Ordinary

suicidallybeautiful wrote:Lets press ourlipstogether and watch the atmosphere catch fire << comma needed here >> burning the brightest green we've seen since the Hulk got angry. << the image of the Hulk is a little abrupt; it sounds un-thought-out. Try sticking with the natural imagery and replacing it with "since summer grass exploded" or something similar. >> We can s/n/a/p << s/n/a/p is slightly too disjointed -- how about sn / ap, or sna / p? It sounds like a cleaner, and therefore more effective, break. >> the i
c
i
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l
e
s << love this, very well done. >>
from outside my window and fight for my honor << just a passing comment, but why would she be fighting for her honor? >> before they both soak into my carpet.
I'll turn the Olympics on and let you tell me of GREATNESS and I'll n-o-d like I understand what it's like to make a difference. << that last sentence is gorgeous. >>
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"You ignite the clouds out side my window. I watch them smolder like wrapping paper during Christmas spilling pine scented rain onto my roof." << this dialogue doesn't sound remotely realistic to me. Perhaps it's not supposed to, but in my mind it would read a lot easier if the metaphors were simpler, shorter -- more like this next bit of dialogue. >>

"I can see you dance in the rain with out looking" << this is much more realistic, much more sentimental. >>
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I won't let you know I'm ordinary.
You will brush my shoulders with your breath but I will feel the tingles in my toes, sneaking through my socks.
You can't know I'm ordinary, but you're too special for me to keep to

myself. << lovely end. >>