Lorelei

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Second attempt. =p


I laughed, fingering the beautiful array of gems in the palms of my hands, rubbing my forefingers over their smooth surfaces. I looked back at the jewelry store, the cops buzzing around the broken glass I had effortlessly popped out of its frame. At the sobbing store owner, who was on her knees with her head in her plump hands. The corners of my lips turned up of their own accord as I thought of how these idiotic recruits would never trace the evidence back to me.
Typical.
But how can I blame them? I was just that good. I stashed the precious stones in the midnight black pack on my shoulders and stood on the thin pole that held a bright, yellow sign declaring tomorrow as the New Year’s Annual Cooking contest. I tossed my auburn curls over my shoulders and turned on my heel. I bent down, let the energy store in my calves, and unfurled my body into the lush, cool air. My hands, covered in ugly scratches and scars from years of my trade, wrapped around another thin pole about five feet away with the same flag as the one now behind me and pulled myself onto the ledge of the local grocery store.
I balanced on the balls of my feet, tip-toeing carefully across the building shrouded in darkness, the jewelry store having leeched the light for its own purposes. Like catching me. I stopped at the opposite side of the concrete roof and leaned over slightly, eyeing the cars settled soundlessly on the sides of the streets. It was only three in the morning, and on any normal day teens would have been driving around drunk as could be. But tonight anyone on the road would have to deal with some serious chewing out, so people kept off the streets. All because of ‘lil ‘ol me.
I grinned and gripped the cold steel of the ladder beneath my feet and quietly slid down to the alley that housed drug dealers and card-board boxes that doubled as homes for scraggly, old, pathetic people. My feet hit the dirty, grimy concrete and I couldn’t help grimace at the thought of the bacteria swarming around my shoes.
Disgusting.
I made my way towards the back of the alley, swatting at the hands begging for money. I kicked my foot out, looking for my black duffel bag and managed to kneel by the side of it without placing my knees on the dirt. I unzipped the bag and picked through the throwing knives and daggers for my delicate, dainty, ruffled dress.
I dragged it out by the back, the tip of one of multiple daggers snagging the sleeve. I narrowed my eyes in the darkness and tried to discern the damage it had done, and to my knowledge, found only a small tear in the left sleeve, up by the shoulder. Shedding my black tights and sweater, I stepped into my dress and fitted on some blue ballet flats, laying my clothes carefully over my weapons.
I stood and hefted the weight of my bag onto my right shoulder, slumping slightly underneath the weight of it at first. I straightened my shoulders and lifted my chin as I pushed my way through the dark. Stepping out of the alley, I managed to make my way down Rock Avenue without getting noticed. My dress played in the wind as if it didn’t give a damn about flashing the men and prostitutes on the street, and it was all I could do to clutch the fabric angrily and hold it to my thighs.
“’Scuse me miss, may I have a minute?” I started at the deep throaty voice of a man that had managed to slip behind me and keep up with my fast pace. I worked my molars and turned to the man, forcing my muscles to oblige my commands and smile.
“Just trying to get home after a long day of dance, sir.” I said as politely as I could. I hefted my duffel bag a bit higher. The metal in my bag shifted and groaned, and I was tempted to wince but knew that giving up the control of my appearance would break me. The man looked at my duffel bag curiously and scratched at the ragged, unkept mustache above his lip.
“What’cha got in there little lady?” The man kept his eye on my bag and rubbed at his loose blue jeans that hung from his thin hips. I turned on my heel then, not wanting a confrontation. I walked a few feet but that was all the man would tolerant because his beefy, sweaty palm reached out and made a grab at the straps on my shoulder.
My temper flared as I turned and shoved my palm flat against his chest, hard. He stumbled back, obviously surprised at the strength that coiled in my arms and legs. He recovered quickly though and yanked up his pants before he made a grab at me. I twisted out of his reach when he lunged and brought my hand down against his back. He was off-balance enough to tumble to the rough graphite. Not wanting to take any chances, I bent down and grabbed the collar of his shirt, pulling him up, and delivered a swift blow to his right temple.
I pushed the toe of my shoe into his side a couple of times before proceeding to grab his legs and drag him backwards towards the alley. A frightened homeless man gathered up his box and shuffled out of the area while I made a small nest of newspapers to drop the man into. I stepped back and glared at him. “Stupid.”
I made my way back out onto the street and was soon at a pay phone. I slid three quarters into the designated slot and dialed the number of an old friend.
“Yo, Terrance speaking.”
“Dear Lord Terrance, I wish you would stop speaking like you were fifteen.”
“Haha, hey Lorelei! How’re the girls hangin’?”
I rolled my eyes and leaned against the cheap metal. “I need a ride.”
There was a slight pause before Terrance spoke again. “Where you at?”
I turned and eyed the brick pizza store on the corner. “Joe’s Pizza place. In uhm, Iowa.”
“What the fuck Lori? You want me to send a plane out to Iowa and pick you up, and you give me no prior knowledge?”
I crossed one arm over my chest and with my right hand held the phone to my ear. “Terrance, please. I’ll make it worth your time.”
Again, a pause. “It’d better be worth it Lorelei.” The line cut dead and I smirked, placing the phone on the receiver. Terrance tried to act like some bad-ass, but he really wasn’t as bad as he liked to appear.
Run, Devil, Run.




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I like this and I'd love to read your next installment.
It's intriguing, interesting and written well.
There are a few minor nit-picks and I suggest you read your work out-loud to iron them out.

“Terrance, please. I’ll make it worth your time.”
This line felt a little out of place to me, I don't know much about the character yet but this line suggests that she'll give him sexual favours? I may be wrong but if I am, I can't be the only person interpreting it this way??

