-deleted for the time being-

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Ooooo, I wouldn't want to be refusing that dude! Bang Bang Bang! Any who to the reviewing!
What I write in yellow is the fix ups in green/blue is just random comments.

Glass falls to the ground in glittery shards. Great explanation. Broken. I broke it. I broke the window. The tinted sides shine darkly, the see through -- gloriously. The part in orange doesn't make sense.
Their eyes, wide, are on me.How about; Their wide, fear filled eyes, are frozen on me. Something alien brushes the corners of my lips. What was the word for it? A smile? Their eyes widen more. I had done it! I got into the house, the house where they had stolen my son. I had broken the one way What do you mean by one way? window, and found them.
“All I want is my son,” I pant. The white, bathroom surroundings gleam.
“You- you can’t have him. You are a threat to his well being,” the bitch says confidently.
“Just because I have a gun, doesn’t mean I am a threat,” I shout, “You are the threat.” I point my 9mm magnum at the woman’s head. The laser aimer sparks to life and I position the dot right between her eyes.
Bang.Bang Bang! This guys is scary! (^.^)
She falls back, limp. Her blood spills into her open eyes.
“You fucking monster!” the man yells.
“It seems to me, that you want to die too. Am I right?” I spit.
“No! No I do not in fact—" he is cut off by my son’s voice.
“What if – what if I don’t want to go with you?” he says.
“But, Bud, I’m your Dad. I—"
“I don’t care. If you were my Dad, you would have looked after me all these years and you sure as hell wouldn’t have murdered my Mom.” Realisation presses into my mind.
I just murdered someone.
“Son, please...”
“Fuck off.” The finality in his tone scares me. I’ve never heard someone refuse me. Ever.
I raise the gun to my son’s adoptive father. I aim again in between the eyes.
Bang. Phsycho Killer!
I move the gun to point at my son, Jaysonne’s head. In between his eyes, the laser shines.
Bang. Bang, bang, bang.
No one refuses me. No one. I won't!

Grammer: Needs some work but other wise really good.

Main Character: Great explanation on him, I really could see his emotions and who he really was!

Overall: Very good! I give it Five elephants out of five for the idea.

Three out five for the grammar.

Oh, and one extra for being awesome!

Nine elephants in total, that's a lot of dancing!

~Apple

This was such a powerful piece. Now is when I wish there was a love button. So I'mma make one *creates a bangin love button, then clicks it several times*

Hi Biffle,

I felt like I had a shortage of breath while reading this story. It seems incomplete to me, in a way. There were also several things that bothered me. It's got potential, but you need to shine it up first.

1. CHARACTERS

This is the area where I think that you need the most work. Let's take a look at the 4 you have.

-The Narrator:

You establish early on that he's a grown man, but yet he somewhat acts like a disturbed teenager, resorting to violence and killing and not really thinking things through.

-Mother + Father

Not even really characters. They've got one line of dialogue each, and it's mostly just to disperse information. Sometimes characters can make a good film presence with a short screen time, but you don't do that. Maybe try to think of a trait for each one of them and see how to apply it to this situation.

-Jaysonne

He only really seems to be there to spit out lines of dialogue that enforce the story's moral. He doesn't even scream or cry or even really appear until after his adoptive parents get killed.

Now, none of them stand out or really behave like real people would, so expand! Make character profiles and apply that extra information into the story.

2. SENTENCE STRUCTURE

This is also another place where a lot of work is needed. You get really repetitive at times, and overall the dialogue seems over the top and boring.

Your first paragraph is just...bad. You repeat each action three times or so, and it seems like you're checking us to make sure we got it. Two places where this is prevelant:

Broken. I broke it. I broke the window.

You could just say, "I broke the window" but that seems a bit tell-y. I think you could probably start the story off with a description of how your main character breaks the window, and then have your first sentence and delete the quoted section.

I had done it. I got into the house, the house where they had stolen my son, broken the one way window, and found them.

You're repeating yourself again. 'I had done it' is perfectly okay; everything beyond it is just redundant.

The white, bathroom surroundings gleam.

Okay, I just sort of imagined that they were in a living room or something. Besides, the description seems out of place with the rest of the story. It'd be better to delete it.

I point my 9mm magnum at the woman’s head.

Here's an instance where you get a bit flowery. Not many people know the types of guns, so just say, 'a gun'. Besides, the type is not really relevant. Also, is there any reason why he uses a laser gun? Why not a regular gun? It would help us relate better and there is nothing to suggest that this story should take place in the future.

3. STORY

To be honest with you, I felt as if the story was lacking. It just seemed like a typical bitter father who lost a custody battle, and besides, I don't really even sympathize with him. He's just a cold-blooded killer, and there is nothing behind the custody battle in this story to make me care. My advice would be to expand on the story so you can give us more details with backstory that will help us get a better understanding of this piece.

-
Good luck!
-Elinor

Hi Biffle.

