the chosen one part 1

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Our story begins in a far away land, on the surface this world looks calm and peaceful but looks can be deceiving .for this world has had a bloody and violent past and there is a chance of this happening. The world has four kingdoms each different to each other as you will soon find out. Each hides a child who is destined to become a seeker, but a seeker is only born every one thousand years. A seekers is a chosen child who is part god, he has hidden magical powers that are revealed on his fourteenth summer, the last four seekers were born one hundred years ago so in theory there shouldn't be another in 900 years however fate is spontaneous, it doesn’t follow any patterns.

The world is still suffering from the last seekers as three of them were twisted to the evil forces buy the evil lord from the hidden land, some say the hidden land is above in the clouds some say in the center of the earth. There was one seeker who saw the light, he committed his life to destroying the lord and his minions. He fought the seekers and killed them he faced up the lord and banished his soul. The seeker was left half dead but he struggled back to his home town were he finally died one week later, he lives on in the rain forest people’s hearts, each year when the sun aligns with the moon they pray to him and thank him for saving them.

Now let me tell you about a young boy from the rain forest kingdom, his name is Brian Sheperd, at the tender age of eleven seasons, he is no different to any of the other rain forest people, he is 4ft tall like everyone else. His emerald green eyes are as green as spring grass, they almost appear to be luminous in the moonlight, he has scruffy light brown hair. He is from a humble family that struggle through life. His father William is a septel farmer, he works hard to get the food on the table so much so he spends most of the night working out in the fields, his lack of sleep had had an adverse affect on his facial appearance his forehead was etched with deep wrinkles, his hair was turning Grey, far too Grey for his age and he was all skin and bones. Brian and his mother often worried about his health, he was always coughing. His mother on the other hand is as fresh as daisies, she was tall for her kind she had long black hair, it often hid her face like a veil, she had a small nose, thin eyebrows, she was a kind caring mother who always wanted to now what was happening and was always willing to offer a helping hand or a shoulder to cry. School was miserable for Brian he was always teased he was the punch bag and he was free to punch. The school had an elite team of bullies who were led by Malaky, and then by his brother Rick. Brian wasn’t the only one who was picked on there were lots of other kids who had there lunch stolen, there money, basically what ever you had the bullies had to have and that’s only the beginning they were constantly praying annoying pranks that leave someone extremely embarrassed and most of the time that was poor old Brian. School was prison.

Brian walked down the cobbled path with his head down, today had been a bad bad day, Malaky was off school with a supposed fever but everyone knew that he was somewhere in the forest smoking. So without him Rick was unfortunately in charge and he felt like beating Brian up. After there particularly boring History lesson Brian walked out and into Ricks ambush. He and his cronies jump off from the roof and onto Brian. Rick’s foot dug into Brian’s neck, however just as he was about to scream out in pain, Thomas, the other bully covered his mouth with his dirty sweaty palm.

Rick began to dig in Brian’s pockets looking for some money, he suddenly recoiled screaming at his index finger. What happened next made Brian feel just a little bit better. A Flint arrow head was stuck into his finger he ripped it out cursing. He threw it away into the distant forest in anger. This made Brian go mad he forced his way out of there grip and sprinted out into the forest looking for the arrowhead. Brian had had that arrowhead since he was a small baby, his older brother had given it to him just before he left to work out in the west of the forest up in one of the many moss farms. Brian couldn't remember his brother so he felt that all he had left of his brother was the old arrowhead.
He couldn't believe he had lost it. Tears streamed down his freshly bruised face as he ran into the distance. He finally stopped hours later, gasping for air. He sat down on the ground and wiped off the tears. He looked around. He was under a humongous tree that toward above all the others. On the ground there were fallen leaves that were slowly rotting. Thick vines grew along the floor searching for the sunlight. Lush green plants were growing abundantly, some with blue flowers, and some with bright yellow flowers that glowed like the sun. After he had taken in these wonderful sites the feeling of pure amazement was taken over by fear. Were was he? He had never gone this deep into the forest he always stuck to the trails, but he was a long way away from any trail. He cursed to himself. “You stupid fool” he thought as he banged his head against the tree.

