disconnected

and that was why it didn’t work. You see?
Parts were broken.
The same
must be true
of my mind.

I mean, sure, it functions well enough
to say hello, and blush, and
stammer out of conversational range. Right.
But who needs a mind prone
to ridiculous disagreements (with itself)
and inexplicable freezing stops
whenever anything more complicated
than “good morning”
is introduced?
Precisely.
Ordinary words
become tongue-twisters
and tongue-twisters
are suddenly and intimately connected
with prases such as “you look nice” and
“its good to see you”.
Does it matter if you never hear me?
I'm still
listening.

sometimes I think
the wires between my tongue
and my mind
and my heart
and my soul
have been

disconnected.

I liked it. It was somewhat humorous, and you did a great job with tone and diction.

I really liked this too. I loved the way it start with "and" - no capital letter or anything....and I like thinks that break the 'rules' lol :thumb:

It was like a converstion or a story. I liked it alot. :thumb:

It's so painfully mundane...you try to spice it up by saying the same old same old in new ways, and...you do say it in new ways, or at least with new words, but there is still nothing new in it, it's still cliche...I just don't really dig it, I'm sorry.

Thanks for your comments, everyone. PsyLynx, I've got a couple of things to say to you -

(1) Please dont tell me what I'm trying to do. You dont know, OK? You're guessing. It always rubs me the wrong way when people tell me what I'm trying to do in poems, because they usually have no idea. If you want to analyze the poem, fine. Just dont analyze ME.

(2) WHAT, exactly, am I "trying to spice up"? Because as far as I'm aware the only thing I was trying to express here was how I feel out of my depth in ostensibly ordinary social situations, when one has to make polite small talk and etc. Tell me how you interpreted the poem. Why does it seem cliche to you? Dont just burble catch-all's at me, I need something to work with here!

Also, never apologize for disliking something. I dont care if you like it, so long as you can tell me why, and how I can improve it.

Eh. I hated the word "inexplicable" in one of the lines, it just didn't fit with the flow if you read it out loud. "Ridiculous disagreements" is a bit of a mouthful too. In those couple of lines you seem to get lost in too many long words that cloud the meanings you want people to understand. I didn't really understand your line breaks. Okay, they're "disconnected" blah blah blah, but that excuse only gets you so far. Most of it seemed too random and I got a little annoyed and felt that it wasn't structured well enough. But that's my problem, you could say.

The ending was horribly predictable and a tad overdrawn. I'm remove the bit from "sometimes I think" up to "disconnected." I know you might feel like that's the main part of the poem, but it seems overly redundant.

Oh, first stanza, "The same/must be true/of my mind." That sounds so bad if you read it out loud. I pause a little after each line ends, and yes it is "disconnected" blah blah blah, but to the point of me being unable to enjoy it anymore.

Clearly like marmite....

I liked it. Like the butterfly girl said, I love the way you started it. plus, it's exactly how I feel alot of the time. Freakily so. *Shrugs*. Nice job.