I've never been much of a poet, but here's one of my (pitiful) attempts. I got inspired recently. Tell me what you guys think! It's okay, be as harsh as you like
Last edited by Hecate on Sat Sep 25, 2010 11:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Once Upon a Time, I remember not knowing / not knowing that one day I'd look back," That line got to me.
I think this is a good poem. It's beautifully and thoughtfully written, but - ready, it's a bit but - the repetition completely killed it for me. 'Once upon a time' is a cliche phrase, but you're poem is original enough to pull it off. Repeating anything that much however, will destroy any poem.
Again, I do like it a lot, but you must get rid of the repetition. If you do, feel free to let me know and I'll happily give another review.
It was nice. I liked it in the middle I was caught and hung in the poem. I wish I could write poems some times, but I don't really know how to rime all that well
We don't like it because it screams, We like it because its BRUTEL
And then I'd remember, Remember and wonder, how quickly this life, took away what was then, how I woke up, woke up a little each day, and how one day Once Upon a Time, had left me and gone.
This is my favourite piece from the poem. Its beautiful. P.S: Could you review my poem? It's called I Have To End It:) Thanx Ikafe
"Even in the darkness, my heart will you..." "How do you escape from yourself?" "...open your eyes, and see..."
I agree - slight cliche of Once upon a Time is what draws us in, and ultimately, if overused, will draw us out again. I think you're really on to something here! The themes and ideas in this poem are so true, and so concrete - but so explicitly stated at times that they kind of detract from the impact, you know? Kind of like...you need this balance between abstraction and imagination, and true-to-life, dialogue-style realism to make a poem work. Sleep on it.
Ikafe 