Soon it started to get dark and Brian began to worry. Howls could be heard in the distance, little insects buzzed around nipping at his skin. Brian decided to take refuge in the tree, he climbed up to the canopy, he was startled by the view, he could see for miles and, he nearly fell out of the tree with joy when he saw his home town, he lay down on the thick branches.
life is what you make of it.
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Hey there! My name is Sam, and I'll be your reviewer today. I'm going to start out with a few nitpicks, but the crux of my review will be below.

wiggy1 wrote:Our story begins in a far away land, on the surface this world looks calm and peaceful but looks can be deceiving .for Probably just a little error, but an easy fix ;] this world has had a bloody and violent past and there is a chance of this happening. The world has four kingdoms each different to from each other as you will soon find out. Each hides a child who is destined to become a seeker, but a seeker is only born every one thousand years. A seekers is a chosen child who is part god, he has hidden magical powers that are revealed on his fourteenth summer, the last four seekers were born one hundred years ago so in theory there shouldn't be another in 900 years however fate is spontaneous, it doesn’t follow any patterns.

The world is still suffering from the last seekers as three of them were twisted to the evil forces buy the evil lord from the hidden land, some say the hidden land is above in the clouds some say in the center of the earth. There was one seeker who saw the light, he committed his life to destroying the lord and his minions. He fought the seekers and killed them he faced up the lord and banished his soul. The seeker was left half dead but he struggled back to his home town were he finally died one week later, he lives on in the rain forest people’s hearts, each year when the sun aligns with the moon they pray to him and thank him for saving them.

Now let me tell you about a young boy from the rain forest kingdom, his name is Brian Sheperd, at the tender age of eleven seasons, he is no different to any of the other rain forest people, he is 4ft tall like everyone else. His emerald green eyes are as green as spring grass, they almost appear to be luminous in the moonlight, he has scruffy light brown hair. He is from a humble family that struggles through life. His father William is a septel farmer, he works hard to get the food on the table so much so he spends most of the night working out in the fields, his lack of sleep had had an adverse affect on his facial appearance his forehead was etched with deep wrinkles, his hair was turning Grey, far too Grey for his age and he was all skin and bones. Brian and his mother often worried about his health, he was always coughing. His mother on the other hand is as fresh as daisies, she was tall for her kind she had long black hair, it often hid her face like a veil, she had a small nose, thin eyebrows, she was a kind caring mother who always wanted to now what was happening and was always willing to offer a helping hand or a shoulder to cry. School was miserable for Brian he was always teased he was the punch bag and he was free to punch. The school had an elite team of bullies who were led by Malaky, and then by his brother Rick. Brian wasn’t the only one who was picked on there were lots of other kids who had there "their" lunch stolen, there "their" money, basically what ever you had the bullies had to have and that’s only the beginning they were constantly praying annoying pranks that leave someone extremely embarrassed and most of the time that was poor old Brian. School was prison.

Brian walked down the cobbled path with his head down, today had been a bad bad day, Malaky was off school with a supposed fever but everyone knew that he was somewhere in the forest smoking. So without him Rick was unfortunately in charge and he felt like beating Brian up. After there "Their" again ;] particularly boring History lesson Brian walked out and into Ricks ambush. He and his cronies jump off from the roof and onto Brian. Rick’s foot dug into Brian’s neck, however just as he was about to scream out in pain, Thomas, the other bully covered his mouth with his dirty sweaty palm.

