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Enter: Felix
Finally, one of my favorite characters has arrived. Reading my boring story will be worth it when you finally get to him. Heheh, or at least I think so. :smt003



Elsa wasn’t sure what she had been expecting on the other side of the gate, but if anything, it wasn’t what she saw.
She had to say that she had been anticipating something at least in some degrees shocking or frightening, but as the gates closed behind them, she was looking around at a garden, but a garden unlike anything she had ever seen before. Four lampposts lined either side of the walkway up to the front door, but they weren’t the olive green stems that she was familiar with. Rather, they were made of black iron, like the kind she’d only ever seen before in movies. By the light that they cast, she could dimly see the outline of trees in the background, standing in line like an army of shrubbery lining the walkway. But there was something distinctly odd about the shine from the leaves, and even the dull glow that gleamed from the branches was different, unreal even …
Ignoring Rienzi’s whisper for her to hurry, Elsa veered off of the pathway, stepping onto the grass to take a better look at the trees. It was only then that she saw what was so strange about them. They weren’t real.
Each leaf was delicately carved from a sheet of metal, and the trees were made from solid iron that glinted in the lamplight in a manner that was both majestic and foreboding. Suddenly, a breeze swept across the garden, and Elsa’s ears were filled with a light tinkling. A sound startling alike to what she had always imagined fairy bells to sound like.
“Come on,” Rienzi’s voice hissed in her ear, and she felt his hand around her wrist, tugging her away from the tree with surprising earnestness, “You don’t want to keep Oblivion waiting.”
“But what are they?” Elsa asked, letting the twin pull her towards the house where Javier was waiting, only a silhouette against the rectangle of light the open door provided.
“Trees,” Rienzi replied, “We have them at home you know,”
“I know that.” Elsa answered with some annoyance, “But these ones aren’t real. They’re just …” although she wasn’t entirely sure as to how to describe them.
“Felix makes them,” Javier replied dryly, as they reached the bottom of the three wide marble steps that lead up to the elegant double doors where he was waiting. “He makes everything, can you please hurry?”
Elsa bit back a rude reply and followed him inside the grand house, only to have her breath taken away by the grandeur that greeted her.
Only had she ever seen churches and castles that compared to this private home, what with the large white pillars, domed ceiling and wide staircase with wings that lead off in separate directions.
The floor, she realized, was also made of marble, but had been designed to look like dozens upon dozens of puzzle pieces, put together to form a kaleidoscope picture that she assumed could only be seen from the balcony that hung on either side of the room, probably from the fourth floor. The whole house seemed to have been made from white marble, for everywhere that Elsa looked there seemed to be only more and more of it, the pillars, the walls, the stairs …
“Wait here, we’ll go find him.” Rienzi said, giving Elsa one of his sweet smiles before starting across the floor to the stairs. His footsteps echoed around the room, cutting off the soft echo of his words.
Javier was following him when he paused at the center landing and turned around, an infuriating smirk attempting to be hidden behind a bored expression. “And don’t touch anything,” he added, “Breaking something would not be a very good first impression.” And before Elsa could think of something clever to say in reply, the twins had vanished into the right wing of the house.
Left alone, Elsa felt very small against the high domed ceiling, painted to look like an open sky, with puffy clouds floating around the edges. Since looking up made her feel dizzy, Elsa turned to look around her. There wasn’t much to see once one got past the original amazement at seeing such a wonderful house, but that’s what she noticed the door. She couldn’t believe that she hadn’t noticed it before, and wondered whether if it had been there at all in the first place. From what she had seen so far, she wouldn’t go to say that such a thing was impossible.
