Part 1: topic61118.html
THEN THINGS CHANGED. She sorta took me by the shoulders and forced me to turn to the side and then she kissed me again on the lips. But it was different this time. It wasn’t like that innocent little peck on the cheek that Michelle gave me on the way to class that one time. Naomi’s mouth was open and I could feel her licking my teeth. That made me open my mouth a little bit and then she stuck her tongue inside. The next thing I knew, she was off the couch and pushing me to the floor. Our lips never parted as she lay on top of me and started rubbing her hands across my chest and my braids.
I was half excited and half terrified. I had no idea what I was supposed to do with my hands. I tried putting them on the back of her shoulders but that seemed weird to me so I put them on the small of her back. She moaned when I did that and then she started running her right hand down the middle of my chest. I started to panic when I felt her moving closer to my waistband. I was tense as hell and there would be no way to hide it if she moved her hand down any further. I tried to think of something to say to get her to stop, but it was too late. I felt her grab me through my jeans and I knew she’d hate after that.
She took her lips away from mine and sat up, her butt was pressing into me through her pink shorts and her hand was still around my dick. I wanted to cry. I tried to think of something to say so she wouldn’t think I was a total pervert but what was I gonna say? “Sorry you gave me a boner, Nye. I didn’t mean it, I swear I didn’t!” Yeah right. I knew I’d sound like an idiot no matter what I said. I could feel the tears start to build up which made me feel even worse. On top of everything else, she was gonna see me cry and then she’d think I was a bitch too.
I opened my mouth to tell I was sorry, but the words wouldn’t come out. Before I could stutter the first syllable, she put her finger to my lips and said, “Shhh.” Then that gentle smile returned to her face as she whispered, “follow me.”
She stood up and grabbed me by the hand, practically yanking me up from the floor as she led me into her bedroom. My heart was racing a thousand miles per hour and my chest was heaving. I had no idea what was going on or what she was about to do to me. I thought maybe she was gonna punish me for being so perverted. Maybe she’d pull out a belt and start giving me lashes across my back. She’d smack me right between my shoulder blades jus like my Dad used to do. She led me over to her bed. It was this little twin sized bed with a white frame. There was flowers and ponies and alla that girly shit all over the covers and pillow casings. There was dirty clothes all over the floor. It was dark by that time and the lights were turned out, but I could see by the sliver of light from the street lamp outside that one of her white training bras was lying on the floor in front of her dresser. I gulped.
She made me sit down on the edge of her bed. I expected her to start slapping me in the face or something but instead she sat down in my lap facing me. She started kissing me again, but she had to stop pretty soon because I was still breathing so hard.
She pulled her lips away and said, “You really need to calm down.”
I did that stuttering shit again, “B-b-but…I…”
She put her finger over my lips and whispered, “Shhh, it’s okay. I’m not gonna do anything to hurt you. I promise.”
The airy voice she used when she spoke, added with the weight of her sitting in my lap and the way her breasts rose up and down with each breath gave me that tobacco rush feeling again. You could say I was transfixed, infatuated. No, hypnotized, that works better. Everything about her was hypnotic. She started kissing me again as she put her right hand above my waistband. This time her fingers went up instead of down, working their way underneath my wife-beater. I didn’t even realize she was taking my shirt off til it was over my head. She pushed me back onto the bed and started gently scraping her fingernails all over my chest. It was sort of awkward, the way she was on me because she was taller than I was at that time. I would be taller than her in just a couple of years, but at that point she still had a good eight inches on me I think. I couldn’t do anything to stop her and I’m not too sure I wanted to anyway. I was scared as hell, but I loved the way she felt pressed up against me, not to mention the way her fingernails tickled my skin. She scraped them across me all the way down to the zipper of my jeans.
I DON’T REALLY LIKE TALKING ABOUT THIS NEXT PART so you’re just gonna have to use your imagination. Sorry to disappoint you. I could go on and on about all the nasty shit I’ve done with bitches since then, but there’s something about Naomi that’s just too personal for me to go into. It was later on that night. I had no idea how much later it was. It could’ve been a few minutes or a few hours. We were both just laying there wearing nothing but the pink and white sheets of her bed. She had her leg stretched out across me. I felt my dick pressing against her thigh and I knew she felt it too, but neither of us cared. She was tracing circles across my chest with her fingernails. My mind was a million miles away.
