Secrets - Chapter 1

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Chapter 1

Abigail’s POV

“Math class is so boring,” my best friend Lauren complained in a whisper.
I nodded in agreement. It was almost the end of the school day. We were sitting at the back of the classroom, completely ignoring our math teacher’s lecture on the Pythagorean Theorem. Beside me, my boyfriend Ryan was texting one of his friends.
“Are you going to Kelly’s party on Saturday?” Lauren asked.
I shook my head.
“Why not?” she pressed.
“I already have plans,” I answered. “Are you gonna go?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
Just then the bell rang. We gathered our books and raced out of the classroom. I said goodbye to Lauren and headed to my locker.
As I was putting my books into my backpack, I heard someone come up from behind me. It was Ryan. “Hey,” I said.
“Hey,” he replied. “So, you’re not going to Kelly’s party?”
“No,” I said. “My parents are coming home from London on Saturday and they want to have a special ‘family dinner’ that night.”
“Oh, okay,” Ryan said.
“You’re not going, are you?” I asked.
“Nah,” he said. “I wouldn’t go without you.”
“Good.” I slammed my locker shut and turned around. “Come on, let’s go.”
We walked out of the school building. There was a limo waiting for me in the parking lot.
“See you later, babe,” Ryan said.
“Uh-huh.” I kissed him goodbye and ran over to the limo. Our driver, Thomas, got out and opened the door for me.
“Thanks,” I murmured, getting inside.
I was silent the entire ride home. When I arrived at my house, or rather, mansion, I hopped out of the limo and dashed across the yard to the front door.
It was a warm spring day. I was wearing a light blue t-shirt and gray short shorts. My wavy dark brown hair was pulled into a ponytail.
I rang the doorbell, waiting as a tiny computer inside read my fingerprint. After a minute or two, the door swung open and I stepped in the house.
I was used to being the only one at home, that is, besides our cook and cleaning staff. My parents are secret agents for the CIA and multi-millionaires. Nobody at school knows what they do for a living, just that my family is rich and we live in a mansion with top security. If anybody found out, even my friends, we’d be in trouble.
I climbed up the spiral staircase in the foyer. My flip-flops slapped the marble steps, breaking the eerie silence. At the top of the staircase, I turned and walked down the hallway to my room. I paused outside my door to check my cell phone for text messages. There were none. I opened my bedroom door – and came face-to-face with the hottest guy I’d ever seen in my life.
He was at least half a foot taller than me and had black hair and bright blue eyes. I let out a little shriek and stepped back into the hallway. “Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my room?” I demanded.
He smirked. “Wouldn’t you like to know.” Before I could react, he stepped forward and kissed me. It took me a moment to realize that I was kissing him back. I pushed him away roughly, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. “Get out. Now,” I snarled.
Still smirking, the guy pushed past me and went down the hallway into one of the guest bedrooms. I ran into my room and closed the door, making sure to lock it. I stood on the carpet, breathing deeply. What the hell just happened? I reached into my pocket and grabbed my cell phone. Sitting down on my queen-sized bed, I dialed my mom’s cell phone number and waited for her to pick up.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Mom,” I said.
“This better be important, Abigail,” my mother said. “I have a meeting to go to in a few minutes.”
“Oh, sorry,” I said. “Anyway, I just got home from school and there was some random guy in my bedroom!”
“Oh, did I forget to tell you about that?” my mom said.
“Tell me about what?” I asked.
“One of your dad’s coworkers went missing a few days ago, so his son is staying with us,” my mom explained.
“What?! Please tell me you’re kidding,” I said.
“I’m sorry honey,” she said. “I thought I’d mentioned that to you.”
“No, you didn’t tell me anything of the sort,” I replied, glowering.
“Anyway, his name is Kevin and he’s a few months older than you,” Mom continued.
“Whatever,” I said. “How long is he-”
“I have to go now,” my mother interrupted. “See you on Saturday.” She hung up.
I snapped my cell phone shut and tossed it on the bed. “I hate my life,” I groaned.




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I love it. It's cool. That doesn't happen every day. Please write more.




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I like your story so far. :)
Last edited by amanda0450 on Tue Mar 30, 2010 2:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Good start, definitely worth continuing.

It was a warm spring day. I was wearing a light blue t-shirt and gray short shorts. My wavy dark brown hair was pulled into a ponytail.
I don't think that you should state what she is wearing. Come up with creative imagery to help with the description, and maybe a little bit of what she looks like.

I rang the doorbell, waiting as a tiny computer inside read my fingerprint. After a minute or two, the door swung open and I stepped in the house.
I think that a minute or two is a long time waiting for the door to open if you think about it. Just a tiny detail I noticed.
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Hi whatevr88
I like this. The guy thing is unexpected and it keeps the reader interested.
I hope you carry on with it as it could be a real good story.
Can you pm me when you post more?
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Okay. I plan on posting the next chapter sometime tomorrow, but I'll let you know when I do.

I'm glad you like it so far :)




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This is my first review. I hope I don't mess it up too badly XD

Just then the bell rang. We gathered our books and raced out of the classroom. I said goodbye to Lauren and headed to my locker.

I've noticed that you've used a lot of relatively bland details. Instead of "Just then the bell rang", use something like 'My thoughts were interrupted by a ringing in the hall; the bell had rung.

It was a warm spring day. I was wearing a light blue t-shirt and gray short shorts. My wavy dark brown hair was pulled into a ponytail.

It's not very captivating to describe her clothes like this. It's actually pretty unnecessary, you could include it in some other way if you really wanted to.

I rang the doorbell, waiting as a tiny computer inside read my fingerprint. After a minute or two, the door swung open and I stepped in the house.