She glanced around, the room was stifling with the feeling of her own uneasiness, but some part of her mind was telling her that she had to see what was behind that door. So making sure that she was indeed alone, she crept towards the door.
Elsa was halfway there when there began a rumbling, very small at first, and she was quite unsure as to what it was. Then the silence was shattered by a thunderous trumpet, and she looked up to see a pale grey elephant charging from the left wing, then down the stairs towards her. Her mind didn’t have time to note the strangeness of elephant running down the stairs before the gigantic beast was upon her, and Elsa did the only thing she could think of.
She whipped open the mysterious door and dashed through it, slamming it behind her before the elephant could trample her into the marble floor.
She could still hear it trumpeting behind her, but it was faint, and Elsa became more concerned with what she faced.
It was a long hallway, lined with brown doors that looked completely identical. Looking behind her, she saw that the door she had come through was no more remarkable then any of the others. It was so eerily quiet, that she thought that her footsteps seemed uncomfortably loud in the echo that followed them as she wandered forwards.
Then came the music.
It was so very soft that Elsa was certain that if she had heard it at any other time, she wouldn’t have been able to hear it at all. But within the stillness of the hallway it seemed loud.
The tune was strangely enticing, and familiar to Elsa’s mind, though familiar with the strangeness of a dream and she couldn’t remember hearing it any time before. Without really realizing what she was doing, Elsa set off down the hallway to find it’s source.
She passed door after door, noticing that they were not exactly the same after all, but had a tiny golden number pressed into the center of it, as though someone had burned it there. All the while, the volume of the music was growing steadily louder, until at last, the hallway came to an end, and she was standing in front of another door. But unlike the others, this one was dark purple, and had the number seven hundred painted in a swooping hand across the front.
It was obvious that the music was coming from inside, and Elsa possessed an intense longing to see where it was coming from, but she was suddenly afraid. Afraid of who or what was making the music, and whether they might be angry to have her wandering around there house. She recalled a name that the twins had spoken a few times: Felix. It was his house after all, wouldn’t he be angry to find her wandering around? They had told her to wait …
Before she was ready to open the door, she found that her hand was already doing it. Turning the knob that was no bigger then her fingernail and pushing open the purple door.
A great swell of music greeted her, and she felt rather like the bottom of her stomach had dropped away, making her feel light-headed as she stepped into the dimly lit room. She saw the musician first, sitting at the gigantic grand piano that took up a great deal of the room. The musician had his back to her, but she could a great amount of golden hair and a scarlet silken bathrobe draped around his slender frame.
The rest of the room was mostly in shadows, as she had realized by now that the only light was from a leaping fire in the large hearth that took up most of one wall, but she could see a large grandfather clock, three scarlet upholstered couches and a Ferris wheel the size of a monster truck tire standing on a low table.
“Felix,” came a low voice from somewhere near the fireplace, “We have a visitor.”
The song gave a last graceful arch, and just as the musician was playing the final chord, Elsa realized that it was the same tune that had accompanied her encounter with December, which she realized only then, she had never figured out where it was coming from. Then the pianist was turning around, and Elsa found herself faced with the fearsome Felix she had heard about … only to find that he wasn’t fearsome at all.
What she was greeted with a smile that would have made even her mother like him, as brightening and luminous as the sun. From behind round, gold-rimmed spectacles, he was looking at her with a slightly vague expression in his tawny gold eyes, as though he had just woken up. His hair fanned out from his head, obviously uncombed and made him look like a slightly bemused lion.
