Flickering Flame--Chapter 1

This is a story; I guess...hmmm....I started a long, very long time ago. I saw it and thought, “Hmm know what would people think of it?” And then I thought hey let’s just slap it on ere’! And here it is... pweeease review, ^._.^ <-- My cats to awesome to say no to!

Chapter 1~

"Don’t blame yourself for your family’s death Ava! None of the incidents that occurred is your fault.”
Carla’s bronze hair fell into her eyes as she stared at me trying to look into my eyes. “This change will be a new escape for you Ava, you will meet new people and experience new things at Stratusburg." I looked at her from under my hood, my tears sliding down my cheeks.

"Look Ava...I know that you think I don't understand you but I do!" Carla nodded intently tugging at the ends of her skirt. "I lost my mother when I was five and it wasn't easy on me either but I got through. You just have to believe in yourself and all your success will come true."

I closed my eyes tightly, ignoring the pain in my side. It was happening more frequently, since my family’s death. Before it would come once a week now it was coming every single minute. It felt like something was eating at the innards of my organs, devouring any last piece of strength I had.

"I know that it has been three weeks since your family died, but Ava you have to talk!" Carla tried to smile at me. Okay so maybe I wasn't being fair on her, but why should I be? I lost my whole family at my Mother’s and Father’s Anniversary Party! My grandmother had hosted the party for the two of them, inviting cousin’s I didn’t even know I had. It had been all fun and joyous, people giving out presents everyone laughing. I never would've thought it would've ended so tragically.

"Ava" My mother's sweet voice chimed as she poked her head out of the kitchen.
"Yeah mum!" I shouted back, moving the pawn chess piece upwards. I stared at my grandfather who began to analyse my move, a frown crease appearing above his brows.
"I need you to go out and get me some parsley" My mother called, the sound of the egg beaters muffled her words.

"Do I have to? I’m playing chess with Pop" I smiled at him "And I am winning."
"You wish" he picked up his queen piece and dragged it across the board taking out my knight. Whining I crossed my hands across my chest.
"You still have a lot to learn, your move.”
Frowning at the board I picked up a pawn, fiddling with it between my fingers.
"Who's winning" Charlie, my younger brother asked walking in to see our game.

I rocked back in my chair staring up at the chandelier, the image of the chess board was frozen in my mind.
"I am" My granddad smiled, the wrinkles on his cheeks tightened.
I scoffed, placing the pawn upwards I flicked off his bishop with a victorious smile.
"Check!" I shouted gleefully.
"Smart girl" My grandfather smiled inspecting the board.
"Ava!" My mother cried from the kitchen, I groaned as I picked myself up from the table.
"Make sure he doesn't cheat!" I called over my shoulder to Charlie as I ran out the door. Jumping down the wooden stairs, the shoes crowded around the front perch made it hard for me to move as fast as I had hoped. Running down the grassy field, I ducked under the mango trees ignoring the bright yellow moon hiding behind the clouds. Stopping next to the chicken pen, I flicked open the door shutting it as I stepped over a brick. I ran through the hand made pen, startling chicken's on my way.

Their wild clucking echoed through the already silent night making the hairs on my neck stand on end. Walking to the end of the small area, I pulled a small green mat off of Mum's secret herb container. She loved her herbs, she would spend hours on end trying to make every single leave green and perfect. Picking out some parsley I covered it again and ran back towards the entrance of the pen.
I never liked being in the pen at night. It always felt like someone was watching from behind the bushes brimming the sides. Stopping I began to fiddle with the lock trying to get the chicken door closed.

"Why won't you shut?" I cried gritting my teeth thrashing at the door. I heard something buzz behind me. Stopping I frowned trying to hear the sound again. Another more violent buzz blasted through my grandma’s yard. Dust began to whip at the back of my legs causing small welts of blood to form on my bare skin. I screeched shielding my eyes with the bottom of my palms. A screech hit the air, followed by another blood curdling howl. I turned to see grandma’s house dropping to the floor. The foundations crumbling beneath the weight of the iron roof, and the bloodied calls for help of my family.

Turning away from Carla I stared out the window, ignoring the sound of the howling winds as we approached my new foster home. Wiping at a few tears I closed my eyes, as picture of Charlie shone in my mind. His brown hair was ruffled playfully from one of our famous “Sumo Wrestles” we usually would do after we watched Sumo Mouse every Saturday.
"Make sure he doesn't cheat" I whispered quietly to myself. I closed my eyes tightly sliding my hand up the cold glass of the window.

"Here we are!" Carla sang in a very high voice. Turning I stared up at my new house, I scrunched my nose up instantly. The pink colour made the 1800 style house look shabby. The roof pointed upwards into the sky, small snow clots lay in the gutter turning brown as leaves and dirt were pushed towards the roof in wild gusts. A sign stood in the front, a plank of wood hang by metal swung in the wind. Opening the door, I stepped out of the car staring up at the house.

"You must be Ava, I was wondering when you were going to come.” An old lady began to walk down the stairs, her long grey hair was held back into a tight plait hanging over her thick shoulders. A creaky sound echoed as she hit the ground, tufts of grass swayed in the small breeze she had created.
"Miss Marsely!" Carla smiled walking towards the lady, her arms open wide. Turning away from the woman I stared up at my luggage. Sighing I grabbed onto one of the ropes holding my duffel bags on the roof. Pulling at it the cord released simultaneously forcing my luggage down towards me. Cringing I ran towards it catching the heavy weight in my arms, groaning I felt my knees try to buckle underneath me. Gritting my teeth I forced myself to stay up right.

"Ava come here and say hello!" Carla yelled happily her wind swept hair was beginning to match the red in Carla’s cheeks. Pulling my bag after me I stopped in front of the lady. Her stout chubby figure made her seem almost like an overgrown marshmallow.
I frowned "Why you look as thin as a rake doesn't anyone feed you" Miss Marsely fussed grabbing at my arm. Pulling back I nodded my head trying not to be rude.
"You'll just have to give her some time," Carla laughed placing her arm around my shoulder giving me a vigorous shake.
"You're as quiet as a mouse" Miss Marsely smiled friendly.
"She hasn't spoken since...the accident"
"The Accident?"
"Her family....dying"


Pweeease Review!

Hello, I'm Sophie and I'd like to review this for you

Firstly, you don't mention who exactly Carla is but I'm presuming she's a social worker or something?

"You're as quiet as a mouse" Miss Marsely smiled friendly.
"She hasn't spoken since...the accident"
"The Accident?"
"Her family....dying"

Secondly, this bit above is a little confusing because if Carla was a social worker and she was taking Ava to live with Miss Marsely then surely Miss Marsely would know about the accident. It's just something to consider; maybe Miss Marsely has a reason to forget the accident but I think it could be made clearer.

"Their wild clucking echoed through the already silent night making the hairs on my neck stand on end."

The sentence quoted above kind of tells the reader that something bad is going to happen when you say Carla's hairs were standing on end. I'm writing a murder story as well and I think it's important to keep the reader unaware of the event about to happen so it's more of a shock.
For example you could put something instead like: "The chickens clucked and the calm night was peacefully silent." This suggests that it's calm and peaceful so the reader doesn't suspect the murder as much.

That's the critical bit out of the way

I found the dialogue was good because it flowed. I find it hard to get my conversations between characters to flow so have you got any tips?
Also, having said that the mood you created outdoors made me feel like I knew what was coming the beginning of the scene was good. It was just an ordinary day with Ava playing chess with her Grandfather and her Mum cooking so the murder wasn't expected in that sense.
Also it was an exciting piece and at the end of reading it I found my self wanting to read more and find out what happened that night

Sophie

Hey Apple, Stella here! You're right, your cat is too awesome to say no to!

I. NITPICKS

"Don’t blame yourself for your family’s death Ava!

Always put a comma before a name in a sense like this. Like, "You're standing on my foot, Ben." See? Now remember that forever.

Carla’s bronze hair fell into her eyes as she stared at me

Try rephrasing this to something like, "Carla stared at me through the bronze hair that fell over her face" or something. It's a little wordy the way it is.

"I know that it has been three weeks since your family died,

Maybe rephrase this so it says "only three weeks" or "I know your family died three weeks ago" or even "I know it's only been three weeks." See what I mean? It's a bit redundant as it is.

"Yeah mum!"

Mum in this sense is a name.

"I need you to go out and get me some parsley" My mother called, the sound of the egg beaters muffled her words.

This article on dialogue punctuation is really useful.

startling chicken's on my way.

chickens.

as picture of Charlie shone in my mind.

pictures, maybe?

"Why you look as thin as a rake doesn't anyone feed you"

"Why, you look as think as a rake, doesn't anyone feed you?"

"Her family....dying"

Full stop at the end. And this really isn't as cliffhanger-ish as you might think, as you've already told us they're dead.

Alright.

II. SHOW AND TELL

There's a little bit of telling in here. That first line about Carla I nitpicked? Telling? The whole flashback? Kind of telling.

Telling is where you tell us the story instead of showing us what happens. Now, you could leave the memory sequence until Ava decides to tell someone about it, you could show us snippets in nightmares, you could show us how little things remind her of it. Is she scared of fire? Maybe she can see bits of it there? It's more fun to build a story up that way rather than just outright telling us.

III. OVERALL

Not bad at all!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.

Hi Apple
I like this story and I think you have a real talent for writing.
I would advise re-reading your work, it helps to see if there are any mistakes and if there is any missing punctuation, plus its a good habit to get into.
Can you pm me when you post more?
midnightread

Thanks for the advice! I'll take it in hand! (^.^)

Hey! i really liked the story. there were some parts that needed better punctuation like Stella mentioned, but overall it seemed quite interesting.
though this line caught my attention

"I screeched shielding my eyes with the bottom of my palms. A screech hit the air, followed by another blood curdling howl."

Maybe use another word other than screech, sounds a bit repetitive.
Zib

"Don’t blame yourself for your family’s death Ava! None of the incidents that occurred is are/were your fault.”

Carla’s bronze hair fell into her eyes as she stared at me, trying to look into my eyes. “This change will be a new escape for you Ava, . you will You'll meet new people and experience new things at Stratusburg." I looked at her from under my hood, my tears sliding down my cheeks.

Quick point - many people don't talk like that now, so it sounds really posh and cheesy - I would suggest to make it more slang-ish. I get the feeling it's a mother talking her child into going to a new school, so i would slap some words like 'darling' or 'sweetie' in there, too.

"Look Ava...I know that you think I don't understand you but I do!" Carla nodded intently tugging at the ends of her skirt. "I lost my mother when I was five and it wasn't easy on me either but I got through. You just have to believe in yourself and all your success will come true."

but the thing is, her family's dead, right? So it has to be a friend. Tone it down so it's modern day friend speak, or even olden day friend speak, becasue the language you're using sounds like the mother/daughter thing.

I closed my eyes tightly, ignoring the pain in my side. It was happening more frequently, since my family’s death. Before it would come once a week; now it was coming every single minute. It felt like something was eating at the innards of my organs, devouring any last piece of strength I had.

"I know that it has it's been three weeks since your family died, but Ava you have to talk!" Carla tried to smile at me. Okay, so maybe I wasn't being fair on her, but why should I be? I lost my whole family at my Mother’s and Father’s Anniversary Party! My grandmother had hosted the party for the two of them, inviting cousin’s I didn’t even know I had. It had been all fun and joyous, people giving out presents, everyone laughing. I never would've thought it would've ended so tragically.

"Ava" My mother's sweet voice chimed as she poked her head out of the kitchen.

But her mother's dead...

"Yeah mum!" I shouted back, moving the pawn chess piece upwards. I stared at my grandfather who began to analyse my move, a frown crease appearing above his brows.

And her friend's talking her into talking about her family's death... infrint of her family? I would suggest a '*' to show that the scene's have changed, or else I'm completely lost.

"I need you to go out and get me some parsley" My mother called, the sound of the egg beaters muffled her words.



"Do I have to? I’m playing chess with Pop" I smiled at him; "And I am winning."

"You wish" he picked up his queen piece and dragged it across the board taking out my knight. Whining, I crossed my hands across my chest.

"You still have a lot to learn, - your move.”

Frowning at the board I picked up a pawn, fiddling with it between my fingers.

"Who's winning" Charlie, my younger brother asked walking in to see our game.



I rocked back in my chair staring up at the chandelier, the image of the chess board was frozen in my mind.

"I am" My granddad smiled, the wrinkles on his cheeks tightened.

I scoffed, placing the pawn upwards I flicked off his bishop with a victorious smile.

"Check!" I shouted gleefully.

"Smart girl" My grandfather smiled inspecting the board.

"Ava!" My mother cried from the kitchen, and I groaned as I picked myself up from the table.

"Make sure he doesn't cheat!" I called over my shoulder to Charlie as I ran out the door. Jumping down the wooden stairs, the shoes crowded around the front perch made it hard for me to move as fast as I had hoped. Running down the grassy field, I ducked under the mango trees, ignoring the bright yellow moon {moon = yellow? Me = confused!} hiding behind the clouds. Stopping next to the chicken pen, I flicked open the door, and then shutting it again as I stepped over a brick. I ran through the hand made pen, startling chicken's on my way.



Their wild clucking echoed through the already silent night, making the hairs on my neck stand on end. Walking to the end of the small area, I pulled a small green mat off of Mum's secret herb container. She loved her herbs,; she would spend hours on end trying to make every single leave green and perfect. Picking out some parsley, I covered it again and ran back towards the entrance of the pen.

I never liked being in the pen at night. It always felt like someone was watching from behind the bushes brimming the sides. Stopping, I began to fiddle with the lock, trying to get the chicken door closed.



"Why won't you shut?" {i think it needs to be made a little more obvious that it's the chicken pen door that's not shutting. I was confused.} I cried gritting my teeth thrashing at the door. I heard something buzz behind me. Stopping I frowned trying to hear the sound again. Another more violent buzz blasted through my grandma’s yard. Dust began to whip at the back of my legs causing small welts of blood to form on my bare skin. I screeched shielding my eyes with the bottom of my palms. A screech hit the air, followed by another blood curdling howl. I turned to see grandma’s house dropping to the floor. The foundations crumbling beneath the weight of the iron roof, and the bloodied calls for help of my family.

And I take it that this is going to the present again?

Turning away from Carla, I stared out the window, ignoring the sound of the howling winds as we approached my new foster home. Wiping at a few tears I closed my eyes, as picture of Charlie shone in my mind. His brown hair was ruffled playfully from one of our famous “Sumo Wrestles” we usually would do after we watched Sumo Mouse every Saturday.

"Make sure he doesn't cheat" I whispered quietly to myself. I closed my eyes tightly sliding my hand up the cold glass of the window.



"Here we are!" Carla sang in a very high voice. Turning I stared up at my new house, I scrunched my nose up instantly. The pink colour made the 1800 style house look shabby. The roof pointed upwards into the sky, small snow clots lay in the gutter turning brown as leaves and dirt were pushed towards the roof in wild gusts. A sign stood in the front, a plank of wood hang by metal swung in the wind. Opening the door, I stepped out of the car staring up at the house.



"You must be Ava, I was wondering when you were going to come.” An old lady began to walk down the stairs, her long grey hair was held back into a tight plait hanging over her thick shoulders. A creaky sound echoed as she hit the ground, tufts of grass swayed in the small breeze she had created. {I don't think that people make that much breeze. Maybe it could be flattened instead?}

"Miss Marsely!" Carla smiled walking towards the lady, her arms open wide. Turning away from the woman, I stared up at my luggage. Sighing I grabbed onto one of the ropes holding my duffel bags on the roof. Pulling at it, the cord released simultaneously forcing my luggage down towards me. Cringing, I ran towards it, catching the heavy weight in my arms, groaning I felt my knees try to buckle underneath me. Gritting my teeth, I forced myself to stay up right.



"Ava, come here and say 'hello'!" Carla yelled happily, her wind swept hair was beginning to match the red in Carla’s cheeks. Pulling my bag after me I stopped in front of the lady. Her stout chubby figure made her seem almost like an overgrown marshmallow.

I frowned "Why, you look as thin as a rake; doesn't anyone feed you?" Miss Marsely fussed, grabbing at my arm. Pulling back, I nodded my head trying not to be rude.

"You'll just have to give her some time," Carla laughed, placing her arm around my shoulder giving me a vigorous shake.

"You're as quiet as a mouse!" Miss Marsely smiled friendly.

"She hasn't spoken since...the accident"

"The Accident?"

"Her family....dying"

Okay. I'm sorry, but even though that was a good story, a good plot, some nice descriptions...

I couldn't get over the grammar. I'm going to put the next part in white, so you can skip over if you want to, because it's inevitably going to end with me rambling and obsessing.

Okay, so I know this will sound really nerdy, grammar-Nazi-ish and completely obsessive compulsive, but your sentence structure doesn't vary.

As a side point, did you edit this, because there were a lot of grammer mistakes that could have been solved by an easy/quick skim through. Therefore, you've stopped me from actually focusing on the story, and instead I've been forced to correct your grammar.

Anyways - look as all of the comma's I've put in. Count them, look at how many commas there are, compared to how many sentences. A lot. That's how many times that you missed a comma, while uing the same sentence structure. That means there's more.

I'll give you an example:

Bob had blue hair. He had green eyes. He had a red shirt. Bob likes apples. Bob has an apple. Bob is eating the apple.

It's boring, right? I know I've toned it up a bit, but, mainly, all of your sentences go like: 'Catching my breath, I ran over to the counter. Watching the lady walk over to me, I thought about what I would say. Spitting out the words so fast they seemed like nonsense, I watched the confused look on her face.'

See what I mean?



Really sorry for that; but I have an answer.

First, optional. Skim through some of the articles in the YWS resorces section, which should help the grammar.

Second, recommended. Imagine you're standing next to your character. Think about it; what do they look like, what do they feel, what do they taste in their mouths? This is how I show, not tell, anyway. Say stuff like 'The damp corrdors tasted like the whole place was dug up this morning.'

Third, manditory. Practice, practice, practice. The more you do it, the better you'll get.

Last but not least, a compliment! I thought your descriptions of your Pop could be added to a bit, but the dialogue between her, her brother and the old man sounded really realistic. And dialogue is what makes characters seem 3D, so you're doing really well! Most writers struggle with that!

Anyways, I think I'll hit the hay, so sorry I couldn't be of more help!

[quote="Apple"]

Chapter 1~

"Don’t blame yourself for your family’s death Ava! None of the incidents that occurred is your fault.”
Carla’s bronze hair fell into her eyes as she stared at me trying to look into my eyes. TO me, saying eyes twice in the specific sentence doesn't flow. You might just want to reword it.“This change will be a new escape for you Ava, you will meet new people and experience new things at Stratusburg." I looked at her from under my hood, my tears sliding down my cheeks.

"Look Ava...I know that you think I don't understand you but I do!" Carla nodded intently tugging at the ends of her skirt. "I lost my mother when I was five and it wasn't easy on me either but I got through. You just have to believe in yourself and all your success will come true."You might want to add a comment from the character thinking how 'its sounds like Carla's been reading too many story books' or something.

closed my eyes tightly, ignoring the pain in my side. It was happening more frequently, since my family’s death. Before it would come once a week now it was coming every single minute. It felt like something was eating at the innards of my organs, devouring any last piece of strength I had.

"I know that it has been three weeks since your family died, but Ava you have to talk!" Carla tried to smile at me. Okay so maybe I wasn't being fair on her, but why should I be? I lost my whole family at my Mother’s and Father’s Anniversary Party! My grandmother had hosted the party for the two of them, inviting cousin’s I didn’t even know I had. It had been all fun and joyous, people giving out presents everyone laughing. I never would've thought it would've ended so tragically.

"Ava" My mother's sweet voice chimed as she poked her head out of the kitchen.
"Yeah mum!" I shouted back, moving the pawn chess piece upwards. I stared at my grandfather who began to analyse my move, a frown crease appearing above his brows.
"I need you to go out and get me some parsley" My mother called, the sound of the egg beaters muffled her words.

"Do I have to? I’m playing chess with Pop" I smiled at him "And I am How about 'I'm' winning. It flows better.winning."
"You wish" he picked up his queen piece and dragged it across the board taking out my knight. Whining I crossed my hands across my chest.
"You still have a lot to learn, your move.”
Frowning at the board I picked up a pawn, fiddling with it between my fingers.
"Who's winning" Charlie, my younger brother asked walking in to see our game.

I rocked back in my chair staring up at the chandelier, the image of the chess board was frozen in my mind.
"I am" My granddad smiled, the wrinkles on his cheeks tightened.
I scoffed, placing the pawn upwards I flicked off his bishop with a victorious smile.
"Check!" I shouted gleefully.
"Smart girl" My grandfather smiled inspecting the board.
"Ava!" My mother cried from the kitchen, I groaned as I picked myself up from the table.
"Make sure he doesn't cheat!" I called over my shoulder to Charlie as I ran out the door. Jumping down the wooden stairs, the shoes crowded around the front perch made it hard for me to move as fast as I had hoped. Running down the grassy field, I ducked under the mango trees ignoring the bright yellow moon hiding behind the clouds. Stopping next to the chicken pen, I flicked open the door shutting it as I stepped over a brick. I ran through the hand made pen, startling chicken's on my way.

Their wild clucking echoed through the already silent night making the hairs on my neck stand on end. Walking to the end of the small area, I pulled a small green mat off of Mum's secret herb container. She loved her herbs, she would spend hours on end trying to make every single leave green and perfect. Picking out some parsley I covered it again and ran back towards the entrance of the pen.
I never liked being in the pen at night. It always felt like someone was watching from behind the bushes brimming the sides. Stopping I began to fiddle with the lock trying to get the chicken door closed.

"Why won't you shut?" I cried gritting my teeth and[color=#BF8000][/color]thrashing at the door. I heard something buzz behind me. Stopping I frowned trying to hear the sound again. Another more violent buzz blasted through my grandma’s yard. Dust began to whip at the back of my legs causing small welts of blood to form on my bare skin. I screeched shielding my eyes with the bottom of my palms. A screech hit the air, followed by another blood curdling howl. I turned to see grandma’s house dropping to the floor. The foundations crumbling beneath the weight of the iron roof, and the bloodied calls for help of my family.

Turning away from Carla I stared out the window, ignoring the sound of the howling winds as we approached my new foster home. Wiping at a few tears I closed my eyes, as picture of Charlie shone in my mind. His brown hair was ruffled playfully from one of our famous “Sumo Wrestles” we usually would do after we watched Sumo Mouse every Saturday.
"Make sure he doesn't cheat" I whispered quietly to myself. I closed my eyes tightly sliding my hand up the cold glass of the window.

"Here we are!" Carla sang in a very high voice. Turning I stared up at my new house, I scrunched my nose up instantly. The pink colour made the 1800 style house look shabby. The roof pointed upwards into the sky, small snow clots lay in the gutter turning brown as leaves and dirt were pushed towards the roof in wild gusts. A sign stood in the front, a plank of wood hang by metal swung in the wind. Opening the door, I stepped out of the car staring up at the house.

"You must be Ava, I was wondering when you were going to come.” An old lady began to walk down the stairs, her long grey hair was held back into a tight plait hanging over her thick shoulders. A creaky sound echoed as she hit the ground, tufts of grass swayed in the small breeze she had created.
"Miss Marsely!" Carla smiled walking towards the lady, her arms open wide. Turning away from the woman I stared up at my luggage. Sighing I grabbed onto one of the ropes holding my duffel bags on the roof. Pulling at it the cord released simultaneously forcing my luggage down towards me. Cringing I ran towards it catching the heavy weight in my arms, groaning I felt my knees try to buckle underneath me. Gritting my teeth I forced myself to stay up right.Every line seems like its copying the one before. The action then details, the action then details, it should be reworded.
"Ava come here and say hello!" Carla yelled happily her wind swept hair was beginning to match the red in Carla’s cheeks. Pulling my bag after me I stopped in front of the lady. Her stout chubby figure made her seem almost like an overgrown marshmallow.
I frowned "Why you look as thin as a rake doesn't anyone feed you" Miss Marsely fussed grabbing at my arm. Pulling back I nodded my head trying not to be rude.
"You'll just have to give her some time," Carla laughed placing her arm around my shoulder giving me a vigorous shake.
"You're as quiet as a mouse" Miss Marsely smiled friendly.
"She hasn't spoken since...the accident"
"The Accident?"
"Her family....dying"


color=#FF4000]I think its awesome and, aside from some grammatical errors and such, I think its cool. Keep up the good work![/color]