breadbaking

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the little blue flowers have appeared again, taste-testing, unrolling
themselves, like pillbugs in the palm of a very still hand and you can
see them through the window in the kitchen with its curtains that smell
of cooking oil and have been untouched for years – throaty with dust
and keeping little moths of light within their folds. in the kitchen with grandma
I knead dough. breathing, swelling, rising warm and bloated like love-thoughts
and I let it slug through my fingers and get under my fingernails.
grandma has little patches of flour along her jaw and she kneads
the dough by pressing her entire weight into it and hums
songs I don't recognize.

soon the entire house is filled with the smell of yeast and rising dough
and we cover the five loaves with moist handtowels, like the foreheads
of sick children, and for an hour or so the bread murmurs and stirs
and lifts. the petunias that grandpa picked for grandma cluck in their vase
and poke their heads around curiously and I watch her hands as she picks up
the recipe cards and turns the dials on the oven – it is as if her hand has shrunken
under her skin, the cold bones growing closer together for heat, small
and ordered neatly, like teaspoons in a drawer. they shake,

and she talks to me about her family history, naming names of strangers, calling
them nanna and uncle lyle and talking about their love stories and their
small tragedies. I watch grandpa outside pruning the petunias, snipping their
grand, ballroom blossoms, surrounded by harems of bees, bees that you sidestep
and work around and talk quietly around. the oven and the loaves of uncooked
bread are ready and we place them in ovens and when they come out
they are lovely and warm and it is almost a sin to eat the fresh bread
with jam or butter, but only on its own, in thick slices, and plenty of them.

I sit on the porchsteps and I eat
and grandpa moves among the blossoms like
a neighbor among the quiet, useless antiques in a yard sale.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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Hey, Kylan!

This is beautiful. It is hard to find phrases that don't sit right, but there are a few that I want to point out to you.

rising warm and bloated like love-thoughts


I didn't like this simile and I thought that it went too outside the subject range for this warm, stuffy poem. It's almost as if I don't care about the narrator's love-thoughts. That reaches too far into his personal life when all I want to read about is the kitchen. Try something more appropriate.

it is as if her hand has shrunken


The section about the grandmother's hands seems out of place at first, but then I see that while she's doing things, that's probably where the narrator's attention would be, so I think it fits. But the way you transition to it seems out of character. I think it needs a more personal touch here. Something like "I wonder if her hand has shrunken", or something that brings it about to the narrator would work well.

it is almost a sin to eat the fresh bread
with jam or butter, but only on its own, in thick slices, and plenty of them.


For some reason this section is confusing to me, as I can't tell if they were eaten with jam/butter or alone (because it was almost like a sin), so maybe if you could clear that up just a bit, it would be lovely.

The best part about this poem is that I felt everything was solid except for those places. I love the last stanza, especially:

a neighbor among the quiet, useless antiques in a yard sale.


It, at least for me, brings me personally into the comparison, as I've wandered in yard sales, felt aimless, and it really just brings it all home to me. I love the way that the language you use builds into the effect that you're looking for: the stuffy, bloating, warm feeling of being in a kitchen, being with loved ones that have no responsibility to reprimand you, feeling at ease.

I really like this poem, Kylan. Thank you! PM me if you have any questions!

-Hannah-
you can message me with anything: questions, review requests, rants
are you a green room knight yet?
have you read this week's Squills?




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I am trying to read this aloud to myself and I feel as though I am retarded, I think there's a bit of block-of-text syndrome, like there needs just a touch more punctuation. I like the word pairing of love and thought. There are few other good word pairings too, but you know what they are because you chose them. clever

I think the main way you can improve is condensation. You know what that means and I don't have the energy to explain it. Also I didn't like the ending. It wasn't very strong.

let me explain from a physics standpoint. You have a lot of surface area, if you take some away, then you'll have more pounds per square inch.

or something

best,
my webcomic debuts eventually
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Kylan wrote:the little blue flowers have appeared again, taste-testing

throaty with dust

breathing, swelling, rising warm and bloated like love-thoughts

and for an hour or so the bread murmurs and stirs

the petunias that grandpa picked for grandma cluck in their vase

grand, ballroom blossoms, surrounded by harems of bees, bees that you sidestep


These by far were my favorite images.
Just wonderful some of the word choice. I mean... "throaty with dust" was like... wow...
I can just smell the bread my father has made... and taste it like I was eating it. Of course, I always have to add butter, lol. And I'm really hungry right now.

The only thing I have to say is that I wish the ending had been stronger. It wasn't a bad ending, don't get me wrong. I just suppose I was expecting something different than what I read and it through me off.

Other than that, I really liked the poem. Nice little... descriptive story-poem, lol. Makes me feel warm inside thinking about it.
The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

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Hi there,

So this was really cute and nice, but to me it seemed more like a story than a poem. I don't know, that was just my personal opinion.

But, as you have posted it as a poem, I will review it like a poem. I think in some areas where the lines cut off is a little awkward. It's hard to describe shortly, and I don't have much time to write, so I hope you get what I'm getting at.

Anyway, if you want me to review further later, or if you have any questions, feel free to PM me~~
~~DisturbedDisorder~~

I am a little more provocative then you might be..
It's your shock and then your horror on which I feed..
So can you tell me what exactly does freedom mean..?
If I'm not free to be as twisted as I wanna be..!?

-Divide, Disturbed



You can't blame the writer for what the characters say.
— Truman Capote