Clear Vision

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I spend half of lunch before I notice him. He is standing against the wall staring at me. Kaylan, the most gorgeous person I have ever met face to face. Ripped and colored skinny jeans, Vans, tight band shirts, gauges and plaid scarves. Brown emo hair, tortured green eyes, angular features and slightly red cheeks. This is eighteen year old Kaylan, sexy, irresistible, Kaylan.
Clean skinny jeans, preppy jackets, ballet flats, pearl earrings and French nails. Long blond hair, big blue eyes, full lips and perfect skin. This is me, fifteen year old, very pretty, very proper Scarlet.
Kaylan and I each have entirely different spheres. His consists of Screamo music and alternative bands, going to Hot Topic and smoking behind the school. Mine revolves around dance lessons and piano, being a regular at American Eagle and getting all A's. Our sphere's do not meet, they pass each other in the hall and try to star out of each other's path, they acknowledge the other's presence but don't react to it, they don't interact with each other under any circumstances- so why is he staring at me?
I try to ignore it, try to dismiss it as a glance by. He's probably not even looking at me specifically. I look up to prove my theory and am horrified. He is staring at me dead in the eyes and smiling. Years of etiquette classes unconsciously force me to return the smile, once I realize what I'm doing I look down and blush- picking at my salad. Why are good girls like me always attracted to the bad boys like him?
Is it because they provide and escape from our strict as nails life style? Because we feel the need to rebel? Rebel against what though? I dislike nothing about the way I am living. I like the structure, the discipline. Knowing what needs to be done and how to do it.
After a couple more bites I come to the conclusion that I am just unfortunately drawn to him by how exotic he is. I can't help it, it's not a medical condition I can suppress with enough pills. It's not a mental disorder I can work out through therapy. It's something more than that, it's a state of being and there is no visible light at the end of the tunnel.
The bell rings and I end up sitting in my next two classes still concentrating on how sincerely intoxicating his smile had been. Words flow out of the teachers mouth and incoherently in though my ears, not connecting to anything in my brain. My friends don't pay attention to my dazed state, they're too busy copying down notes.
I have almost forgotten the whole lunch room dilemma by the end of fifth period, but then as I'm walking down the hall towards my creative writing class I realize with a weird stab of excitement and anxiety that Kaylan will be in there with me.
The small table lamps scattered around the room provide a dim atmosphere that semi relaxed me. I go to sit down in my usual seat as our vibrant teacher bounds to the front of the room. He announces that today we will be giving our latest assignment to a partner to be edited.
I don't know whether it's fate or coincidence that I'm partnered up with him, but I am and he comes to sit next to me as everyone else moves about the room to read and discuss. The prompt yesterday was to write exactly what was on your mind at the moment and I hand mine unstably to Kaylan wishing I was a better writer. I start reading his and become consumed.

She doesn't see me, I'm invisible like a ghost on the wall of her perfect life. She doesn't see me, but I see her. I see her everyday; sitting in the commons, walking down the hall, eating her lunch, going out to her car. I see her happiness and her joy and sometimes I think I see her sadness even when she is ignorant of it. I see her and I can't help but love her. She makes happy just by smiling, when I hear her laugh it brightens my day.
To not love her would be unthinkable, but how can you love someone who is unaware of your existence. I wait, everyday and every night, for her vision to improve. I wait for her to put in the contacts that will allow her to see me properly. But what if she could see me? It's not like her world would make an exception for me, I'm to different, too messed up, too cliche. Does she realize I would change that all for her though? Does she realize that I would cut my hair, take out these God forsaken gauges and hell, even buy a suit?
She doesn't realize, and she doesn't know how much it hurts to wait but I have to hope, hope that someday some things will change because hope is all I have left.


