The Necromancer's Apprentice part one

skutter11 wrote:This is the first part of a ongoing story. It is imperative that I get rid of all mistakes now, so that it can work! Enjoy!__________________________________________________________________________________________
The Grand Necromancer looked upon his apprentice with pure scorn That's rather bland. Describe his facial expression more. What do his eyes show? Is he frowning, Is his face flushed with anger?.
"You shall never become a Necromancer if you do not study!", he shouted angrily at his pupil. "If you ever do this again, I shall turn you inside out, and if you don't die then, I shall kill you and bring you back to life as a combot! Clear?!",No need for that comma. Also, I think you need to start a new sentence here. his gruff, booming voice echoed through the hall, causing the growing fear in the pupil to reach terror.Again, rather bland. Is the pupil shaking? Go into detail.
"I-I'm s-s-sorry m-master", stammered the pupil,"I-It w-won't h-happen again." He knew what a combot was. It wasI think you can cut this, it's not needed and repetitive. a tourtured soul, meant to serve the person whom who summoned it.
"It better not!",Again, you don't need this comma. shouted the Old Necromancer."Now go to that far shelf, and fetch the Telecomecon. We are going to cover Speaking"
The tone of his voice had changed so quickly that it took the pupil by suprise Ok, so you say his tone has changed. Yet, from what you said, he's still shouting. How's that changing the tone? You need to describe that part more. It's confusing., but he did as he was told. He scurried to the furthest shelf and took out a book that was half the size that he was.[/b This sentence just confuses me. I would consider rephrasing it.] It was covered in dust [b]that was a inch thick. I would simply say "...covered in dust an inch thick." or "covered in an inch-thick dust". I think both of those flow better. After lifting the heavy Tome I don't think Tome needs to be capitalized. and scurried You've already used this word once. Find a different verb. across the room towards the Grand Necromancer.
"Now, Arthaea, what is the incantation for waking the past gone I get you're trying to be creative, but "past gone" just doesn't sound right, at least it doesn't to me. I would just say "dead".?", the Grand Necromancer asked his pupil.
"Necro, Necree, Necrae, Necaio", said Arthaea, rolling his eyes up to the ceiling,When you say "rolling his eyes" I think like of a thirteen year old girl being rude to her parents. I don't believe that's the case here. I would find a different way to phrase that. as if that held the answer.Again, this part confused me. I assume you are talking about the ceiling. I would rephrase again.
"Good, but why can't you use this at the moment?", No comma, again. asked the teacher, his anger for Arthaea completely gone.
"One, because there is no body, Hehehe...no body. Nobody. Sorry, I'm just being weird. and two, there has to be the right environment. The environment is not right here because it is too damp This sentence basicly repeats what was just said. I would rephrase it to something like "It's too damp here."", No comma. he said, as if he was You can just cut this part. It's not needed. quoting from a textbook. He had been a apprentice for many years. Eventhough he looked like a tall and thin This part sounds strange. Simply saying "Tall,thin..." would work a lot better. seventeen year old boy, he was infact one hundred and fifty years old and had to learn all of the curses, spells and incantations in that time. Then why is the master yelling at him that he's not studying? If he already knows it all, why does he even have a master?
As the candle light flickered for a moment, his master said in a grave voice, "Very good, young one. Now, where are we to get a empty shell I get what you mean here, but there are some people who really will think you're talking about a sea shell. Clarify that. ?",Again, no comma. he asked this Cut this. in a calm, yet grave voice. This made Arthaea nervous. Start a new paragraph. You changed speakers.He gulped,"From the cemetary, sir", he said, cautiously. The last time he got a question wrong, the Grand Necromancer decided to bury him alive and didn't let him out for two weeks.New paragraph. "Yes, that is correct, Arthaea", No comma. replied the Grand Necromancer, "We are to get a empty shell tonight, so you had better go to your chamber Elaborate on why he has to go to his chamber.", No comma. he continued, still keeping the grave tone of voice as he said this.
"Yes, sir,", No comma. replied Arthaea and scurried That's the third time you've used that verb. Find a new one. off to his room. The Grand Necromancer sighed, I wish he would grow out of sleeping, he thought, I did when I was his age. I would italicize his thoughts.
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P.S, A necromancer is a type of wizard whom uses death magic to wake up the dead, kill and communicate with them.