The Psychic Life of Rose Wheeler: Chapter Four

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I dressed into dry clothes and headed down the stairs. I went exploring for my father and Shane. I popped my head into the most modern looking room: the kitchen. It had stainless steel appliances and granite counter tops. I wondered over to the biggest fridge I've ever seen. After I grabbed the milk, I danced my way over to the island. I set down the milk and looked around in the cabinets for some cereal. After looking in every cabinet- which was filled with eery possible food available- I turned around to the milk.

Thump!

I fell to the floor after hittimg a hard object. "Ouch," I mumbled. I looked to see what I had run into. It was a man, well, more of a teenager. It wasn't my brother.

"Who the hell are you?" I asked as I got up. I stared at the boy. He had brown hair, cut short, and the brightest blue eyes I have ever seen.

"Rose, that is no way to treat your guest." said the boy.

"What the hell are you talking about 'being my gues' because I sure as hell didn't invite you here." I said as I backed away. I forgot where the knife drawer was, dammit.

He laughed a cold laugh. "Of course you didn't. I'm your neighbor. My name is Alex Carter. My father is talking to your dad about school tomorrow. The arrangments, and everything. Apparently you and I are going to the same school." He smiled at me. He had backed me into the corner, the small of my back pressed against the edge of the granite counter tops.

"Oh. Well then," I said.

"Oh. So now your being nice to me." He said getting even closer to me.

Our noses were only inches apart. "Ah, ah, ah. You didn't let me finish." I said waving my pointer finger around and in his face.

"Okay then, finish." Our noses were practically touching. his breath smelled sweet. It was tempting, but I wouldn't give in just yet.

"Back the hell off." I said quietly. He backed away with his hands up in a surrendering motion.

"Fiesty. I like it." He said. "Oh, you're probably looking for these." He set down Count Chocula cereal on the island next the milk.

I muttered my thanks and moved on to find the bowls. As I rummaged through the cabinets, Alex tapped me on the shoulder.

"What?" I said. My voice sounded exsasperated, but I don't care. I turned around to give him the evil eye. But when I turn around he was holding a bowl with a spoon swing around the edges.

"Now you're useful." I mumbled my thanks once again and turned around to pour my cereal.
"The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." -Lucille Ball




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'Ello once again! TheNewHero here for a review. *Fergie voice* Let's get it started...

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Woah! Shakey beginning! Two mistakes too many as well.

I dressed into dry clothes and headed down the stairs. I went exploring for my father and Shane. I popped my head into the most modern looking room: the kitchen. It had stainless steel appliances and granite counter tops. I wondered over to the biggest fridge I've ever seen. After I grabbed the milk, I danced my way over to the island. I set down the milk and looked around in the cabinets for some cereal. After looking in every cabinet- which was filled with eery possible food available- I turned around to the milk.

Thump.

I fell to the floor after hittimg a hard object.


This is full of action, and yet so void... (Please note, I am overreacting) But I would change it though:
:arrow: Lose the simple sentences - that's for action scenes. You could some this up in to sentences, three if you're feeling a tad lazy.
:arrow: Why the milk? I felt this was just an excuse to get to the next point. Yes, people will occasionally look for milk when they move into a new house... but there are other things too.
:arrow: I fell to the floor after hittimg a hard object. NO NO NO :D This has to GO GO GO. You didn't say what she hit so that turned me away. But in the next sentence...! NOPE > in the next sentence we see she hit a boy/man/guy. Here you said object. You're jumbling our thoughts. Rather just say I fell to the floor, italicize the Thump and we'll understand ;)

Apart from that, everything was fine. I'm not too sure about the ending though. Here's a tip: this is the first dialog Rose has with someone she doesn't know - make sure it depicts her accurately. She has no experience with this person. We see that she is hostile. If that's so, she'll have to be hostile to all the people that tease her (There will be teasing I suspect) and that will get her in serious trouble sometimes. If this is Rose, then well done, if not, beware...

Well done either way!

Fly On,
Write On,
TheNewHero.



Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
— Mark Twain