“Oh, hello,” he said, tilting his head to the side and looking at her as though he wasn’t entirely sure of why she was there. “Who are you?” He was around her mother’s age, but had fewer lines to show for it, though she did notice creases around his eyes, the kind you could only get from smiling.
“My name is Elsa,” Elsa replied, straightening herself and feeling rather like she was being examined very closely. She was about continue, and explain why she was wandering through his house, when another man melted from the shadows, making her jump.
He was on the shorter side, with long crimson hair tied back from his solemn face. He was wearing a floor length blue cloak, fastened with a bronze medallion on the left side that matched the color of his eyes, a bright bold blue. “Elsa Blackwell,” his said coolly, his voice was deep and reassuring. Though there was something rather animal and predatory about him that slightly disturbed her. “I have heard about you, December found you if I am not mistaken?”
Elsa was unsure of how to reply to this, and he was giving her the oddest expression. Somewhere crossed between hostility and amusement when Felix cut in, saving her the trouble of replying.
“Don’t frighten the poor girl, Oblivion.” The golden-haired man said with a light laugh, “She’s had a long journey, I heard that –“
“Wait,” Elsa interrupted, too surprised worry about being rude. “You’re Oblivion?” She couldn’t help but to stare, the man was intimidating, but she had expected someone a little more … a little more … she wasn’t even sure.
Oblivion’s mouth gave a small upward twitch, “Yes, I am. You’ve heard of me then?”
“Well, I … I mean December, uh, Javier … he—“ she stopped talking, when she realized that Oblivion was chuckling, though she thought that it sounded more like a growl then anything else.
“Well, it is a pleasure to finally make your acquaintance then.” He said, giving her a deep bow, which she would have thought was quite polite of him if she hadn’t suddenly noticed his hands.
From what she could see of his lower arms, they were perfectly ordinary until they met his wrists, then they became strangely twisted, and though he still did have five fingers, they were elongated and knuckled, even his fingernails were long and broken, making him look truly animal indeed.
Elsa stifled a gasp as Oblivion must have realized what she had seen and quickly drew his hands within his cloak once more. He turned away quickly, so she couldn’t see his expression. His must be embarrassed, she thought, a strange tingling ghosting up and down her spine, What a horrible thing to have become of you!
Suddenly the door Elsa had entered through banged open and in rushed Renzo and Javier, both breathing hard with their hair sticking out at all angles, though no where near as messy as Felix’s.
“There you are!” the twins cried in near perfect unison, though one of them sounded relieved while the other angry. Elsa could guess which was which.
“We’ve been looking everywhere!” Rienzi declared, his relief obvious as he staggered forwards, still gasping for breath. “I told you to stay in the entrance hall.” Javier had suddenly become very erect, he had suddenly noticed Felix and Oblivion, the latter still facing away from them. But Felix was eyeing tem with his large golden eyes, bearing an altogether resemblance to an owl.
“I’m very sorry about her—“ he jabbed a thumb in Elsa’s direction while dropping in a deep bow. Elsa had a passing thought that they did a lot of bowing in Merriot all the while being annoyed at being referred to in such a manner. “—wandering in here, I’m sure you two were discussing very important matters.”
“Actually, we were wondering what color of ice cream they would be serving at breakfast.” Felix replied with a small, dreamy smile. “They served that excellent blue kind yesterday, and I thought that they might be serving purple or red.”
This statement was met with a short silence, Elsa couldn’t help but think that he was even crazier then he looked, but if there had been a reply to that from any of the others present, it was interrupted by the arrival of the elephant.
"With all due respect, sir. I distrust your hat entirely."-- Jae Marquis




