September Ch. 1

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I was sure of three things.
Katherine loved me as much as I loved her.
Katherine was more attractive then any other girl I have ever laid my eyes upon.
And Katherine hid something from me, something extremely important.


Any normal day I would say no to the many girls that asked me out actively.
But today was different, no normal day.
I felt like maybe I should just start dating, just to see how it feels. My head was usually somewhere else, some where where no girl would think of being. I dreamed about meeting someone that had the same thoughts as me. The same mind. I only thought of someday doing something to save something. Anything. Whether it be a school, or the entire country.
This girl seemed different. She was somewhat new to school. I have seen here a few months before. In the beginning when school started in September. Her name was Emily. She had glistering ruby colored eyes, and hair to match it. Her hair came down to her shoulders. Mine was almost as long.
My hair was a strange shade of teal. And my eyes were blank.
My doctor always told me my eyes were a normal blue, but they looked white and snowy.
I was always taller then my other classmates, always. I towered over everyone in eighth grade. Some guys found me intimidating, just because the girls they liked fell for me. I thought I was extremely excruciating looking.
Apparently not.
I was, abnormal. And I was five miles away from the in crowd. My new girl friend, and first one, was also tall, and she liked that I was her boyfriend, because she was taller than a lot of guys in our school.
She asked me to sit by her at lunch, so I smiled agreeably.
My teeth were abnormal too.
The second teeth behind my front were sharp, and when I was a little kid I thought of myself as a vampire, yet I found the taste of blood bitter and horrific.
Scratch that idea out.
My skin tone was also almost pale. Another reason I figured I might be a vampire.
I sat down at the table making a thud with my legs, three inches taller than last year.
It was almost impossible to walk if you had legs somewhat like mine, without falling every fifteen minutes.
I was alone at the table, and I knew it would end soon by past experience. Sure enough, good looking girls surrounded my table to take a seat. Then Emily took her title to the space brushing up against my waste.
She was extremely skinny, she could fit eight of hersrlf on one side of the table. Much less with any other girl, whereas it would be about five.
These tables were short, yet very wide.
The cafeteria was very dull, gray was everywhere you could possibly look, aside from the posters of popular music artists standing with a milk mustache, holding a jar of what gave it to them.
I noticed how Emily rarely got food at all. If she did get any she would offer me more than half of the share.
"Em," I whispered. "Maybe you should eat a bit more, you're gonna start getting to skinny to live. Here," I shoved my generously stuffed taco to the front of her blazing eyes.
She just stared at it for a while and finally answered, "Um, okay..."
She grasped the massive Mexican food and pressed it down here lips.
When she finally was done from her slow munching, she rubbed her napkin against her face.
"And you?" she nudged.
"Huh? Oh, I'm fine." I lied.
"Are you sure?" She questioned.
"Yeah, big breakfast..." I mumbled in my deep, soft voice.

After school I walked near my bus, when I noticed a kid I have not seen before.
My school was very small, and I would have known this girl from before or somewhere.
She must have been new.
I stared at her angelic features. Her soft blond hair, and her beautifully pale skin. Then I noticed her eyes.
That's when it hit me.
A shade too light to be blue...
Wonder where I've seen that before...
Last edited by wasprt1 on Tue Mar 30, 2010 6:41 am, edited 1 time in total.
We don't like it because it screams,
We like it because its BRUTEL

Punk Rock




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wasprt1 wrote:I was sure of three things.
Katherine loved me as much as I loved her.
Katherine was more attractive then any other girl I have ever laid my eyes upon.
And Katherine hid something from me, something extremely important.


I dunno, I just immediately thought of the back cover of Twilight when I saw this.

wasprt1 wrote:She was extremely skinny, she could fit eight of hers on one side of the table.


What? I'm not sure I understand this?

Overall, I thought it was good. It held my attention well, and I thought it had good detail. A bit reminiscent of Twilight, though, but good nonetheless. Keep up the good work. :)




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Thanks ill try to make it less like that because as far as im conserned twilight was really the only book i actually "listened" to and i got a lot of inspiration from her and its sorta the only way i really know how to write. im trying to come up with my own ideas and i promise later on in the story it will be completely my own idea.
We don't like it because it screams,
We like it because its BRUTEL

Punk Rock




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I liked this, especially your descriptions. Here are some things I noticed.

It was almost impossible to walk with my legs without falling every fifteen minutes.

I think this would be easier to read if you left out with my legs.

She was extremely skinny, she could fit eight of hers on one side of the table.

This would be less confusing if it was reworded. I would suggest something like, "she could fit eight more of herself on one side of the table".

Hope that helps you some.




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Hello,

Welcome to YWS, hope you'll have a splendid time here :)

One thing I noticed is that most of your paragraph's are one-liners, and I didn't like that at all. I'm not saying one-line paragraphs are awful in themselves, or that paragraphs have to be the standart circa 5-6 sentences. Short stories are fun this way - the writer can do whatever he or she wants with his or her sentences.

But there's just too many of these one-liners!! It's like falling down the stairs and bumping one's head on each individual step. Your descriptions are, as someone already said, very nice - consider jamming them together?

Or, build around those solitary lines which float, float in mid-air. Add some meat to the skeleton!


Cheers,
Esme



You may deem me romantic, my dear sister, but I bitterly feel the want of a friend.
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein