Happiness

I wrote this for a grade 8 assignment and every stanza had to start with Happiness is... so it's a bit repetitive and doesn't stay on one subject too long
- - -
Happiness is hanging out with your friends
Maybe going to the beach to catch a wave
Lying on the sand without a care in the world
The things you do doesn’t have to depend on the money you save
- - -
Happiness is hearing that engine roar
Revving up the quad
Going up the jump and being suspended in mid air
I have to admit feels a little odd
- - -
Happiness is running on that open field
The grass tickling your bare feet
The hot sun beating down on you
Only to nature I would admit defeat
- - -
Happiness is making something of your life
Don't just sit around and sigh
The world is so big and open
And opportunities just fly by
- - -
So next time you go to school
Pay close attention
And what you must keep in mind is that
Your future depends on your education
- - -
If you want a happy life
Focus on your goals
Because if you don’t
YOU shall pay the heavy tolls

Hey jackle! Welcome to YWS!

This is a very packed poem! Which is a completely awesome thing, don't get me wrong! But you could write an entire poem out of everything that you've pointed out... and I think it would be better. So you could write an entire poem about hanging out at the beach... or driving... or running in an open field... or accomplishing something. So be specific! Focus on one of those things and really try to go in depth with it. It'll be five million times better, honest.

There are many things that stand out about this poem, the total lack of stanzas irritates but the message at the end has the same climaxing feeling as a song I know by a band. But let me explain. I'm last Paladin and I'll be your reviewer. What you have here is lovely imagery without any structure so after a while it repeats Ad-nasueum that is not to say this poem is bad. Because the images though many are quite good. But like Snoink said you should concentrate on one. You shouldn't give us a pretty image and move on. It seems to a popular mistake of lately, giving us just that a lovely picture without any elaboration on it.

Also beginning of your poem doesn't hook instead it detracts and quite a lot indeed, because it loses any uniqueness this poem might have had. Begin the poem with some other line denoting what happiness is, don't tell us, show us and make us guess. Subtle and sublime hints are better than outright telling.

If this came off harsh, I apologize but it's how I improved I sincerely hope it helped.

To be honest, all the advice I could give has already been given, but what I still feel you should definately do is expand on what you've written. I love what you already have here, but there's always room for improvement. Keep writing!

~TheManintheHat