By the time I finish reading my heart is pounding and I have to put down the paper because my hand is shaking so bad. Maybe I was wrong about him, maybe he isn't just some bad boy with a bad case of rebellious attitude. What if he's talking about me? What do I do then?
He sets down my paper and smiles at me.
"I liked it, especially the part about how your dreams about Robert Pattinson are starting to get more and more dramatic." he laughs and I can't resist smiling.
"Yours was really...really just beautiful." I say softly.
The teacher interrupts us and we spend the rest of the class sharing. Later the bell rings and I pack up my bag slowly, waiting until the other kids rush out of the room to start moving. Kaylan is walking right in front of me and my heart is pounding contemplating what I'm about to do. I have never taken a leap like this, never been so bold but I'm willing to risk it on him. Just as he's about to reach the doorway I stop him.
"Kaylan?"
He turns around with a sad type of smile that wrenches my heart.
"I see you now." I feel really, really dizzy now and I pray I won't faint.
He smiles and looks at me with the most adoring hue to his eyes.
"Finally."
These lies are leading me astray, it's too much for me to stay. I don't wanna live this destiny, it goes on endlessly. I see you so please stay strong, I'll sing you one last song and then I'm gone. I don't wanna live this destiny, it goes on endlessly.

This love this Hate- Hollywood Undead




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Whats the rating for this? I really want to read this up.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore




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Hmmm I guess around fouteen and up? Lol I'm not sure.
These lies are leading me astray, it's too much for me to stay. I don't wanna live this destiny, it goes on endlessly. I see you so please stay strong, I'll sing you one last song and then I'm gone. I don't wanna live this destiny, it goes on endlessly.

This love this Hate- Hollywood Undead




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Hey Violet, the name's Stella! Welcome to YWS, I hope you're finding your way around alright and all.

I. NITPICKS

Ripped and colored skinny jeans, Vans, tight band shirts, gauges and plaid scarves.


His dress sense has nothing to do with how he looks.

very pretty, very proper Scarlet.


You're modest.

Our sphere's do not meet,


No apostrophe.

and try to star out of each other's path,


stay.

I don't know whether it's fate or coincidence that I'm partnered up with him, but I am and he comes to sit next to me as everyone else moves about the room to read and discuss. The prompt yesterday was to write exactly what was on your mind at the moment and I hand mine unstably to Kaylan wishing I was a better writer. I start reading his and become consumed.


Okay, she just spent the past few hours obsessing over him. Give us more detail of what's actually happening here!

"Yours was really...really just beautiful." I say softly.


Confused about dialogue punctuation? Here!

Alright.

II. REALLY? I MEAN, REALLY?

I'm going to tell you something now, I am incredibly hard to be won over by cliché romance. I'm not using cliché in a bad sense, because it isn't necessarily bad, but that's what yours is, it's cliché. She sees him as perfect, he sees her as perfect, they're both so afraid the other won't notice them, but they do, they meet, there's electricity, they're both beautiful and talented...

Eurgh.

How many people does it actually work like that for? None! Firstly, considering they're three years apart in school, they wouldn't have much time to talk, and you give us the impression that they never have. So any connection is purely physical. Would you write about being in love with someone you knew only on a physical level? Especially if you were a teenage boy- would you talk about being in love at all? As well as that, he's emo, she's preppy, and as much as I don't do that whole clique thing, wouldn't they choose what they wanted to be based on why they don't like the others?

I'm not buying the whole love-at-first-sight thing. You've given them too many obstacles, age, interest, amount they know each other. You need to lessen the obstacles, or you need to find another way of starting off the romance, hopefully a more human one.

III. OVERALL

You obviously have wonderful talent with words, I just want to see you do something a little different with them.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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That Was REALLY good You've most definately got me interested PM me whenever you post more.
~Bri




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In a word: boring.
There is no conflict here worth noting in anything larger in influence than gossip and girl-talk. If this writing is intended for an article in Teen Cosmo, then okay. Your descriptions, juicy girl-talk, and mildly rebellious undertones fit it perfectly. And if so, then feel free to stop reading here.
****************
However! If you aspire to more, then read on. Stella has already touched on some of the mechanics, so I'll spare you that.

Ripped and colored skinny jeans, Vans, tight band shirts, gauges and plaid scarves. Brown emo hair, tortured green eyes, angular features and slightly red cheeks.