Rick began to dig in Brian’s pockets looking for some money, he suddenly recoiled screaming at his index finger. What happened next made Brian feel just a little bit better. A Flint arrow head was stuck into his finger he ripped it out cursing. He threw it away into the distant forest in anger. This made Brian go mad he forced his way out of there "their" grip and sprinted out into the forest looking for the arrowhead. Brian had had that arrowhead since he was a small baby, his older brother had given it to him just before he left to work out in the west of the forest up in one of the many moss farms. Brian couldn't remember his brother so he felt that all he had left of his brother was the old arrowhead.

He couldn't believe he had lost it. Tears streamed down his freshly bruised face as he ran into the distance. He finally stopped hours later, gasping for air. He sat down on the ground and wiped off the tears. He looked around. He was under a humongous tree that toward above all the others. On the ground there were fallen leaves that were slowly rotting. Thick vines grew along the floor searching for the sunlight. Lush green plants were growing abundantly, some with blue flowers, and some with bright yellow flowers that glowed like the sun. After he had taken in these wonderful sites the feeling of pure amazement was taken over by fear. Were was he? He had never gone this deep into the forest he always stuck to the trails, but he was a long way away from any trail. He cursed to himself. “You stupid fool” he thought as he banged his head against the tree.

Soon it started to get dark and Brian began to worry. Howls could be heard in the distance, little insects buzzed around nipping at his skin. Brian decided to take refuge in the tree, he climbed up to the canopy, he was startled by the view, he could see for miles and, he nearly fell out of the tree with joy when he saw his home town, he lay down on the thick branches.


Now, for the real review. I think this piece has very good potential. The one thing you need to do, however, is read it out loud to yourself. Now, if you pause at all during a sentence while reading in a place where there is no punctuation[/i], put it there. That's your main problem, here. The punctuation is choppy, and the flow suffers as a result. So, remember, [b]any sort of pause that you think should be there after reading it aloud, put it there, either in the form of a comma or period. You could serve to omit a few punctuation marks, as well.

this world has had a bloody and violent past and there is a chance of this happening.

You lose your subject. Of what happening? Destruction? Death?

Each hides a child who is destined to become a seeker, but a seeker is only born every one thousand years.

So, every thousand years, one seeker is born in each of the four kingdoms? You should clarify this, a bit.

so in theory there shouldn't be another in 900 years however fate is spontaneous, it doesn’t follow any patterns.

This is a bit of a contradiction to the first part. If you're going to bring a 'spontaneous fate' into this, say that, in the previous quote, "but a seeker is usually born every one thousand years."

land, some say the hidden land is above in the clouds some say in the center of the earth.

This part seems to be off on kind of a tangent; it isn't exactly necessary. If you're going to introduce this at this point in the story, change it to something like, "which, if legend holds true, is above in the clouds somewhere above the center of the earth."

His emerald green eyes are as green as spring grass,

If you're going to introduce his eyes as "as green as the spring grass," there's no need for "emerald".

His father William is a septel farmer, he works hard to get the food on the table so much so he spends most of the night working out in the fields, his lack of sleep had had an adverse affect on his facial appearance his forehead was etched with deep wrinkles, his hair was turning Grey, far too Grey for his age and he was all skin and bones. Brian and his mother often worried about his health, he was always coughing. His mother on the other hand is as fresh as daisies, she was tall for her kind she had long black hair, it often hid her face like a veil, she had a small nose, thin eyebrows, she was a kind caring mother who always wanted to now what was happening and was always willing to offer a helping hand or a shoulder to cry.

The first sentence about the father, and the last sentence about the mother, are two *very* long run-on sentences. Cut them down into multiple, shorter sentences. It will help a lot with keeping the readers attention. Once a sentence becomes too long, it's harder to pay attention. The first time reading this, I don't even remember these two descriptions. My eyes skipped over them.

You repeat these similar problems a few times later on. Just remember- keep your writing concise, and use, but don't overuse, punctuation (especially the comma in run-on's).

I really, really like the idea for this story. It's pretty original and interesting, and I would like to see more from you. You paint a pretty clear picture, but it would be even clearer with editing. Otherwise, keep writing! You can only get better =]

-Sam
The key to every locked heart is commonly found hiding within little insecurities.




