Kynbayer - Prologue

The world was dying. Mother Nature was fighting back against the destruction humans' had caused. The only group of people not struggling was the Kynsar.
The Kynsar had grown from South America, and had spread themselves out across the world. And then they invaded, destroying Britain, America, Germany, China, Russia, Africa – every country was destroyed. Every country was renamed. Britain became Kynbayer.
The world was reborn.

Hi KillTheLights. I really loved the story and the thought behind it. The prologue was short, simple and sweet. There was no grammatical error as such except for the ones I have pointed out below.

Mother Nature was fighting back against the destruction humans' had caused.

Not one human had caused all this destruction but many. So the rule says write the plural form and then put the apostrophe.
For eg: dogs' house

The only group of people not struggling was the Kynsar.

It is one group so we will use.'was' for them.

I would love to read more of this and please PM me when you come up with more.

KillTheLights wrote:The world was dying. Mother Nature was fighting back against the destruction human’s had caused. The only group of people not struggling were the Kynsar.
The Kynsar had grown from South America, and had spread themselves out across the world. And then they invaded, destroying Britain, America, Germany, China, Russia, Africa – every country was destroyed. Every country was renamed. Britain became Kynbayer.
The world was reborn.

This piece is really short so I won't really critique content. Just a few tips:

1.) Mother Nature was fighting back against the destruction humans had caused.
-You don't need a possessive form because nothing is being possessed.

2.) You use a lot of verbs of 'be' (am, is, was, were, be, been, being). There's technically nothing wrong with this, but it weakens your writing in the same sense that repeating the verb 'ate' would. "I ate a banana. I ate an apple. I ate all these things, but I ate more apples than bananas." Try varying your sentence structure... I think you'll be pleased!

So I'm under the impression that the main aspect of the story are these groups of people - the Kynsar's - who have attempted and succeeded to rule the world.

But you haven't made the connection between the two main themes in this prologue - mother nature and Kynsar. You tell us of this:

Mother Nature was fighting back against the destruction humans' had caused.

And then move straight onto this:

The only group of people not struggling was the Kynsar.

Thought this is the prologue and I understand that some things must be left to be revealed in the actual story, you haven't made any connection here. From what you've told us, we know that Kynsar are a group that have successfully ruled the world. But first, you tell us that Mother Nature is fighting back for the damage that humans have caused. How do these tie together? You go on to elaborate how Kynsar had started and how they had spread, but you leave 'Mother Nature was fighting back against the destruction humans had humans had made' on its own. We don't know why you have left that sentence just on its own, we don't know how Kynsar are possibly tied or were created as a result of Mother Nature fighting back. You just elaborate on Kynsar.

And then, the last sentence, 'The world was reborn.'

I can tell that this is somehow connected with other Nature, but you haven't clarified it. It could mean so many things. The world being reborn could mean history repeating itself, or it could mean that the world is undergoing a huge amount of change, etc - the latter being most probable.

Something else I've noticed is that you wrote this prologue as if it were a non-fiction book. You merely gave the facts, no emotion, no interesting sentence structure to draw the audience in

The world was dying. Mother Nature was fighting back against the destruction humans' had caused. The only group of people not struggling was the Kynsar.

These sentences are concise, they're dull and they do nothing for me. Get deep into the emotion, because you need to make the facts and feelings cohesive, you need to make them stick together so they weave into the audience's mind fluently.

You haven't told us if the world fought back against Kynsar, you haven't told us what political stance or tendencies Kynsar have; whether they are violent or peaceful, or want the best or want to make a dictatorship out of the world. You need to tell us this, and understand that this won't even be revealing a lot; it'll just tell the reader the necessary information to decide whether they like what they are going to read.

Hey, Classy here. Time for the review.

The only group of people not struggling was the Kynsar.

So, I'm pretty sure it's "The only group of people not struggling were the Kynsar." But I'm not sure. When I read it the way you typed it, something just didn't sound right.

I don't get a lot from this. I hate encouraging people to get rid of their prologues, but yours is a bit... without purpose. It sounds cool, and excites me to read the rest because your story reminds me of the show Avatar: the Last Airbender. But, this could easily be posted at the beginning of the first chapter.

Can't wait to read more (if you post it, of course.)

Questions/comments, PM me.

Classy

First of all, let me ask you a question.

Have you done any reviews? Because I noticed your review count is at zero, and I'm not sure if your reviews were simply too short to count or if you just posted your story straightway. If it's the latter, I'd advise you to review a couple of stories. 2 reviews per story post. That's kind of a rule here.

Most of my nitpicks have been covered. The only thing I really hated was that it was too short. You have a beautiful writing style, although it does lack polish, and you ended it very well. But I could be delving in a gory story or one like 'Avatar'. You don't give away any information. I'd advise you blend in some of chapter one with your prologue.

PM me when you have the next piece up. I'd like to read it.

GRADE: Too short for a true grade, but probably D.