Icefire - part 6

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I realize this is a long chapter, but if I stopped it at the POV switch, the post would be pretty short. All comments are very much appreciated; please tear it apart!


Icefire, part 6

Lynn stood in front of the throne room, mentally reviewing the story he had prepared, and then entered. Queen Jade, sitting on her throne, looked up.
“Ah. And who are you?” she asked in a bored tone. Lynn knew that the queen must be tired from the constant flow of people who had come in and out, petitioning her for different things, but there was only one day a week in Sothil where the common folk were allowed inside the throne room to see their ruler over petty grievances, and Lynn wanted to take advantage of the opportunity to see the queen in an unsuspicious manner.
He knelt by the dais. “My name is Lynn,” he said. “And I come from Tjaele.”
“I can see that,” she said impatiently. “What is it that you are wanting to ask?”
“Your Majesty, as you know, there was a robbery here. A Fiamalan is suspected.”
“Yes, of course, I will be attending to that once the time is up.”
“Your Highness, I believe that she was after something extremely valuable.”
“But the jewel she stole was not worth much.”
“I am aware of that fact,” Lynn replied. “But perhaps she was after something else, and she mistook the jewel for it.”
“But what could it have been?” Queen Jade asked, frowning.
“Your Highness…perhaps the Gem?”
Queen Jade’s frown deepened. “But that is just a myth,” she said.
Lynn kept his composure and his impassive face registered nothing. “But there have been several legends reputing the fact that the Gem is what controls the planet’s core.”
The queen laughed. “I’m afraid that those are just legends,” she said condescendingly. “Stories. Tales. Call them what you wish, they are nothing more than that.”
Lynn tilted his head and bowed. “Of course, Your Highness,” he said with a stiff smile. “I shall not bother you anymore.”
The queen waved him away. “I would appreciate that,” she said sincerely, and Lynn left.
As he walked out into the bustling streets, he glanced back, squinting up at the castle keep with a frown. The queen was obviously no help; she was either bluffing or sincere in her assumption that the Gem was a myth, and Lynn had a feeling that she truly did not know. Vergal had trained him to read the subtle unconscious clues he could use to determine whether someone was lying, and she hadn’t given any of those signs. Lynn sighed to himself, then started as Peter suddenly appeared next to him.
“Hullo,” the boy said cheerfully. “What have you been doing?”
“I was asking the queen about something,” Lynn replied, wondering just how the other boy always found him so easily. It was unnerving, really.
“About the robbery?” Peter asked, and Lynn nodded. “What did she say?”
“Well, I told her my theory that perhaps the thief was after something of more value.”
“Like…?”
Lynn hesitated, looking at the boy’s clear, eager gray eyes. “Like the Gem,” he finally said.
Peter’s eyes widened. “You know what? I was thinking the exact same thing!” He beamed excitedly at Lynn, who couldn’t help but grin back. But his grin rapidly faded as Peter suddenly exclaimed, “But wait! Why were you asking her about that?”
Lynn, taken by surprise, only had time to open his mouth with a feeble, “Well,” before Peter continued.
“I just told you about that this morning, and now you’re coming up with some ‘theory’ for the queen? And another thing, why does it matter so much to you? You’re just visiting Sothil, right? You’re too young to be traveling to another place without anyone else, you can’t be much older than me. And what business are you working on? I haven’t seen you do anything or meet with anyone since you’ve been here.”
“Well maybe that’s because every single time I go out, I’m barraged by some pest who can’t leave me alone!” Lynn snapped. The boys stood still for a minute, glaring at each other, and then Peter whirled around and left without a word. Lynn angrily watched him go, then turned and started to wander aimlessly down the streets, fuming to himself.
He found, to his surprise, that he actually felt some compunction for getting upset at Peter. He shook his head, frustrated at himself. He wasn’t here to make friends; he had a mission that needed to be completed. But a part of him knew that he had grown closer with the other boy than he had originally intended or even expected.
He moodily kicked a stone and watched it skip along the street, coming to rest underneath the booted feet of a cloaked person, who by her figure Lynn assumed was a girl. She glanced down at the stone and kicked it away, then looked up just as an elderly woman suddenly collided into her with a large basket full of wares.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” the woman cried.
“Don’t worry about it,” the girl said in a raspy voice that Lynn instantly recognized with a shock.
What’s she doing here? he wondered, and began to follow the Fiamalan girl as she made her way through the crowd.