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Ok, here's a crit. I hope it helps. Crit/advice/suggestions are in blue. Corrections in red.

Spoiler
wiggy1 wrote:Our story begins in a far away land,Oh, good God, this is a very cliched beginning. PLEASE change this.[color=#FF0000] Also, after reading more, you need to end this sentence here and start a new one, otherwise it's a comma splice.[/color] on the surface this world looks calm and peaceful, but looks can be deceiving You have a space between deceiving and the period..For this world has had a bloody and violent past and there is a chance of this happening again? . The world has four kingdoms, each different to each other Change this to "from the other" it flows better., as you will soon find out. Each hides a child who is destined to become a seeker, but a seeker isCut this. only born every one thousand years. A seekers is a chosen child who is part god; he has hidden magical powers that are revealed on his fourteenth summer, End this sentence and start a new one. the last four seekers were born one hundred years ago, so, in theory, there shouldn't be another in 900 years Start a new sentence here. however fate is spontaneous, it doesn’t follow any patterns. Ok, I realize you are twelve, but you will only learn to be a better writer is I am harsh here. Please don't take this personally. You did only telling in this part. I have read textbooks more interesting. The first and Golden rule of writing is this: Show Don't Tell! You are writing this like its a essay. It's not. It is a work of fiction, and as such needs to look like one. I will send you a pm that explains this better. Also, this is very cliched. I have read this story several times. The name seekers is also very common. Terry Goodkind used it in a way a lot similar to yours. I don't want to discourage you from writing, but help you better yourself.

The world is still suffering from the last seekers, as three of them were twisted to the evil forces by the evil You already said that the forces were evil. You don't need to tell us this again.lord from the hidden land. And seeing as this is a land, I suggest capitalizing Hidden Land. Some say the hidden land is above in the clouds; some say in the center of the earth. There was one seeker who saw the lightNew sentence here. he committed his life to destroying the lord and his minions. He fought the seekers and killed them. he faced up Cut this. the lord and banished his soul. The seeker was left half dead, but he struggled back to his home town, where he finally died one week later,New sentence. he lives on in the rain forest people’s hearts,New sentence each year when the sun aligns with the moon, they pray to him and thank him for saving them.I don't have the energy to tell you all the things wrong with this passage. I am just focusing on grammar; that's all I have the strength for. You just keep telling and telling.

Now let me tell Another cliched term. I suggest never using this phrase in writing. you about a young boy from the rain forest kingdom,New sentence. his name is Brian SheperdThat is a very modern name for a fantasy world. at the tender age of eleven seasons,New sentence. he is no different to any of the other rain forest people,NS(new sentence) he is 4ft tall like everyone else.I assume you mean all the other children, correct? His emeraldcliched term. green eyes are as green as spring grass Either say he has emerald green eyes or say his eyes are as green as spring grass. One or the other.,NS they almost appear to be luminous in the moonlight, NShe has scruffy light brown hair. He is from a humble family that struggle through life. His father, William, is a septel farmer,NS he works hard to get the food on the table This is a complete run-on of a sentence. so much so he spends most of the night working out in the fields, NS his lack of sleep had had an adverse affect on his facial appearance - his forehead was etched with deep wrinkles, his hair was turning grey, far too grey for his age, and he was all skin and bones very very cliched term.. Brian and his mother often worried about his health, he was always coughing. His mother, on the other hand, is as fresh as daisies God, can there be anymore cliches?, she was tall for her kind NS she had long black hair, it often hid her face like a veil, she had a small nose, thin eyebrows, she was a kind caring mother who always wanted to now what was happening and was always willing to offer a helping hand or a shoulder to cry. School was miserable for Brian he was always teased he was the punch bag and he was free to punch. The school had an elite team of bullies who were led by Malaky, and then by his brother Rick. Brian wasn’t the only one who was picked on there were lots of other kids who had there lunch stolen, there money, basically what ever you had the bullies had to have and that’s only the beginning they were constantly praying annoying pranks that leave someone extremely embarrassed and most of the time that was poor old Brian. School was prison.I thought this world was a medival kind of world? This school sounds like a modern one. I am only going to tell you what I think from now on, it's too tiring trying to point out grammar.

