Elemental Thirteen Prologue (Rewritten)

Okay, so I've already posted this twice, but, now I have got it! Tell me if this is good...Its been rewritten so many times.

Prologue

“Please, don’t leave me,” the man whispered. “You know I won’t be able to raise them by myself. They need a mother.”
“But I can’t be their mother Richard,” she murmered. She looked down, her blue eyes brimming with tears. The blue silken cloak showed her slim, curvy form perfectly.
“Yes you can, Ozean, we can move. I’ll do whatever it takes, to keep you and them safe.”
Ozean looked up. “No. That won’t stop her.”
“Then what will?” Richard yelled. “No matter what I say you will always have an excuse to leave!” He grabbed at her wrist. His grip felt like ice, his hands were freezing. Ozean closed her eyes. He slowly pulled her into an embrace. Her blue hood fell back, revealing blond hair cascading down her back.
“Don’t leave,” he whispered.
“You know I don’t want to.”
“Then don’t, stay with me.”
“But, Richard, you know I can’t. Please, just take care of them. That’s the most you can do. And…” Ozean paused, slowly pulling away from Richard. Her blue slippers didn’t make a sound on the hardwood floor as she walked to the door. Her slender fingers grasped the doorknob and she slowly turned it.
“Don’t tell them about me.”
“What?”
Ozean didn’t look back. “Promise, that you won’t tell them about me.”
“I…” Richard paused. He cast one last look at Ozean before he turned the other way. “I promise.”

~^~^~^~^~

“Valarie, don’t you want to keep them?”
The woman in the green cloak winced at the alias. Her shoulders slowly began to shake. She looked up into the man’s brown eyes. She nodded. “I…I can’t keep them. No matter how much I want them.”
The man nodded. “I understand, they’ll be safe here.”
“Jake, just,” the woman sighed. “Don’t call me Valarie anymore. Call me by my real name.”
“But Val-”
“No. Call me Verdo.”
Jake’s eyes squinted slightly. “Alright, Verdo.” He pulled Verdo into an embrace. He pushed back her hood and kissed her on top of her wavy auburn hair. “I’ll take good care of them.”
“Thank you so much Jake.”

~^~^~^~^~

“The children are gone Cisne,” Verdo said, bowing to a woman in silver. Cisne fiddled with her blond braid and sighed. She walked around the green clearing, humming a tune. Her lips slowly began to move and the words flowed from her mouth.

Tredecim annus,
vox quondam iterum ero plenus
Incendia , Unda , Sero , quod Glacies,
Ero recidivus

Verdo slowly began singing along, tears runninng down her cheeks. She felt warm arms wrap around her and saw her sister, Ozean, tears filling her eyes as well. Two other women slowly appeared. Silver hair perched on one’s shoulders, and her eyes were so blue they were almost like ice. The second had firey red hair licking her neck like flames. Her bright blue eyes were like flames in the darkness.
Ozean and Verdo slowly walked over to the other two, who were embracing. They threw their arms around them and they all fell to their knees, tears overwhelming them. Cisne fiddled with her braid, tears rolling down her own cheeks. A gentle whisper rang through the air, coming from her slightly parted lips, “Ero recidivus…”

Hey Forest,

This was a bit bulky. It takes a bit too much attention to understand it for a prologue. That's not necessarily bad, but it is with a prologue. You're meant to give us something to be interested in and to invest emotion and time in. Then we'll *want* to keep track of all the other language et cetera.

I'm getting the feeling that this is like a retelling of another story from long ago that I don't know about. So excuse me if I don't understand what you're getting at here. Are those five sisters by the way? What connection do they have with each other? Where do they meet? Hoods and then bowing and then latin? this is getting a bit confusing.

Whatever the case, I did like the writing. And when I concentrated, the whole piece altogether. But you haven't given us a full taste of what the story will be about. If I had to tell someone what I'd just read, would I describe it word for word or could I make an outline? Well Done.

Fly On,
Write On,
Hero.

Hey Emily, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

“Please, don’t leave me,” the man whispered. “You know I won’t be able to raise them by myself. They need a mother.”

"The man" seems a bit redundant here. Would "he" not do?

The blue silken cloak showed her slim, curvy form perfectly.

Slim and curvy?

Her blue hood fell back, revealing blond hair cascading down her back.

Okay, if it was already cascading, then she wouldn't be able to wear her hood. If it was piled up on top of her head, at this point it would fall, so it couldn't be revealed as cascading already. If I make sense.

She nodded. “I…I can’t keep them. No matter how much I want them.”

Is nodding the right gesture here? I get confused with negative questions. But I think shaking might be more appropriate?

Tredecim annus,
vox quondam iterum ero plenus
Incendia , Unda , Sero , quod Glacies,
Ero recidivus

Ignore me, I'm going to try translate this? Thirty years, voice which I... something? Fire, earth... wind? as well as ice? I (what does ero mean? I can't remember) re-something.

Gosh, I rock at Latin.

Silver hair perched on one’s shoulders, and her eyes were so blue they were almost like ice. The second had firey red hair licking her neck like flames. Her bright blue eyes were like flames in the darkness.

Telling!

Alright.