~~~~~

Amber walked along at a casual, relaxed pace, although she wanted to run. She had obtained a gray cloak from a stand and had pulled the hood well over her face. Her reddish-gold hair was tied back and to all outward appearances, she looked like one of the older adolescents of Sothil, entirely apathetic to her surroundings and world around her. She continued on and came to a spot where the crowd began to thin, and she paused, frowning to herself. Amber suddenly whipped around, but there was nothing behind her. Shaking off the uneasy feeling that she was being watched, she wended her way through back alleys and bare, empty streets.
“Watch it!” a boy suddenly cried as she slammed into him around a corner.
Amber quickly assessed the situation and grabbed him by the shoulders, pushing him so that he was behind a building and out of sight. “Listen to me,” she hissed. The boy’s red-rimmed eyes grew wide, and Amber wondered briefly if he had been crying. He looked to be about her age, she mused, then ignored the thought, not really caring, and said, “What’s your name?”
“Peter,” he replied, trying to pull away. Amber squeezed his arm tighter, pinching his arm muscles. He stopped with a gasp of pain.
“Peter,” she repeated. “Now listen to me carefully. You are going to tell the queen of Sothil that there’s an army of Fiamalans coming this way, led by Queen Saron herself, and if she doesn’t do anything then this land will be nothing but rubble by the time Saron’s done. Now go!”
Peter nodded and ran away as she released him. Amber watched him go, satisfied, but then a hand was over her mouth and something cold was pressed against her neck.
“Why did you do that?” a voice hissed by her ear.
Amber twisted to get a look at her assailant, but the pressure of the thing, which she assumed was a dagger, on her neck made her stop. The voice nagged at her mind; it sounded familiar, and as Amber thought she suddenly remembered.
“You’re the Tjaelean boy!” she exclaimed, her voice muffled by his hand, which he slowly removed. “Let me go!”
There was no reply; instead she felt the dagger being moved from her neck for a split second while her hood was suddenly pulled off before she could stop it. She twisted her head around and found herself staring at the Tjaelean boy. He was frowning at her with a cold glare.
“Why did you do that?” he repeated, making sure the dagger was still at her throat.
“Do what?” she asked.
“Tell him about an attack. Is this just some ploy to fool the Sothilians?”
Amber jerked sharply in his arms, to no avail. “Let go of me and then I can talk,” she snapped.
“Why should I trust you?” the boy asked.
“Because I let you live before,” Amber replied. There was silence, and she bit her lip as she waited. The boy’s grip around her loosened somewhat reluctantly, and she stepped away and turned around so that she was facing him. Her eyes quickly took in the boy, and her hand strayed unconsciously to her hip where a firedart was nestled in her belt.
The boy was a head taller than her, with very pale, light blond hair that hung over his eyes, which were a keen blue. Something flickered briefly in them that Amber couldn’t place, although it didn’t seem hostile, as she would expect. Drawing herself up with as much dignity as she could muster, she said archly, “I’m not fooling you. Queen Saron truly is going to launch an attack on Sothil.”
The boy frowned. “And why are you telling us?”
Amber paused. “Why not?” she retorted, buying herself as much time as she could. Truth be told, she didn’t know just why she had done it. She had been angry with the queen at the time, and in a spiteful mood she had decided to foil the queen’s plan. Now that she thought about it, it was a ridiculous thing to do. The trouble she would be in when she got back…she brushed away the unpleasant idea of an irate Queen Saron.
The boy frowned again. “You’re our enemy,” he said, taking a step forward. “You’re for the queen Saron.”
“Who says?” Amber said quickly, tossing her head proudly. “I chose to warn the Sothilians. It doesn’t matter to you anyways. You’re from Tjaele.”
“Another thing,” the boy said, crossing his arms. “Why did you let me live? I would think you would try to eliminate an enemy.”
Amber pursed her lips, thinking. “I just don’t see the point in spilling blood unnecessarily.”
The boy nodded slowly, a flicker of pain or regret flashing momentarily across his face. “So what are you going to do now?”
Amber shrugged. “I should go home.”
“Will you be able to do that?”
“Of course,” Amber said indignantly. “I can take care of myself—”
“No,” the boy said quickly. “I mean will you get in trouble for coming? Will they know that you’ve been gone?”
“I don’t know,” Amber said quietly.
“Lynn!” a voice called, and the boy whirled around.
Lynn. So that was the boy’s name, Amber thought to herself.
“Peter?” Lynn asked. “What are you doing here?”
“What are you doing here?” Peter asked. “You know there was an Fiamalan girl here just a little bit ago.”
“I know, and I was talking with her,” Lynn replied, turning around to nothing.
Amber smiled to herself from atop the building as she saw Lynn’s baffled expression. She figured enough people had seen her for the day, and she contented herself with simply waiting to see what transpired between the two boys. After all, a few minutes weren’t much, and she could always make it up by galloping back on Flame. So she crouched in the shadows of the rooftop and listened.