I like this part, it sounds high-tech. As someone before me stated, a minute or two is a bit long to wait, even if it is high-tech equipment.

I was used to being the only one at home, that is, besides our cook and cleaning staff. My parents are secret agents for the CIA and multi-millionaires. Nobody at school knows what they do for a living, just that my family is rich and we live in a mansion with top security. If anybody found out, even my friends, we’d be in trouble.

The main thing is, CIA agents really don't make that much. The salary is in the 30-60k range, think more of a teacher's house than a multi-millionaire's. Maybe the money came from a large inheritance, and you could explain that. Or you could make them be FBI agents, whose salaries are in the 6 digits. Though since the FBI deals with internal affairs, they would be in different states rather than countries.

Before I could react, he stepped forward and kissed me. It took me a moment to realize that I was kissing him back. I pushed him away roughly, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. “Get out. Now,” I snarled.

Think about what you would actually do. A guy you've never seen before standing in your house? Is he a burglar? A murderer? Kidnapper? Would you really kiss back? Since she already has a boyfriend, I think she'd at least think of him first. Maybe you would kiss him, but I would be pretty freaked out. Describe how she's feeling- her heart should be pounding fast, she's confused.

“One of your dad’s coworkers went missing a few days ago, so his son is staying with us,” my mom explained.

Just wondering how realistic this is. Maybe her mom is totally out of it, but I think most moms wouldn't let their teenage daughter stay alone with an older guy, or at least they'd think about it first.

The story needs some work, but it's interesting overall ^^
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Hi whatevr88. I loved the story and your easy way of narrating it. I specially got hooked on after reading the secret agent at CIA part. That is amazing and I suggest you to show some mission of theirs in the story. That would be interesting! Good luck with this!

Beside me, my boyfriend, Ryan was texting one of his friends.

“Math class is so boring,” my best friend, Lauren complained in a whisper.

It looks better with a comma,I think.

I was wearing a light blue t-shirt and gray short shorts

Honey, if its a short then generally its short in length only so you don't need to mention it. Long shorts are called Bermudas. Anyway, if you still want to specify it was very short so write,' mini shorts'.
After a minute or two, the door swung open and I stepped in Maybe using inside would look better. the house.


“Wouldn’t you like to know?


Sitting down on my queen-sized bed, I dialled my mom’s cell phone number and waited for her to pick up.


HOPE I HELPED!!! PM me when you have more. Do PM.
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I actually liked it a lot, but there are a few details about what the character is wearing. I think that you should slowly reveal clues about her and not in the first chapter or so.


PM me if you need any other pointers.

Charlotte grace




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nice, i like it! its very interesting. But be more descriptive'cause i have no idea what the place looks like or how the people even look like! But all in all follow what the writers said above me and be more descriptive, i love it, write more!
Nike :)
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OK just a couple notes haha. First off the way you describe how her parents work for the CIA is a little blunt and too straight forward, it doesn't leave any room for suspense. Secondly I really don't think millionaire teenagers wear flip flops, just saying you know :D and lastly instead of kissing her straight on you should have them just have a 'moment' you know? like a long pause and then maybe a kiss on the cheek before he leaves- to build the tension but these are just suggestions. Other then that I love it :)
These lies are leading me astray, it's too much for me to stay. I don't wanna live this destiny, it goes on endlessly. I see you so please stay strong, I'll sing you one last song and then I'm gone. I don't wanna live this destiny, it goes on endlessly.

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Hiya there!!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE this story. Anything that has to do with spies I instantly love.

Nit-picks:
Being a multi-millionaire is the last thing CIA agents want. It draws too much attention to their lives and could risk their covers being blown.
What are the parents' cover jobs? What 'job' would make them travel a lot? Are they bankers, stock traders?
I know if there was some strange guy in my bedroom I'd try to defend myself. Especially if I had spy parents. How does she know he isn't some bad guy?
The CIA probably doesn't want their agents fraternizing much, let alone being in the same house.


It was a warm spring day. I was wearing a light blue t-shirt and gray short shorts. My wavy dark brown hair was pulled into a ponytail.

I don't think you should dump all of this information on the reader so fast. Slowly but surely.
I rang the doorbell, waiting as a tiny computer inside read my fingerprint. After a minute or two, the door swung open and I stepped in the house.

A minute or two? That seems rather long...

Before I could react, he stepped forward and kissed me. It took me a moment to realize that I was kissing him back. I pushed him away roughly, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. “Get out. Now,” I snarled.

I would be beating the snot out of him, not kissing him. But, that's just me. :lol:

Like I said, I love this story. It just needs a few reality checks.
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Hey whatever88.

This is a good story. You've diplayed Kevin's charcter a little already which can be good.
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Great idea to make a story about the daughter of spies, instead of the actual spies--very orignal. But when I was reading, I started to wonder...would the daughter of two kick-butt spies really know what her parents do for a living? Or would they keep it a secret from her to protect her? And maybe she's snoopy and figures it out--who knows?

As somebody else commented before me--they should have covers, maybe something that does allow them to live the affluent life. You should have her dialog more about what life is like--being rich or being in a family of spies!! Everybody would love to know.

As for Kevin...Well, I'd be pissed from the get-go if I found some scoundrel in my room! Yes, he's attractive, but nosy none the less. I think the kiss is nice, but just a little hard to actually imagine because he's a complete stranger she's known for all of two seconds. Maybe give him something sublter, but still reveals his wild side. And hopefully there's some sort of chaperonage going on in the mansion--like a whiny butler or a prying maid--you know kids these days...wink.

Overall...a very creative idea!
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