Brian walked down the cobbled path with his head down, today had been a bad bad day, Malaky was off school with a supposed fever but everyone knew that he was somewhere in the forest smoking. So without him Rick was unfortunately in charge and he felt like beating Brian up. After there particularly boring History lesson Brian walked out and into Ricks ambush. He and his cronies jump off from the roof and onto Brian. Rick’s foot dug into Brian’s neck, however just as he was about to scream out in pain, Thomas, the other bully covered his mouth with his dirty sweaty palm. Seriously, this is sounding modern. Is it fantasy or not?

Rick began to dig in Brian’s pockets looking for some money, he suddenly recoiled screaming at his index finger. What happened next made Brian feel just a little bit better. A Flint arrow head was stuck into his finger he ripped it out cursing. He threw it away into the distant forest in anger. This made Brian go mad he forced his way out of there grip and sprinted out into the forest looking for the arrowhead. Brian had had that arrowhead since he was a small baby, his older brother had given it to him just before he left to work out in the west of the forest up in one of the many moss farms. Brian couldn't remember his brother so he felt that all he had left of his brother was the old arrowhead.Telling,telling,telling.

He couldn't believe he had lost it. Tears streamed down his freshly bruised face as he ran into the distance. He finally stopped hours later, gasping for air. He sat down on the ground and wiped off the tears.Tears would be gone if he'd stopped crying a while back. Has he been crying for hours? He looked around. He was under a humongous tree that toward above all the others. On the ground there were fallen leaves that were slowly rotting. Thick vines grew along the floor searching for the sunlight. Lush green plants were growing abundantly, some with blue flowers, and some with bright yellow flowers that glowed like the sun. After he had taken in these wonderful sites the feeling of pure amazement was taken over by fear. Were was he? He had never gone this deep into the forest he always stuck to the trails, but he was a long way away from any trail. He cursed to himself. “You stupid fool” he thought as he banged his head against the tree.

Soon it started to get dark and Brian began to worry. Howls could be heard in the distance, little insects buzzed around nipping at his skin. Brian decided to take refuge in the tree, he climbed up to the canopy, he was startled by the view, he could see for miles and, he nearly fell out of the tree with joy when he saw his home town, he lay down on the thick branches.

I am truly sorry, but I can't do a whole crit for this. I really tried, but there are just so many things about it that are wrong. The plot's cliched, the characters are cliched, everything seems to be cliched. You have so many grammar errors it's not funny. You need to do some serious editing. Study the rules about sentences, please. I just read the other reviews, and I can't understand how they can think it's original. A farm boy who finds he has magical powers? That's been done a thousand times, Eragon for instance. The trick to getting around cliches is finding new ways to twist them. You need to figure out how to do that. You confused me so much, because I don't know if this is modern or medieval times. You lacked so much description, though it wasn't as bad towards the end. God, I'm sorry.

My problem with you telling us the entire history of the world is that it really doesn't seem to protean to the story. IF you really want readers to know this stuff, reveal it down the road in a chapter or something. Also, your worst problem here is telling. As I said before, this entire passage is like reading out of a textbook. It's painful and I just can't stand to do it anymore.

Ok, well I'm harsh. I'm truly hoping you don't take it personally. All of what I said is my opinion, and as such is open to debate. You can choose to listen to me, or you can forget about all that I have said. It's your story. You are a novice at writing, but you can grow. I was once a lot like you. It just takes time and experience. Be on the look out for the pm about Showing. Keep on Writing!
Last edited by KanenRenoir on Sat Mar 27, 2010 3:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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