II. OVERALL

Overall, it wasn't too bad. It was a little bit clichéed, I'm not going to lie, and I felt that the goodbyes were a little understated. Sometimes, it's too difficult to write that kind of thing, and it is possible to just avoid it. As well, I'm wondering what the point of this prologue is, what it has told me that your story won't be able to tell me later. You need to make me believe that this is important, that this is wonderful. I think you need to throw us in at the deep end a little more, if you're going to do a prologue. If you're going to do a Chapter One, be progressive. But why is this prologue here, and what is its point? That's what I want you to prove to me.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Hey there Forest.

I really did enjoy this for the writing and such. It was very intruiging and interested me in finding more about everything. The only problem was that this is supposed to be a prologue, and its a bit bulky for a prologue.

I was really more confused with this as a prologue than anything else. Now these are three very excellent pieces, but there is barely any given reason why they all fit together than the same characters are involved in them. I could see all of these better as seperate chapters, and they would be very very good chapters. But as it was I am confused and less interested in reading on than I should be considering the intruiging plot that is hinted at here.

My suggestion would be to scrap the prologue altogether and just get on with the story. But, of course, I'm not a big fan of prologues to begin with. They're just very hard to do well. Maybe what you could do instead is take these three pieces and break them into the first three chapters? They don't have to be long chapters. Or perhaps only one of these three sections could be the focus of the prologue?

*shrugs* You're the writer, I'm leaving it up to your talent to decide. But as it is, I'm not entirely impressed with the prologue as a prologue.

Yeah, I was a bit confusing... If you have any questions, definitely PM me and maybe I can make it a bit clearer. But very good writing! It was enjoyable to read in the pieces, just confusing altogether.

Keep writing!

-Lauren-

Hello!

I don't understand the italics part and that's bothering me. Scrolled down, skimmed, saw sthing in (maybe) Latin, went "oooh", but there's not aserisk or whatnot and translation. I don't know what it means! Ignorance, you know, breeds hatred.

I don't like it, shoot me.

OK, the first part. It was clearly meant to be a terribly emotional piece - mother leaving her children and all that, AND she's confronting her husband (maybe), prolly the father of the children. Cool beans.

Part I is made up of almost solely dialogue, and so the whole burden of making it emotional falls mostly on that dialogue. There's yelling, crying, whispers. But I didn't really link, relate... (maybe actually seeing those children would help? not just speaking of them). There has to be more than those tags (and pauses). Pain! Pain's good. Show us pain, outward (and not only tears) - oh, I don't know, contorted face, tense one, wild eyes, breathing/heart rate. Description by a narrator veering toward character POV is wonderful. A depressed person, would, e.g. see no joy in sthing a happy one would.

Here I'd like to suggest atmosphere generation by more than just dialogue, but at the same time say that, with regard to length of the part (and harping about dialogue), a lot of words were focused on solely clothing descriptions - and only of her. Which is fine since she seems to be the dominant character here and would take up more viewtime. But I don't think I like the clothing descriptions at all. They didn't play any vital role. I didn't care at all. So what if she was dressed in blue?

Link between Ozeon and Verdo: both have hoods. That kind of struck me before I pieced together that they're both leaving behind something important to them. And while I could kind of relate to Richard, Jake was just an empty name.

See, these situations are much too alike to be read in quick succession and have still a big emotional impact. If you decide to keep these, I think they'd work better if they were different from each other - I understand the children loss part would have to be kept, since it's an intergal part to th eplot, but as much as you can, make it different. Different sense of place, different sort of love... Part II is basically a weaker repetition, an echo of Part I.

Anyhow, for this reason, the ground beneath existence justification is shaky.

quote:
“Thank you so much Jake.”
Doesn't push any sort of plot forward. Doesn't characterize - might at a stretch think of character, oh, grateful. Gracious. Whatnot.

That's one sentence plucked out of the post to basically show my feelings about this in general. There are two weepy (I'm drowning) women loosing sthing important (both children? part II unclear) who meet up in part III and sing something I don't understand. Important things happen.

Just my opinion, but I'd clear parts I and II. That could easily be incorporated - and just mentioned? - in part III. And those important things could still happen and lose not at all of their importance.

Character names fantastic, love them

'Ello Forest!

slim, curvy

I don't think you can be both. I really think it's one or the other. You could say that she has curves, because that would imply that she's skinny, yet has big breasts and hips.

Characters

Character overload! So many names... so many descriptions, I don't really know what to say. It's fine to introduce these characters at once, but don't try to describe them all at once. Let the descriptions come later. All we need to know at the moment is that their girls. The more you use the character, the more you can say about their looks. Don't try to describe every little minor character, because that would be too confusing for us readers.

Plot

I know I've read one of your previous versions of this, but I'm still not completely sure what's going on. Are there two sets of children? That's basically the main thing I don't get. You should clarify, using names. Like the man in the beginning. Instead of saying "The children" say they were his children, so we know that they are the same.

I think you should stop stressing about the prologue (if you are) and get writing. If you aren't starting this because you can't get the prologue right, that's ridiculous. It will come in time. You can't write everything perfectly the first time. Stop stressing, and just write!

Questions/comments, PM me.

Classy