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Hi, Jester! I don't know if this a continuation of anything. I don't think it is, but I'm confused and tired. So if it is, excuse my ignorance. Anyways, let's get to it!

She had to say that she had been anticipating something at least in some degrees shocking or frightening, but as the gates closed behind them, she was looking around at a garden, but a garden unlike anything she had ever seen before.


Okay. My first point to you would be to try something I've never been able to master: keep it simple. I can't do it with my own writing, but when I look at yours, I can see you cutting this to: "She had expected something shocking, at least to some degree, but instead she was looking at a garden." The rest of the description of the garden should get the point across that it was unlike anything she's ever seen before. You do this a lot in this piece; that is, you spend a lot of time describing one thought when you don't need to, and it makes it more difficult to read through your writing to get to the next part without getting bored.

But there was something distinctly odd about the shine from the leaves, and even the dull glow that gleamed from the branches was different, unreal even …


You use 'even' twice here, and the uses are too close together to go unnoticed. Plus, the first time you use it, it's supposed to denote a contrast, which is doesn't, because both parts of the sentence are talking about the same thing. Just cut a half of it.

It was only then that she saw what was so strange about them. They weren’t real.


Also, in this first part, you keep dragging the reader along with cues like 'it was only then'. The thing is, we're reading in a succession and assume that the events happen in the same order. We know that you wouldn't say she noticed that they weren't real before she actually noticed it, unless you were trying to pull something, so you don't need that first part of the sentence at all!

A sound startling alike to what she had always imagined fairy bells to sound like.


The way you've worded this sentence does not make sense. Try something like 'It was a sound like fairy bells, she thought.'

tree with surprising earnestness, “You don’t want to keep Oblivion waiting.”


Also, a quick tip! Not everything needs an adjective, and not every speech tag needs a description of how it was said. If you say that the earnestness was there to contrast some element of this character that a reader of the whole would have known, that's okay, but if it's just to add pretty words, just take them out.

Elsa bit back a rude reply and followed him inside the grand house, only to have her breath taken away by the grandeur that greeted her.


Hey, man. Take out the first 'grand'. If you're going to tell us the house is grand, you don't have to put it in both parts of the sentence. Please pay attention to doing this, okay?

She passed door after door, noticing that they were not exactly the same after all, but had a tiny golden number pressed into the center of it, as though someone had burned it there.


You go from plural to singular here. Fix it up. ^_^

What she was greeted with a smile that would have made even her mother like him,


First, let's make this less confusing and write it as 'She was greeted with a smile ... etc'. Second, unless we know her mother before in this story, this means nothing to the reader. Just saying.

“I have heard about you, December found you if I am not mistaken?”


Okay, I ignored them the first couple of times, thinking they were just accidents, but I've gotta mention them. You use a lot of comma splices. This is when you put two complete sentences together using only a comma. Fix it by using a period, a conjunction, or a semi-colon. Also, go find the other ones and fix them, too. xD Be sure to read through your submissions before you submit them so you can catch little errors like this.

He said, giving her a deep bow, which she would have thought was quite polite of him if she hadn’t suddenly noticed his hands.


This doesn't make sense to me. I think she still thought it was polite, but she was just distracted by his hands. Rephrase this to illustrate the progression of emotion more accurately.

His must be embarrassed, she thought, a strange tingling ghosting up and down her spine, What a horrible thing to have become of you!


Comma splice. Also, that last sentence doesn't make sense. Perhaps you meant 'What a horrible thing to have become' or 'What a horrible thing to have happen to you'.

This statement was met with a short silence, Elsa couldn’t help but think that he was even crazier then he looked, but if there had been a reply to that from any of the others present, it was interrupted by the arrival of the elephant.


I love that ending line. Hehehe. But break up this sentence so it's easier to follow.

Also, I can see why you might speak about liking Felix a lot, but if you thought that you'd illustrated why the reader should like Felix in this passage alone, you might be wrong. We get a vague sense that he might be interested, but we don't get to see or watch enough of him to really form an opinion, unless we just form it based on his lion-hair.

Overall, some of your characters are pretty flat. If you introduced them in an earlier part, that might help (since this is mostly walking/action kind of thing), but if this stands alone, it's far from the level it needs to be at.

PM me if you have any questions! ^_^

-Hannah-
you can message me with anything: questions, review requests, rants
are you a green room knight yet?
have you read this week's Squills?




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What Hannah says, I love your writing, Jokeless. There's this book called Monster Blood Tattoo, it's a trilogy. The writer is Australian, I think, and his name is D.M. Cornish. His writing is extremely detailed and complex, but beautiful even if you do or don't unravel it. However, Hannah, I respect your views and all that. You're entitled to your opinion. I'm stating mine. :) I'm trying to say this as kindly as possible. Oh, why am I even bothering no one's probably even going to read this.

Bek. :elephant:



Is anyone else desperately waiting to see themselves in the quote gen?
— TheCursedCat