This line here is what limits this to anything more than gossip and Teen Cosmo. In five years' time, we may never know what you mean by Vans, gauges, emo hair. And what does it mean to have "tortured green eyes"? Oh, the pain of high school. Such torture.

His consists of Screamo music and alternative bands, going to Hot Topic and smoking behind the school. Mine revolves around dance lessons and piano, being a regular at American Eagle and getting all A's.

You can't just tell us who these characters are. It makes for extremely unimaginative, uninspiring, and unsatisfying writing. And furthermore, in light of these descriptions, the reader understands none of this through the rest of the narrative. He doesn't come off as a badass. She only barely comes off as a princess.

Is it because they provide and escape from our strict as nails life style? Because we feel the need to rebel? Rebel against what though? I dislike nothing about the way I am living. I like the structure, the discipline. Knowing what needs to be done and how to do it.

Again, a shallow dip into the mind of our heroine and a shallow analysis of herself. These words have little impact on our understanding of the character and the spirit doesn't come back ever again.

My friends don't pay attention to my dazed state, they're too busy copying down notes.

Run-on sentence.

our vibrant teacher bounds to the front of the room.

Rethink your word choice. This is far too cartoony considering the rest of the writing and is a stark contrast. In fact, you could very well leave it out entirely.

He announces that today we will be giving our latest assignment to a partner to be edited.
I don't know whether it's fate or coincidence that I'm partnered up with him, but I am and he comes to sit next to me as everyone else moves about the room to read and discuss. The prompt yesterday was to write exactly what was on your mind at the moment and I hand mine unstably to Kaylan wishing I was a better writer.

What proper creative writing teacher has peers edit a stream of consciousness, 10 line piece of writing? Why would a teacher suggest that something written in, I imagine, 5 minutes merit editing or that the content of the brain needs editing? The situation just seems contrived.

Regarding the bold part:
Is stalking supposed to be endearing? We get no sense that he's in love with her, only that he is obsessed with her (which, by the way, is not endearing). If she is turned on by being watched every minute of the day, then I suggest we delve into her mind to learn about her hangups. That could be a great story. He mentions nothing great about her, only that he is suffering because of her. It reads like a note found in the desk drawer of a kidnapper. I highly suggest you make him more romantic and less self-consumed.

I have to put down the paper because my hand is shaking so bad

The phrasing is weak. You should never have to put "so bad" or "real good" or "a lot" or "very much" on the end of any sentence. Use more striking verbs, instead. "I have to set the paper down because my hand is trembling." or "...because my hands felt weak."

my heart is pounding contemplating what I'm about to do.

Word usage. Good word, but hearts don't contemplate. That's not their job.

I feel really, really dizzy now

Again, weak phrasing. The second "really" contributes nothing more than the first "really" and is unnecessary. Explore different ways to convey meaning. "The blood rushes to my head" or "My legs feel weak" or "My mind is cloudy and my words feel like they're spilling from my mouth."

the most adoring hue to his eyes.

What? Did his eyes just change color? What is an "adoring hue" even mean for eyes?

You've got some good descriptions, and you want to get in the mind of your protagonist. However, you need to work on making your words resonate with emotion, not just rely on dictionary terms and plain statements.




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I don’t believe for one second that they are in love, and that’s my biggest problem. The way Scarlet describes him is so materialistic. It seems the only thing she sees in him is his fashion sense. She went on and on about the COLOR of his eyes and the DESIGN of his scarf and the BRAND of his shoes. It was easy to see that she knew absolutely nothing about him, and that he knew nothing about her, besides how they each tried to fit into their respected stereotypes.

And as for the plot, it was predictable and boring. After you mentioned the pairing up, I knew exactly what was going to happen. It would’ve been awesome if you would’ve surprised us with something completely unexpected, like I kept thinking about what if Scarlet never said “I see you.” If instead, she would’ve gotten closer to him as a friend, all the while thinking the poem was meant for her, and then find out it was about someone else all along. At least that was what I was looking for.

I must compliment you on how you use words, though. I can tell you are a very good writer, even if this story wasn’t my cup of tea.

Oh, and it might just be me, but is Kaylan a girl name?
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk



For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.
— Audrey Hepburn