The truth. under my tongue. a secret. forever a secret that cannot be shared. caught in the middle and i dont dare open my lips for all to hear. the truth will hurt, i think. for the truth will make everything else seem like a lie... i wish i could spit the truth into the deepest part of the sea,lost..gone. but one day i know as i walk along the shore the truth would reach out and swirl around me, pulling me in until i drowned along with it.
Hey there Morgan! Good to see you around the forums. So I see you just joined today. Why not introduce yourself in the welcome section? Also, keep in mind we like a steady review to post ratio of 3:1! That means for every one thing that you post you should review three other pieces. We give a mild slip to new members, but make sure you get to reviewing before posting too much more! It helps keeps everything fair.
It's really hard for me to give this poem a good review first and foremost because it has no line breaks. I suppose if you want to be very unique in your poetry you could remove line breaks altogether, but I'm only going to assume by your age that you're new to poetry, and so I'd highly advise sticking to basic poetry, and therefore, making use of line breaks. You also have a lot of incomplete sentences and a lack of proper punctuation.
I love the imagery of the truth swirling up and pulling you in, and spitting the truth into the sea. It's really great! But without the proper structure of line breaks, punctuation, etc, you're always going to lack something. Structure is an important place to begin.
Best of luck with this! Hope you enjoy the site.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.” ― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo
So, hello, and welcome to YWS! I'm Elinor, and I will be your reviewer for the evening. - Have you ever tried writing a poem before, sweetie? This isn't at all how poems are written. They need to be divided into lines and stanzas to provoke rhythm and flow, and yours has practically none of that right now. In addition, it's just proper. Imagine writing a story without punctuation or paragraph indention! Which you've got is pretty much the equivalent of that.
Another thing that needs brushing up is your punctuation. You should form sentences in your poetry too, which you don't do. You seem to put your periods in the weirdest places, and it sounds kind of awkward when you read it aloud. Sentences need to have a subject and an action, which yours don't have. Your first couple don't have a subject, and your next couple don't have the action. Oh, and I's should could be capitalized too.
By any chance, is English your first language? This seemed very rough, like it was run through a translator or something.
If you fix those things and make this poem presentable to the reader, just shoot me a PM and I'll be happy to review the other aspects of your poem, such as content. Just remember that your story or poem will not be looked at or taken seriously if the grammar and formatting is way off, even if it's amazing.
If you have any questions, PM me.
-Elinor
All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them. -- Walt Disney
I liked this poem. Along with Elinor Brynn and Suzanne I agree that the main thing you need is punctuation and structure. But, on the other hand, I loved the idea of this poem! The truth is one of those things that is just mysterious and...and missing from ALOT of lives. It is interesting what you say in this poem, because I think anyone can relate to it. That is what I, personally, want to see in poems. The ability for me, and other people my age, to relate to it somehow.
Also, I love the last sentence. It just really pulls me in.
When all you have is nothing, there is alot to go around.
Awesome poem! I love when people get creative with formatting. In my opinion, when it comes to poetry in particular, rules are meant to be broken. Who needs structure when the work flows perfectly? The diction is great, plus it's not too dark and not too light, which I enjoy more than going all-out one way or the other. Honestly I would not change a thing. If you have any more poetry, post it!
"Believe nothing, no matter where you've read it or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." -Buddha
I realy like this poem. Truth sometimes hurts But overall this was a good piece. I'm trying to write my own poetry and make it unique, so I'm reading other poems. I love all the poems here on YWS, everyone has so much talent I Love this poem so much Ikafe
P.S: Love the title
"Even in the darkness, my heart will you..." "How do you escape from yourself?" "...open your eyes, and see..."
i thought that this was wonderful. i'll have to agree with some of the other people, i'd just work on punctuation a bit. i think you only have one problem with punc. i'm not sure. instead of making it into one, big, chunky paragraph, i'd just space it out. new lines-- that sorta thing. but overall, i loved it!