Last edited by Ranger Hawk on Tue Nov 30, 2010 4:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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Hello,

I'll be honest and say that I haven't read any previous posts from this series - so I'll be reviewing this as if I found a page ripped out of a book :) For now I'll go only till the POV change.

-

Ok. Beginning - nono! See, I read the sentence, but I didn't really read the words - I read the commas (and you'll prolly be seeing a lot of hyphens in this review... I have a minor problem with those). But commas - those are bones.

And paragraph no. 1, it's a skeleton full of bones, cobwebbed skull and all. A skeleton without meat - not one worm peering out of the eye socket! Hungry readers can't eat bones, you know, and if you don't change this, you'll have a hoard of starved readers on your doorsteps, poor wee me among them.

So the MC, Lynn, "mentally reviews his story". Let's say, ribcage - and what's it protecting if there's no heart? Add the heart - show what he's reviewing. See, right now, it's just stated. Your asking us to take it for granted. He's doing this. Blah! Show not tell! I don't know, anticipation on meeting with the queen? Would he be pacing around? Any thoughts on how the interview would go? Etc., etc. Don't just say: "mentally reviews". Pfft.

I don't know if you already gave a description of Jade. If you didn't do so (we all have a ribcage for a reason). If you did, do it again lol - vaguely, I don't know, his feelings on meeting with Her Majesty (Her Majesty! She's, like, Queen!). She's the queen! Deserves more of a spotlight for the fact that she could prospectively help Lynn, no?

By the by, would she be just sitting uselessly on her throne (we have those many petitioners mentioned, but I don't think that's adequate. As a royal she'd also have her court around her, no? many many people).

Anyhow, Lynn kneels. He says her title. Me, I don't want to see him grovelling, no, but - a little more feeling? Jade's Queen!! Also - circle around everything which you had said. Show that's she's tired, and so forth. Show more than frowns! She frowns, she's impatient, she's condescending - maybe she's irritated and feels that he's wasting her time? Even Good Queen who has little time wouldn't like that, and if she treats the matter of the Gem in the way she does, and sincerely appreciated not being bothered again - hmm?

So while the interview came off a bit flat in terms of grandure, it got the point across, aye? So again, skeleton's firmly in place and there's no scare that it'll turn into dust. Meat, now!

Hey hey. Sincere's been used, sincere's out of of question (when thinking about the queen). Use another word. Like the liar's clues, and that we find out that she hadn't given any only now - very nice, that.

I like Peter and the comment about him just popping up was fantastic. The description of the MC through dialogue - very nice, that (Peter's words). We get to learn a lot about Lynn without it being info dumped on our heads. Lynn's answer is good, too, but I kind of dislike the conlcusion of the argument - it felt a bit forced, you know? Hanging air begged for an answer to Lynn's words that didn't come, because this scene was cut short, and so the forced.

Ooh. Mysterious ending :) And dedication to "Icefire" is to be admired. I'm really, really impressed.



Cheers,
Esme




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Hello,

I'm back :)

_


quote:
Amber walked along at a casual, relaxed pace, although she wanted to run.
Comma although she wanted to run - doesn't work at all. See, here we focus on "casual"
and "relaxed" (eek! show this in her stride, don't throw adjectives at me! I'll duck and they'll miss and then what?), and the "she wanted to run" now seems an afterthought. I don't really feel she wants to run!


quote:
She had obtained a gray cloak from a stand and had pulled the hood well over her face.

"she had obtained" - formal and just ehhh BUT entirely usable in below quotless complaint.


quote:
Her reddish-gold hair was tied back and to all outward appearances, she looked like one of the older adolescents of Sothil, entirely apathetic to her surroundings and world around her.

Quite like the sneaky description of Sothil adolscent poppulance - and Amber's, of course.


Alright, whole first paragraph - I get the feeling that you somehow chose the easy way out. Terrible generalities (crowdy streets, then back alleys, empty streets). There isn't any sense of place. I could fly off any moment with the slightest breeze.

Sothil is highlighted - a different place than the one she currently is. Maybe you could emphasise those differences? Somehow compare? Or if not, then still show us more than an empty phrase: "streets". Have her see more, so that the reader can see. Have her buy that gray cloak in the meanwhile - make the reader taste this city's flavor.

As it is, it could have been any city. She could have been transported out of Sothil to - somewhere, anywhere, and I doubt I'd see the difference. That's bad, but entirely fixable. Explore!!


