Heaven Looks A Lot Like An Elevator Chapter 1

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1566
Reviews 3
Lucy Button rushed through the lobby of the New York Times building. She had long, deep brown hair pulled into a ponytail. she wasn't very tall, yet not very short either. She had to get her story to the editor by 3:00 today, and it was already 2:58. She ran and finally reached the editor’s office.
“I’ve got the story!” Lucy said in between pants as she handed the story to her editor.
“What is this? This was supposed to be handed in to me at 3:00.” He answered.
“Yeah, it’s 3:00. I got here on time.” She said
“Take a look at the clock. It’s 3:02. You’re late. No story.” He said with a look of complete arrogance on his face.
“It’s frickin’ 3:02 and you won’t let my story be in the paper?! Is this because I broke up with you last month?” She exclaimed in disgust.
The editor just raised his eyebrows as if to say “Isn’t it obvious?”
Lucy was furious. She stormed out of his office and walked towards the elevator. She pressed the button very hard and waited impatiently for the elevator doors to open. Lucy heard the beep indicating the doors were about to open. She picked up her messenger bag and walked into the elevator. Lucy pressed the button for the lobby and started to tap her foot, trying to pass the time. She looked over her shoulder to see if there was anybody else in the elevator. There was a man in a black suit, a woman gabbing away on her Bluetooth, and a mysterious man leaning in the corner with his head down so that no one could see his face. Lucy thought to herself, Try to make small talk with somebody. But stay away from the man in the corner.
“So, um, what’s your name sir?” she asked hesitantly.
“What? Oh, I’m Butch Anderson. I was applying for a job here, but that nasty guy upstairs, what’s his name, Mr. Smith? Something like that. Anyways, he turned me down because he thought my hair was ‘fake’ and he ‘couldn’t have any fake writers here’. What a jerk!” Butch said angrily.
“Yeah, I know. He didn’t let me turn my story in because I was two minutes late.” Lucy said shaking her head.
“Hey! You’re that writer, Lucy Button! I love your editorials. You do absolutely amazing work. Hey, do you think you could land me a job here?” he asked expectantly.
“Well, I don’t know if I-“
“Fantastic! Thanks, Ms. Button!” Butch said, cutting her off.
Lucy sighed as she contemplated whether or not to try to get butch that job. She heard a sudden gasp and the woman that was just talking on her Bluetooth was running out the doors. She must not be having a very good day, Lucy thought.
Butch and everybody in the elevator had left except for Lucy and that strange man in the corner. Once the elevator doors closed, the man started to speak with his head remaining downward.
“Lucy Button, you must come with me.” He said. His voice was very deep and she just wanted to bask in the beauty of it. She caught herself thinking that and mentally slapped herself in the face.
“But, I’ve got to get home! I don't even know where we're going.” She said.
“You must come anyway. You must trust me, or wait and see what happens.” He said, his voice mesmerizing her.
Lucy didn’t know why, but her feet started to walk on their own towards him. It was as if his voice was pulling her to him. What if he’s a serial killer? What if he just wants to murder me? What if- her thoughts just stopped. She felt a wave of calm rush over her. Lucy snapped out of whatever state she had gotten into, and came back to reality. The strange man waved his hand over the back of the elevator and a door appeared. He muttered something inaudible and the door opened. There was a bright light, so bright Lucy couldn’t see what was in front of her. She didn’t know what was ahead of her, but she still kept moving. Then, she heard the scream.
Last edited by ILoveNYC2 on Fri Apr 09, 2010 9:47 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway." -anonymous




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1566
Reviews 3
It's only the first chapter, just so you guys know that.
"Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway." -anonymous




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2338
Reviews 40
Allow me to be the first to comment. First of all, I really like your premise. A stressed out and over-worked woman enters a fantastical world in which she escapes her busy life.(Okay, I'm jumping to conclusions). While the idea is solid, there are definitely some problems. The first glaring problem is that you repeat the first chunk of the story twice. You get to her handing in the story and then restart the story. This is just a posting error, but it should be looked into. I also thought “But, I’ve got to get home! I can’t just leave.” She said. didn't make a whole lot of sense. I would change "I can't just leave." to something like "I can't just go with you".

Another problem I didn't particularly like is that you rushed a lot of the story. I didn't really have time to connect with the character's frustration because you didn't describe her feelings much. It feels like you are trying to get to the main part of your story. I'd like to think of this as a rough draft. I hope you edit with the final eventually. Oh, one last nit-pick, ‘couldn’t have any fake writers here’ doesn't make sense if it is in quotations. That applies the original conversation had the word "Couldn't" in it which is grammatically incorrect. I know I sound harsh, and I am. I prefer to be extremely blunt so that people's stories can be the best possible.
Current Project: Otherworld (Novel) - 11,000 words so far
Latest Story: Overflowing Emotions.
Past stories: Burning Apart, The Beast, Binding Darkness - Ch. 1, What David Taught Me, The Banquette, Mirror of Memories, Leaving Humanity, Little Green Men, Six Days




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 14091
Reviews 98
I see potential in your composition, but I also see mistakes and I advise you to listen an incorporate what Fading-dreams suggested. I have to say I liked it and it had this edgy feeling to it. Few parts confused me, especially when she says:"But, I have to get home! I can't just leave." That makes no sense, does she even knows what the stranger is talking about.

I like your MC she's funny and bubbly and I wish you added more physical descriptions, but all in all I liked it. Thank you for the read! Good luck and welcome to YWS.
"I became insane,with long intervals of horrible insanity."

"Their ideology is that human nature is fundamentally evil.In other words, humans are evil from the day they are born."

"Human is beatiful. Perfect is boring."



The person who has no opinion will seldom be wrong.
— Anonymous