Vampires and Werewolves so not good, Ch.1

“No! Please take me instead!!” the woman cried. “Leave us alone you foul monsters!! Let us be!!” I’m just a mother with my 2 year old daughter!!” then light out she screamed a blood curdling scream. As for the child well, the little girl Is gonna take a nap…….and she ain’t gonna wake up.
“Watcha seein Vri?” these words interrupted my vision. “Just them hunting, it was not very nice for them to take down a single mother that was struggling to give her two year old daughter everything that she could” I said a little pitifully. Flower and I looked at each other then burst out laughing. “Ha! Ha! Ha! You really had me goin there for a sec! Ha! Ha! Ha!” She laughingly sputtered out.
Hey Veronica? Anybody there? I hear laughing and I didn’t cause it! Are ya’ll gonna eat or what? I heard Jeff’s voice in my head pop in. Yah hold on I’ll tell Flower. “Hey Flower Jeff said that are you ready to go?” I asked. “Yah but I wanna talk to him” she replied while reaching for my arm. Hey Jeff what’s for dinner?
"I'm fine with eating those are you?"
"Hell yah! What about you Vri?"
"I don’t think so, I’ll eat what Cody eats"
"Fine be that way"
"Shut up Jeff!! Give Vri a break"
"Will you guys get out of my head!"
"Fine bitch be that way"
"Leave her alone Jeff! Of course Vri"
Finally, about a thirty minutes later me and Flower took off. We stopped about five hundred feet from North inside the woods. “Well, I brought our meal but I see that Veronica shall not be joining us, because she’s bein a stuck up asshole” said Jeff
“Leave her alone Jeff, and if you wanna see a stuck up asshole all you have to do is call you mom” Cody answered coldly. “OOOOOOOOO MAN YOU JUST GOT B-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-N-N-N-N-N-E-D!!” Duncan howled. “Idiots…” Cody said “don’t listen to them Veronica. Their morons” Cody murmured next to me. Then ever so gently he pressed his lips against mine. The kiss was…..its very hard to explain….it was….it seemed like the center of the universe. I broke away-even though I don’t need to breath- gasping for air. He leaned down and bit my lower lip. When he took his fangs from mine, I reached up and did the same to him. Then he leaned down and kissed me, in the most romantic way possible. We both sucked the blood from each other’s lips. His blood tasted so good, it was like everything that’s the best in the world out together. When we finally broke away from the kiss, we were both breathing hard. I put my head against his chest trying not to faint.
“Get a room!” Jeff’s voice boomed. That had actually scared me ha ha. “Get a life, because your such a loser that Natasha dumped you.” Cody said icily. His words were so cold-Jeff had been madly in love with Natasha, and when she dumped him he wouldn’t even feed for a month- that it looked like Jeff had accidentally drunken zombie blood. Vampires hate the taste of zombie blood, to us it taste like poison, I know right? Yuck. Flower and Duncan were just standing there not knowing what to do.
“Hey you two! lets not be so hasty! lets just feed I’m getting hungry” I said, trying to get rid of all the bad energy. “ Whatever” they both said looking coldly at each other.

so... are they all vampires? i'm aware of the main character and i'm guessing her love-interest are, but what about the rest? you should identify, i guess, signs or hints as to what the others are. i only guessed vampire for the other two because of the fang addition, but if i hadn't gotten that part, i would've been extremely lost. flower is such an unique, and unusual name for a character, but i liked that (: i liked what was going on so faaaaaaaar, but try using spell check and correct grammar errors using microsoft word. i would do it for you, but i'm too lazy, haha XD. but clean it up, and you're good to go! ((: then update with chapter two...? ;P

Hey queenofroses, I'm Lauren and I'll be your reviewer today.

First things first: This is a pretty interesting concept, just really rough on the writing part. I'm going to point a lot of things out, and link some very helpful articles to you so you can learn and not make as many mistakes the next time around. The bigest thing is: Don't be discouraged! Everyone starts somewhere, and you're already miles ahead of the majority of people in the world. You have creative thoughts, can convey them to paper, can form comprehensible sentences, and obviously have talent in you. We just need to harness that talent.

I'm going to go through and do some editing for you, so you know what to watch out for in the future. My edits will be in red.

“No! Please take me instead!!” the woman cried. “Leave us alone you foul monsters!! Let us be!!” I’m just a mother with my 2 two year old daughter!!” then light do you mean right out? out she screamed a blood curdling scream. As for the child well, the little girl Is gonna take a nap…….and she ain’t gonna wake up.

1. Onle one exclaimation mark is ever needed at the end of a sentence
2. Numbers under 100 should always been fully written out
3. Elipses (the three consecutive dots [...] often used to express trailing off or pausing. So after 'nap' shorten that line of dots to three

“Watcha seein' Vri?” these words interrupted my vision. Can words interrupt sight? Maybe they would interrupt her train of thought instead?

“Just them hunting, it was not very nice for them to take down a single mother that was struggling to give her two year old daughter everything that she could,” I said a little pitifully. Flower and I looked at each other then burst out laughing.

“Ha! Ha! Ha!You really had me goin' there for a sec! Ha! Ha! Ha!” she laughingly sputtered out.

1. Every time the speaker changes, start a new paragraph
2. If it is already said that someone is laughing, the 'Ha! Ha! Ha!' isn't needed, as it is understood that there is laughter.

Hey Veronica? Anybody there? I hear laughing and I didn’t cause it! Are ya’ll gonna eat or what? I heard Jeff’s voice in my head pop in. Yah hold on I’ll tell Flower.

“Hey Flower Jeff said that are you ready to go?” I asked.

“Yah but I wanna talk to him,” she replied while reaching for my arm.

Hey Jeff what’s for dinner?

1. Could a better way be found to distinguish Jeff's voice in Veronica's head? Perhaps italics?. It could really help to make things less confusing.

"I'm fine with eating those are you?"

"Hell yah! What about you Vri?"

"I don’t think so, I’ll eat what Cody eats"

"Fine be that way"

"Shut up Jeff!! Give Vri a break"

"Will you guys get out of my head!"

"Fine bitch be that way"

"Leave her alone Jeff! Of course Vri"

Who is talking? Are these people there in real life or are they all talking in Veronica's head? It is very confusing.

Finally, about a thirty minutes later me and Flower Flower and I took off. We stopped about five hundred feet from North inside the woods. “Well, I brought our meal but I see that Veronica shall not be joining us, because she’s bein a stuck up asshole” said Jeff.

1. "five hundred feet from North inside of the woods" <- that didn't make sense to me. Being five hundred feet from a direction is pretty impossible, so in that case what were they five hundred feet from? The north edge of the woods? Something else that is north?

“Leave her alone Jeff, and if you wanna see a stuck up asshole all you have to do is call you mom” Cody answered coldly.

“OOOOOOOOO MAN YOU JUST GOT B-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-N-N-N-N-N-E-D!!” Duncan howled. As a general rule, avoid using all caps to indicate emphasis. Italics work just as well, and are much easier on the eyes. For example: "Ooo, man, you just got burned!"

“Idiots…” Cody said.

“Don’t listen to them Veronica. Their They're morons” Cody murmured next to me. Then ever so gently he pressed his lips against mine. The kiss was…..its very hard to explain….it was….it seemed like the center of the universe. I broke away-even though I don’t need to breath- gasping for air. He leaned down and bit my lower lip. When he took his fangs from mine, I reached up and did the same to him. Then he leaned down and kissed me, in the most romantic way possible. We both sucked the blood from each other’s lips. His blood tasted so good, it was like everything that’s the best in the world out together. When we finally broke away from the kiss, we were both breathing hard. I put my head against his chest trying not to faint.

1. The whole kissing thing is a little out of the blue. Who is Cody, why is he kissing her? Are they dating? Are they lovers?

“Get a room!” Jeff’s voice boomed. That had actually scared me ha ha.

“Get a life, because your such a loser that Natasha dumped you.” Cody said icily. His words were so cold-Jeff had been madly in love with Natasha, and when she dumped him he wouldn’t even feed for a month- that it looked like Jeff had accidentally drunken zombie blood. Vampires hate the taste of zombie blood, to us it taste like poison, I know right? Yuck. Flower and Duncan were just standing there not knowing what to do.

“Hey you two! lets not be so hasty! lets just feed I’m getting hungry” I said, trying to get rid of all the bad energy.

“Whatever” they both said looking coldly at each other.

On to the overall comments:

Characters
For a first chapter, the characters need to be described much more. Show us what they look like, how they act, their relationships with each other. Build them realistically. Give them flaws, ambitions, quirks. Make them real, and they will be enjoyable to read baout.

The biggest problem with this piece was that I have a very small view of the characters. They were only talking heads, and I would love to see what they look like, sound like, act like.

Punctuation
There were a lot of punctuation issues. Some were only as minor as forgetting periods. Not hard to fix, and microsoft word does a good job of grammer checking those things.

Dialogue
This is something a lot of new writers have problems with. Mostly, it's the punctuation of dialogue. Here is an excellent article on dialogue. Dialogue Punctuation

Setting
This piece was practically devoid of descriptive language. Sorry if I sound harsh, I don't mean to be mean, but it is the truth. Luckily, it's not hard to remedy! Just show us where everything is happening!

What does it look like? What's unique about this place? Where are they specifically? Are they outside? Inside? What's the season? The time of day? The weather?

Just be careful of telling/info dumping rather than showing. Don't know about showing v. telling? Here is a great article on the topic! Show and Tell

I hope I've been helpful! Don't be discouraged, you have a great talent. It just needs to be refined. If you ever have any questions about things I've said, things I didn't say, or requesting my input on future posts feel free to PM me!

Keep writing!

-Lauren-

P.S. For other articles written by YWS members that may be of interest, check out the Knowledge Base

I'm a big fan of anything fantasy, so I had to review your work. Since Lauren already pointed out your mistakes, I guess I'm here to inspire and tell you how interesting your story was. For being new you had numerous mistakes, but your story is solid and I see potential. Please send me a PM when you submit future chapters, because I would really like to read them. Thank you for the read and good job. Keep writing for my sake.

hey u guys,thx for commenting oh and thx lauren im gonna re-make it and do wat u suggested.