The Brethren's Child

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Okay, well I got this idea for a story last night and wrote down a short blurb. Then today, I was in the YWO chat room and the people there decided to do a writing war, which is where you write something for twenty minutes and see who can get the farthest. I decided to try writing parts of chapter 1. Well, here's the blurb and the part. It really needs editing. I hope you enjoy.

Spoiler
Blurb:

There are things that reside in this world that are unknown to society. Creatures spawned from the Brethren themselves, spat out of Hell, left to wander the world, destroying all within their path. Fire demons, vampire, werewolves, Mordens – all creatures created for destruction. And then there are those like myself. Descendents is what they call us, for we are the very children of the Brethren gods. I have seen what Hell looks like, for it is my home. We hold powers no other creature of Earth can. Each of us is unique in our gifts. The elements, manipulation, fear, death, it is all ours. Only our parents can control us. We look human when we wish to, but we are far from it. I am Warren, son of Marion, Brother of Lies, manipulator of human, and controller of fire. And I have been cast out of home.

February 23, 2010




Spoiler
Chapter 1

The beast huge red eyes stared hatefully at her. Keira spun, striking the creature across the temple with her staff. Its head shot back, taking its body with it as it met the ground. Before she could step in for the kill though, the creature was back on its feet, claws exposed and ready to shred her to pieces. She attacked it again, but this time the creature was ready, catching her staff and wrenching it from her fingers. Within seconds, the staff was splinters. The creature turned back to her, ready to pounce.

Keira prayed then. Guardians, protectors of all things right, gods of this world, help me to defeat this beast of darkness. She stretched out her hands, light sprouting from her finger tips and latching on to the beast. It was pure and bright, surrounding and engulfing the struggling creature.

It grew on its body, covering every inch until there was no creature, only pure light. With a flash, the light winked out of existence, leaving emptiness in its place.
Keira slumped forward, catching herself before she fell. The Guardians had the ability to channel power through a person, but it still took energy to use magic. Colt was by her side in a moment, helping to steady her.

“You alright?” he asked, concern whipping across his face.

“Yeah. I’m fine,” she said, her chest moving up and down rapidly. She glanced up, studying his face. His dirty, short-cut blonde hair was cemented to his head with sweat, his blue eyes betraying his concern. Seeing, her looking at him, Colt released her and stood back, his cheeks slightly blushing with embarrassment.

“Good. You did well for your first solo. We’ll make a warrior out of you yet,” he said, slapping her on her back. He always seemed awkward around her, never wanting them to be alone in a room together. He struck out in a sense that it was his turn to oversee the newbies. Guardians, he faces monsters. He’s not afraid of anything.

Keira looked around her. The street was dark, the streetlamps knocked out by the creatures. They loved darkness. The road was littered with monsters, Mordens, which she realized had been the creature she was fighting, Vampires, and Wolves, all dead and slowly dissolving before their eyes. She’d only had to use her magic, or the Guardian’s magic, once. Mordens were great, bear liked beast that could manipulate shadows, as well as having huge claws and teeth. Her clothes were stuck to her chest, soaked through with sweat, which she realized must not look very good. Who gives a crap? I’m a warrior, not a freakin cheerleader! Colt smirked at her, as if reading her thoughts.

"What you smiling about?" she said, her voice challenging him. He may be my superior, but I ain't taking shit from anyone.

"Nothing." Colt’s back stiffened and his eyes darted to the shadows. “Let’s get going before something else shows up.” He started down the street, Keira on his heels, bound for the temple.

***
Silly humans, Warren thought as he looked out from the shadows of the alley. They think they are so powerful. They have no idea what true power is. The girl looks interesting, though. I could have some fun with her. But, that'll have to wait. He stretched out his hand, power coursing through him. Seconds later, the dead began to stir; first the vampires, then the wolves, finally the Mordens. They looked around, shocked for a second, before detecting his presence in the shadows.

“Ah, yes. I suppose you weren’t expecting to be back here. You wanted to go home. Well, tough luck. I can’t go home, and now, neither can you. You shall serve me.” He knotted his hand into a fist, and the monsters bowed uncontrollably in response.

***

The temple was bright, lights built in everywhere. Seeing as the Guardians were of the light, you couldn’t blame them. You would expect that a place like this would be silent, hallowed, but it wasn’t. Keira and Colt were bombarded with sounds as they walked through the door.

***

To Be Continued(sometime in the future. Who knows when).
Men's reach should exceed the stars... else, what's a heaven for?




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Hello! :D

I think you have a very neat idea. I love fantasy, and this idea is always very interesting for me to read. The whole priest magic, calling-on-the-gods thing is so cool. And you definitely know how to keep your story moving. The fight scene in the beginning was pretty good, I thought.

I think the love interest was very rushed, however. Since this isn't a romance, that shouldn't be the story's focus at all. It should come naturally throughout the story. In this chapter, the main focus is that battle, and so having the narrator explain the one guy's interest in the MC is a cliche tangent, especially in the heat of battle. If your characters are developed well enough, you shouldn't ever have to worry about mentioning the love interest.

And a second thing I thought was unnecessary was the villain's point of view at the end. I'm not going to lie, I love looking into the bad guy's head once in a while. However, the main focus of the bad guy's point of view here was to tell the reader that someone was after the MC. Well, we already knew that when watching her battle something! And if that was completely different, we would easily find that out very soon. Unless the villain's going to explain his relationship with the girl or foreshadow what's about to happen, mentioning that he's interested in making her his wife is rather pointless, especially when first introducing the villain.

That's all I have to mention though! I think this story is very neat and has some potential, so don't give up on it! PM me if you need anything. :D

Keep writing!

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Let me point out that there are actually two MCs. The girl, and the bad guy. It's fantasy, but also romance. I figured it would fit better here. The girl does fall in love, but just not with who you think.
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Hi KanenRenoir
I like this post. I think its really good, I especially like the way that there will be two narrators of the story, it can sometimes make the story hard to follow but it is a good way to tell a story.
I didn't see anything wrong with it so I have no nit-picks.
Can you pm me when you post more?
Thanks
midnightread :elephant:
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Didn't I tell you I was going to seek some of this out?

I. NITPICKS

The beast huge red eyes stared hatefully at her.


Beast's, maybe?

light sprouting from her finger tips and latching on to the beast.


fingertips.

The Guardians had the ability to channel power through a person, but it still took energy to use magic.


This sentence threw me, change it around.

Seeing, her looking at him,


No comma after seeing.

bear liked beast


bear like.

II. POINT OF VIEW

Now, I realise you want to use two points of view, and that's perfectly fine by me, I do it myself. But I feel like your hop here was too sudden, and our portion with Warren was too small.

It was something I had to teach myself as well, randomly hopping really doesn't work that well. It throws your readers off, and it doesn't allow you or us to get to know your characters as well as we might like.

My advice would be to stick to your characters for longer periods of time. If that means missing out certain little snapshots, it doesn't matter. Say for instance here- if you showed Warren watching Keira fight and leave rather than telling us how Keira herself thought- what are you missing out on? An example of her calling on the guardians? Is that all? Or if you missed out Warren calling up his minions, well, wouldn't we find out it was him when you got to his PoV eventually? Do you get what I'm saying? Less is more!

III. OVERALL

I like!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010



Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!
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