untitled chapter 1

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Leaving behind everything I knew, everything that was familiar and safe to me, I did not look back. I simply hoisted my backpack on my shoulder and passed the airhostess my boarding pass.
“Have a nice stay in Darwin, Miss Blake,” the lady smiled one of those toothpaste ad smiles and gave back my ticket.
I passed rows and rows of empty blue seats before settling in my own. “I didn’t know Darwin was that unpopular,” I muttered to myself. The only other person visible on the plane was a middle-aged man a few rows behind me with a face I’d never forget. His ears stuck out from his short curly brown hair and his dull brown eyes seemed too far apart. A scar ran down his cheek, pulling the corner of his mouth down in a permanent frown. His penetrating gaze met mine and I looked away, embarrassed about being caught staring at a stranger.
“He sure is creepy, aye?”
I looked across the aisle at girl who’d spoken to me. “He looks like he could star in Wolf Creek,” I agreed.
The girl’s hazel eyes lit up in a smile. “Yeah. I’m Jess, by the way.”
“Zoe.”
There was a pause and I thought that was the end, but Jess seemed thirsty for conversation.
“So, going on holiday or heading home?”
“Neither. Moving. What about you?”
“Heading home. It’s gonna be great, lying in my same old bed, staring at that same old patch of ceiling, listening to those same old neighbours fight... you know what? I hate home.”
“Me too,” I grinned. “Why do you think I’m moving?”
“Ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking. Could all passengers be seated with their seatbelts securely fasten for take-off. Thank you.”
As the plane began taxiing the flight attendants did safety demonstrations with the life jackets and air masks. I shoved my backpack under the seat in front of me and pulled the elastic band out of my dark hair, settling down for the whatever hour plane trip.
“So, you renting an apartment or something?”
“Dunno yet. I was kinda just gonna find something when I get there.”
“You can stay with me, if you want. That’ll give me an excuse to get away from my parents.”
I looked this girl up and down. She was obviously a girly girl what with the cocktail dress – which in my opinion is stupid to wear during the day – and high heeled shoes – so unpractical for air travel. She looked about my age with a friendly face to go with her friendly personality. A bit over-friendly, maybe. Who invites a complete stranger to stay with them?
“I know what you’re thinking,” Jess smiled. “You’re thinking I’m a twenty-year-old chick moving back in with her parents after finishing a long uni course in Brizzie. Well I’m only nineteen and I only half-finished.”
She definitely couldn’t read minds. “Me too,” I grinned, though I had been trying to forget the dramas of the past few months. “Yeah, I guess I could save a bit of money if I stayed with you.”
“Awesome.” Jess’ smile widened as she brushed her mousy brown hair back from her petite freckled face.




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Hi BigM
I liked the story a lo but I think it was too short to be called a prologue. Maybe you cna add more things as to how Jess and Zoe looked. One thing is clear that Zoe has been suffering from some agony. So try to dramatize it more. I would love to know why is she moving.

I simply hoisted my backpack on my shoulder and passed the airhostess (you are missing a word) :roll: my boarding pass.


The only other person visible on the plane was a middle-aged man, a few rows behind me with a face I’d never forget.


Keep Writing! and PM me when you come up with more.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore




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Hey! I have a couple things I had a problem with in this story:

Leaving behind everything I knew, everything that was familiar and safe to me, I did not look back.
I don't know how much this makes sense. A good thing to do is read some of the sentences you are unsure about out loud to yourself.

I looked this girl up and down. She was obviously a girly girl what with the cocktail dress – which in my opinion is stupid to wear during the day – and high heeled shoes – so unpractical for air travel. She looked about my age with a friendly face to go with her friendly personality. A bit over-friendly, maybe.
I think this description of Jess came a little late. Maybe you could put this when you first introduced her.

I also think that you didn't really say much about Zoe. Being subtle is good when explaining vital, yet irrelevant information, but sometimes it's good to give the reader all the information they need to understand what you are trying to get across.

The things I did like:

I liked how you described the man sitting in the other row, and I could clearly picture him in my head, also how you described Jess and what Zoe thought of her. It was clear and had a lot to style to it. :)

I'm very interested to see what happens to Zoe! Good hook. :)

Keep writing,
Chrissie
"I’m usually that guy who violently kicks off his shoes at the front door because there’s something about fake wooden kitchen linoleum that appears inviting to the feverish socked footsies." - Adam Young/Owl City




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The first pages of your story need questions. Questions that readers will turn pages for to find answers.
We have a character on her way to Darwin (Nice to see some other Australian's around) and she's met a girl...
What can you insert into this scene that will set up the story? Because I have no idea what to expect from the rest of it.

Hope this helps.



Percy fell face-first into his pizza.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena