out. The car hit so hard I was sure it would crumple like a tin can, as Daddy’s beer can did when he had finished it. Surprisingly the car held together, though the whole drivers’ side almost disintegrated with the impact, the windscreen became riddled with cracks and a spray of blood appeared all over the inside. Glass and metal sprayed all over the road, coating the highway with tiny sparkling shards of glass and twisted, sharp daggers of metal.
A sharp searing pain lanced up my legs, I looked down and saw that they had been broken. My thighbones had gone through my skin; they were poking through my leggings. One missing my kneecap by millimetres, the other had snapped in the middle, a jagged end was poking upwards like a breaching whale, it was being held up by the other shard. It felt like ice fire was constantly racing up my legs with every breath, blood was starting to pour out from the wounds, like some grotesque red waterfall. It hurt to breathe, I think I might have broken some ribs, but it didn’t hurt as much as my legs did.
Somehow, part of the guardrail had passed through the windshield and through the passenger seat, missing me by inches, I was reasonably unscathed, but the same can’t be said for Mum, Dad and my favourite teddy bear. Dad’s entire left side was barely discernible, it looked almost like baby food, and his head was resting at an odd angle, I could see bone protruding from his chest, and what I thought were his arm, shoulder and leg. I almost threw up on the spot, but instead looked at Mum.
Bad ideaI thought and threw up on the seat next to me, or what was left of it. I looked at Mum again still feeling queasy; the guardrail had gone right through her and out the back of her chair, through my door snatching my teddy from my hands when we had hit. Mum looked terrible, but not as bad as Dad, apart from the fact that she had the guardrail in her chest, that her ribs were protruding and that her legs were swallowed up by the glove box and dashboard, you could say she looked perfectly normal. Her legs are just visible; I can see blood pouring down her legs. I just couldn’t stand the sight of blood and guts anymore and decided I would throw up again.
Excellent, I have a puddle of sick next to me, and blood and guts in front of me,I thought sarcastically, I looked around for my teddy. There. Not far away from me, so close I could almost reach him, the only problem was that he was hanging from the guardrail, he no longer had a chest either. I started to cry, tears pouring down my face dripping onto my white leggings. A spot of red appeared on my thigh, I stared at it through moist eyes. Another spot joined it and another, and another until a big dark circle of red was staining my leggings, and it was blooming outwards with every drop, reaching out towards the wounds in my legs. I put my hand to my head and felt a sticky wetness; I looked at my hand and saw it was covered in blood. My blood. I stared at it wondering if this was all a dream and put it back to my head, again I felt that sticky wetness and once again stared at my hand. I started to scream. I screamed so loudly that I thought they would hear me in space, but I didn’t care my teddy was gone, ‘dead’ but the worst of it both Mum and Dad looked dead. A cough stopped me screaming. It was Dad. He was alive! He coughed again, this time bringing blood with it, I could not believe it, he was alive, by all rights he should have died on impact.
“Daddy!” I shouted with joy forgetting my broken legs and tried to undo my seat belt to reach him and comfort him, red-hot pain coursed up my legs the moment I stirred. I couldn’t move not even to help my dying father, I started to feel the belt cutting into me, the more I moved the tighter it got, I could hardly breathe, the belt was restricting my movement and I probably had broken ribs.
“Stop…moving…baby…” he managed to say in between coughs, more blood splattered down his chest, he started to mumble something under his breath, I couldn’t hear it,
“Daddy, are you ok, what’s going on, why are you mumbling, is something wrong?” I asked nervously and anxiously stretched out my hand, trying to be close to him.
He coughed out a laugh, “No I’m not ok baby, your mother is dead and I’m going to join her soon, we just crashed but don’t worry people will come soon,” he said, bringing up more blood with every word. When he finished talking his entire chest was glistening with blood, not that it wasn’t already red. Every time he breathed or spoke blood would shoot out of the wound in his chest, splattering the windscreen with more blood,
“No Daddy, don’t say that! Your gonna make it! You have to, you can’t leave me!” I said nearly yelling, almost on the verge of crying again. I looked about and saw the dark shapes of animals approaching, the smell of fresh blood too easy to miss. I saw those yellow eyes again, only they weren’t approaching with the others, they just sat there as the others slinked closer.
“Dad, you have to stay with me, there are things coming towards us,” I said my voice trembling, the only way I knew Dad was still alive was by the wheezing as he struggled to breathe with lungs that were punctured and filling with blood by the second.
“Baby, I need you to cover your ears and close your eyes, I love you so much but I have to go,” he said pleadingly, tears starting to drip down his face. I blew him a kiss and did as he said and my eyelids lit up as a flash of white light randomly appeared. When the light had faded and I could see without spots dancing on my eyelids I opened my eyes and removed my hands from my ears. I looked around trying to see the eyes that I knew should be there, but they were gone,
“Daddy they’re gone, they’ve run away!” I yelled with glee, I noticed that something was missing. Dads’ wheezing. I looked at him and saw that he had left me; his eyes had started to glaze over with a white film that comes with death. I started to cry, a torrent of tears streaming down my face, I never thought that I could cry so much, but I just couldn’t stop. I bawled, screamed and pounded my fists into the back of Mum’s seat, I wanted them to come back, I didn’t want to be left alone. I think I cried for a good five minutes.
After a while when I was all cried out, I hiccupped a little and I looked out fearing the animals would come back for me and noticed a dark hooded shape was walking away from the car,
“Hey! Where are you going, why don’t you help me?” I yelled at the retreating back, not a good idea, it stopped and turned around; I got a feeling that it was not normal. The thing pointed to itself, I nodded, shaking like a leaf and it started to walk back towards the car. I realized that the leaves weren’t crunching under the things’ feet, the thing was walking on the ground, but it was like it was weightless. I studied the thing as it came back, I noticed that the thing had something hanging from the things’ belt, and something was pointing from over the things’ shoulder. He had skulls hanging from his belt I realized (I was sure that it was a he now), I shuddered and focused on the thing above his shoulder. On one side following not far behind him were two ravens and on his other side from over his shoulder was a scythe hanging from a strap on his back, I noticed that he was carrying two heads in his hand, they looked fresh, I realized that they were Mum and Dad. I looked at their body’s in the car, they still had their heads yet this creature was holding an exact replica of their heads, I puzzled over this as he came closer.
While the heads hanging from his belt had looks of pain for expressions, Mum and Dad had a look of peace on their faces. Oh my god! He is The Grim Reaper. Death, I realized with a start, I hurriedly tried to bow, but found it difficult as the seat belt was still cutting into me and my broken legs were starting to throb. Death nodded his head in my direction at my attempted bow, acknowledging that I knew who he was. He continued to walk towards me; I started to struggle as he came closer.
Do not worry dear child, I only collect the heads of those who are going to die or are already dead, you said you needed help so I have come to do so, he whispered in my mind, his voice was like satin, slipping over my mind like water on rock. My head shot up, and I looked at him,
You can read my mind, I thought only Mum and Dad could do thatI replied trying to remain calm, slightly interested.
It may seem like that but all us gods and higher beings can read and speak mind to mind with each other Death said with a chuckle,
What do you classify as higher beings as? I asked curious,
I had a feeling that he looked at me as if I was stupid or something, as if I should know what the answer was, I looked down embarrassed.
Why do you collect heads? I asked changing the subject,
I collect heads for two reasons, one. I collect heads because it is my duty as The Grim Reaper, Guardian of the Dead to collect the heads of those dead or dying and two. because I have a feeling that I have a rather lack of them, he said with a laugh and with that swept off his hood, I gasped in horror as I stared at a severed spinal column,
I see what you meanI replied dryly and slightly disgusted, but I really did see, I stared at the spot where a head should have rested. I had to force myself not to throw up again.
I shuddered and said well seeing as you have come to aid me, would you like to please remove this belt as I am finding it increasingly harder to breathe.
As you wish ma’am, he replied and with that, he swept his hood up, reached for the scythe, brought it out of its sheath, and cut neatly across the belt all in one smooth movement, so that the belt fell away from me. He did not even cut my shirt that had a picture of Marvin the Martian on it.
Thank you very muchly, , I said rubbing my chest where the belt had been cutting into it, I was generally grateful to be able to breathe again.
Death nodded and asked Is there anything else I could do for you?
Um… yes, there is actually, in fact, there are three things you could do for me, if it is not too much of a hassle,I replied suddenly anxious. He ‘nodded’ for me to go on.
Well the first thing is, would you allow me to talk to my Mum and Dad before you go, the second thing is could you fix my legs, and the third thing is would you be able to get the emergency vehicles to come please? I asked in a rush, afraid that he would leave me.
