The Becoming of Me

*I love this poem so much. Me and my friends wrote it during a lunch period and I think it turned out really good.
Your awkwardness burns like dry ice on skin.

Your randomness turns the world upside down.

Your smile is so pure, it forbids me to breathe.

Your eyes are brighter than the sun,

And it burns holes through me, I become see-through.

In pain, I walk on broken glass, and now,

You have caused me to become blind.

Spending time with you heals me,

Knowing that someday I might die without you.

But it is like playing Catch 22,

No one can win your beloved heart.

Hi,

I think you have a really inventive way of phrasing things. I especially love;
"Your awkwardness burns like dry ice on skin.

Your randomness turns the world upside down.

Your smile is so pure, it forbids me to breathe."

I'd change "brighter than the sun" because you're more inventive than that! I also really like "And it burns holes through me, I become see-through."

I'd change "Spending time with you heals me,

Knowing that someday I might die without you. "
because they're a little weak. I'd try something more visual and original.

I think I'd try and work in more of a story rather than listing attributes as I think it would flow more easily then and read less like a list.

Hope this helps.
Jas

Hey there CreativeFreak

I agree with you! I think that this poem turned out really good. Bravo to you and your talented friends!

Your awkwardness burns like dry ice on skin.

Your randomness turns the world upside down.

Your smile is so pure, it forbids me to breathe.

Your eyes are brighter than the sun, ~ I think that you could add something to this line. Maybe something like, Your eyes are brighter than the midday sun?

And it burns holes through me, I become see-through.

In pain, I walk on broken glass, and now,

You have caused me to become blind.

Spending time with you heals me, ~ This line seems a bit "off" for some reason. You could maybe replace it with something like, Spending time with you heals my rugged soul? That was kind of bad... but you get the idea?

Knowing that someday I might die without you.

But it is like playing Catch 22,

No one can win your beloved heart.

I think it would sound more effective if you replaced can with "will ever". Although, to be honest, yours works pretty well anyway!

Overall, I did really enjoy reading your poem! All you need to do is look over it again, and you will have an even better one!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Beautiful. I love this. *clicks 'like'* The imagery was brilliant and the poem really flowed. I love the last two lines, they just seem to capture how life can be sometimes. Quite perfectly, I might add.

This makes me smile, even though it's a little sad.. There's real talent here. Thank you for making me smile.

~Scarlett.