So I think what you have here could be a good idea. It seems plausible that a person (whom I'm assuming is deranged) could view the adoption of his son as the parents "stealing him." Also that he could want to go and take him back. It seems like you're trying to take this "bad guy" and make the reader empathize with him, so that the shooter takes on the role of "good guy" and that the adoptive parents are the bad guys. This can be extremely effective. I like this plan, if it is in fact your plan.

But you have a lot of work to do to get this up to where it could be.

It seems a bit too fast paced, first of all. Try to set up a scene. Okay, so shooter breaks the window and goes into the house and shoots three people (O.o I almost typed "Threepio.") This is all in the span of something that's about prologue-sized. I think you usually write really short things, but this seems like it wants to be longer.

Try having him look around at his surroundings a bit when he gets inside. You don't have to make it really descriptive (and it might be better if it wasn't--just say he ends up in [insert room] and there's tacky wallpaper and a 70s shag rug, and that it was messy--or whatever this room looks like.)

Try to tell the reader what's going through his head a bit. I think (and I've said this before) he's crazy, so maybe have him talk to himself a little: "Where are these freaks?" or "Don't worry, Jaysonne, you'll be back with me soon" before he finds them.

There's not enough expression. There's pretty much a smile from the shooter...
They should have at least some facial expression when he pulls the gun. The woman--she should maybe look shocked and fearful. When she's shot, maybe the man looks at the shooter with outrage and hatred. Take the time to give the victims personality.

Also, there's not really much backstory here. Tell a little bit of the story about why the son was adopted. Tell what the shooter had to go through that makes him want his kid back to the point where he's that violent--most people who have kids that have been taken and adopted don't go find and shoot the parents. Elaboration on this will likely deepen the plot for the better.

Another thing is: there's a lot of shooting in between the eyes. And you describe it as "between the eyes" every time. So if he has to shoot them all in the same place, maybe say one of them is between the eyes, and one's in the left temple, and...maybe it'd be cool if one of them moves at the last second, and the shooter hits them in the jugular. Your title is "Blood," and that would make a lot of blood.

Most of it is a little choppy--especially the first two paragraphs. Try to smooth it a little bit.

You have a good balance with your dialogue tags; however, when the man "yells" after the shooter offs the woman, you might want to emphasize how ticked he is about that with some adverb or something. But you didn't keep using "said, said, said," which is good. Yay!

"The laser aimer sparks to life..." Aimer? Call it a laser sight.

No one refuses me. Hmm. Good! Now, make it more powerful.

Anyway, I didn't want to make it sound harsh or anything, because this has good potential. It just wants some elaboration. I want to see this edited.

Take care and keep up the good work!
Freyja

First off I want to thank you for the encouragement on the short I posted the other day. I really appreciate it. But enough of that and on to your short here.

I'm big into the story aspect. I know that a completed short story has to have all the right word choices and sentence structures, but to me the story is the most important. And you have that in this one. It allows the reader to push themselves easily to the end without having to really force themselves to finish.

The only thing that I can advise you on is the use of description. Some people don't like much description. They believe it's "too much to read", but with description the reader can really understand the story with their senses. They can see it, feel it, even smell it. It'll add more "meat" to the story and give it some length. All in all, it's a great story. I'm looking forward to reading more of your work.

OMG!! What a spine tingling story...

FIRST!
i give u three things mabobz for imagination



and im bored now so im just gunna say
greatjob skuxx

Thanks guys.
Okay about the 'one way window' have you guys seen the movie hostage?? well the crazed psycho guy is in a bathroom, and behind the mirror is a room, where you can prettymuch spy on the person looking into it xD I wanted that sorta feel.

I will work on the characters and pm you guys when Im done.

I love everyone for reviewing and liking (and Jace, for LOVING it several times) this piece.

Olli

*edited*
Okay, so I finished this on my way up north in a car, so if anything's wrong, just shout out.

Olli, I'm going to be honest with you.

Your first version was better. This one kind of just read like a badly cut, disjointed mess. I thought having one scene in the bathroom was a lot more powerful. Now, you may think that I'm contradicting myself because of what I said in my first review. But I'm not. When I told you to expand upon the story, you should do so on the details that are actually relevant to the story.

It's so badly cut that I have no idea what's going on. I still have no idea why Jaysonne was taken away from him. He's a violent mess, yes, but that seems to only have been motivated by Jaysonne's kidnapping. I still know nothing about the adoptive mother and father, and I still sympathize with them.

My advice? Make this into that one scene in the bathroom, and have the story inter-cut with short flashbacks of why he was taken away, the ruling that he couldn't be seen anymore. I know you're implying that the father and son once hand a strong bond so it would be good to show that as well.

PM me if you have any further questions!

-Elinor

your not supposed to sympathise with the MC....

Hmm, then maybe what you could do is put this in third person. What's happening right now is that I'm trying not to sympathize with the main character, but I do. He's got his son taken away from him and all. I think third person would be good because it would still show his human side while making us a bit distant from and not confusing the reader as to whether you're supposed to sympathize with him or not. Just my advice, though.