Two (Imaginary) Girls (Edited)

This came about after talking to my lesbian friend, and I had weird idea that what if a story was written good enough to do with this theme. The Stanzas mucked up... sugar.


********

Such cute girl, with red flaming hair,
dazzling smile and bright bright eyes.
Boys tripped over the enigmatic grin,
and tried to bed her frequently.

But this girl had a secret none could tell,
though she was now fourteen and had no
friends, she was following a different trend.

Her best best mate Mary, a sexy beaut no
one could deny, they found each other eight
years ago, and even then the passion was wet
and ripe.

Her very bestfriend Mary, no one understood, no
one tried. They questioned her sanity, rather than
meet her for themselves.

Sexual pleasure from furious desire, they grew up
together and school flew by, both passed with flying
colours, and that day so did their clothes.

Fred's Mum worried as she saw her daughter,
being taboo and following her mind to mental
exile.

A confrontation was bound to happen,
with a doctor with a smirk at how they
were caught.

'Don't you knock, I'm with my girlfriend.'

'Fred, my dear no one is here..'

I thought this poem might me a little too storyish, like a very short story but just placed into lines and a stanza. When you edit this I'd suggest to split these into more stanzas and when splitting the lines up make it flow. I'm not sure that makes sense but... like this-

"The girls often went and had much fun, inside
the school outside in the park, nothing could."

This isn't sort of like a sentence just split randomly in two, instead try to make each line more...alone? Well, I hope this helped in any way! PM me if you need anything

^i object that you say this has too much of a story... this is the narrative poetry section.

also I think its ridiculous... these three poetry sections should just be combined.

but I digress

there are a few parts that i liked. "wet and ripe" That's good sensory detail

I think what weenie meant was that the poem seems a bit prosey, and she's right. I'd say your language could benefit from a little editing. I want to see more specific details

I disagree with Winie but agree with Perdido.

It's a good story and an interesting topic but there is a lack of specific detail that would draw the reader in. It's similar to writing a story, as in, the generalizations aren't important. The specifics are very important. It's what sets this story different from others and it's what makes it unique.

Furthermore, I think this poem lacks fluidity. I read smoothly through it until I got to, "Her best best mate Mary, a sexy beaut no..." Try changing some words around to make it less awkward.

Also, you state Mary is her best friend twice. It's repetitive.

"Friends, she follow a different trend." "she" should be she's.

To be frank, I think you might be relying too much on the topic to make the poem great. The topic will never make your work. It's how you write about the topic. Tell more about the struggle the girl faces. When you write about a topic that is either relatively new or seldom found, then make sure to put your mark on it. Give me more about the struggles you saw your friend go through or if you don't know then make it up. Ask yourself, what do you think happened to her? How did she feel? It's all excellent information the reader wants to know.

Look at Vladimir Nabokov. I couldn't write a novel about a grown man's love affair with a young girl and make it successful because Nabokov has already made "Lolita." It's a controversial book because of the topic. So since your using a topic, that can some times be considered "sensitive," have fun with it. Make the story more believable if it's a narrative. I know more about story telling more than I know about poetry. In any story you tell, the details are the best part.

I have some ways for you to work this out on people, as practice. If you are interested at all, then PM me and I'll tell them to you. Well, good job and good luck. I hope you edit this soon. I would love to read it again. Take it easy, man.

Much Love,
Chris

i thought this was good. it was a nice speed. it had a story bihind it too. i would change the part 'Her very bestfriend Mary, no one understood, no
one tried.' her best friend mary, no one understood, no one ever tried.'

the ending was a little dead if you get me. try to spice it up a bit to leave the reader with an impression.

thank you. x

Hi LastPaladin,

Winnie603 is absolutely correct. This plays out like a story but without all of the benefits of pure prose. You take sentences and break them in half every now and then, sticking them in "lines" and "stanzas" so they look more like poems.

That's not poetry. You need to rely more on the detail of the moment, the pathos behind a nameless quality - areas in which poetry excels more so than prose because its style is less limiting, and therefore less constrictive.

More imagery. It's not enough to say that the relationship was "wet and ripe". That's literally the only way you describe it, then move on to other things. Is the sum of these two characters' relationships really that insignificant that all you can do is say something juicy about it and move on? Poetry is about taking the snapshots and making them move through time and through the reader's brain, not making prose look cooler.

The only reason I believe this can be saved is because you really haven't even started on the real poetry of this piece yet. Compare and contrast. Use description to whatever extent you feel paints a picture thoroughly in the brain of whomever you want to read this. Then post it again.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Thank you everyone and really I know can do better, I have so many poems to work on though because of NaPo but I'll work on this, I love idea too much to let it die. And Galerius thank you especially. I'll repost it once I find time to edit it again.