The emergency vehicles are already on their way here, but I don’t know about you talking to your Mum and Dad as it’s up to them, plus I don’t know how to fix bones and I don’t have much time as I need to go before sun up, he replied and waved his hand in the direction of the road. I nodded slightly downcast and looked in the direction he waved. Sure enough, the flash of several blue and red lights accompanied by sirens were approaching, rapidly.
Well what’s the time, because if it is that early then would it be better if I spoke to them tonight? I asked glancing at the skyline, sure enough; the sky had started to turn the gray that heralded the approaching dawn,
Well the time is roughly ten past one, give or take a few minutes, and I could arrange for them to talk to you tonight but it really is up to them when and if they want to talk to you, if not I will send you a message, he promised nodding his ‘head’ at my idea,
Well then, I guess you had better get on your way, as the emergency crews are almost here, I suggested
Yes, you are quite right, but first, I must mark you for several reasons, which are mostly too complicated for you to understand now, but perhaps when you are older I might visit and tell you, he said.
Ok,I said warily
Oh do not worry, it will not hurt too much he said reassuringly, all I’m going to do is tell one of my ravens to follow you so I can keep an eye on you and I’m going to cut you over the heart but it will heal don’t worry,he said,
But it will scar, he added
Gee thanks, I replied sarcastically, but let him do as he said anyway. True to his word, he called one of his ravens over and said something to it, placed it on my shoulder and used a knife from his boot to make a ragged cut over my heart, it looked like it had happened during the accident.
This is Munin, he will remember everything that happens around you, if he dies than I will send his brother Hugin to you, Hugin will help you whatever happens, he explained
Won’t a raven sitting on my shoulder seem a bit suspicious?I asked worried.
Do not worry child I have already thought of that, only I can see it Death said reassuringly and with that, he took two steps back and vanished.
I felt slightly sad now that Death’s comforting presence was gone. Something was digging into my side, I looked down and pulled out a knife, Death’s boot knife I realized with a start as I saw miniature skulls embedded into the handle, the skulls looked like the shrunken heads that you find in the old museums from places like Europe and such.
The handle was made of bone as well, laced with gold and Ebony, a rare tree that comes out of Southern Asia; it was really a nice looking knife. It fit my hand perfectly, almost, the handle was just a wee bit big for me, but at least I had something other than a cut and a raven to remember Deaths visit by. I looked at Dad and Mum. How agonized they looked, I reached out and closed their eyes for them, as I had seen done in movies.
That is better; they look at peace now I thought.
The emergency vehicles swiftly went from one side of the median strip to the other and set up a perimeter one kilometre around the crash, blocking one lane of traffic. The police immediately jumped out of their cars, placed orange cones around the crash, and set to work directing the flow of traffic around it all. As the ambulance officers scurried over towards me, I anxiously looked for a place to hide the knife,
Do not worry child. I have made it look like it’s a pocketknife you found in the suitcase. It looks like you used it to saw at the seat belt, Deaths’ reassuring voice told me, sure enough the suitcase that was under my feet had a pocket open.
You think of everything don’t you?I asked amusedly
Yes, well when you get to my age you will have picked up a few things along the way, besides in my job you have to think of everything, now I must leave you, he said laughing and I felt him leave my mind.
The ambulance officers reached the tangled remains of the car and started poking around, it was a while before they saw me, or maybe it was the knife as they recoiled as they noticed me,
“Hi, how are you?” I said scaring them out of their wits; it was as if they had never seen an thirteen year old in a car before.
“Oh, hello, my name is Josh,” one of the ambulance officers said recovering from the shock faster than the others, by the look of things he was the youngest one there,
“Hi Josh, my name is Trish,” I replied in the most polite voice I could manage, Josh nodded,
“How you are feeling?” he continued,
“Um, to tell the truth not to good,” I said and passed out, falling into the hands of Josh and a female officer.
Last edited by snoopysoap on Fri Jan 07, 2011 7:37 am, edited 3 times in total.
Imagination is more important than knowledge. knowledge is limited, imagination encircles the world-Albert Einstine
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience-Fool
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Hey snoopysoap! Lauren here, I just reviewed the prologue so here it goes!
(I'm going to kind of review this as I read, so my overall impression will be at the end...)