Anyway, good story. Any questions or anything PM me :)
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Hey,

I'm not gonna go over everything I would just like to give you one piece of advice. Work on sentence structure variety. Since I struggle with this as well I know how important it is. Within your story were so many sentences starting with the letter I. I (lol) know it's hard, but just try your best because it does become repetitive.
"If the king doesn't lead, how can he expect his subordinates to follow?"




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Hello,

I once had a character named Lorelei haha - or something similar, I forget now. Kind of sad, that.

Pfft I was so first with my review! Now I see that someone commented on sentence structure, too. We're a harping bunch, aren't we?


_

Eh, forefingers. Keep it at plain old fingers, will you? I actually stopped here and looked at my hand to find forefingers. I'd tell you not to use teh word because it has an expert-whatever ring to it, but I'd laugh if anyone told me that - so I'll stop at saying, whoever says forefingers?!

So, the MC comes off as arrogant, which I think was the object, yes? Well done.

quote:
Typical.


quote:
I was just that good.


quote:
All because of ‘lil ‘ol me
.
Blah. Those apostrophes look despicable.

quote:
leeched the light for its own purposes. Like catching me.

Hah.

quote:
Disgusting.


What leaks out of all this is a personality, a unique voice so horribly important to first person. These are examples ripped out of the piece - occasional phrases and words that do the job expertly. Me never being satisfied, I'd like to see this spread to descriptions, world-view o fthe MC :)

On the other hand, can she just bash people around and can the author justify it by saying: "and her temper flared?" I mean, wouldn't there be any ramifications of any kind if she did that... The way it's portrayed, it's not out of order, unusual for her, and that begs so many questions and complaints.

Someone annoys her and she does sthing like that.

It's a nice show of strength and character, but isn't the price a bit too steep? We also get this Mary-Sure, I'm-the-best-and-I-have-super-hero powers without the superhero (got tired of putting in dashes). Eh. Someone pisses her off and she gets to do stuff like that. Mary-Sure, violent, but still a version of Mary-Sure. Too easy things are for her!!

The opening scene ends kind of fast, too fast for my taste. I'd like to see it expanded. Owner comment - superb (subtly demeaning other characters while not outright insulting them is good). But I'd like to see more of it, you know? She's the thief, yeah, she's good, there's police. But consider building around it?

Anyhow, my main problem was that there was a lot of "I did this", "I did that". Too many of such a structure makes the reader physically feel that she's reading a first person narrative - a painful jolt that makes the read bumpy at best, tell-y not show-y at worst. This can be avoided!

quote:
I looked back at the jewelry store, the cops buzzing around the broken glass I had effortlessly popped out of its frame.

Scrap "I looked" - it's pronoun, and the the telling of what the MC is doing. Boring. Show us those cops buzzing around the broken glass, yes, but without

Sometime the pronoun can be avoided all together - in first person, it's vital to take advantage of opportunities like that and avoid seems.

quote:
My hands, covered in ugly scratches and scars from years of my trade, wrapped around another thin pole about five

"My". Well, maybe with a bit of tinkering with the sentence before - but that one too would be well of if rephrased withotu so many horrid pronouns, you know!

But I did love the way info about her was passed - in a pronoun infested sentence without the use of pronouns, really. It wasn't: "I've been a thief for some years now", or anything of the sort. Sneaky. It's also a prime example of how I'd like to see things, pictures, descriptions portrayed - not through: "I looked, I saw, I went here, I went there".

quote:
and I couldn’t help grimace at the thought of the bacteria swarming around my shoes.

one of many examples.
Again, "I blah blah blah".

quote:
I made my way towards the back of the alley, swatting at the hands begging for money.

I like how it was not outright said that there were beggars in the alley - keep this, most deff. But arrange the description differently structure-wise.

They'll not shrivel up and die if not directly and physically linked to the MC, really. As it is, te reading of an otherwise very nice piece gets - tedious. Repetetive though at first it might be a puzzle as to why exactly.

Seriously, change this. If I got a dime for every "I" you used, and a dollar for every one that could have been avoided...


quote:
scraggly, old, pathetic people. My feet hit the dirty, grimy concrete

Adjective code red. Invasion, really. Chose yoru favorite and stick to it - as it is now, it's a sky-high trembling perilously stack that threatens to topple over.

quote:
you give me no prior knowledge?”

Out of character from a guy who starts off by speaking as he does.

quote:
In uhm, Iowa.”

A city would, I think, prove invaluable. Unless he has some uber technology that would tell him where the call's coming from, in which case he wouldn't need the address of Joe's Pizza Place at all.

quote:
Terrance tried to act like some bad-ass, but he really wasn’t as bad as he liked to appear.

Hmmm, I'd save this comment for when Terrence actually appears - we've only had a short snippet of dialogue with him and that acting "bad-ass" hasn't really appeared, you know - just him saying "fuck" and "it better be worth it" - maybe a circly threat, but that'd have to be commented on the MC's side. This is liek stating that he is, reader, take it for granted.


Well, good luck :) I hope we won't be left hanging?


Cheers,




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Points 4728
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Yes haha I want more too, I like how robbing the jewelry store or whatever doesn't freak her out but she is kinda consumed by the bacteria and grim from the concrete, funny.
These lies are leading me astray, it's too much for me to stay. I don't wanna live this destiny, it goes on endlessly. I see you so please stay strong, I'll sing you one last song and then I'm gone. I don't wanna live this destiny, it goes on endlessly.

This love this Hate- Hollywood Undead



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