Hope

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The staccato pounding of the 50 cal. machine gun tore at the howling winds, the shrieking chopper blades, like ethereal monsters in a twilight battle, roaring their fury,. Dark, sneering shapes below vanished into the black of the buildings, shops of another, softer time, as concrete exploded from the hail of bullets.
His mouth ripped into a snarl, he stood gripping the gun at the door of the helicopter, his white knuckled hands shaking with the power of the machine, spitting bullets into the air, shredding the pavement. Eyes bright, he searched for any sign of life, of hope other than the vile shapes below, glaring and growling their reeking breath up at him through the fading light. Ahead a shape caught his eye, a bobbing, almost glowing golden white object.
“I see something,” he cried to the pilot, who had already sped up, catching the fleeing light. Over it, he saw a girl, no more than 20, running as fast as she could, bright blonde hair flaring out around her in the blasting wind. She looked up, blue eyes wide, bewildered at the sudden roar of the blades overhead.
“We can help you!” He yelled out of the open door. “Can you make it as far as the Wal-Mart parking lot?”
The girl stumbled, fell, golden hair whipping around her face, panic frozen in her sky blue eyes. Cursing, he pushed past the machine gun and leapt through the door. The air rushed around him as he plummeted to the roof of the shop below the helicopter. Black shapes rushed from the dark openings of the buildings, windows bristling with glass like teeth. Hitting the roof, he rolled, pushing off the edge and falling to the street, ripping his knife from his belt. He landed next to the girl, snarling at the shadows.
“Stand up,” he said, slowly backing up. “Run.” Breathing in short, panicked gasps, she scrambled to her feet, turned, and bolted down the street. Whirlwinds of dust and sand whipped at his face, his clothes, as the helicopter blades cut the air. “Meet us in that parking lot!” he screamed up at the pilot, and then turned and ran after the girl. His long, loping strides caught her short, clumsy steps in seconds, as they skidded to a stop in front of a barrier of debris, cars, bricks, and plywood blocking the street.
“This way,” He yelled, as he turned right and shot down a dark alley. All down the street blackness bleakly stared out at them through gaping, glassless windows in the buildings. Surrounded by dirty, stained brick and cement, graffiti shouting in places on the walls gang signs or protests to the shroud of chaos that wrapped the earth.
Pounding boots followed them into the alley, at least five of the men pursuing them, seeking unimaginable, horrible things. Evil beings of extreme horror, the humans infesting this town were without hope, except for the occasional survivor, like the golden haired girl. She stumbled once more, and he grabbed her arm and pulled her to her feet, leading her into another open street. She collapsed to her knees in front of a dusty blue car, gasping and sobbing for her breath, hands pressed into the asphalt, hair falling in a veil over her face.
He glanced around the cluttered street, looking for something, anything to defend himself with. Seeing a rusty piece of pipe, he dove for it. The echoing footsteps in the alley were growing louder, and one growling, spitting figure burst into the open space. Clad in heavy leather boots, ripped and grimy jeans stretched tight over his thighs. A flannel shirt hung open over his greasy chest, half covered with a wild black beard. Yellow eyes shone from under limp, greasy strands of hanging black hair. He roared, wordlessly, satisfaction at catching his prey. Swinging his pipe, the man whirled around, and with a flick of his wrist sent his knife spinning through the air. Stumbling back, the man in the flannel shirt roared again, the knife sticking out of his heaving chest.
“Time to go,” the man said, leaning on his pipe and lifting the girl off her knees.
“What’s your name?” She said, sky blue eyes looking through her shroud of hair at him.
“Joshua. Come on.” He took off, pulling her behind him, down the street. As the skies darkened, thunder cracked overhead, lightning splitting the sky, for a moment throwing light on the fleeing figures. Joshua glanced over, seeing the image of the girl, black rings under haggard eyes, the sharp shadow of her long nose stretching across her cheek, her lips parted, gasping for breath. The emptiness following the thunder was silent, still, breathtaking, and the rain began roaring down. They blindly forged ahead, the deluge soaking them to the skin in seconds.
“Not much farther,” Joshua spat through the rain.




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KenClark wrote:The staccato pounding of the 50 cal. machine gun tore at the howling winds, the shrieking chopper blades, like ethereal monsters in a twilight battle, roaring their fury,. Dark, sneering shapes below vanished into the black of the buildings, shops of another, softer time, as concrete exploded from the hail of bullets.

I don't think that comma is supposed to be there.. And I'm not going to correct your grammar if you have any errors, because I'm not good at it so that will probably be the best. Anyway, I like your story this far and looking forward to read more. ^^
May all your dreams come true.. (even the ones they laughed at).




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Hello,

Exciting beginning, pulled me right in - masterfully done. From that end, it was terrific. Loads of active words and appropriate descriptions. No telling us how the weather looks like :)

But those commas irk me, you know? More periods, less commas - less run-on sentences. Terrific sentences that are a bit dragged out and make me want to cut them down - at least in the first paragraph. Later on it gets better. I suppose I'm not making much sense, so:

quote:
The staccato pounding of the 50 cal. machine gun tore at the howling winds, the shrieking chopper blades, like ethereal monsters in a twilight battle, roaring their fury,.

Well, I'd cut "the" before "winds" to make the sentence even faster, but what I really want is a period nsetad of the first comma. Sure, nice descriptions, but here they play the role of a tail (and my cutting down comment still stands!), dragging behind and leaving a bloody trail - the reader, when she gets to the end of that, forgets all about the beginning of the sentence. But then that cut of part will die on its own? Ahh and it's such a nice part, too.

OK, dialogue punctuation will be thrown into the same bag. Sometimes it was right, sometimes it wasn't. A lottery it was! Google is your friend, and there are some articles here on YWS about the topic.


But overall, nice piece - went so fast, so fast, so very fast. Like a bullet :)


Cheers,
Esme




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I like the beginning, it was spectacular.It started with action and ended with more supense. You had me at the edge of me seat and your setenes flowed nicely together. Your composition was good, it was something new to me and exciting.Perfect detail with the sction scenes. I can't wait for it to continue!
"I became insane,with long intervals of horrible insanity."

"Their ideology is that human nature is fundamentally evil.In other words, humans are evil from the day they are born."

"Human is beatiful. Perfect is boring."




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Wow! What a beginning. Everyone else has already mentioned the grammar errors, so I'll just say that this is great! Your descriptions are AMAZINGLY vivid. Well done!




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Classy here, time for a review.

I don't say this often, but this really was amazing. :)

Plot

I think this would be better as a second chapter. Here you are jumping right into the action. We need some explanations first. We need to know at least why he's doing what he's doing, or at least what the girl is doing running. I would suggest making a first chapter about something else. Perhaps the girl and why she's running or out alone in a vacant place. It's not bad at all, and if you did it right, this could maybe be the second half to a first chapter. We just need more insight before you start introducing the main characters.

Characters

I really like Joshua. He seems cool. The girl, on the other hand, I just get an evil impression from her. I know there's not much to base this opinion off of, but she just seems to perfect. And it's too obvious that there's some connection between them, especially since this is only the first part. Your characters are developing faster than your plot. This is not a good thing.

I really like this. You're a good writer. You pull me in to the action, and leave me wanting more.

Questions/comments, PM me.

Classy



I want to see people turn and writhe; make them feel things they cannot see and sometimes do not know.
— Anna Held