I mentioned this in my last review, watch the comma usage. It gets to be rather distracting and makes some of the sentences sound awkward.

In the first paragraph starting Saturday: One of Trish's thoughts is in italics, but another one isn't. They should both be in italics.

Ariana seemed to be concentrating wholeheartedly on her food, just like her twin Evei; they are identical twins, with hair that is a light woody brown, always seen in a tight bun. With high sloping foreheads, both have predominant cheekbones, complete with curves in every right place, they are 10 (going on 11 in 2 months time).

However, the most intriguing thing is their eyes, they are the most un-identical thing they have, Ariana’s eyes are forget-me-not blue, like the deep, mottled blues of the sea, and the light, shady blues that are peak of the sky. As for Evei, well her eyes are a deep, shade of green, like the deep, patchy green of a forest and the light, dappled greens of a meadow. Out of the two, I would have to say that Evei is the cheeky joker, the tomboy, the small punk that tries to be more than they seem. While Ariana is the, smart, mature, upstart, snob, the girly girl that you find in every family.

This is one major info-dump of details. When describing characters it is most important to show things rather than tell things, and to only include the most important characteristics. Try to appeal to the five senses. Maybe Evei's hair is falling out of her usually tight bun, always identical to her twins? Things like that make these necessary descriptions more interesting to read.


She does not like being told of her husbands deficiencies. Whenever I tell her these things, I don’t ever get off lightly.

husband's

“Well Isolde said that you were ‘becoming more stressed the longer you stayed cooped up here, as we only go out once every 2-3 months.’

two to three. Numbers under 100 are always written out.

The sex scene
My first reaction: what the heck?! Firstly, it did not at all seem like they were that close. It felt like they were just having sex for the sake of having sex. No matter what anyone says, this is not the case in teenagers. Especially teenagers who have apparently been through as much trauma as these two. And Trish was just saying how "if they weren't half-siblings she would tell him he's cute". Then she completely jumps telling him he's cute and goes right to sleeping with him. It's just not realistc. Not to mention, it seemed as if they weren't the quietist bunch. Unless the walls are reinforced with steel plating, I don't think they could have gone unnoticed in a house with so many people.

I could see kissing, I could see making out, I could even see them just announcing their feelings to each other.

Pretty much, it's just not realistic. Maybe if they were already romantically involved, or if they at least knew they liked each other. But they didn't. People don't just randomly have sex with their half siblings.

I'm sorry if that seemed a bit harsh, or ranty. It just really caught me off guard and was so unrealistic. Just think about this scene long and hard, and make it as realistic as possible.

My last comment is on the last two paragraphs. They randomly switch to Eric's point of view. It took me a minute to figure ot it had switched too. Unless there is going to be a significant portion of the novel from his point of view, leave out the switch.

I did really enjoy several parts of this. The whole things with Rags in the tree was very interesting, and the similarities between their parents' deaths was nice. It has potential, but the whole sex thing...eh, it's not working for me. Also, watch your descriptions. Give less info, and give it interestingly. Remember the five senses. A lot of it would be okay as is, as long as it is cut down a bit. It's okay to give description as the story progresses, it doesn't all have to be at the beginning.

Keep writing! If you have any questions about anything, or desire another review sometime, feel free to PM me.

-Lauren-
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yeah i wasn't to sure if this bit was to early,
now as you were saying, half-siblings don really have sex and stuff but remember they aren't related they are just 'half-siblings' because the y have the same mum looking after them but they're not related, plus Trish is very confused about her feelings for Eric but Eric likes Trish and he knows that Trish likes him back same with Trish she knows Eric likes her and likes him in return, yes its a bit confusing i must agree.
i have continued with the Rags thing, so i will edit it momentarily. just so you know i have a thing with typos, i just don't know that they are there until someone tells me about them so please be as harsh as possible.
thanks for the advice, i will try to use the whole 5 senses thing, thanks for reviewing!

Soap :D
Imagination is more important than knowledge. knowledge is limited, imagination encircles the world-Albert Einstine
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience-Fool
need a review? just PM me!



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