I HAD THAT GUILTY FEELING you get right after you have sex. It has something to do with the chemicals in your brain messing with your emotions, but I didn’t know that back then. There was so much I didn’t know. It was my first time and I felt like I had done something really, really wrong. I couldn’t do anything about it though. I was so tired, it was like every ounce of energy in my body had been sucked outta me and I was jus drifting on a cloud or some shit like that. I was in that place where you go when you’re in your bed, half asleep and half awake. Those weird thoughts you have at the end of the day start turning into wild dreams. The dreams that would seem crazy if you stopped to think about them but at the time they make perfect sense.
I was standing barefoot on the top of a hill. The soft green grass was sticking out between my toes and when I looked around I saw nothing but rolling green hills in every direction. The sky was blue and the wind was blowing the cotton white clouds past the sun leaving shadows across the earth. The wind cooled my aching scalp in between my new cornbraids. I heard an airy voice behind me and I turned around. The end of the hill I was standing on had broken away so that I was standing on the edge of a cliff. At the bottom was a bottomless pool with crystal clear water and there was a giant fish with neon blue fins swimmin around in there. I knew if I fell in the fish would swallow me whole, but I didn’t care. I wanted to fall inside. I needed to feel the cold water. I had to disappear.
Right before my feet left the edge of the cliff I heard that airy voice speak to me again saying, “You look sooo cute right now.”
I opened my eyes and saw the blades of the ceiling fan slowly rotating overhead.
I opened my mouth and spoke. I wasn’t really whispering but sorta talking while I was breathing out when I said, “w-what’d you say?”
Nye kissed the side of my neck real slow before she answered me, “I said you looked really cute. You had this faraway look on your face like you were having a really nice dream or something. It was adorable.”
I hate it when people touch my neck, but I never said anything. All I could say was, “Oh,” as I shut my eyes and drifted off to sleep. I heard what she said, but my thoughts were too spaced out to make any sense of it. Her words just seemed to dissolve in the air like the mist from a sprinkler. She kissed my neck again. I didn’t stop her. I never stopped her.
I woke up several hours later. It was really late by then, or really early. I couldn’t tell because it was just as dark. It took me a minute to realize that I was alone in the bed. I rubbed my eyes and then pulled myself up. I looked around the room, but I couldn’t see Naomi anywhere. I yawned flipped the covers over and crawled outta bed. When my toes felt the cold wooden floor I remembered that I didn’t have any clothes on. I searched across the floor on my hands and knees for my boxers and put them on. I made it halfway to the door before I realized my drawers was on backwards. I stopped and put them on the right way.
I stepped outside and walked across the hallway to the bathroom. I took a piss and washed my hands. When I was done I rubbed the water across my face and looked at myself in the mirror. It took me a minute to recognize myself. The first thought that popped into my mind was that my mom was gonna be worried sick about me not coming home tonight. But then I remembered that she had died almost four years ago. Where am I? I asked myself. But pretty soon I remembered. My dad screaming at me, the punch in the face, the ten hour truck ride, sleeping in an abandoned firehouse, eating outta garbage cans, the skater bullies and then Joseph. I was in my new city, my new home. Gabe’s gonna be worried about me, I thought, but then I remembered that Gabe was pretty much like Naomi’s guardian, he never really gave a shit just as long as I didn’t burn the place down. Naomi.
I TURNED THE LIGHTS OUT and left the bathroom. When I went back into Naomi’s bedroom I saw her sitting on the edge of her bed with her back turned toward me. I was about to say “hey” but before I opened my mouth I noticed the way she was hunched over as she rubbed her thumb across the scar on her right wrist and I realized that she was crying. I thought that I had done something wrong. I stood in the doorway and started rubbing my arms in that way I always used to do back then as I tried to think of something to say to make her feel better. I decided that I should just say “I’m sorry” and she’d know whatever it was that I’d done and hopefully forgive me for it.
As I walked over to her I saw, by the sliver of light from the streetlamp, that Naomi had a bunch of these little circular scars on her back. There were more than a dozen of them. They started below her shoulders and stayed near the middle of her back, going all the way down til the last one at the very top of her right butt cheek.
I started walking over there and said, “Nye?” as I got to the end of the bed.
She flinched when I spoke and then she pulled her legs toward her and wrapped her arms around them so her chest was covered. I walked over next to her, but I didn’t know what to say or do next. I wasn’t sure if I should sit down or stay standing up, if I should put an arm around her or just keep my hands to myself. I didn’t want her to think I was tryin to put moves on her while she was busy bein emotional or anything like that. I decided to sit next to her on the bed, but I made sure I wasn’t sitting too close so she’d feel like she had her space.
She wiped the tears off her face and I opened my mouth and did that stuttering shit again, “Naomi I…I uh…”
Jus say you’re sorry you idiot! C’mon, quit acting like a retard.
BEFORE I COULD SAY ANYTHING else, Naomi opened her arms and hugged me. She practically yanked my head off when she did it. There wasn’t anything sexy about it this time. It was the same kinda hug that some of the girls gave me at school my first day back after my mom died. It was the kinda hug you gave someone after something really bad just happened to them.
Naomi blurted, “I’m sorry!” really fast before I could even return the hug. I didn’t know what she was sorry for. I was almost certain I was the one who’d done something wrong.
Nye whispered, “I’m so so sorry,” and started crying again. I could feel her warm tears on my naked shoulder.
I said, “It’s okay,” as I started to hug her back, careful not to touch the scars along her spine as if they could still hurt her or something. I could feel her nipples pressing into my chest, but it didn’t give me a hard on. There was nothing sexy about what was happening. I was depressed as hell and kinda scared too. I felt like if I said or did the wrong thing she’d end up hurting me or even worse, herself.
She stopped crying after a little while and we just sat there in each other’s arms. Then a few minutes later I could feel her hands rubbing up and down my back again. I knew what was coming next, but I didn’t want it. It was weird you know, right after she’d jus been cryin her eyes out all over me. I wanted to tell her to stop but I was scared of what she’d do if I did. I felt her hands rubbing and squeezing my butt. She pulled me up onto the bed and started pulling my boxers off again. I wanted it to stop. It didn’t feel nice at all this time. That glow she had when I first saw her was gone and it was like someone else was inside her, making her do those things. Making her cry and moan, don’t that feel nice, right there, don’t stop, please don’t stop, don’t ever stop.
I wasn’t hard, but she’d make it so I was. I pretended I was somewhere else.
Stay with me forever
I laid on my back and stared up at the ceiling fan and I imagined that its blades were turning into the spirals of some bright galaxy and I was staring down at it from outer space.
You belong to me
I wanted to be in outer space, floating around with the heavenly bodies a hundred million miles away from that bedroom.
Would you kill for me?
They’re all so big and so desolate. They don’t care about our little bullshit problems. Our lives mean nothing to them.
Would you die for me?
The next day, when I went back to my apartment, I pulled out my sketch pad and started drawin a picture of that fish from my dream. But I couldn’t quite get it right. The fins looked messed up or something. I’d sit there and erase what was wrong but it only made it ten times worse when I messed it up again. After a couple of minutes of dealin with that bullshit picture I’d had enough. I never get that mad when my drawings don’t turn out that good, but that time in particular was different. The fins on that fish just pissed me off so much that I ripped the paper outta the sketch pad and started tearing it up in a million pieces. When I couldn’t tear it up no more, I through the sketch pad at the dresser and kicked my chair across the room. My hand started shaking again so I started punching my door til it stopped.
Punching doors always calms me down for some reason. After all that I fixed my messed up room and picked up my sketchpad again. I drew another picture, this time it did turn out right. It was a sketch of Jesus Christ, only he had no eyes in his sockets and his mouth had seven long snake-tongues coming outta them. He had six arms and a pale gray eye in the palm of each hand. I used a lotta cross hatching to make the shadows in his empty eye sockets. After that I drew the background. Some mountains, a sunset and a little vulture sitting on top of one of the crosses on the hill. I don’t know what that drawing was about, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the moment. Maybe my hands was tryin to tell me something. Maybe I was jus mad cuz my braids hurt. That’s probably what it was.
