Wishing for Death--Chapter 2

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Chapter 2

I watched Carla’s car drive off down the ribbon drive way. The exhaust from the car flowed freely out, creating a cloud of grey fumes. I let the pink curtains fall hiding the outside from me.

Miss Marsely walked out with a platter of short cakes. She grinned at me when she caught my eyes. I looked away suddenly staring at the grooves on the wood I stood on.

It wasn’t that I hated the woman; in fact she was a rather nice …though she wasn’t my family and that’s all who I really wanted too see right now. No one else, not my friends, not my dogs or my cats…just my family.

I stared around the house, an array of colourful paintings of rich looking people were stuck to the colour filled walls.
Miss Marsely sat down heavily a smile breaking across her serene face.
“Is there anything I could do to make you more comfortable,” She waved her fingers at me, a concerned smile spread across her face. “I mean just look at you, you’re practically off of your seat with stress.”

I kept my mouth closed, “Maybe I’m quiet or stressed because everyone I grew up with died a few weeks ago!” I thought angrily gritting my teeth together.
“I’m sorry” Miss Marsely said innocently. She stood up, “Would you like a biscuit?”
I shook my head tears began to brim in the sides of my eyes.

Miss Marsely sighed walking towards me, “Oh my darling girl” she said soothingly wrapping her arms around me. I began to sob loudly covering her sleeve with my tears. I wanted my to see my Dad’s face so badly, I wanted to wrestle one last time with my little brother…I wish, I wish I had died along side of my family that night!

“Ava,” Mis Marsely soothed pushing my brown hair behind my ear, “I will try everything I can to make your stay here lovely...” She stopped suddenly at the sound of a car pulling up into the drive way.

“Oh no they are here and I haven’t even cooked!” Miss Marsely let go of me suddenly, darting towards the kitchen. I heard a clatter of saucepans and strong currents water begin to run. I pulled back the curtains to see a sleek grey car in the front yard. The windows were tinted black to hide the people inside. My Dad would often say how he hated tinted window, saying they were a waste of money.

I blinked at the windows, my heart beginning to churn with sadness, I didn’t like them very much either.

I got up and walked nervously towards the kitchen where Mrs Marsely was cursing in a foreign tongue. Packets of food were scattered across the floor, utensils spilled across the bench top and what looked like a very scared Miss Marsely rushing around frantically throwing spices into a pot fill with steaming hot water.

“Miss Marsely?” I asked picking up a packet of instant soup.
“Oh please call me Anna.” Miss Marsely said quickly yanking the instant soup out of hands. Plucking at the top she poured the contents into the large pot. A foul smell hit the air, I gagged slightly turning away not to show any disrespect.

I heard the front door open with a heavy creak. Anna stopped her eyes widening, “Oh god no!” She rushed for her apron quickly pulling it over her head. I felt a bit of Anna’s nervousness ebb into me. Rushing after Anna, I began to pick up the mess she had made and shove into any draws that were in my reach.

“I can smell something cooking!” A shrill voice called from the entrance. “Anna are you cooking lamb again?”
“Ah no, not today Tommy! Maybe tomorrow night? Today we are having cheese and spaghetti soup!” Anna called over her shoulder, mixing at the large saucepan of water.
“Is our little new comer here yet?” A lady’s voice called.
“Yes Miriam, she’s right here in the kitchen helping me!”

Thanks to all those who commented last time, you’re awesome! And yeah, if you also want to be awesome you should totally comment on my work. (^.^) I ain’t kidding either….. *Points threateningly at the reply/ like button*
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Very good, very good Apple! Ben 10, here to review your work per the gesture of - this site!

I believe it is a very good story but the grammar should be improved a little. Comma's where placed where is wasn't necessary and a few words weren't really in context with what you are saying.

But other wise, great job! I really like this idea you have going so far-obviously there is going to be more...

PM when next one it us!
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All of the corrections, comments and suggestions are in red. ;)

Apple wrote:Chapter 2

I watched Carla’s car drive off down the ribbon drive way. The exhaust from the car flowed freely out This would probably sound better as 'out freely', creating a cloud of grey fumes. I let the pink curtains fall, hiding the outside from me. this isn't too bad a sentence, but it could be 'hiding me from the outside'...

Miss Marsely walked out with a platter of short cakes. She grinned at me when she caught my eyes. I looked away suddenly, staring at the grooves on the wood I stood on.

It wasn’t that I hated the woman; in fact she was a rather nice …though she wasn’t my family and that’s all who I really wanted too see right now. No one else, not my friends, not my dogs or my cats…just my family.

I stared around the house, an array of colourful paintings of rich looking people were stuck to the colour filled walls.what colors are the walls?
Miss Marsely sat down heavily a smile breaking across her serene face.
“Is there anything I could do to make you more comfortable, ?” She waved her fingers at me, a concerned smile spread across her face. “I mean just look at you, you’re practically off of your seat with stress.It sounds more like something said with emotion, so a ! might be more appropriate.

I kept my mouth closed, “Maybe I’m quiet or stressed because everyone I grew up with died a few weeks ago!” I thought Did she think or say it? angrily gritting my teeth together.
“I’m sorry” Miss Marsely said innocently. She stood up, “Would you like a biscuit?”
I shook my head tears began to brim in the sides of my eyes. That last sentence is a run on, there should be a period between 'head' and 'tears.'

Miss Marsely sighed walking towards me, “Oh my darling girl,” she said soothingly, wrapping her arms around me. I began to sob loudly, covering her sleeve with my tears. I wanted my to see my Dad’s face so badly, I wanted to wrestle one last time with my little brother…I wish, I wish I had died along side of my family that night!

“Ava,” Mis Marsely soothed pushing my brown hair behind my ear, “I will try everything I can to make your stay here lovely...” She stopped suddenly at the sound of a car pulling up into the drive way.

“Oh no! They are here and I haven’t even cooked!” Miss Marsely let go of me suddenly, darting towards the kitchen. I heard a clatter of saucepans and strong currents water begin to run. I pulled back the curtains to see a sleek grey car in the front yard. The windows were tinted black to hide the people inside. My Dad would often say how he hated tinted window, saying they were a waste of money.

I blinked at the windows, my heart beginning to churn with sadness, . I didn’t like them very much either.

I got up and walked nervously towards the kitchen where Mrs Marsely was cursing in a foreign tongue. Packets of food were scattered across the floor, utensils spilled across the bench top and what looked like a very scared Miss Marsely rushing around frantically, throwing spices into a pot fill with steaming hot water.

“Miss Marsely?” I asked picking up a packet of instant soup.
“Oh please call me Anna.,” Miss Marsely said quickly yanking the instant soup out of hands. Plucking at the top she poured the contents into the large pot. A foul smell hit the air, I gagged slightly turning away not to show any disrespect. I think that the 'not to' should probably be switched around to 'to not' ;)

I heard the front door open with a heavy creak. Anna stopped her eyes widening, “Oh god no!” She rushed for her apron quickly pulling it over her head. I felt a bit of Anna’s nervousness ebb into me. Rushing after Anna, I began to pick up the mess she had made and shove into any draws that were in my reach.

“I can smell something cooking!” A shrill voice called from the entrance. “Anna are you cooking lamb again?”
“Ah no, not today Tommy! Maybe tomorrow night? Today we are having cheese and spaghetti soup!” Anna called over her shoulder, mixing at the large saucepan of water.
“Is our little new comer here yet?” A lady’s voice called.
“Yes Miriam, she’s right here in the kitchen helping me!”


I liked the story, it was very good! Just a few minor suggestions and punctuation errors. The plot is interesting, however. Would you mind PMing me how everybody died? I missed the first chapter. ;)
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Thanks for the reviews guys!

Here, have a tiger ^._.^ RAWR!
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Hi there! I'm here for your review!

I thought this was very good and interesting. I could feel the emotion from the story. I think it's very cool that you can make me, as the reader, feel what your main character is feeling with just one chapter. ;)

The only problem I have is not knowing how the main character's family died. Maybe that was said in the first chapter(which I didn't read) or it will be revealed later. No biggie. :)

Anyway, good job & keep up the good work.
-Brainy
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