quote:
Amber quickly assessed the situation and grabbed him by the shoulders, pushing him so that he was behind a building and out of sight.

Eh again a generality in descriptions - building, behind sight.


OK so she clearly doesn't know Peter (nice round plot, by the way). But you know how I viewed the whole her finding Peter covering? Like a sleeping person woken by an alarm clock - with eyes still closed, he slams the snooze button, which is there there, and solves all problems. Keep Peter there, that's not a problem (I did like the circle, told you before), but change the method of presentation of facts for believability.

She's walking about, senses someone's following her (haha Peter, always popping up, no?), unbends elbow and has the boy in her grasp. Eh.


quote:
Amber twisted to get a look at her assailant,

Lol and a second ago she was that assailant.


quote:
but the pressure of the thing, which she assumed was a dagger,

Awful!


quote:
it sounded familiar, and as Amber thought she suddenly remembered.


quote:
“You’re for the queen Saron.”



quote:
Truth be told, she didn’t know just why she had done it. She had been angry with the queen at the time, and in a spiteful mood she had decided to foil the queen’s plan. Now that she thought about it, it was a ridiculous thing to do.

So much for clear motivations. Eh. I don't know, I thought she'd have a better one... Any is better than non, truly. Still time to change that. Please do?

quote:
“No,” the boy said quickly. “I mean will you get in trouble for coming? Will they know that you’ve been gone?”
“I don’t know,” Amber said quietly.

"... a ridiculous thing to do", was thought (and that "quietly" suggests a seriousness of a thought-through decision which clearly this isn't - if she only now starts to worry about ramifications, mention this).

quote:
Amber pursed her lips, thinking. “I just don’t see the point in spilling blood unnecessarily.”

Well OK, at a stretch. Hmm.

Superficial, these parts. I was kind of dissapointed. Me, I don't want her to want to save the world - but her just popping in here and telling Peter to do what he did (finding a random person on the street? unbelievable that, too) - eh. Over-simplified motivations cast a shadow on Amber's character, and that she didn't think of the consequences? Well, here I thought her plain stupid, which she clearly isn't.

Also, the Peter running off/then appearing again/not seeing her while she's still talking to Lynn/he's talking to Lynn - I think that ought to be made a bit clearer, expanded as to the details concerned. Meat!! (on the other hand, I did like how info about the attack was told - by her, Amber).

Ah chapter ending - hat's off, gentlemen, again. Love the idea of her hiding and listening to them - and it's entirely believable, too.


Thanks for posting,
Esme




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Wow, thank you so much for your wonderful reviews, Esmé! I really appreciate them, you've given me a lot to think about and work with. I like how you keep stressing the "meat" issue; I totally understand what you mean by it. Thanks! :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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Hey RH! Sorry it took me so long to review, I just hadn't gotten to your chapter yet!

I honestly don't have much to say after Esme's review. She really got to things that I never would have picked up on, so thumbs up to her!

I did however, think the Amber/Peter/Lynn part was weird. Don't get me wrong, I really liked that you had the 2 MCs finally meet (yay!), but the whole thing seemed... unreal. Amber happens to fall upon Peter (which could happen), then she tells him about the queen's plans (again, possible), but then he actually believes her. I mean, throughout the story he's not a very bright guy, but I don't think even he would believe something someone on the street told him just like that. Especially considering, with the way the Queen acts, I don't think she would take into account something of such importance from just a kid with no proof.

Then you have the meeting between Lynn and Amber, which there's nothing wrong with, but the whole thing must have lasted about... two minutes? Three, at the most. Yet Peter had the time to run through the city, to the queen, warn her about the attack, and then just come back? That would have to be a lot longer than that, maybe a good ten minutes or so. Even then, the queen might not want to let him go right away, another factor to consider.

Anyways, that was my only nitpick. I really liked the chapter, mostly for the Amber/Lynn meeting. I can't wait to see what happens between them! :smt002
PM me for the next chappy, I can't wait to see the rest!!
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Review Part six!

I can see that there is time in between the posting of these works, but your writing seems to be improving with each chapter. I hope you keep it up.

Now, for the queens...
At some points it's believable, but at some points it seems a tad bit foolish that Lynn, a stranger, would simply be allowed an audiance with one queen, and Amber, a hot-headed girl, would have knowledge of such plans. I wouldn't suggest altering the plot, it's really good as is, but perhaps you could think about this predicament a little. Add a scene or two that might explain who these situations came about.

Don't forget your presentation!

On to part seven :)
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