Silver Moon (Chapter 1: Part 1)

"Ahh!" Screamed Silver as she sat up in bed with a start, her heart beating fast, breathing heavily, her forehead beaded in cold sweat. She laid back down. "Only a dream" she whispered, out of breath. "Only a Night-mare. Not real. They'll never find me." She closed her eyes in relief. She pulled the covers over her head, hoping to sleep some more. Then her eyes widened. What am I doing in a bed?! She jumped out of the bed in panic. Where am I? What is this place?! She looked around the strange room she was in, wondering how she got there. The room was dim, and extremely messy. Eww, She thought as she saw the trash around the corners of the room. She tried to walk forward, but collapsed as pain erupted from her shoulder. She looked at it and saw it was bandaged. She grimaced as she fuzzily remembered that night. Then It dawned to her. Was I captured? She ran around the darkened room in panic, searching for an exit. She stopped suddenly as she heard voices. They were faint, but she could tell what general direction they came from. She walked over to the wall on her right and found the door. She opened it a crack, listening to the voices.
"...Just lying there. It was weird. Like she just appeared there out of thin air. Is she going to be OK?" She heard a boy around her age say
"Gosh Eitan, that is weird. And she should be OK, I think. What ever hit her didn't do any permanent damage, but it is still deep." Said another one that sounded a bit younger
"What do you think hit her?" said the first guy
"I don't know, but there is something strange about that girl,.."
Her eyes widened. They couldn't suspect, could they? She started panicking more, adrenalin racing through her veins. What if they are going to return me? I can't go back. Ever. Have to act now, She burst through the door, surprising the two guys. Guy 1 did look her age, while the other one looked a little younger, but not much. She snarled at them, trying to keep them from daring to move catch her. I can't be caught. I have to run. She ran forward and knocked them down. She went running to the stairs. All she had to do was get down, and find an exit. Then she'd be home-free. She got down the stairs and right into another person. Hard. Her would slowly dimmed, the last thing she saw were the first to boys rushing down the stairs toward her...

(To be continued...)

I thought this was an excellent example suspense and I can't wait to hear more from this story.

Thanks!

Hey there, I'm Hawk and I'm going to review your story!

First off, it's all happening very fast. Slow the pace down a bit; let the reader get a chance to absorb the information of where the characters are, what the entire setting is, who the story is about, details like that.

Something I noticed with your story is that you're doing a lot of telling instead of showing. (Silver woke up, Silver laid back down, Silver heard voices, Silver ran down the stairs). I often catch myself being too "telly"; it's something I'm trying to work on. Here's a great link that explains the difference between showing and telling and how to avoid the latter issue: topic41426.html

Another important part I noticed was your dialogue and punctuation. Again, here's an excellent link that I'm constantly referring to for the rules of that: topic44898.html

Now, I'm going to go through your story and be extremely nitpicky, pointing out anything that catches my eye, so please bear with me!

KinetaAlettaThyra wrote:"Ahh!" Sscreamed Silver as she sat up in bed with a start, her heart beating fast, breathing heavily, her forehead beaded in cold sweat. <-- The part that I've highlighted in red is very long, and makes it a run-on sentence. You definitely want to cut this down to something like: Her heart was beating rapidly and her breathing came heavily. She felt cool beads of sweat on her forehead, indicating the distress of her dream. *Just a suggestion!* She laid back down. "Only a dream" she whispered, out of breath. "Only a Night-mare It's just written "nightmare.". Not real. They'll never find me." She closed her eyes in relief. She pulled the covers over her head, hoping to sleep some more. Then her eyes widened. What am I doing in a bed?! She jumped out of the bed in panic. Where am I? What is this place?! She looked around the strange room she was in, wondering how she got there. The room was dim, and extremely messy. Eww, She thought as she saw the trash around the corners of the room. She tried to walk forward, but collapsed as pain erupted from her shoulder. She looked at it and saw it was bandaged. She grimaced as she fuzzily remembered that night. Then It dawned to her. Was I captured? She ran around the darkened room in panic, searching for an exit. She stopped suddenly as she heard voices. They were faint, but she could tell what general direction they came from. She walked over to the wall on her right and found the door. She opened it a crack, listening to the voices. This whole paragraph, as I mentioned before, is extremely telly.
"...Just lying there. It was weird. Like she just appeared there out of thin air. Is she going to be OK?" She heard a boy around her age How can she tell that he's around her age? What sort of intonation or inflection gives that away? say
"Gosh Eitan, that is weird. And she should be OK, I think. What ever hit her didn't do any permanent damage, but it is still deep." Said another one that sounded a bit younger Again, punctuation's missing here, and "OK" should be written out as "okay."
"What do you think hit her?" said the first guy
"I don't know, but there is something strange about that girl,.."
Her eyes widened. They couldn't suspect, could they? She started panicking more, adrenalin racing through her veins. What if they are going to return me? I can't go back. Ever. Have to act now, She burst through the door, surprising the two guys. Guy 1 When a number is a smaller number, you spell it out, so this should be "one." did look her age, while the other one looked a little younger, but not much. She snarled at them, trying to keep them from daring to move catch her. I can't be caught. I have to run. She ran forward and knocked them down. She went running to the stairs. All she had to do was get down, and find an exit. Then she'd be home-free. She got down the stairs and right into another person. Hard. Her would slowly dimmed, the last thing she saw were the first to boys rushing down the stairs toward her...

Okay, that's my review! Hopefully I've been able to help; those links should be very useful, I'm constantly reading them and others.

Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions!